Double it and give it to the next person bro way too scared to confront a medical problem because what if I'm faking đź’”
AFTER A LONG NIGHT OF VERY VIVID/INTENSE HALLUCINATIONS AND DELUSIONS, THE SCARIEST PART HAD TO BE GETTING UP TO PUT SOME PANTS ON AND SEEING THE OUTLINE OF A BARSTOOL IN THE DARK.
I like when people like a character so way too much that it transcends even self shipping or kinning and becomes more of a patron saint that you pray to type of deal
People think NPD is all about ego, but it’s really about needing significance to feel okay.
When you’re starving for connection and validation, and people only show up on their time, it feels like betrayal. Like you’re invisible.
It’s not that we don’t appreciate connections, it’s that the timing and consistency matter more than people realize.
Casual check-ins or delayed replies feel like crumbs when you’re starving. And that mismatch? It drains you fast.
The frustration turns into anger. Not because we want to be jerks, but because it feels like people don’t get it.
It’s not enough to love us when it’s convenient. We crave that deeper, constant significance in their lives.
This isn’t about being selfish either. It’s about survival in a way that makes sense to us.
NPD makes it hard to self-soothe, so we seek external validation to stabilize. And when people can’t meet that need, it feels like a direct attack on our worth.
For those with NPD
You’re not alone in this. It’s tough when your needs feel like too much for others. But recognizing the pattern can help.
Seek people who naturally meet you halfway and learn to self-soothe when they can’t.
No one is going to save you
I believe in gentle parenting. Unfortunately many people refuse to parent their child at all under the guise of gentle parenting. Sometimes you’ve got to look your fourth grader in the eye and say “Little dude, that was an asshole move.”
I HAVE TO PEE
[i can imagine anything guy voice] i can make anyone objectum.
If your life is horrible and you need a new source of meaning and direction.... Do NOT find religion. Learn to identify plants.
AS THIS LAST YEAR HAS GONE ON, I HAVE BEEN RELATIVELY AWARE OF MY GROWTH AND CHANGE. I'VE PRIDED MYSELF ON THE LARGER THINGS LIKE GOING CLEAN, LEARNING TO CARE FOR MYSELF EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY, ENTERING A HEALTHIER AND NON ABUSIVE MINDSET TOWARDS MYSELF, AND SO ON.
BUT IT IS THE THINGS I DON'T PAY SO MUCH MIND TO THAT ALWAYS SHOCK ME THE MOST. THINGS YOU WOULD NOT STOP TO THINK ABOUT LIKE FADING FROM RELATIONSHIPS (GIVEN HOW NATURALLY IT CAN HAPPEN). PEOPLE I USED TO RELY ON AND BE SO CLOSE WITH HAVE BECOME MEMORIES THAT I DON'T OFTEN THINK ABOUT AS I USED TO. I NO LONGER RECALL FACES SO CLEARLY. I NO LONGER FIND MYSELF THINKING OF THEM ON A REGULAR BASIS.
IN A WAY, IT IS SAD TO COME TO THIS REALIZATION. MY GROWTH IN THIS LAST YEAR HAS BEEN ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY TO MY SURVIVAL, I WAS FRESH OUT OF THE HOSPITAL, STILL IN CONSIDERATION OF KICKING THE BUCKET TO AVOID ANYMORE STRESS. I WAS SICK, NOT EATING, EITHER NOT SLEEPING AT ALL OR SLEEPING TO MUCH, FAILING CLASSES, AVOIDING PEOPLE, NEVER LEAVING THE HOUSE, AND SO ON. I HAVE COME A LONG WAY. I HAVE FINALLY GAINED WEIGHT, I HAVE BECOME MORE OPEN WITH FRIENDS AND MORE COMFORTABLE WITH MYSELF. LIFE IS LIVABLE AT WORST AND ENJOYABLE ON AN AVERAGE DAY.
BUT WITH THIS NEWFOUND FREEDOM, I STILL HAVE HAD LOSSES. IT SCARES ME TO THINK ABOUT THE WAY THINGS USED TO BE. SOMETIMES THE THOUGHT OF OLD FRIENDS MAKES ME APPREHENSIVE BECAUSE OF THE ASSOCIATION WITH A WORSE VERSION ME. ACTIVITIES I USED TO ENJOY MATTER SO LITTLE TO ME NOW. IT IS DIFFICULT TO MOURN A PART OF YOURSELF THAT FELT SO CRUEL, BUT MY HEART ALSO ACHES FOR THE NOSTALGIA OF IT ALL. IT CONFUSES ME.
AT THE END OF THE DAY, I KNOW I WILL BE FINE. I WILL HAVE MY UPS AND DOWNS BUT I WILL BE OKAY. THE PASTS MATTERS SO LITTLE NOW. EVEN WHEN I WORRY ABOUT IT LIKE I AM CURRENTLY, I CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO WORRY TOO MUCH.
I JUST HOPE MY OLD FRIENDS ARE ALRIGHT. I HOPE MY FAMILY, WHEREVER THEY ARE, IS DOING OKAY NOW. I HOPE MY DOG IS HAPPY. I HOPE THEY DON'T THINK TO HARSHLY OF THE VERSION OF ME THEY USED TO KNOW. I'M SORRY I LET YOU GO SO EASILY.
MADE ON JUPITER. QUEER MENTALLY ILL. UNSAFE FOR HUMAN CONSUMPTION. ART BLOG: @TURINGTESTEDBLOG
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