I Think I Am Procrastinating Suicide

dream of suicide

I’m having weird dreams. Dreams where I don’t remember who my boyfriend is, all I know is I like this purple haired weirdo and I’m in love with someone I can’t think of. I’m having dreams of guns pointing at me. I just want them to pull the trigger.

 I do the same stuff everyday. I bounce back and forth with a bubbly smile on my face and out of nowhere I break for a few minutes to a few hours. There is no warning and no reason. I’m perfectly fine. I just want to die sometimes. 

I imagine when I look at tall trees or buildings of me falling off. I imagine a bullet randomly going through my head. I imagine losing my boyfriend. I don’t try to. It just comes to me. And now it haunts me when I sleep. I am a walking disaster. 

I constantly ask, when does it end? I constantly say, I want to go home. But I am home, I’m homesick for a place that doesn’t exist, or maybe its the afterlife and that is my home, maybe that’s why I can be perfectly fine and the next moment I just want to die, shaking on my hands in knees, imagining the bullet going through my head one last time. Until the day I am killed, I will live in hell. I can’t wait to go home and for the pain to finally end.