HALT! Do You Have Sensory Issues? Overwhelmed By Sound In A Messy Environment? Desperately Wanting To

When I listen to my mother talk about me as a child, I feel such an overwhelming confusion and disconnect. With the way she remembers me, it would seem as if I had no clear personality of my own. I hardly cried or laughed as a baby, I never got into trouble to the point that I'd never even been disciplined, I followed all the rules, I excelled at all my schoolwork but never boasted, I had vague interests but nothing intense, I was kind and friendly but I didn't push for friends, etc.

The perfect child. Perfectly average traits.

I read "The Divided Self" by R.D. Laing recently.

One of the things that gave me the greatest feelings of validation and relief from that book are the childhoods of the patients he talks about- before this, I've never seen such a clear example of my own childhood painted in a light that resonates with me.

None of the patients he provided had explicitly abusive childhoods, and none of them remembered their childhoods as particularly traumatic. Of course, most recalled their parents as some mixture of distant and unpredictable, and in some cases there was definitely emotional neglect and verbal abuse, but it was passing and not incredibly eventful. (I am not making light of anyone's experiences, I'm speaking only about the example patients' own accounts).

Many of the patients and the patients' families tell tales that mirror my own: "Julie was never a demanding baby. She was weaned without difficulty. Her mother had no bother with her from the day she took off nappies completely when she was fifteen months old. She was never 'a trouble'. She always did what she was told. These are the mother's basic generalizations in support of the view that Julie was always a 'good' child."

Most interestingly, the author hears these accounts both from the patients and the patients' family, and he sees them as negative. In contrast to literally everyone else I've opened up to, he says, "I have come to regard such an account of the earliest origins of behaviour as especially ominous, when the parents sense nothing amiss in it all, but on the contrary mention it with evident pride.”

The author goes on referring to the patient Julie, "This is the description of a child who has in some way never come alive: for a really alive baby is demanding, is a trouble, and by no means always does what she is told. [...] The crucial thing seems to me to be that [Julie's mother] evidently takes just those things which I take to be expressions of an inner deadness in the child as expressions of the utmost goodness, health, normality."

Complete and total compliance and obedience is NOT normal from a child (nor from anyone, I would argue but that's not the point). Children have to make mistakes and cause problems and stand up for themselves in order to learn how to live and be their own person! If a child doesn't do that and is only ever praised for their lack of autonomy, they're not going to grow into a secure personhood.

It is very important to me to hear this for the first time, especially from a credited psychologist. For years I've felt I was crazy for thinking that my childhood was so dreadfully abnormal and concerning whilst everyone assured me I was as healthy as could be (and side-eyed me as if I was exaggerating for attention).

I've always considered myself to be afflicted by "gifted kid burnout", which I am going to assume my small audience is familiar with, but the concept of "ontological insecurity" Laing discusses in this book fits even better, which I didn't think was possible.

It's rare that I feel someone completely understands even a small part of myself, so I am very glad I read this book and I would recommend it to anyone else interested.

To end this post, here's three additional quotes from the book, each referring to a different patients' childhood, yet all I can relate to:

“There was no open neglect or hostility in her family. She felt, however, that her parents were always too engrossed in each other for either of them ever to take notice of her. She grew up wanting to fill this hole in her life but never succeeded in becoming self-sufficient. [...] [H]er abiding memory of herself as a child that she did not really matter to her parents, that they neither loved nor hated, admired nor were ashamed of her very much.” pg54

“What she called 'unreliability' was a feeling of bafflement and bewilderment which she related to the fact that nothing she did had ever seemed to please her parents. If she did one thing and was told it was wrong, she would do another thing and would find that they still said that that was wrong. She was unable to discover, as she put it, 'what they wanted me to be'.” pg59

“His father's account of him was very meagre. He had always been perfectly normal, and he thought his present eccentricities were simply an adolescent phase. He had always been a very good child, who did everything he was told and never caused any trouble. His mother had been devoted to him.” pg70

"I Don't Have a Routine"

For those who are seeking diagnosis, think they might be autistic or are already diagnosed/self-diagnosed but just confused

Routines/rituals aren't just getting up at the same time every day.

What can routines look like for an autistic (just general examples, not an exhaustive list):

Getting dressed in the same order. A change of this feels very upsetting.

Eating your food in a particular way. This may be eating each food individually, combining food in certain ways, not letting foods touch etc .

Getting ready for the day in a very particular way, specifically the order and time given to each activity. Being forced to rush or skip an activity is very upsetting.

Only going to certain shops, even if they are out of your way, because you've been there before. The same shop in a different suburb is too distressing.

Driving the same route to places. Suggested short cuts, or lane changing without mental preparation etc is very distressing. You would rather stay in the slow lane you 100% know takes you home than go down a new street.

Showering/bathing in the same order.

Stacking dishes or cleaning in a very specific order such as sink first, then counters, then stove etc. This order feels important but you cannot state why.

Work plans or school plans are day specific. You struggle to do banking on a Thursday, because that's a Friday activity, even though Thursday is just fine. But it's a Friday activity...so can't do it today.

To outsiders these routines/rituals seem to have no purpose but they are sacrosanct to the autistic individual. Changes must be given time, with lots of notifications and check-ups to ensure we're accepting the changes.

Source ~ Autism Women's Network

What is Autistic Burnout?

Signs:

Lack of motivation (hard to care about goals when everyday life is overwhelming)

Loss of executive functioning abilities (decision making, organisation etc)

Difficulty with self care

Easier to reach overload or meltdown

Loss of speech, selective mutism

Lethargy, exhaustion

Illness, digestive issues

Memory loss

Inability to maintain masks or use social skills

Overall seeming "more autisic" or stereotypical

May have a period of high energy before collapse

Causes:

Passing as neurotypical/suppressing traits

Doing "too much", too much stress

Ageing: needing more downtime, having less energy

Changes, good or bad (relationships, jobs, living arrangements, belongings, environment, routines...)

Sleep deprivation, poor nutrition, dehydration

Illness

Sensory or emotional overload

Strategies:

Time

Scheduling breaks, managing spoons

Leave of absence

Stimming, sensory diet

Exercise

Massage

Reminders and support

Routines

Better environment/job/etc

Boundaries, saying 'no'

Dropping the mask/facade

Solitude

Absolute quiet

Creative projects, passions, special interests

Paying attention to reactions and your body

yoshitoshi ABe’s an omnipresence in the wired || 安倍吉俊の『an omnipresence in the wired』

why am i incapable of expressing myself. i get excited i’m like “i’m gonna SHIT EVERYWHERE.” girl what.

Source ~ My Autistic Soul

Autistic Burnout : A Guide

What is Autisic Burnout?

When an autistic person is in burnout, it means that they are experiencing extreme mental, physical, and/or sensory exhaustion.

This exhaustion can stem from a variety of places, especially from masking, and can lead to an even larger variety of symptoms.

It can last a few hours or several years

It can be the result of a slow build-up or it can hit suddenly

The effects of burnout (especially loss of skills) are more likely to be permanent if the burnout has lasted several years

It is more common in adolescents and adults

It is different than neurotypical burnout and regular depression

It affects every area of your life

It requires more time to recover

What Causes Autistic Burnout?

Masking

Too high of expectations

Lack of support

High intensity interactions (concert, party)

Prolonged interaction (school, work)

Sensory overload

Suppressing autistic traits

Operating beyond capacity

Not being able to recover from or cope with stress at the beginning signs

Change

What are the Signs of Autistic Burnout?

Anxiety

Increased shutdowns or meltdowns

Depression

Suicidal ideation

Little to no motivation

Loss of interest

Loss of basic skills

Exhaustion

Increased executive dysfunction

Difficulties with memory, communicating or sleep

Easily triggered/overstimulated

Headaches/migraines

You may seem "more autistic"

Difficulties in making decisions

Low attention span

How to Prevent/Cope with Autistics Burnout

Accommodations (in work, school, and everyday life)

Say no

Find community (on social media or in person)

Take breaks (often)

Let autistic traits breathe

Get rid of expectations

Therapy (especially for prolonged burnout)

Leave, even if it seems rude

Engage in simple self-care

Learn to manage energy

Stim

Ask for help

Rest

Set boundaries

Put yourself first

Identify your triggers

Autistic burnout is largely fueled by having to navigate a world that was not made for us. And so, burnout is nearly inevitable for autistics.

Burnout is exhausting, overwhelming and scary. It is something a lot of is deal with on a daily basis without even realising what it is. It has become our normal way of existing.

Recovering from, preventing, and coping with burnout is not a quick and easy fix. It is a lifetime process of taking care of and being gentle with ourselves. Which is hard, my dudes, not gonna lie.

But we're some tough sons of bitches.