༺2006༻

I’m trying to figure out if I might be autistic but it’s hard, in part because while I was always bossy growing up and I always dominated conversations I was interested in, when I was about 21 I found out that some people literally asked my best friend if I was “intending to be an asshole” and that was really crushing to me so I took a course in not being an asshole basically, and learned that you’re supposed to ask questions and whatnot… and now I don’t know what’s stuff I’ve learned and what’s natural to me, in conversation.

Taking a course like that kind of seems like an autistic way to go about it though?

I have things that fit into all the criteria, but I’m not sure they’re significant enough for autism. Maybe I’m just domineering and fussy with food and prefer my current things to new things? I don’t like eye contact and I don’t like to be touched, but none of it seems to get to the extent that anyone would ever diagnose me - especially as a woman.

Sorry to dump, I just needed to share/ask for another perspective ❤️

The social difficulties is very common with autistics. And, always, it's the why you did those things that matter.

An autistic child, as an example, will dominate a conversation because they don't understand that conversation is supposed to be a back and forth... They think what they're excited about is exciting to all those involved and therefore are having a conversation. Because conversation is just talking, right? And now, these people get to learn all that you know!

There is also an element of difficulty concentrating on a conversation. An autistic, on average, can follow a conversation for about 5 minutes before they will start to struggle (or so my therapist told me and it's definitely true for me). Not necessarily because we find the conversation boring, but because social interaction isn't innate for us, so we're using twice as much energy to process what's being said to us.

Other neurodivergences, such as ADHD, can also struggle with conversation, but usually due to hyperactivity (getting excited by what's being said, getting stuck in something that was said and needing to talk about it, talking fast and/or loudly etc).

So, to a neurotypical, they don't see that we're "having a conversation" with them... They see someone not letting them talk. Even though we're enjoying ourselves and showing love and friendship. NTs don't see that.

And then to struggle to concentrate when they finally do get to talk? What asshole behaviour... except it's not. It's just how our brains work. We're not wanting to struggle.

Most kids are forced to mask this either by scripting, mirroring, or reading books. I learnt by scripting, and it's fucking exhausting.

So how can you tell if this is something you learnt naturally or masking?

Are you constantly checking yourself during conversations?

Are you hyper aware of how much time to speak, cutting yourself off if your alloted time is up?

Do you ask standardized questions to start the flow of conversation?

Do you force yourself to avoid special interest topics or have to force yourself to stop talking, even if the other person shows interest, out of fear you're hijacking the conversation?

Are you unable to actually tell if someone is interested in what you're saying, so you assume they're bored so as not to insult them? You fear breaking whatever conversation rules you have been taught?

The above are very very common with autistic masking and scripting.

the worst part about ocd is no matter how much work you do, some days you just can’t get your brain off of a sticky loop of rumination

fairyclub

realized something recently. I don’t have to shame and blame myself for my reactions to trauma / trauma responses. These are things I really don’t have much control over. I also don’t need to shame and blame others for provoking or triggering these responses / reactions to trauma that they don’t really understand. Honestly, the long and short of it is that trauma is SUPER confusing, and if I don’t understand my own issues the likelihood that someone else understands them is super low. While it’s not anybody’s FAULT that these reactions and responses exist and are getting triggered, it is MY RESPONSIBILITY to learn how to heal, both for myself and the people around me, so that we ALL experience less distress stemming from this trauma that we ultimately can’t really control.

To rephrase, like, when I start having a trauma response, how I behave is my responsibility, but how I’m thinking and how I’m feeling internally starts to become more and more out of control of “adult me.” It starts to be handled by “traumatized child me.” This situation is not my fault, nor is it the fault of the person who triggered the response. However, it poses difficulties for both of us, and it’s my responsibility to try to heal and allow adult me to stay in control and handle things, in order to lessen the difficulties for everyone.

Although my autism diagnosis is a big relief, I feel sad for myself. For all the years being mistreated and misunderstood and expected to do more than I was able to. For all that time I spent hating myself for not being independent or for hitting developmental milestones slower than my peers. For all the times I tried to push myself to do things that drained the life and joy out of me. My autism diagnosis is a great thing. But i can't help but feel sad for that guy. I cant help but mourn the childhood I could have had.

Surrendering to Despair