From The Bottom Of My Heart: Just Because Something Makes You Uncomfortable Doesn't Mean It Shouldn't

Beautiful

I dont know too much about Dalmatians or what they were bred for so the other day i was talking to the security guard on campus about em and decided to google why they’re so aggressive and hard to handle and apparently its because they were bread as coach dogs, which means that they were trained to run alongside a coach or carriage and fucking attack anything that wasn’t their carriage. Like they were bonded to the horses used to pull the coach and to their handlers and other than that they would just jump anyone who came near em. If you had coach dogs you actually had to have someone who rode ahead and warned anyone coming toward you that you had coach dogs so they could move out of the way and not get attacked. So thats a mystery solved for me.

Life (Idk how to title this)

My first real post is gonna be heavy. Just a warning. I'm finally going to write this post. I needed to wrap my head around it and distance myself from it slightly. Things like this honestly hit me harder than I like to admit, it’s hard for me to know someone I had so much love and respect for is gone. It’s even worse when it’s through cancer like Alan Rickman or suicide like so many, now including Chester Bennington. I’ve always had a love for Linkin Park, it honestly helped me through a lot of personal demons. So it’s even harder for me since his music helped me not do exactly what he ended up doing. This has got to open a much needed dialogue of mental health and the reality of depression. I know it’s not easy to try to truly understand something as complicated as depression when you have never experienced it, but it’s necessary for progress. You don’t have to understand every little thing about it, but what you must do is open your eyes to the truth that it isn’t something that can be fixed by smiling, putting up a front. The only thing that does is make it harder for people to hear your screams for help, they think you only want attention, when what you really want is someone to try to help you, have someone reach out to you. You might never understand the power of a simple interaction of care, but as someone that has depression, I know how beneficial it can be to have someone simply smile at you or compliment you. No that won’t cure of us of this illness, but it might help us hold on long enough to finally begin to heal and turn our life around. Depression isn’t fake, despite what people might think, if you haven’t learned that by now looking at all the beautiful people that have ended their lives thanks to this monster that is constantly belittling us, beating us down, I really don’t know how to get you to understand. Everyone keeps saying I had no idea, none of us were expecting it, but actually go back through their music and it’s not like he’s hiding his serious struggle within himself. No one likes to acknowledge the problem/truth until it’s too late. And that just worsens the pain for people like me, the ones that know the truth and try to get others to understand it. Depression is a real thing, it terrible and hard to handle, but with help we can all begin to heal and keep going forwards even while the beast that is depression is trying to pull us back and down. People tend to only see what they want to, so they will look past obvious struggles of others around them. I get it, I do, I’m not trying to offend anyone, or make it seem like it’s your fault, it isn’t but you could save a life, I just want you to realize that. It’s really important to try to see things from others point of views, that way you can understand more and just maybe try to help them. I know how easy it is to just walk by and ignore the person that is struggling, but what is easy isn’t always right. I want to impress upon you all the importance of doing the right thing in this situation, you could help someone hang on long enough to actually keep going. I’m not pretending to know everything or make it seem like a saint, I just want to make people see. I definitely have tried everything to help as many people as possible though. I’m the type of person that will bring all the struggling people together and try to help them build themselves up again. I grew up around it and I think that is part of the reason that I’m more than willing to bend over backwards to help others living with this and other really difficult illnesses. My brother and I both have had depression since we were young, so I’ve spent a lot of my time trying to help him keep his head above the water, though I’ve almost lost him at least twice that I know of. He’s my big brother, I can’t lose him, so seeing it in him helps me help myself and many others. I will never give up on someone, no matter the situation, I’ll try everything in my power to help in any way that I possibly can. Yes I do thing like this to help others, but it also helps me with my own depression, we all have different way of dealing with our depression, they’re not always healthy, but they’re our way of pushing forwards against the odds. I’m not condoning nor am I judging the way other people deal with their depression, I have no right to judge considering I use to cut myself and the only reason I can say I use to is that I haven’t done it in over a month. Thing are difficult there is no sugar coating it. This shit is hard and it takes a lot of work to keep going, but I promise the effort will be worth it. Things will suck, but things will also be amazing beyond belief, so you just have to find a way to keep going. There are a million ways to deal with it, you can be like me and help others, you can be like others and turn it into some form of art, you can find something that drives you, you can lean on people, or something else that might help you. I definitely don’t claim to have all the answers, no one ever does. But I promise that I’ll be by anyone’s side when they need me, no matter what it takes. I know the pain of going against this monster alone, I don’t want anyone to feel that way. You’re not alone, you are never alone, someone out there is supporting you, whether you know it or not. Any of you reading this need someone to talk to I will be there in a heartbeat. Another thing I want to say is there is either a stigma about actually taking medication to help or deciding it’s best for you not to take the medication. If you are one of the ones that feel like you need to take the medication, good for you, you do what’s best for you. Never let anyone tell you that it’s not okay to be taking care of yourself, you might only need it for a short period of time or you might need it for years to come, but either way that’s okay it’s your journey to recovery and no one can tell you how to take it. And alternatively if you feel like it’s better for you not to take medication, then that’s okay too. Some people don’t do better on the medication, other things might help them, like certain vitamins or exercise or other activities that may help you move forwards. Like I said before this is YOUR journey, you decide what’s best for you in the long run, you can listen to people’s advice, but in the end you're the one with the final say. As long as you’re trying to get better, you do you. Take care of yourself the way that works best for you, you might have to try a whole bunch of things until you find what works, but it’s worth the effort. Taking a step in the right direction is the first milestone on your trek to overcoming this beast that’s trying to drag you down. Don’t let it, it won’t be easy, but it’ll be more than worth it. There are people that care and want you to get better, and honestly I do care 100% I’m that person that really cares about anyone, unless they do something I can’t look past (which honestly isn’t much). Truthfully you need someone I’m always willing to talk. The door is always open I guess you can say. And to show you that it isn’t only my brother that I constantly try to help so you believe me when I say you can reach out to me. My bestfriend that I had all through middles school and half of high school until he left and cut ties, was severely depressed and many times came to me to talk him out of taking his life, I did it every time without fail, no matter what he did or how many fights we got into, truly I was always there for him and he knew it. Not once did I hesitate to care for him, even when we dated and he cheated on me with a close friend, nothing change the simple fact I would do anything to help him. Along with him and other friends I’ve had like him, my boyfriend is depressed, extremely so, I do worry for him. But I believe that together we can find a way for him to survive this last year that he has to spend in the place that makes him the most unhappy. After that we’ll find a way to keep the progress going. I knew getting into this relationship that he had depression, did I know how bad it was? No I did not, but that doesn’t change the fact that I’m more in love with him than I thought possible. He is an amazing beautiful human being, being depressed doesn’t change that fact. It just adds more layers to the man I love. Never think that being depressed ruins you or your appeal, you are all beautiful human beings and you are worth the world and so much more. I know that’s hard to believe but it’s the truth. You are all incredible and I believe in you. You will find a way to get through this. You will overcome this. You will find a way to be happy. The depression might never fully leave you, but you definitely lessen its hold on you. There has already been so much loss and death, we don’t need anymore. Please reach out to someone, even if it’s me when you feel like ending it. I promise you it’s not worth it to end it all. There is still so much for you to accomplish and see. Don’t give up. Never give up, never surrender. You are beautiful incredible and needed. Keep that in mind please. People love you people care for you and people want you to survive this monster. Even if you don’t think that people do, they do, hell I do. I’m telling you the truth I’m more than willing to lend an ear or a shoulder to anyone that needs it. Please take me up on that if you need someone. I care about each and every one of you. I guess I should end this here, but just know I’m always here and I care about all of you.

for every "🌹" received in my inbox i'll post one random sentence of a random WIP i'm currently writing

Hahahahaha

I’m not taking a chance sis

The truth

I’ve always been the type to hide my pain. I struggle silently for the most part. Very few have seen me cry. Though many have seen my scars. I’ve not been the one to hide after the fact. I try my hardest to be honest, but I almost never tell people the truth about my scars. They know that they’re self-inflicted, I’d never try to actually convince them otherwise anymore. Though I never really tell them the truth of the reasons behind them. I always give them basic reasons and they accept that. They don’t push so I don’t offer the real reasons. I doubt I’d tell them even if they did. I would not in a million years post this if I thought there was any chance of anyone I personally know seeing this. I’m not sure if I’d be able to post it if I knew more than like ten people would see this honestly. I feel like if I talk a little more about it, maybe I could help someone else. Or at the very least make sure they know they’re not alone in this fight. Most likely I’m going to regret this, but I’ll go though with it anyway. Let me start of with this, no this isn’t me trying to get attention or be all woe is me. If I wanted attention there are plenty of other places I could do that. Here I’m only ever going to be raw and honest. The same way I was with my first post. So I’ll start from the beginning and build up to the present. So when I was young my parents got divorced, though they still almost have always lived together, which means lots of fights, that my brother and I always witnessed no matter how hard they tried to hide it from us. We weren’t stupid, we saw and heard pretty much everything, or mostly I did. Though that’s probably the least of it if I’m being honest. I’ve always been bullied for one thing or another, sometimes for my weight, sometimes for being half black, sometimes for my parents and other things I honestly couldn’t tell you because I don’t even think they knew why. I had a lot of fake friends throughout my life, they mostly wanted my brother even as a young girl. Mostly I ended up getting adopted by my brother’s friends which was great as long as my brother and I were on good terms. When I was in I think second grade, my absolute best friend who was a year older than me and was completely infatuated with my brother, decided to experiment with my body without my permission to do so. I’d love to say that was the only time something like that happened to me, but that’s not true you’ll get to know what I mean later on in this post. So she raped me for lack of a better word while I was sleeping over at her house. I never told a soul until really recently. If you didn’t gather my brother was everything to me as a kid, he was, honestly still kinda is, but we moved the summer of my third grade year. I don’t know what happened, but after that my brother and my relationship really fell apart for a long time after that, still hasn’t been the same honestly. So I lost my only really friend, which made me very lonely and desperate for friends and a place to fit in. I got that, but I also lost that fairly quickly as well. The bullying continued even with the change of schools, not that I really expected anything different. There was a neighbor that lived across the street from me that worked at my school. He kinda became a family friend. Keep that in mind as I tell you the next part. Almost everyday during lunch for close to six months, he would molest me. I didn’t want to make a big deal about it, hell I blamed myself about it, so I didn’t tell anyone about it. My friends noticed what was happening and knew it wasn’t right, so they went to the principal behind my back without my knowledge. The principal didn’t do much of anything about it, I mean the guy got fired, but she didn’t tell my parents or contact the police like she was supposed to. So she reinforced inside my head that it was my fault. Also his mother verbally attacked me for telling her other much younger son about it. So I didn’t tell anyone else for a very long time. Since both made me continue to believe I was in the wrong. Though I know now that isn’t true, it took me so long to get to that point. Three years later I told my mom about it and begged her not to tell anyone, then maybe a year and a half later I told both my brother and father about it. He still lived beside me and I still had to deal with him. He moved away finally maybe a year ago. After I had graduated high school. That was spread around school after I talked about it around the wrong person. Eventually everyone knew some version of the story. My entire middle school knew some small part of the story. I was horrified and that made the bullying worse. For a long time I felt completely alone even with friends, there were only two people that actually really made a difference in my life during that time and they both left me in very different ways. One was Harlee my best friend, she stood up for me or kept me away from the people trying to tear me apart. That was before 8th grade when her and her new best friend started bullying me using things only my friends knew. So it hurt so much more. The other one was the best friend I got after Harlee left me. Her name was Kelly, she was such a bright beautiful soul. She was amazing and really helped me begin to heal for the first time in my life. We had lost touch after 8th grade and the next I had heard about her was that she died. She meant the world to me and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss her. She was barely 13 when she died from cancer, I never knew the extreme pain of loss until that day. I couldn’t move for an hour after I’d heard about her passing, besides the sobs ripping through my entire body. I still haven’t gotten over the pain of her passing. That was one of the times I really started to self harm, after that pain. I’d done it a few times before like when my aunt had gotten breast cancer, which she luckily survived, or when I had told someone new about what the guy had done to me. Things were kinda fine for awhile, there was still bullying, but nothing comparable to middle school. I had gotten into a relationship with my best friend and things were serious between us. We had really thought we were gonna get married. We both still live each other, but we’ve both moved on. He got into another amazing relationship, but I didn’t. I wanted to rebel against him which in hindsight made no sense seeing as I broke up with him, but I dated a girl he told me would be no good for me. He was 100% correct, she was terrible to me and for me. That didn’t stop me from staying in that terrible relationship for almost three years. She was abusive to say the least, but it was kinda okay in the beginning. She desperately was trying to buy my love, which I gave to her in a way. She spent a lot of money on me but she was truly awful. Though things never got physical in the beginning. It was over a year into it when she started hurting me. It seems like after we had sex she got so much worse. She would beat me, which I would fight back just as hard, but that I could handle mentally. It wasn’t until she started raping me that I truly knew this wasn’t going to change. I wouldn’t say I was scared of her, since I knew I could take her, but I was so lost by this point I didn’t know who or what I was anymore. I either needed out of that relationship or I was going to end up dead, whether it be her or me I didn’t know. Still it took me a very long time to get outta the relationship. It was the December after graduation I finally stuck to my guns and got out of it. I lost most of my high school years to that girl, but I learned a lot from that experience. I wouldn’t be who I am today without that terrible experience happening. I got a stalker soon after the break up since I almost immediately met a guy online and tried to become fwbs with him. We met up once, did a little bit, but he got almost as crazy as my ex. Eventually I honestly didn’t feel safe anywhere in my neighborhood or town because of them. I needed out, but I didn’t know how. I genuinely hate myself and I felt ugly beyond description. Those external things really destroyed me internally, for a long time throughout most of those things I wanted to die. I hated everything about me and nothing helped. I would self harm and it felt good to me. I know how that sounds, trust me. But for years all I really felt was stress, pain, numb and fake. As bad as it sounds self harm helped temporarily, though I do not at all promote it. You get addicted to it and it’s nearly impossible to quit. It’s not really worth it. Honestly if I could undo it I probably would. Though there isn’t anything I can do now besides fight the urge. Things got better and worse when I moved to the other side of the country. But I think I bore my soul enough for today. Now I’m in an amazing relationship with an even more amazing guy. I wouldn’t change a thing, as long as I get to keep him. He’s helped me heal in ways I never knew possible. I love him with every inch of my body and I wouldn’t trade him for an easier life. I really don’t know how I survived everything, but I promise you the fight to stay alive is always worth it. I’m proof of that. I had almost given up on life and love, then Josh came into my life. My love for him, began the slow process of healing. So I guess the moral is, no matter your history, you have a bright future ahead of you as long as you keep living to get to that point. It’s worth the fight I promise you that. If you ever need someone to talk to I’m here for you no matter what. I love you all and I need you to keep fighting, to keep living. Sorry for the long post, but I think it needed to be out there. I mean it, if you need someone to talk to I'm right here, I promise you that. Please feel free to reach out to me.

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Sure might as well