Apollortaylor - The Color Spectrum

Quick reminder to all the systems out there who might read this. Don’t suppress or force switches unless necessary for safety okay? Our host suppressed a switch all day and had a breakdown because of it. She got up overstimulated to the point where her own breathing was aggravating her and she kept holding her breath. It wasn’t pretty and sure wasn’t fun for her. The rest of us have been going in and out for a bit since someone else took control so that she could take a break.

I just wanted to remind anyone out there who might need to hear it, don’t suppress a switch because you think it’s not real. Denial is real and it’s a beast. But just because someone else told you that it’s not happening doesn’t change the reality. If you are experiencing these symptoms, whatever you label them as, suppressing them when it’s unnecessary can be incredibly harmful to your mental health and the health of the system. I don’t mean to say that you should never try to stay grounded, but you KNOW when you’re getting triggered and should step back. Don’t force yourself to stay in a bad and triggering environment because you think you should be able to handle it or because someone else said it’s not real. Would you stay in a loud are if you had a headache? No! So why not let someone better equipped handle the situation?

Just as a side note, if you are not in a safe environment where your system feels they cannot switch, I understand. Or if you just generally are trying to gain more control, that’s cool too, Im mainly trying to reach those deep in denial who are pushing their headmates out of the front because they don’t believe in their own validity.

Today was a bad day for our host and they were pushing aside a switch that should have happened much earlier in order to reduce the stress the host had to take on. And she ended up full on breakdown mode until someone else was finally able to come in. It’s been a few hours and she’s not back yet when typically she would be by now. I’m not sure when she’ll return but it shouldn’t be too long.

Till next time. -Izuku (emotional regulator)

Waves!!

I see you in our notes on @crow-collective15 a lot and wanted to say hello!!!

Hi! Hope you are doing well.

-Apollo

Today is judgment day. My appointment is in like 40 minutes. Totally not freaking out.

I’m either going to cry, have an anxiety attack, or switch out. I hope I switch out but I really hope it happens DURING the appointment so the doctor can see it happen.

I have a psychological examination in a week. It’s four hours long and a two hour drive to get there. It’s been scheduled for months and I had been trying to get an appointment for literal years. I’m hoping that I’ll get diagnosed with DID among other things because of it (that’s the whole reason for the appointment) , but I am terrified of what the outcome will be.

Basically there are three ways this can go.

They tell me I don’t have it and I believe them. If this happens I will most likely cave to denial. Not forever but it’ll probably be at least a few months before I try to talk to my alters again. Might end up front stuck because I don’t believe they’re real. (All of that of course assuming I DO have it and the doctor gets it wrong) if they say I don’t have it I probably don’t and yes this means I can try to rehabilitate and live my life without alters, but I’m also going to feel like a shit human being for even INSINUATING that I have this disorder, let alone placating it.

They tell me I don’t have it and I don’t believe them. In the scenario, whether the explanation the doctor told me are bullshit or even if they say they ‘don’t believe in the disorder’, whatever the reason I have to go through this whole process again, anxiety and frustration and all. So let’s hope it’s not this.

They tell me I DO have it. This is genuinely probably the least messy outcome. I will most likely believe them just because they specialize in this area (assuming they believe in the disorder). The downside with this (aside from the obvious point of it all being real and incurable) is that the ONE other time I got validation from a mental heath professional (who was coincidentally the only mental health professional I talked to about this for more than five minutes and was also trauma informed) the ONLY time anyone said ‘yeah that very well may be what’s happening’ the system got so out of hand so fast. I could no longer push away my alters with the excuse of ‘they may not be real anyways’. And because I couldn’t use that reasoning to keep things in check everything went haywire for a few weeks until I could convince myself that we still don’t know if they’re real. So yeah. If it plays out like this things are going to be so hectic and stressful for a bit.

Either way, I’ll update you after the appointment and once I get the official diagnosis.

How we write a 350 word essay.

1. Write 250 words in five minutes.

2. Scroll on tumblr for thirty minutes.

3. Write 50 more words in thirty seconds.

4 Scroll on tumbler for twenty more minutes.

5. Make a stupid post about how it’s taken you almost AN HOUR to write a 350 word essay and you aren’t even FUCKING DONE YET

6. Cry

Not to mention that a huge part of DID and other dissociative disorders is the constant battle with denial. And that fake claiming someone feeds the imposter syndrome and can seriously set someone back on their fight against it. It can seriously harm the person who’s been trying to hard just to believe themselves.

Fake claiming doesn’t help anyone at all. If you manage to correctly call someone out who doesn’t actually have DID I can guarantee your words will do absolutely nothing to change them. And on the much greater chance that you fake claim someone who ISN’T faking, you are going to very likely do a lot of damage to someone who is already struggling.

If you claim to be ‘calling people out’ for the sake of the community, I promise you that you are doing absolutely nothing for them except attacking a lot of already vulnerable individuals.

So please stop.

"if you really had DID you wouldn't care if you got fakeclaimed"

I'm sorry but people are ALLOWED to feel emotions about being fakeclaimed

If someone who's disabled just so as BREATHES online you guys go "lol fake" no matter what

We are allowed to angry and upset over this

It's not a sign of faking to feel emotions

It's hurtful and sends people into denial spirals

What fakeclaimers do IS HURTING DISABLED PEOPLE and then y'all call us fake for being HURT by what you say??? Your a fucking bully.

If someone is bullying someone they have every fucking right to be upset.

Update, we went to the doctor and she was very concerned by our symptoms but didn’t actually do a POTS test like we hoped she would. She told us a cardiology would do it but we don’t have the money to see a specialist. So instead we’re going to see if we can get tested at our local health department tomorrow. Will let you guys know.

I did put on my old Apple Watch to track my heart rate and it has such a high range. Just through the day my hr will jump from 86-130 cause I stand up.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo

Voice dysphoria is the literal worst. Like, it’s easy enough to avoid our reflection, but damn is it hard to avoid talking when most people don’t know American Sign Language.

Fuck this and me.

-Hunter

Feel lucky, I can never get our voice to work right

-Hunter

Voice dysphoria is the literal worst. Like, it’s easy enough to avoid our reflection, but damn is it hard to avoid talking when most people don’t know American Sign Language.

Fuck this and me.

-Hunter

This was a reply on a response to an ask. In the post I mentioned why I don’t want endogenic systems on my page. I’ve said it a few times but here’s it again for those who missed it or were asleep in the back of the classroom.

My experience with the Endo community hasn’t been totally terrible, but I have seen their bad side. A lot of other traumagenic systems have been targeted by the endo community because of their difference in opinions. This can come in many forms including attacking trauma only discord servers, targeting those with opposing view points, cyber bullying, and spreading hate and discourse.

People tend to feel attacked when their viewpoint is challenged, whether they’re being attacked or not. And people who are insecure in their identity or view point (as I believe many endos are) tend to lash out when they feel that way. I don’t want to say anyone is a bad person, I’m just pointing out patterns I have seen and heard of over and over. A lot of endos have resorted to hate and cyber bullying when they find those who don’t believe them.

Now this isn’t to say that the traumagenic community hasn’t also been hurtful. I’ve seen plenty of people attacking every endo or supporter they see based on their past experiences with a different endo or supporter.

Now here comes the really messy part. Even if endos aren’t purposely hurting those who aren’t in their community, they are actively spreading misinformation that can seriously damage the public view of systems. By making claims like “you can choose to be like this” or that it’s all fun and games warps the reality of the pain and trauma that is associated with dissociative disorders. And by spreading a false narrative it makes it harder for those struggling to be taken seriously.

Just to be clear I do not condone any kind of attacks or targeting of endos or their community. I am perfectly happy to coexist as long as they stay in their own lane.

Have a good day -Apollo/Elizabeth

That system feeling when your MALE alter comes out and finds your STRAIGHT boyfriend cute and then proceeds to flirt with him and makes him question everything. 😂

-Apollo