So…. We’ve Noticed That When Some Of Us Front We Aren’t Always Aware Of Certain Memories Until

Well apparently they aren’t primary care like it said on their website. Apparently they’re just like a virtual urgent care and can’t write me a referral for a tilt table test. This is so frustrating. I’m literally in tears.

Ha ha, doctor’s appointment in the morning to see if I have a chronic disease. Let’s see how this goes.

-Apollo

We really need to choose comfort shows that are actually, you know… comforting.

Just started rewatching one of our favorite shows and I honestly don’t remember it being so heart wrenching wrenching.

Anyways. *wipes tears and starts new episode* Back to it.

-Apollo? Maybe??

Isn’t it great when you have chest pain and whatnot? And because you have all sorts of undiagnosed physical issues AND you’re afab you just kinda have to deal with it and not let your anxiety eat you alive? Great right?

I can’t tell if I want to change my name because I hate my old one, if I’m questions my gender again, or if there’s a new alter who needs a name.

-Apollo (for now)

Like, we feel so bad for the host’s boyfriend because she will periodically just disappear and he’ll be stuck with some random person who has her body, like that must suck. I kinda want to force a switch for him but I know she switched out for a reason.

-either Leo or Hunter

This user/system/singlet hates Pluralpedia!

Reblog to annihilate an endogenic system today!

I’ve been having a lot of doubts recently. A lot of wondering if I’m just making it up because I wanted to. I don’t know right now. Maybe I just wanted to be broken so that my pain was finally valid.

I don’t know.

Moral of the story. If I delete my blog or go quiet for a while, it’s cause I’m rethinking everything.

-Apollo

Day 6: Problematic Alter

So here’s the thing. I feel like calling an alter ‘problematic’ is not a great way to communicate with your system. Anything they are doing is almost certainly a coping mechanism brought on by trauma. Does that means it’s always healthy? Absolutely not. But that doesn’t mean they’re doing it to harm the system, even if that’s what happens sometimes. Labeling an alter as ‘problematic’, to us at least, has the same kind of feel as labeling them as ‘the evil alter’ it’s not a great feeling. It often alienates them and a lot of times makes them feel unwanted, you are literally attaching the word ‘problem’ to their identity. How would that make you feel?

And this is not to say that alters don’t do things that can harm the system, or their relationships with others. It’s just to say that EVERYONE should have their own side heard before a conclusion is made. And understanding why an action was taken isn’t going to make the action okay. But it will help you empathize with the person who did it and give you insight on the help they need, as opposed to ridiculing them for what they have learned they need to do to survive.

Labeling an alter as ‘problematic’ is many times a fantastic way to distance them from the system and make them not want to talk to you. Honestly, would you want to sit down and have a conversation with your parents, for instance, if they told all their friends you were the ‘problematic child’? Probably not. That doesn’t mean you were never a pain, or that you never acted up, it’s just not healthy to attach that word to a persons identity.

All this to say, can we not label alters like this? They aren’t just characters for you to talk about and headcannon and label, and doing so isn’t really in the sake of progress. If you have an issue with something your alter is doing a good first step is to try to understand why they do it.

-Angelo/Apollo

Systober I guess?

Apparently there’s a systober thing going on??? I’m gonna use it as a prompt for text posts each day (might draw some stuff, who knows) and we’ll see how far we can get into it and how many days we just forget. I’ll post the photo of the prompt list below. Credit to @persmo for the list.

Just realized I have a sensory issue with sweat running down my face/neck. So whenever I have to mow the lawn and it’s like 90 degrees out (not an exaggeration) I always have a mental breakdown because of the sensory issues of sweat and bugs and having pots making the whole fucking experience miserable. And to top it all off, I get inside and my parents yell at me for taking more than one day to do it cause our yard is big and I always want to cry the entire time I do it. Like come on, if you want it done faster go fucking do it yourself, this is how I have to do it, if you have a problem with how it happens then find someone else who will do it your way.

Had our first therapy session this morning with an actual trauma informed therapist/physiatrist. And she made a few very good points.

The main one being, it doesn’t matter what label your symptoms fall under. While yes getting a diagnosis can be very beneficial in helping you understand what steps can be taken, it is not required in order for you to be valid. If you are not CONSCIOUSLY putting on a show of having a disorder for attention then these symptoms are real to you. They affect you don’t they?

If you are in physical pain it doesn’t matter if there’s a physiological reason like a broken bone or if it’s a misfire in your brain. It’s still painful. And you would never tell someone in pain that it’s not real because you can’t see the problem. So why would you tell yourself that.

No one can take away your validity, you are in total control of whether you belive in yourself. Other people can do their best to invalidate you and influence your confidence, but it only if you let them will they have any success.

And I know it might sound a bit hypocritical because I didn’t feel valid until my therapist told me I was this morning. This is as much a lesson I need to learn as it is for you. I just hope as many people as possible can hear this and start to do something about it for themselves.

Other than that, have a goodnight.

-Apollo