You Look Great In That Frog Costume

Diary Entry #21

This one is very angry and talking about transphobes (and also a brief mention of sui attempts/sh) so... i don't know here's your warning

I don't know why I'm so nice to my grandparents. Even in the letter I'm going to give to them when I move out I can't help but to let myself be a rug for everyone in my life.

I got my grandma a refurbished new phone. I got my grandpa very nice stuff too. I'm constantly being nice to them. Every time I'm nice to them a part of me reminds myself that these people abandoned the real me for being trans, essentially. They shut me down every single fucking time I try to tell them "THIS IS KILLING ME PLEASE GOD HELP."

There's nothing I could ever say to even let me do something simple like cutting my hair. They're too prideful, too concerned with their reputations.

They love deadname, they love her very much, but they despise August and wish that the true me would go away. But it won't, because of course it won't, because it's who I am. They would rather let me mutilate myself and try to kms than maybe, MAYBE listening to me.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I just killed myself. I can't die a girl, but I have no idea what else would make them listen. And even then, they can console themselves with the false notion that they tried to save me. But it wouldn't be true, and we would've both known that.

They are nice 95% of the time but the ugliness of their ideologies shine through sometimes and disgusts me, and then I hate myself for being so stupid and thinking that they care. They care, but only in the sense that they care about deadname and not me. They couldn't even handle me when i thought I was a lesbian, what the fuck did I expect?

I keep on deluding myself that if I just say the right thing, if I try hard enough, if I'm agreeable enough, maybe they'd listen. But I know this isn't true, no matter how much I'd like it to be. I wish they were cruel more often, as awful as it sounds, so I had some leg to stand on, to not constantly doubt myself.

Every family member I've ever had has hates trans people, my aunts, uncles, father, grandmother/fathers, my cousins, everyone hates trans people. I don't know what we could've possibly done wrong to garner this horrible hatred.

I'm paranoid to come out to my coworkers because what if there's a transphobe among them and they report me? What then? I need to tell someone but there's no one to tell and it's tearing me apart from the inside.

I look at people on the street, at work, etc. and I know that statistically a lot of them hate me based on who I am. It's a terrible life to live, I don't want it but I have to. There's no one to help.

I know i complain a lot, but the lack of aro culture in queer spaces is really annoying. no your “aros are valid!” *insert aro flag* posts don’t do it!

aromanticism isnt just about asking for “validity” from others. it’s also not just a hashtag u can put in a pride post that has absolutely nothing about aromanticism.

it sucks that I need to go back to aro spaces to find some quality content. there’s also barely any poc/asian aro-ace content out there that also focuses on aromanticism as a separate thing from asexuality!

this post will still not do anything, I know… but

pride month is almost over, yet aros still exist! include them in your voices, in your minds, in your posts.

having viral posts is all fun and games until you have clowns in your mentions being like "well, op, i bet you also didn't know THIS" [haughtily explains something i absolutely would and do know] like add whatever to my posts that you think is informative just don't direct it at ME! i know! i just didn't include it in the post i made in 20 seconds because i didn't think 30,000 of you would see it!

[Start ID: A picture of a grey hamster on a blue couch. Top text says “I can’t fucking take it”, bottom text says “seriously I’m at my limit. /End ID]

Tw- transphobia

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Today fucking sucked

Misgendered constantly, had to deal with my annoying bible thumping counselor being queerphobic, and I had to admit I wasn’t straight at my appointment (they ask for your sexuality for some fucking reason, I lied at first but my grandma said “be honest” so I told them the truth after that.)

Could someone please use my name (August) in a sentence with my pronouns (he/him/it) I’m not feeling too great rn.

the forbidden fruit of knowledge except it's testosterone

Diary entry #3

Hoooooo boy I am shaking so bad. I generally have a level of "shake" that I usually have, always a little twitchy and I get terribly lightheaded, shaky, and have to sit so I don't fall whenever I stand up (usually if I do it quickly.) But like I'm shaking so hard that it's kinda hard to type. Why? My stomach hurts. Sometimes it's just like that when I get nauseous.

Speaking of things I should probably talk to a doctor about! I think I might have OCD. I get straight up awful thoughts and I sometimes have to do something to fix them. I have a back and forth in my head constantly and it's fucking exhausting!!! But I am afraid that I'll be not allowed to go on T if I get a diagnosis (I'm already autistic so that could be something they could deny me for maybe). (Also don't know if I explained properly, sorry)

Some dude on reddit told me I probably don't have OCD because I'm autistic, idk if he's right. I know you can have both but it's possible I'm mistaking my autistic thoughts for OCD thoughts.

Well that's it I guess

'People are panicking about AI tools the same way they did when the calculator was invented, stop worrying' cannot stress enough the calculator did not forcibly pervade every aspect of our lives, has such a low error rate it's a statistical anomaly when it does happen, isn't built on mass plagiarism, and does not obliterate the fucking environment when you use it. Be so fucking serious right now

"I want to be a dragon."

A dumb idea that I had while at work that is now real thanks to me drawing it: the alphabet mafia!! I think the term alphabet mafia is way too funny for conservatives to use, I kind of like it even if it's supposed to be bad lol

I tried to be creative with the designs but they kinda suck, also fun fact the bisexual person is nonbinary because I wanted to include a nonbinary person as well :)

[ID: a digital drawing with a rainbow pride flag background of the alphabet mafia, a group of queer people who have weapons and color schemes associated with their pride flags /END ID]

Lolcow culture is so fucking weird dude. Like these (mostly neurodivergent) people are being told to do horrible things to themselves and/or others because "it's funny". It's so strange. I stand by my opinion, even though I made a post on reddit and deleted it because I was scared of kiw1farms finding it and making me into a lolcow (it's something I worry a lot about, because I am autistic and sometimes end up posting stupid stuff), and half of the people in the autism meme sub I was on disagreed with me.

Kiw1farms scares the fuck out of me tbh. I used to be interested in lolcows and stuff, but I realize that it's really strange and probably stupid to watch someone degrade over time, it feels like I'm participating in something awful by even watching it. (I never was a lolcow forum user, but I used to watch videos on it.)

Sorry this is long and kind of off topic, but I agree with your post a lot.

at this point I'm on the side of the people who draw fat furry art and view my body as attractive over the people who openly try to condemn that art and who always ironically ends up being into lolcow stuff and other puritanical bullshit.