It Can Be Really Hard To Learn To Engage In Positive Self Talk, But Sometimes It's Easier To Start By

I hate hospitals/where even mountains weep

in the hospital's crowded hallway,

I stand alone

cold steel clatters,

overlapping somber screams

drenched in antiseptic-

the reaper's lullaby.

the worst of it, however, is when

i see a father

he's concrete and rocks,

a pillar of our haven,

the core of a warm hearth.

but his iron heart,

now starts to fracture,

like a sandcastle

facing the wrath of a storm.

he, who once blazed so bright,

shielding us from the cold

now withers, grows pale

his flame, once bold, now a blue ember.

as I gaze upon him,

i ponder the weight he bears;

in his shoes,

what fate awaits I-

a house of cards,

should I, too, bear

even a fraction of his woes.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time I was a real person. I used to do the things that real people do. I had a job. I was close to my family. I had friends. I used to go out and do things that real people do. Go to dinner with my friends. See a movie. Go to a concert. Attend special occasions like birthdays, confirmations, funerals, school events, weddings, first communions. I could be relied upon. I was respected. The people I cared about cared about me too.

Then I was robbed. I have a disease and it stole everything from me. My job, my friends, some of my family. It happened somewhat slowly. Rumors were spread that I was an alcoholic because my schedule became erratic. Then there was some concern about the medication I was taking to help control the disease. I obviously had a problem. I started cancelling on people, again and again. I was honored to be asked to be a friend's bridesmaid, and excited that the wedding was in another country. What fun! But then I realized I wasn't going to be able to make it. And I had to cancel. We're not close friends anymore. That's just one example of life as I know it.

My friends don't ask me out. Why bother when I'm either going to say no or cancel at the last minute? I don't ask anyone over to see me. Why? Because I can't keep house. I don't have the strength. I didn't even make it to dinner on my own birthday this year. Or my husband's birthday (I promised to take him out; he said he wouldn't hold his breath). Or my mother's birthday. (The grocery list for dinner is still on the refrigerator.)

My story started "once upon a time." I know better than to expect "happily ever after."

I desperately need this in my life.

Something to think about!

The Decatur Daily Review, Illinois, September 16, 1934

Never Forgotten

It's been a year today since my mother-in-law died. Every time we look at the calendar, we see the date. Nothing's marked on this year's calendar, but we know. And we remember. We remember all the things that we loved about her. All the things she did for us. And all the things about her that drove us crazy. But mostly, we think: it shouldn't have happened. She should still be here.

Her death was not an easy one. Not for her. And not for us. We had to make the decision as to whether to keep treating her and hope she would recover somewhat, or to let her go. After agonizing discussions with specialists, family, and friends, we, decided to let her go. She was my husband's only parent; the last of his family. And we miss her greatly.

It's my 13 year anniversary on Tumblr 🥳

Yay, me!

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