Maybe If I Hadn’t Been So Afraid Of Rejection I Could’ve Shown You How Much Love I Had In Store.

REINVENTING MYSELF-Femininity

Simply put, I don’t like the woman I am now. I am a manifestation of my parents neglect, insecurities rooted in me since a child, along with suppressed and very obvious trauma. I want to see better, I want to do better, I want to attract better.

In preparation for spring (the actual “New Year”) I am currently throwing away EVERYTHING and starting completely fresh. Clothes, wigs, sheets, I even thought about tossing my diploma not a soul asked me for (not even school, everything is electronic).

This is she, me. Anew

Personality

She is mysterious, yet has a welcoming aura about her. You know she’s not the woman to step to unless it’s worth her time, but intimidating isn’t the feeling that comes over the admirer. She’s playful, actively laughing and playing with her dogs. Publicly and privately. A hopeless romantic, though a seductress first. Her love (and lust) is earned. She’s very hard to get.

Hopeless Romantic

Adventurous

Rebellious

Creative

Bookworm

Athletic

Hobbies

She’s always trying something new to see if she finds something she likes. Fear of dislike is never on her mind. As a curious spirit, she not only has hobbies but works to advance and meet those who share the same hobbies as her

Art museums

Theatre

Cooking & making recipe books to pass down

Scrapbooking

Learning about nature (plants, Survival skills, history)

Baking (for anyone)

Chess

White Wine

Astrology

Teapot Collecting

Reading research articles

Boundaries

Again, she’s very hard to get. Hard to impress. Hard to convince. Hard to plead to. As warm as her aura may be, she’s very no nonsense. She is in tune with her inner voice and intuition, who are the first to advise her about whatever you’re telling her.

No sex before substantial financial/personal commitment

Limited debates, always held with class and even tone. Never arguments or fights

Not surrounding self around people who don’t share the same ambition

I come first. My safety, my priorities and myself, period.

No unannounced guests (gift deliveries excluded)

I don’t entertain conversations with men after a certain time

I am selective about what I choose to listen to, so I cut all unproductive/negative conversations very short

Goals

She is an “overachiever”. Whatever that means.

Purchase first property

Travel to 5th country

Obtaining black dermatologist

Selling select art pieces for over ($XX,XXX)

Approved for American Express Platinum Card

Accepted into Ph.D program

Complete first few books/scripts

Learn Spanish and ASL fluently

I went deep into depth privately, and I highly suggest you do the same. Sometimes, it helps to have an organized, detail breakdown of who you are, who you want to become, and most importantly who are you leaving behind.

$TufaniTalks

“Never say no to adventures. Always say yes, otherwise you’ll lead a very dull life.”

— Ian Fleming

Midsummer’s Eve: A Reverence to Roses - John Henry Lorimer

Me: this is hamletcore

My therapist: we actually call it clinical depression

types of academia pt. 2

art: paint dried at the cuffs of your favorite jacket, ink smudged hands, your notebooks are just sketchbooks for your class doodles with notes crammed in between the drawings, sudden revelations, wanting to create something meaningful with your own two hands, thinking of pygmalion during your sculpting class, reading a book and coming across that one sentence that sparks the inspiration for your next piece, afternoons on a soft green hill sketching, the scent of jasmine on the breeze, the music blaring in your headphones is all you can hear or feel as you work through the night, laying under the starlight

writer: the sound of a pen against parchment, the glow of a computer screen in a dark room, the sound of a clock ticking away the hours, reading with a hunger that will only be satisfied once you can give shape to your own words, empty notebooks, notebooks full of poetry, forgotten ideas that were not written down, your notes app is full of poetry, rainy days full of time spent typing away, living every experience in its rawest fork because you know you can write about it later, “write what you know” so you try to know everything, dreaming through your characters eyes, you and the moon have become good friends after nights spent writing under her light and reading your prose out loud

romantic: sketches of your love in a sketchbook that’s falling apart, singing to the moon at night, reciting sonnets alone in the woods, linen and silk, bathed in golden light, wax seals on love letters, pressed flowers in a journal, wanting to catch the stars and put them in the eyes of the one you love, the sweet scent of roses, ivy crawling up a cobblestone wall, a garden full of statues and plants that flint silver in the moonlight, sweet milk tea, daydreaming in a meadow

sci-fi: stargazing is a personality trait, deteriorating copies of sci-fu novels, coffee stained science magazines, a cork board full of conspiracies, squinting at the sky in search of life, believing there’s something more, tangled headphones, leather-bound dream journal, fog filled nights, psychoanalyzing, sticky note with the names of different theories scribbled on it that you need to research later, scrolling through wikipedia pages under your blanket when you should be sleeping, walkie talkies, a head full of wonder

urban: city lights blazing like stars, briskly walking down streets through the crisp air, drizzle fogging your glasses, hands in the pockets of a frayed coat, the overt dichotomy of light and dark, shadows in alleys and buzzing neon signs, dim bars and lit apartment windows, a small book shop crammed between a starbucks and bank, going to a vintage movie theater at the center of the city, mornings spent at the museum that’s free before noon, nights snuggled up in a blanket in your small, overpriced apartment as you read a book near the window and watch the city breathe

pt. 1

Hang on. It gets easier and then it gets okay and then it feels like freedom.

Taylor Swift (via nightlyquotes)

imagine, you’re in paris. la vie en rose is playing as you’re watching the rain pour from your window, looking at the eiffel tower, sipping on a glass of rosé, preferably with your love.

“One day it just clicks… You realise what is important and what isn’t, you learn to care less about what other people think of you and care more about what you think of yourself. You realise how far you have come and you remember thinking that things were such a mess they’d never recover and then you smile. You smile because you’re truly proud of the person you have fought to become.”

— Unknown

The Diary of Anaïs Nin, 1944–1947

How do you fall back in love with life?

clean your room.  clean space, uncluttered space, space that doesn’t have miasma clinging to it can work wonders.  clean the dishes.  sweep.  take out the trash.  peel the clothes off the floor and wash them, and then actually fold/hang them.  take a long shower.  scrub behind your knees.  brush your teeth.  (this can be utterly exhausting, but try to get it done in a day, if you can.  the end result is worth it.)

pull out your notebook.  it doesn’t need to be a new notebook, but preferably one that you don’t usually write in, or that you haven’t touched in a while.  fuck moleskins.  the yellow legal pad will work fine.  sit in your room, or in the park, or in the library, and write a list.  count clouds.  describe all the colors that you see, and note patterns that arise.  sketch the cracks in the walls.  note the shape light makes when it enters a space.  talk about what the air tastes like, smells like.  what sounds are there?  even the white nose, break that down: air planes, fans, cicadas, anything.  remind yourself that you are sitting in the middle of a space brimming with detail.  remind yourself that you are not in nothingness and emptiness.  your world is fathomless.  it has potential.

drink cold water and try to eat something that isn’t processed.  it does not need to be fancy.  buy yourself an apple with the change between your couch cushions.  eat it outside.  if you’re someone who walks, walk somewhere afterwards, just to stretch your legs.  take your fucking meds.  remember that its a good thing that you are inside your body.  your body is a fantastic and endlessly intricate machine, and even though society has smacked a bunch of poisonous ideas on it, that doesn’t change its inherent worth and splendor.  take care of it.

read a novel.  underline your favorite lines, and write phrases that twist your heart inside your chest on the back of your hand with an ink pen.  read a novel like it’s poetry.  read poetry, something decadent but unpretentious.  watch a movie you haven’t seen before.  if there are free art galleries near you, walk through one.  take your time.  let yourself bask.  if there are patterns in what makes your soul ache, write those patterns down – marbles arches or soot crumbling bricks or dandelions or descriptions of dresses or whatever it is, write them down.

your chosen family is important.  remember, they picked you as much as you picked them.  the love has no obligation.  it is given freely and it is given from a place of compassion.  you are not a burden.  if you need to breathe, take a minute by yourself and just exist, but remember to go back to your people.  when they need you, listen and be gracious.  always be gracious.  the universe sometimes remembers things like that.

listen to new music.  link jump on youtube or related artist jump on spotify or ask the chap beside you in the cafe what their favorite band is, and listen to that.  listen to something that you don’t usually listen to.  we tend to tie up a lot of memory with music.  we are falling in love again.  the soundtrack needs to be specific to that.  

allow yourself to indulge in romantics.  press flowers in old books.  play movies with subtitles and mouth the words.  dance in your room.  wear something that makes you feel good, even if you wouldn’t wear it in public.  write your chosen family letters, even if you hand deliver them.  write poetry, even awful poetry.  revel in its awfulness.  eat dark chocolate and when your chosen family want to go out, try to go out with them sometimes, even if its just to the market.