Untitled Rambles

Untitled Rambles

I feel sick. Again. Not in control. Again.

Shaken, misplaced, irregular

I have all the words ready to spew out from my faucet,

But they won’t come out, not right now,

And not right. Just jumbled word vomit that smells like grief, aching, and anxiety.

My insides feel all torn up.

All messed up.

Just like my mind.

I’m currently trying to find out if I’m even alive.

This stupid ringing in my ear,

This stupid voice in my head,

This stupid way that I look at him.

Pushing my feelings aside. No longer shoving them down his throat, just my fingers that he loves to suck.

My body that he loves to touch.

My body that is hard for me to touch.

Looking around to see others wanting me but I’m not sure if I even want myself anymore.

Cause he used to want me in a way that made my heart fucking flutter. He used to want me in a way that proclaimed love was real.

I promised to put myself first.

I promised to love myself.

I used to put myself first.

I used to love myself more than I loved anyone else.

I met him and fell down a landslide.

Is it me wanting to get pleasure because it’s so easily accessible, or is it me wanting to get pleasure to erase those feelings, to take me to an out-of-body experience, to just make my brain empty and my body full? I want to be loved, and I want to be cared for. By him. But it’s not possible, not right now, perhaps not ever, just not in the way that I love and care for him. So I’m putting myself first. I will be organized, I will be on time, I will take my medication, I will make my bed and do yoga and see friends. I will have sex for pleasure and to fill that void. I believe that love just isn’t on the menu for me right now. Not right now. I know it will come, I vow it too. But I stop my beckoning. I hold off on the searching and the begging. I’m young. It’s about me.

More Posts from Barnmousecries and Others

2 years ago

Fuck! You already know what I’m about to say

I’ve fallen.

Lips have been touched

Body has been hugged

Eyes have been met

Hands have been held

And fuck it – I’m melting


Tags
1 year ago

everyone: what's your goal in life?

me: to write a story so soul snatching, so gut wrenching and so devastatingly beautiful that it leaves you crying at 3am when you have a 8am lecture/shift and it inspires people to write entire essays, to write entire fanfics, mood boards and playlists based on it.

1 month ago

just in case no one told you, you did well this year. you don’t even realize it :( I’m proud of you, you should be proud of yourself too

2 years ago

Let me be your shore,

You the captain of the boat

You know where to find me

You know where you can dock safely

Like the wife of a soldier that leaves for war

I’ll be waiting

Call me stupid, I’m stupid for waiting but I’m not wasting away,

I’m putting myself first,

You are what i want and I refuse to give you up

Call me selfish for wanting to be called yours

Heaven knows I’ve never been this desperate before.


Tags
2 years ago

“A lover’s fancy is as creative as a poet’s, and when once it takes hold of any idea, it clings to it tenaciously.”

— Lodore, Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley

2 years ago

I’m finally working on a new project that I thought would be something small but turns out I like it too much.

I have a title for it but I don’t exactly like it… as i post about it hopefully I’ll get more inspiration for it. I’ll be tagging it under Dear Jane until I have a better idea for a title.

N Judah St.
Briefly Write
by Lu Knight. Issue 10 (March 2023).

Hey friends, I’m Lu and I’m a creative writer. I use she/her and they/them pronouns and I am 21.

I’ve been writing stories and poems since I learned how to write and before that I would doodle tales of purple dogs. I always knew that I wanted to be a published author so I could share my stories with everyone, I’ve always dreamt of seeing my novel on a shelf among the greats! My strengths in writing are: world-building, flowery details, and character building. My weaknesses are: grammar, dialogue and a bit of plot building.

Thanks to Briefly Write publishing my first micro story, I am one step closer to reaching my dream!

A little bit more about me: I am a student at Appalachian State University studying creative writing, just existing in the mountains. I love to read, take naps, go hiking, thrifting, listening to murder podcasts. I’m also a big foodie but I don’t know how to cook, hopefully in the future I’ll get better at it. My favorite animals are koalas and bunnies. I have a dog named Maggie, I’ve had her since I was in 5th grade. I have a bunny named Jeffery, he’s a rascal.

My WIPS are: The Hidden Odyssey and Colors of Emotions. I also have some short stories in the works.

I hope that you like what I create and I hope we can be friends!

2 years ago

N. 

How to describe someone time isn’t a friend of- 

Fate knows your name, 

It’s strong, your strong. In your arms, I feel safe, 

Until we let go

Music turned all the way up 

The only song I wanted to hear was your heart 

Harmonious, a voice so sweet to the ears 

Fate might not be our friend, 

But time knows our name and dammit it demands it so mockingly, 

Like a threat. 

Dare we prove fate wrong and test the stars?  We’ll test the boundaries of life itself.


Tags
2 years ago

Diana

Rising with the moon,

She represents me and you.

She’s fierce and brave,

She’ll put you in your place.

She shines brightly,

Her glow never left.

A hand outstretched and her lips upon your cheek.

A bow and arrow raised to the sky.

A breeze chills past you, breathe.

Diana, protect us from the darkness with your light.

Diana bring us children.

Goddess of the hunt, bring forth your love!


Tags
1 year ago

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT

  • alwayschasingrainbows
    alwayschasingrainbows liked this · 1 year ago
  • barnmousecries
    barnmousecries reblogged this · 2 years ago

Words[poetry, flash fiction, novels] and worlds from a writer called Lu. I sometimes post my photography.

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