Heavy And Empty?

Heavy and empty?

(Warning: low key sad, word vomit)

I don’t know if other people get this way but I have a feeling in my chest that’s empty and almost super heavy at the same time. It’s like someone dug a cavity right into my upper chest and the scoop motion of digging has left that concave feeling into it. I can’t say if I’m sad or not but I definitely feel really lonely and I don’t know what to do about it. It’s not like I don’t have friends, family, partners, etc that can help with those feelings, it’s just that it feels weird. I feel unfulfilled in the relationship dynamics I have, and I feel like I can handle the emotional capabilities of other people but conversely no one really tries to deal with my shit too(?) I don’t know how to really talk about how I really really feel sometimes with other people cuz I get these super awkward faces and then I get frustrated and dismissive of those feelings in the moment which later kinda flexes itself into this loneliness later. It kinda turns into disappointment and a bit of despair because I feel like I tried really hard to get to know other people but the same energy wasn’t put in back(?) (which makes me feel like that’s not fair because it doesn’t come out all the time so to ask other people to figure that out also feels kinda bad because then it’s like, you can’t have relationships where you expect people to gift back stuff just because you gift them). I’m low key gaslighting myself for feeling bad that the people in my life don’t know what to do with me when I get feelings. The people I feel like I want to be closer to, it feels like they drift out. Out of previous rejections I’ve had, I try to fight every instinct to cling because I know clinginess is ugly but I don’t know what to do now. Do I just make new friends at this point? Even with new relationships I can’t tell if I’m putting distance between myself and others because I’m hard or others do because they low key know I’m internally messed up. Do I give up on these other relationships because it constantly feels like no one knows me anyway so what’s the point? I feel like I put in work to them so what do I do to not feel hollow? Am I even right to crave feelings or assurance from others anymore since all I get is awkward face? I don’t really know anymore but it’s pretty exhausting. I know myself pretty well, I’m just tired of constantly maintaining my feelings to the point I feel empty and heavy almost all the time. I’m blunt and can tell people what I’m feeling but the awkward faces I get from people I’ve considered close is getting me, the distance I feel from other people I consider close is getting me, the actual physical distance I have between me and people I consider close is getting me. I guess applications for companionship are below, I promise I’m just low grade crazy inside not outside.