Maybe I Should Just Stop Talking. I Want All Of My Secrets Back.

Art is not my friend right now

I am filled with so much jealousy for other’s art, I am unable to enjoy my own.

Art is not my friend right now.

I can’t come up with anything new. I miss the days where this wasn’t a chore. We aren’t friends right now because I want my art to be something it is not.

Art is not my friend right now. I can’t make my hands create what is in my head.

Art is not my friend right now.

But all I want is for our friendship to return. It may be selfish, I want her to bring me joy. She might be the only one that can. I want to bring her to life, so we can walk hand in hand amongst creation.

Art will be my friend again soon.

how am i going to get by how am i going to pay for so and so what am i going to do on my spare time so i can enjoy myself will i enjoy my life is it worth it to be alive is it worth it to go to work everyday

Joan Baez performing I Never Will Marry, c. 1958

WARNING!

To create

I have been itching to create something,

to have my fingers covered in bright paint.

I just want to make something worth loving.

Bright colored art to make life seem less quaint,

dull tones to assure you, it will be alright.

Paintings big enough to cover a wall.

Five sculptures, all worth being basked in light.

Too much art to fill just a single hall

I want to cover canvas with dark ink.

To make something that evokes emotion

With shadows and highlights that make you think.

Maybe it will be a dark, vast ocean.

All I can say is that until I do, 

I must settle and cherish the sky’s blue

At the moment

Dried mascara stains

Little marks on my legs, arms, and shoulders.

Numbers on the scale. 

Numbers on my plate.

Tears in my eyes

Lists

So many lists

Things to do 

Things to write

Words to say

Words that will never be spoken

People to talk to. 

People to avoid. 

Breathe in 

Breathe out

Hold it in. 

Suck it in. 

Suck it up. 

Walking on eggshells

It’s all so dirty. 

Clothes on the floor. 

Papers on my wall. 

God can’t be found here. 

Scrubbing my skin until I am raw all over

Ice cold showers. 

Grades are dropping. 

They are all leaving. 

I can’t breathe. 

I can’t do it. 

Is this who I have become?

I saw her sitting on the shoreline by the sea collecting small shards of light that sparkled in infinity, tiny twinkles that flickered in my eyes, and set the sweet night sky a light.

Her gown looked like a thin veil of fog with little fireflies floating about shrinking and growing while glowing then blinking out. Her hair was adorned with a fresh multi-colored crown of flowers intertwined with thin shifting vines that seem to be alive.

A cousin to the creatures a buzzing, childlike being with transparent wing fluttering, while thin limbs orchestrated the music mother nature layered, sounds of clicking critters, and rhythmic raindrops, with winds whooshing through the leaves and I could just barely see the silhouette of other fair folk and their family moving in unity, obscured by the beauty of mother nature’s natural graces.

Twas a night of strange delights, and I was drunk with awe from what I saw, until with a panicked thrill I witnessed the night succumbing to the burning sun’s unrelenting hunger as it devoured the eve’s softness and replaced it with heated harshness.

All that was mythic and mystical left and in its stead the mundane came to claim my befuddled mortal brain.

-2023

Im so obsessed w her I’m ill

Jennifer Jareau the woman you are

Haiku #1

Your hand is in mine  My heart beating close to yours  You, who made me love

Today I woke up