It's Not Like Nikola Tesla Knew All Of Those People Were Going To Die By Hanif Abdurraqib

God

Why?

Why would you suck the color out of life? 

Who ever saw a sunset as dull as this?

What cause did you have for stealing the pigment of humanity, if not to hoard it?

What is gained by poisoning a love so true?

Is Godliness not salvation?

Door open in my room

Now I lie in my bed

my window is open wide

I don’t have to be outside to feel the cool breeze

I can hear so much

The wind

The birds

My dog’s breath

My pen on paper

Leaves rustling

Cars rushing by

My brother’s laughter

And the tapping of my own fingers

The sky is turning purple

With the purple comes comes a cloud of calm

And a gust of joy

I want it to stay this way

(Perfect temperature, perfect sounds, perfect peace)

Forever.

Journal Page #3

My dream life

GPA

Every single test

Every Single quiz

Every single report card

I didn’t do it for me

I did it for you

I did it because it was all you ever talked about

It was all you ever valued

It's all you ever saw in anyone else

I thought that if the numbers were high enough

I thought that if I got close enough to four point oh

You would love me

You would see me

You would finally hold me

But you did not

You don't

And you never will

It was all for nothing. 

I have wasted it all

And now i am gone

pretty

What do I have to do?

Paper thin and delicate

(So far from me)

Thin little lines, not the ugly kind

Bones of glass

Skin like water

Hands that fit into another hand properly

Canyon gap between legs

Face soft and structured

(not me)

Starve? 

Pray?

Off to sleep

When I close my eyes to look for sleep’s touch, I think of you.

I think of how our fingertips brushed

How much it meant to me, how little it meant to you. 

I hear your breath laughing in my ear at some joke I didn’t say,

but I wish I did. 

I remember all of the time we spend together,

even if you don’t. 

I can still see all of the little notes you left on my desk

which I wish I kept not just in my heart, but in my hand as well. 

It is all so comforting, as I drift away.  

Just to know you are in my life. 

Even if you are not mine. 

Thoughts

Life is so boring rn and my poems are not slaying so I might start writing fanfiction.

If I am being truly honest with myself,

When I think realistically about my future, 

I know in my heart I will be alone. 

It’s not that love isn't something I yearn for.

I do. I really do. 

There is this fire in my heart that wants to be put out.

But I know it will always burn.

It’s not that I am incapable of loving. 

At least I hope not. 

It’s just that I can’t really see why anyone would want to deal with loing me.

From what I know, 

Which isn't much, 

Is that love is supposed to be through thick and thin. 

Love is supposed to be filled with little moments,

Like thinking of them while you fall asleep,

Like getting to know every little thing about them.

Love is supposed to be like coming home in their arms. 

And while I feel like I could feel all of those things for someone else, 

I know nobody would feel it for me. 

Who would want to?

They want to love someone interesting. 

Someone happy. 

Someone smart. 

Someone real. 

I’m none of those things. 

No matter how hard I try. 

I hope one day I will get the hang of it. 

Being lovable. 

But I suppose for now, all that is, is a silly, childish dream.  

our last summer on the river

The air smelled sweet, of growing green

And flowers bloomed, their beauty serene

Birds chirped, as if on cue

As we dived into waters blue

The water ran with ease and grace,

A world so still and full of place.

As we grew up, we came of age,

Our path ahead, a turning page.

Our hearts would race with each new thought,

The tides of life we'd brave and sought.

And as we witnessed the river flow,

We found ourselves with more to know.

Through twists and turns, our stories formed,

A tale of love and life adorned.

As dreams took shape and hearts were won,

The summer's light had just begun.

On that river's edge, we found our way,

Our lives transformed with each new day.

And though we'd soon be far apart,

The memories etched within our heart.

Our summer days, we'll treasure long,

For in its embrace, we grew strong,

And as we bid farewell to our youth,

We'll always know, our bond is the truth.

I can almost hear her say that