YEAAAAHHHHH HAPPY PUPPY SNAIL

Fenster the Deviler - Business before pleasure

After reading the first Witcher book “The Last Wish” I was inspired to try writing in that style. Not three sentences in, it become a parody story. Grant me this rambling tale of the grumpy Deviler, Fenster.

...

The morning dew still clung to the undergrowth in the shaded parts of the forest. Among the soggy grasses and flowers, a figure turned against the midday sun peeking through the trees.

 "The sun should be illegal," The slothful figure muttered. Along a single sunbeam, a small pixie descended to the disgruntled man's side.

 "Good MORNING Fenster!" It barked in a voice not too unlike jingling bells. "We have a job today!"

 Fenster rolled up to a sitting position. His eyes were still closed in a gambit that clever wordplay could allow him to collapse back onto his soggy bedroll for the rest of the day.

 "Bingle," Fenster began with a patient voice, "I fear I have come down with a case of Vampirism and can no longer work in the daytime."

 "Oh I see," Bingle said, "I just figured you wanted to get some money. Seeing as how you haven't had a job in almost a month."

 It was true, Fenster had hit a rough patch. The once noble profession of deviler, those who stand as pillars against the darkness, had diluted to that of thugs who will glare at drunks for chump change. He thought himself the last of the TRUE devilers, but with that dignity came an empty stomach and nights spent among the weeds. Still, to a deviler like Fenster, dignity was the last bedrock for which the fragments of his misspent life can build from.

 "We shall see," Fenster said, raising to his feet, "If this job is worthy of a deviler."

 The little sprite cheered and busied himself gathering the sparse belongings of Fenster. Packed into a satchel, Fenster made his way out of the woods and into the nearby town.

 ~~~~

 The little town of Globshire was a scenic place nestled between the Wobyjack mountains and the Fimblefank river. Due to the heavy snow melt every spring, the town would completely flood. The people of the town, instead of moving, created advanced plumbing systems that could help redistribute the sudden rush of water and allow the town to keep from being totally submerged. This innovation used metal pipes forged from the ore mined out of the Wobyjack mountains. Globshire was a marvel of human ingenuity, creativity, and work ethic.

Just downriver of Globshire was Dunk, and Dunk was an absolute hog hole that was designed so it could easily be rebuilt after the flush of water from Globshire would clear it out every year.

Fenster sloshed his way through the fresh runoff of the swollen river and into Dunk's hospitable charm. People in various forms of water-resistant clothing trudged through the fresh mud of their town, carrying building materials to repair and rebuild. Those who were unable to aid in the efforts sat tending to floating bonfires and preparing meals for when the workers needed a break.

Bingle sat perched on his shoulder like an exotic bird. "This place is nice." He said with a smile, "Everyone is so friendly."

 "That's probably because they don't want to mess with a guy in black leather with a sparkly whatever sitting on his shoulder. Deviler or no, the sight can be quite intimidating." Fenster allowed himself a wry smile.

"Over there," He pointed his tiny finger at a shack that was upright, but missing a great deal of one of its walls. "The person in there needs a deviler."

 "Or a carpenter." Fenster said. He then turned his head to look at Bingle, "I swear to the nine fires if this is a job about building or sawing, I am going to slap you."

 Bingle said nothing, however he did giggle. It was the sound of bells being shaken violently in a sack made of animal skin. Whimsical and chaotic and slightly threatening. The deviler walked on.

 The owner of the shack spotted Fenster first and hustled out of her shabby abode to meet him.

"Oh! You must be the deviler! The little blue bird was right! Prayers can come true."

Fenster managed a charitable smile and spoke quietly to his diminutive companion, "Blue bird? A little on the nose, don't you think?"

Bingle shrugged, "I am whatever the people want me to be."

 he woman rushed up to Fenster. "Oh merciful Deviler, whisperer to small blue birds and deliverer of justice, I am in need of your help." She bowed her head to him.

 "Whoa, steady on there," He said, lifting his hands defensively, "Let's not get carried away here. What's the job?"

 She lifted her head, "So humble, please come this way and we'll talk." She walked back to her home and opened the door for him. Fenster paid a small glance to the gaping opening just beside the door and shrugged. He stepped in through the door and gave her a small gesture of thanks.

 ~~~~~

 "I need Wobyjack scales." Valencia said. "I need them by next week."

 he deviler had barely time to sit at the large crate that functioned as a table before Valencia, the woman from before, please try to keep up, had made her demand. Fenster was no stranger to getting right to the point, but even he was shocked by the sudden drop of decorum. Bingle had hopped onto a shelf well out of reach of the juicy floor, and was fussing with some of the shiny finery.

 "Right, sorry, Wobyjack scales?" Fenster said. He fished in one of his jacket pockets for a notebook. It was labeled, 'Incredible Monsters and how to locate them: Abridged". He flipped to the back of the book and found the small entry for wobyjacks. They are dragonkin that live in mountain caves. Known for being incredibly territorial, walking into a wobyjack cave is akin to a declaration of war. Be careful of their fire breath, acid blood, and mythril scales. Danger rank, Captain.

 "Yes," Valencia said. "I need those scales to finish my inaugural headdress before next week or I shall be the laughing stock of Dunk. A mayoress without her headdress is likely to be butchered as soon as obeyed. Why, you hear talk of the previous mayoress, Clotina Valor, now she had a headdress that could turn heads. Did you know she had the head guard stand watch over her bathing at night? The Scandal! You believe me if she had a simple headdress with only a few jubjubber feathers she would have been drawn and quartered. Do you understand my meaning?"

 "Sounds tough," Fenster said absent-mindedly, his eyes were still hovering over the word "Captain" in his book. He had never been one for numbers, but the preliminary calculations for his pay were pointing towards a hot bath and a hot meal by week's end. But something nagged at the edge of his mind. The part of his mind where he stashed nagging things, like bathing habits, birthdays, and the Deviler's Code.

He snapped the notebook shut, "You want me to slay a wobyjack for your outfit?"

"Not just any outfit," She said harshly, folding her arms across her substantial chest, "This is the official mayoral headdress and ONLY wobyjack scales will suffice." She slackened her arms, letting them fall to her sides. "I know it is short notice but you are my only hope, all the others whom I have asked have turned me down." Valencia said, she was dipping back into the sing-songy voice she had greeted him with, complete with a lilt and gesture of a fainting woman. "I am at wits end."

"I am not a tailor nor a tanner, I am a deviler." He said, "And I will not kill a beast like the wobyjack without a better reason." He moved to stand up, and that is when his stomach let out a most unflattering howl. The following silence was deafening.

"Will you give me a minute?" Fenster said. He gestured up at Bingle and the two went outside.

~~~~~

Fenster tapped his chin, looking pensively at the ground. Bingle hovered beside him, his sheer butterfly wings fluttering, which also sounded like bells.

"So," Bingle said at last, "What are you thinking?"

"I'm conflicted," Fenster said, stamping his foot on the ground, "Can't you see that? I'm tapping my chin, I'm looking down, clearly pensive. Read the air you damn pixie." He sighed. His stomach growled again.

Bingle smiled, "I don't need to read the air, it makes itself clear."

Fenster ran a hand through his hair, it swooped to the side and froze that way. "A hot bath and a hot meal," He said to himself, trying to convince that nagging part of him.

"And since it is a rush job, maybe a new sword too." Bingle said, his smile like sharp knife.

Fenster's eyebrows went up.

~~~~

"--And since it is a rush job," Fenster said, seated at the table again "I'm going to have to demand a little extra."

"But you'll take the job?" Valencia said, her eyes lighting up.

Fenster nodded, smiling to her. She clapped her hands over his and looked into his eyes, "Thank you, gracious deviler, oh savior, oh--"

"Fenster," He said, cutting her off, "Will do just fine, thanks."

She nodded, "Fenster, then. Good luck on your journey."

"About that," He said, tapping an empty pouch tied at his side, "Any chance for an advanced payment?"

"Absolutely not" She said warmly.

"Fair." He said.

~~~~~~~

The massive draconic beast heaved its breaths heavy and slow, small wafts of smoke pouring from its nostrils. Fenster sat behind a nearby rock in the Wobyjack's cave, waiting patiently. Bingle grimaced at the deviler with increasing irritation.

"What," he said in a very soft voice so as to keep the ring-ting-tingle of his voice to a bare minimum, "Are you waiting for?"

Fenster continued to dress his equipment. Vials of elixir for speedy recovery, herbs to heighten senses, throwing daggers laced with moonsilver, some mints, and his trusty claymore given to him by his teacher just before he died. It was as valuable as it was heavy and a pain in the ass to wield. But, to use it to slay the creatures of darkness that plague the land was his promise to his late teacher. Another integral part of the Deviler’s Code. So he would do so.

"I have the benefit of surprise," Fenster said softly, "I am going to use every advantage I got."

The duo had arrived at the mountain cave late at night. As such, the wobyjack slumbered peacefully. And so it follows that Fenster had found a decent hiding spot to prepare his strike. Satisfied with his tools, he began preparation.

He drank a vial of devilweed spirits, which would increase his blood flow and make him faster and stronger as well as increase his endurance. He applied nightfang chalk markings over his eyes to grant him shielded sight, so as not to be blinded or fooled by illusions. Eating a dried drungo tail would thicken and toughen his skin so the raking claws of the wobyjack would not immediately disembowel him. And finally, a few mints cause all of that makes his breath really nasty and that could be distracting.

Buffed to the teeth, he gripped his blade with both hands and looked over the edge of the rock at the sleeping wobyjack. He slowed his breathing to match the beast. "Here goes."

Fenster charged the beast and roared a spell to life. Runes on the claymore lit up the cavern as he leapt into the air. The massive arc of his swing aimed for the beast's neck. The wobyjack, as with most dragonkin, noticed the deviler the moment he came out from behind the rock. It reared its head back and avoided the strike. However, still groggy from waking up, its momentum caused it to flop onto its back. Fenster pressed the attack, the element of surprise was still fresh and powerful but would only last for a precious few more moments. The wobyjack howled and sprayed a blast of fire, flailing and swiping with a massive barbed tail. The bright fire failed to blind the deviler and he managed to just barely tuck his body into a roll to avoid having his brains sent splattering to the cavern walls. Years of training at the deviler institute as well as his time in the deviler acting troupe had given him the skill to deftly dodge and look good doing it. He rolled to his feet and continued his charge, raising the blade to point the tip at the wobyjack's exposed underbelly.

A wobyjack has dangerously sharp scales everywhere on its body except for its belly, which has thick and tough hide. No mere blade could hope to carve a meaningful strike. However, Fenster's teacher's claymore was no mere blade, and the magic that currently ripped through it was no mere magic. As Fenster neared the tender gut meat, the wobyjack lunged its head to snap its jaws around the deviler. There would be no dodging this attack, and there would be no advantageous second strike. It was now or never. He lifted the blade up, raising the glowing claymore high over his head. The wobyjack brought its jaws down around the deviler. But instead of snapping like a twig, Fenster remained whole.

The drungo tail indeed helped his flesh, but above that, the rank taste of a man who had not bathed for weeks assaulted the enhanced draconic senses of the wobyjack. It was only for a moment that the beast retched, but it was just enough. With his raised arms free of the wobyjack's jaws, Fenster shouted a battle cry and brought the blade down on the beast's neck. The magic embedded within the Vorpal Sword came to life and cleanly split the neck from the body. The dragonkin's head seized in a fit of rigor mortis before everything became stillness and silence.

Bingle flittered out from behind the rock, "You did it!" He chimed.

Fenster grumbled and tried to pry the jaws open, "Thanks. Man this is stuck tight."

After succumbing to the knowledge that it wasn't going to loosen any time soon, he dragged himself and the head back to his supply bag and grabbed a small elixir meant to grant strength enough to carry multiple times ones own weight.

~~~~

Fenster dragged the cart, carrying a massive payload, through the draining streets of Dunk. He arrived at the shack from before, the wall had been repaired. The woman rushed out as she did before. She was wearing a tight-fitting dress with a deep slit cut to show her ample bosom, but still hint at modesty. She bounded up to him.

"And hast thou slain the wobyjack?" She cried, hands clasped together and eyes alight with joy. “Come, come inside,” She waved her hand to beckon him inside.

Within the shack, Fenster seated himself once more at the crate, Bingle sat upon the shelf. Upon the crate, Valencia set a small pouch before the deviler.

“Here you go, as promised. Thank you so much for your hard work.” She said.

“And the extra, for the rush job?” He said, smiling.

Valencia leaned forward onto her elbows, the cut in the dress revealing the lack of undergarments. “Perhaps we can make an arrangement?”

Fenster felt his eyes dip, but he knew that women were wily creatures. Full of cunning and breasts. He would not be so easily stoked, though the fire burning in him was most assuredly lust. That or the acid blood from the wobyjack had leaked into his armor at some point. With all his might, Fenster relied on his most formidable weapon, his charm.

“Now now,” He said, wagging a finger and smiling, “Business before pleasure.”

She heaved a sigh and rolled her eyes before walking back to the shelf and grabbing a second pouch. She turned and tossed it to him. Fenster managed to catch it with one hand, looking mighty impressed with himself.

“There,” She said flatly, “We are finished here.”

“Pleasure doing business,” He said, “Now then, how about the business of pleasure?”

She smiled at him. A smile that wasn’t really a smile. More like a raging fire of irritation and barely masked wrath. Valencia said, “You smell like dragon blood and three week old shit.”

“Fair,” Fenster said. He pocketed the pouches and left the shack.

~~~~

“What a CHARMER,” Bingle said, laughing. More bells, you know the drill. “I nearly busted out loud when you tried the ‘business of pleasure’ line. Did you come up with that all on your own?”

“Stuff it,” Fenster said. He checked over his salary with a greedy countenance before cackling to himself. “Perfect, just enough to make the trip.”

Bingle’s smile dropped from his face and was replaced with a look of concern. “No, we’re not going to Trance, are we?”

Fenster sneered, “You bet your pretty fairy wings we are going to Trance! I’m gonna get a hot bath, a hot meal and the best damn sword Vurgle the Forgemaster can whip out!”

Bingle groaned and Fenster laughed and the two of them made their way to Trance, the city of glitter and glamour. 

~End~

By popular demand, three Insecta Geometrica series 1 pins are making a comeback! The praying mantis, bumblebee, and cicada were all so well-loved, folks just kept asking me to restock - so we’re doing it! The mantis and bumblebee designs are the same as the originals, while the cicada has received a few very minor tweaks. All three can be preordered now in the shop! They’re expected in late September to early October and will ship as soon as they arrive.

🐝 Praying Mantis | Bumblebee | Cicada 🦗

These and more original pins, stickers, charms, bandanas, and artwork only at MaryCapaldi.com/shop! Spread the word!! 🐛

It'sa mermaid for mermay! Played with textures and color stuff. Little different but we’ll see where I wanna go with it.

The Wreckers - The First Job

This brain bug series was inspired by my friend Puck and her pokemon Superhero AU (Check out her twitter Puckarooni it’s awesome). This is my Pokemon #thuglife AU using the scrappy “route 1″ pokemon that most players tend to throw away early on. Enjoy.

~~~~

Brief Character explination:

Alolan Joe - Alolan Ratata 

Ben - Spearow 

Zach - Zigzagoon

Sherman - Sentret

~~~~

Zach and Ben stood idly next to a hardware store. Sherman waddled up and was ready to look tough with his crew. They passively welcomed him and returned to their idle stances. Eventually, Sherman sheepishly spoke up, “So, are we gonna do, uh, crimes or something?”

They responded that they are waiting for Joe. As if summoned, Joe appeared, holding armfuls of supplies.

“Listen up, gents.” He said as he set down the stuff, “We got work.”

Ben quirked an eyebrow, “What kind of work?”

Joe put on a smug grin, “See, folks like to have their enemies embarrassed but there ain’t ever anyone who is willing to do the dirty themselves. So, in come The Wreckers.” He gestured at the small group, “We take a little cash from the proper folks, go do some property damage or the like and then disappear. Get cash, commit crimes, it’s perfect.” He twizzled his mouse-stache. The others muttered in a mix of agreement and excitement.

“And” Joe continued, “We got our first gig. Messing up a rich dude’s car. Any suggestions?”

“Bust it up with a bat!” Ben said, swinging his arms.

“Slash the tires?” Says Zach, looking over some loose change he found scattered on the ground.

“Pour milk on the seats!” Said Sherman, chittering at his nefarious plot, “The smell will never go away. I should know, this one time, I had some milk in the car and–” He trailed off as he noticed that no one was listening.

“All good ideas, gents.” Said Joe, he bent over and reached into the bag of supplies he brought out of the store. “But we need to make a smash with this one. Or should I say,” He revealed a canister of kerosene, “A blast!”

The others mused in excitement.

“That’ll send a message.” Said Zach, pocketing the coins.

“Yeah! Don’t mess with the Wreckers!” Ben said, eyes sparkling.

“Whoa, this is gonna be so cool! Good idea, Bossman.” Sherman said.

Joe drank in his praise. “Alright you punks. Let’s move out!”

. . . . .

Under the cover of darkness, they zeroed in on the vehicle in question. A super pretty muscle car. The four of them ogled at the car in their own way. Zach scurried around it, Ben grumbled about rich people having all kinds of money, Sherman prattled about make and model and such, and Alolan Joe pretended to understand everything he was being told.

“Alright, enough of this crap,” Ben said, grabbing the kerosene. “Let’s light this thing up.”

Alolan Joe saluted, “So passes a gallant waste of people’s money. Joker had it coming no doubt.”

Ben soaked the car. Zach whipped out a match stick and handed it to Alolan Joe.

“When I toss this thing, the Wreckers will be in business. It, kinda chokes me up a little.”

An Arcanine in a police uniform appeared behind them. “And what are you punks up to?”

Alolan Joe pocketed the match in a single smooth motion as they all turned around.

“Good evening officer, just out for a stroll.” Said Alolan Joe a little too quickly.

“Yeah, is that against the law now too?” Ben said, accusingly.

“Maybe?” Zach muttered, his restless hands fidgeting.

Sherman stayed quiet as he had been instructed to when the FUZZ shows up.

“Ahuh, just four youths innocently loitering around someone’s car.” He sniffs the air. “Have you been drinking?”

They look at each other.

“What? No of course not.” Said Alolan Joe.

“No, sir.” Said Ben, begrudgingly.

Zack shook his head.

Sherman stayed quiet.

The Arcanine growled. “Okay, I think it’s time to take you kids back to your parents.”

“You’ll never take me in!” Sherman snapped and he turned to dash away.

The Arcanine scoffs and sent out a flare of embers to shock the kid, maybe get him to shape up. Unfortunately, the embers managed to spark the kerosene and the car went up in flames almost instantly.

Everyone jumped away from the blazing vehicle. They turned to look at the officer and he looked back at them. 

“I am going to contact the fire department,” He said in a voice shaking with anger, “You will be gone when they arrive, that is my favor to you. Now do me a favor and never speak of this again.”

Alolan Joe saluted him, “You got it boss.” And rushed off, picking up a stunned Sherman along the way.

Ben put on a smug grin in before booking it. Zach followed, hot on their tails.

...

The next day, Sherman scurried up to Ben and Zach who are loitering by the shop again.

“So,” Sherman said, “No long term repercussions, I assume?”

Ben shrugged and looked over to Zach who is working on a wire puzzle. The fidgety Zigzagoon paused and looked up to the two of them.

“Probably,” He said, looking down at his fidgeting hands. A tense air lowers on the crew.

Alolan Joe sauntered out of the shop with more junk in his arms. “Afternoon gents.” His prideful voice cracked the tension like a hammer. “I am pleased to say that we will not have to worry about that officer blabbing anything. And!” He set down his bags and reached into his pocket to pull out a small envelope. “The Wreckers are now officially in business.”

He opened it up and fetched a bill for each of them.

Ben looked at the bill and scoffed, “This is barely allowance money. We nearly get the slammer and we can’t even afford a lemonade!”

“All things in time, Ben.” Said Alolan Joe. “This is just the beginning.”

Sherman looked at the bill and smiled, “My first strip of–” He snickered, “dirty money.” He chittered and stuffed it into his pocket. He looked to Zach, who had pocketed his loot.

“Crime is pretty fun.” Sherman said.

“There’s nothin better.” Zach said.

For those who like silly artists who also love martial arts. Give this one a looksee.

Oh!

Hey budoka and fitness buddies! I’ve had several people in the community approach me about martial arts & fitness related drawings- it’s super fun for me to work on things like that, as it basically combines two of the things I love most in life! When i can I like to draw stuff on the fly and for free- but time is pretty short these days and so, incidentally, is money! I am opening several slots for commissions of that variety this week. Wanna see yourself as a badass anime character? Or maybe you just want one of your favourite characters giving you a little bit of motivation? I’m your Pants!

Interested? Cool, have a sample/price list: sketches/simple lineart-10$:

Chibi, flat colours with basic shading- 15$:

One shot/short comics. B&W- 25$:

single waist up, full colour- 25$ :

full shot, full colour- 30$ and up :

You’ll get a 300dpi version of the image and big sloppy thank you from yours truly ;D WHY PANTS WHY ARE YOU DOIN THIS???

I am heading out to a comic convention in the month of May. Trips like this are an out of pocket expense for me. As it would happen, I’ve also got a handful of karate clinics I need to attend as well.  Needless to say, it’s gonna be a “tight on the budget” kinda month!  I am hoping to acquire some of the necessary funding in this way. If you’re interested send me a message, and I will provide you with art to make you smile and get you amped up to work out!! Thanks for stopping by and, as usual, Happy Training!

did anybody else have a moment as a kid/teen where you suddenly realized that you were more than likely never going to have one of those big adventures that you read abt in YA novels. and u were going to just have a normal life with normal problems, and got real sad. and even tho u now see value in a regular life, part of you still wants magic powers and a rag tag group of ride-or-die friends who are out to save the world

RWBY Huntsman/Huntress Workout | Tough Like The Toonz: EP 22

Some people start the year off with a bang…But I’m starting 2017 off with a YANG HIYOOO 😂 

But with RWBY Volume 4 becoming Super Intense and since I just marathoned RWBY CHIBI I thought it was about time I did this RWBY workout to make yall into strong Hunters/Huntresses 

just like our badass teens! Todays workout will be circuit based and something you can do when you want a quick effective exercise when you’re short on time! So LETS GET TO IT!! 

REBLOGS GREATLY APPRECIATED

You can also follow me on Facebook |  Patreon  |  Twitter | Youtube  | Tumblr

Bow in reverance to the glowy crystal phallus!

It’s a celebration of LOVE!!

Something possessed me into making this cake so I enlisted the help of @cold-brew-colors since I can’t bake for shit. I drew most of the chocolate Zonda though. It was made in celebration of the release of Gunvolt 2!

The adorable little figure is the wonderful handiwork of @bupiti! She’s even more cute in-person!! Thanks again for her!

Reblog if you…

Liked something you wrote today.

Enjoyed writing whatever you wrote today.

Are eager to write the thing you’re supposed to write today.

Are proud to be a writer.

Abled Person: Hey man, can you hold this wad of $2,000 and this one penny for me while I open my wallet?

Disabled Person: YOU COMPLETE AND UTTER FOOL!

The United States Government:

(Watch how many people don’t get this.)