"She Is Neither Pink Nor Pale, And She Never Will Be All Mine; She Learned Her Hands In A Fairy-tale,

Trying to take back myself

Well, I haven't been looking on Tumblr for months now much less posted anything. A short while after my last post (back in October 2010) I was unexpectedly released by my Master. It was a complete blindside for me. When I had talked to him on Friday things were fine. Monday morning he released me.

I do understand his reasons and they had nothing to do with *me* but with his immediate family situation. Yes, I did know what had been going on with it but he didn't give me any idea that he was going to so abruptly make this decision. So no real warning at all for it for me. And it was while I was at work. By YahooIM. 

It's been THIS long (now the beginning of March 2011) for me to really realize just how badly hurt I was and the extent of the affect it has had on me. And the affect it is having on my other relationships. 

It completely shattered my self confidence and ability to trust or be secure in a relationship. I've been a neurotic mess for months. I'm lucky enough to have a wonderful husband who has been trying to help me as well as a Dom I was allowed to still play with by my ex-Master who was also a good friend, and has become one of my best friends by this time. They both didn't let me curl up in my bed and completely draw away from everything to do with the lifestyle. I love them both beyond words for everything they've done for me and all their patience with me through the past months.

Now, I'm *finally* in a place with myself that I am starting what is I'm sure will be a long road to rebuild myself and my confidence in myself so that I can be happy again and a less neurotic train wreck. (hey, I'm not perfect! I'm sure I'll still have my bad days.) It's a daunting thing to consider how much work I think I'll be needing to do to get my confidence back, but it will be worth it. For me and for them. We will all be happier. I have absolutely no doubt about that. 

So, as part of remaking myself I am going to be taking my Tumblr back for myself as well. I had set it up for myself and it turned into something I did for the ex. I'm sure I'll end up posting things having to do with what I want done to me by my friend who is also now my Dominant as well. 

I've gone back and forth over removing my past posts having directly to do with the ex. But (at least for now) have decided not to. They were part of my life at that time so while I might not want to think about it right now, they are a good reminder of the things I am capable of. At least, what I'm capable of when I'm a whole person and not the badly damaged mess I still am right now.

I will get back to the person I was then and be the better for it as well since I am now going to have a better understanding of myself through having to identify and rebuild the damaged parts of myself. I will have a better foundation for my sense of self and confidence. 

So while this sucks sweaty dirty donkey balls right now and I'm sure will for some time, I want myself back. I used to generally *like* myself. I don't right now. I don't like the person I've become. So I will fix it. The process will probably be quite unpleasant at times, but I want to like myself again and be happy with who I am. 

And I will.

'Sherlock' Season 3 "Sherlock" Season 3 -- Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock Holmes and Martin Freeman as John Watson in the "Sherlock" Season 3 episode, "The Empty Hearse."

Mmmm... Benedict Cumberbatch is sooo completely do-able...

Can't wait to see more of Holmes & Watson in January!

Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The eeb that deebs, the blorb that plinks!

’Twas Tumblr, and the slithy memes Did bode and call out on the dash: Fucken WIMDY were the shitpost streams, And of things was the trash.

“Beware the Jabberwock, my son! The eeb that deebs, the blorb that plinks! Beware of Shittos Glup, and shun Bendlebick Cumperdincks!”

He took his discourse sword in hand; Long time the chungus foe he sought— So rested he in the ball pit (free!) And sat awhile in thought.

And, as in uffish (derogatory) thought he sat, The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame, Came GIFfling through the old group chat, And hurgled as it came!

UWU! UWU! And through and through The discourse blade went "Um, actually, the Jabberwock is coded as friendly because 'eyes of flame' means red and orange, and those are warm and inviting colors according to 'color theory', which I guess you haven't heard of and don't understand." He left it dead, and with its head He man car door hook hand.

“And hast thou slain the Jabberwock? Come to my arms, my beamish boi! O #frabjousday! Sounds fake but okay!” He reblogged in his joy.

’Twas Tumblr, and the slithy memes Did bode and call out on the dash: Fucken WIMDY were the shitpost streams, And all of us were trash.

when god closes a door you reach your little paws under it and go mrrwwaaaooow mmreeaaow

100 posts!

This is why I love these people.

Sebastian Stan as Bucky Barnes aka The Winter Soldier

Exclusive Outtake from Captain America: The Winter Soldier

I no longer have Twitter to post these on so I'll be asking my friend who owns https://sebastian-stan.com (https://x.com/sebastiansfan) to post them for me.

I told Miyazaki I love the “gratuitous motion” in his films; instead of every movement being dictated by the story, sometimes people will just sit for a moment, or they will sigh, or look in a running stream, or do something extra, not to advance the story but only to give the sense of time and place and who they are.

“We have a word for that in Japanese,” he said. “It’s called ma. Emptiness. It’s there intentionally.”

Is that like the “pillow words” that separate phrases in Japanese poetry?

“I don’t think it’s like the pillow word.” He clapped his hands three or four times. “The time in between my clapping is ma. If you just have non-stop action with no breathing space at all, it’s just busyness, But if you take a moment, then the tension building in the film can grow into a wider dimension. If you just have constant tension at 80 degrees all the time you just get numb.”

Which helps explain why Miyazaki’s films are more absorbing and involving than the frantic cheerful action in a lot of American animation. I asked him to explain that a little more.

“The people who make the movies are scared of silence, so they want to paper and plaster it over,” he said. “They’re worried that the audience will get bored. They might go up and get some popcorn.

But just because it’s 80 percent intense all the time doesn’t mean the kids are going to bless you with their concentration. What really matters is the underlying emotions–that you never let go of those.

— Roger Ebert in conversation with Hiyao Miyazaki