A Hall Pass

…just give her time…<3 emmie @ le cocu quotidien.

…oh, my…{blushing}…<3 emmie @ le cocu quotidien.

A hall pass

I can’t remember now when I admitted to my then-girlfriend that I was interested in her cuckolding me.  The desire preceded the relationship, and it has stayed with me in the years since that relationship ended.

She knew, though, before she left for a college reunion the last fall we were together.  As I remember it now, I feel like she must have noticed a spark when she mentioned looking forward to seeing all of her old friends.  The college was a plane trip away from where we lived, and this reunion was her five-year, so most of her friends were still unattached and living interesting lives in the big city she had left.  She missed them; she would find a way to go up for the weekend and see everyone she could, staying in her friend’s empty apartment.

One of those friends, Luke (for our story, but his real name will never leave my mind), had not attended the school, but came to know that my girlfriend would be traveling to the city for the weekend.  I’m sure I had heard about Luke beforehand, but always in the context of some other guy friends of hers.  Maybe they were buddies from her post-college job or the bar they all went to.

One night, a couple of weeks before the trip, my girlfriend called over from the other room and told me to “make an angry face” while she pointed her phone in my direction.  The picture was for Luke, she said, who had teasingly suggested she bring along some lingerie for the reunion weekend.  As I recall, I didn’t have the faintest idea that their text conversation might have taken that turn, and I’m sure the blood ran from my face and just as sure where it went.

My girlfriend thought it was funny, and I convinced myself that it was just an improbable joke, almost certainly not having to do with my fantasy.  But I didn’t want to let the opportunity pass to explore it either.

That night I asked her in bed whether she might break away from the college group and get to see Luke and her buddies.  She touched me while she asked if that was something I wanted.  I touched her as I asked her to describe Luke to me.  He is extremely well-built, funny, just never single at the right time, one of the ones who got away.

Before I came, I was desperate to outline the breadth of my fantasy again, reminding her that she had every right to see whomever—and do whatever—she liked, at home or while on a trip, far away from everyone we knew.

---

She left for the reunion.  Luke had been called away on business for the weekend she was going, so our bedroom talk had softened.  The realization, though, that she would consider an affair, engaging me in the fantasy with a particular name—a particular person—had electrified our relationship and dominated my thoughts.

She went to the cocktail parties and the football game, sending back social media pictures of her group of friends in their team’s colors at each of the different events.  Sunday morning, she went out with her girlfriends to brunch.  Between pitchers of mimosas, she called me and put me on the phone with her old friends, who interviewed me.  Even after a couple of years of dating, I had never met them, so I got questions about my intentions with my girlfriend and plans for when we might fly to see this friend or that friend.

Eventually my girlfriend took the phone back and walked away from their table.  She asked me almost immediately, “Were you serious about the hall pass?  Luke is coming back a day early.”

I was stunned.  I managed to say yes and offer her encouragement without, I think, making myself sound desperate that she go through with it.  I also don’t remember ever using the phrase “hall pass.”  She had spent time with the thought, rationalizing it.

She called later that afternoon to say that she had made plans to see Luke and her other buddies, and that she had made Luke aware of the fact that she was staying at her friend’s empty apartment, all alone.

The next time I heard from her was the following morning.  She texted to let me know she made it to the airport, that she had had fun the night before and that she had a story for me when she got home.

---

I still don’t know if Luke was aware of my fantasy or not.  My girlfriend always found ways of skirting the point, keeping private some element of her interactions with him.

I do know that by the time he arrived at the apartment, after he had been out with her and their buddies to the bar, meeting her at the door where she greeted him in a sweatshirt and sheer panties, he had explained that he had a girlfriend.  As they kissed and she began to remove his clothes, pulling him to the couch, he explained that he would have to draw a line—somewhere—short of sex.

When my girlfriend told me my story, that Monday night, I am convinced that she told it in episodes.  Each one slightly more damning than the previous, in case I lost my permissive resolve.  I held up, so the details continued to grow more vivid.

She always denied having sex with him, but what began as making out on the couch eventually moved to the bedroom.  First with clothes, and then without them.  She touched me as she asked, “Are you happy that I touched him like this?  He was very happy.”  My girlfriend described Luke’s toned body, naked beside her, and the sweetness of his kisses.

They played with each other all night, not falling asleep until five in the morning.  Before he went to work, they shared a lingering kiss at the door.  He left his wallet and had to come back a half hour later.  She told me, “the last kiss was my favorite part of the whole trip.”

---

She seemed to feel different to my touch that night, although I’m sure in my mind I wanted her to.  I am guilty of looking at her email once to search for Luke’s name, finding a conversation they had about a “shower party” (her quotes) a few days after she came home.  She did love to make love in the shower.

My girlfriend would ask me occasionally what I wanted to do about the experience.  I imagined with her, for her, a weekend where my apartment would be empty so that Luke might come to our town, perhaps on business.  I could be gone whenever she liked, I said.

She wondered if I might want to participate, suspecting that I would want to enjoy Luke alongside her.  She never articulated that specifically, but I could tell she always wondered what else could possibly motivate such a fantasy.

Really, though, her night with Luke helped me to see it more clearly than ever.  I wanted only for her to feel in control, untethered from me and not especially concerned either.  I wanted her to have sex or not have it, with a man or with a woman, to tell her friends or Luke or not to tell them.  It didn’t matter to me what came of her decisions, only that she was making them.

I was happy to wait at home to find out my fate; to learn from the person in control just what had happened to her and to us and to me.  I begged to know.

The bedroom door opens and she pads out.

Okay, she says. You can open them now.

She's modeling her new gym set for me. It's shiny and skintight, showcasing the months of hard work she's been putting in.

Ostensibly this is all for my benefit but I've started having suspicions about her motivation.

Wow, you look amazing, I say. I tell myself to keep quiet, to let whatever's going on find its own way out, in its own time, but the words are spoken before I can stop them.

Why the new outfit? I hear myself say.

I hate how my voice sounds but there's no getting around the fact that I'm jealous.

She looks at me quizzically, opening her mouth to speak, then closing it again without doing so. I brace. Too late now. She tilts her head and gazes up at the ceiling for a moment, before turning back to me, nodding. She takes a deep breath, exhales.

The instructor in the class is very handsome and tall and knowing that he's watching me makes working out enjoyable, she says.

I wait for more but realize quickly that that was the totality of her response.

My heart is fluttering. I'm at my own inflection point.

I love her.

I want her to be happy.

I don't want to be this person.

I want to be the person for whom this is, somehow, a good thing.

I adopt his face, summon his words from within and speak in his voice.

Thank you for telling me, I say. He's very lucky to have you in his class.

She smiles.

There's further to go, more to say.

Go.

Say it.

Be that person.

I think you should ask him if he offers private lessons, I say. Her eyes widen.

Further.

And I think, if he does, that I should pay for them.

Her eyebrows shoot up and a broad grin breaks out across her face.

Deal, she says.

Fantasy Week

Last week, I got a great idea from a follower. They basically said that while it may be difficult for my boyfriend to confide all his thoughts and fantasies about sharing me when we talk face to face, he might be more willing to divulge that information if I talked with / flirted about it with him over text. He idea is twofold, first that it is “safer” for him in that he doesn’t have to see me face to face in case one of his fantasies might be “weird” and he could always say later that it was just in the heat of the moment or something. Secondly- once I learn of his fantasies, I will better understand how he wants to share me, and where his boundaries are. Once I know that, I can use that information to my advantage. Either by teasing him using those fantasies, exploring them with him, or perhaps introducing crazier stuff, just to see his reaction.

So, I told my boyfriend that this week, while I was at work, I wanted him to text me one fantasy per day, and that we would talk about it each night when I got home. He was nervous at first. He wasn’t sure that he wanted to do that, but a little bit of sitting on his lap and some soft petting seemed to do the trick to convince him that it would all be in good fun.

I was anxious to see what he said. All morning on Monday I kept looking at my phone for his texts. I didn’t tell him a timeframe, although I probably should have, so I had no idea when he would write me. I didn’t have any message until about two in the afternoon. When I finally got it, I was really eager to see what he had come up with.

In the interest of time, I will just list his fantasies by day, and then talk about each.

Monday: “I want to see you dress up really sexy and flirtatious when we go out with friends” I asked him more about this when I got off of work that evening. From his text, I couldn’t tell if he meant that he wanted me to do this once, or all the time. He said that the more I do it the better. I asked what he had in mind - I told him that if I wore a halter top and fuck me heels out to dinner with friends, that would not only be inappropriate for the occasion, but would probably lead to both of us getting some pretty strange looks. I told him that I was totally willing to look “hot” though, but I told him it would be at my discretion as to what degree. Maybe this means tighter dresses, shorter skirts and heels on occasion. If it means a bigger wardrobe for me, and it is a fantasy of his to see me look hotter and more available, I’m all for it. Easy one.

Tuesday: “I want to hear you having sex with someone else” This one sort of surprised me a little. I would have thought he would have said that he wanted to see me first, but he said hear. What does that mean? It took me a while to figure out how I wanted to approach that one. A while ago, one of my followers had actually suggested that I use a phone to call him while I was with Brandon. That would accomplish the “hearing me” fantasy for him, but it could be a little awkward to try to subtly call my bf without Brandon knowing what I was doing. I’m still thinking about how I can help him get this fantasy played out. Feel free to help with ideas guys… How can I let my bf hear me without it being awkward for the guy I’m with?

Wednesday: “I want you to sleep with somebody that is married” I’m pretty sure this stems from a conversation that he and I had a while back about this one guy I work with. He is gorgeous, and I would totally love to get him in bed, but, as I mentioned before, he is married and has a kid. I’m not sure I want to risk both the work situation and the homewrecker potential for this. So, will this fantasy happen… Maybe, I don’t know. But probably not with the guy that originally inspired it. If I happened to find myself in a situation that allowed for this in the future, then at least I know that my boyfriend is open to the idea. However, what I thought about this fantasy of his was that it was more revealing of what he is willing to let me to do and become. He loves the idea that his sweet little innocent girlfriend could be “the other woman” that tempted a married guy to stray. That is pretty devilish of him.

Thursday: “I’d love it if you would have a one night stand” We have sort of had this conversation before. Basically, when I asked him about this, he told me he wanted me to have a one night stand with somebody I had absolutely no interest in outside of that one night. He said that he wanted me to hook up with somebody that was completely not my type at all… A slacker stoner guy, some athletic hardbody with no real smarts at all; he even mentioned that he thought it would be very hot if I hooked up with a thug, tattooed, prison-like guy for one night. That one actually kind of shocked me. Usually, he is pretty reserved in his preferences for guys he is willing to share me with. That idea is not reserved or cautious at all. It’s scary, and dangerous, and uncontrollable. And those are all my thoughts, not his. I’m not sure how I feel about the criminal idea, but the thought of a one night stand might be worth exploring further, even if it is just used to tease out more fantasies of guys he wants me to try out.

Friday: “It would be hot if you spent all day on your birthday with Brandon” Boom. There it is. I knew there was something he was saving for Friday. I was actually pretty pleased with this little fantasy of his. It played right into the little suggestion I made for my birthday present earlier, so I knew that he had been thinking about what I had said. I took the whole day off for my birthday next week in advance, and I was planning on spending it with my bf, but he totally changed those plans with that text Friday afternoon. I couldn’t wait until I got off work to text him back after he sent me that, so I answered right away. “Does that mean you got me the present I asked for?” He didn’t answer, but when I got home, he gave it to me.

So cute. I thought it was perfect. He said he thought it was the hottest thing he could imagine me wearing. He got me a black lace cami with purple accent bows and drawstring in the back, black stockings and a matching black and purple thong. It’s actually very sexy. He probably spent close to $100 on me. He said that he bought it online, so he wasn’t sure if it would fit right or not, so I told him I would find out. I took the bag into the bedroom, stripped down, and put everything on. He did pretty well. It didn’t fit perfect, it was actually slightly too small, but I’m ok with him thinking I’m a little bit smaller size than I am. It wasn’t too small that I couldn’t get into it. Once I did, I couldn’t resist taking a picture of myself. I’m not sure why I did. Maybe to remind myself of my own situation, maybe to show my bf in the future… I’m not sure. I just felt sexy as hell, and I felt like it, so I did it. I took off the lingerie, and got dressed again before leaving the bedroom, and my boyfriend was pacing around the living room waiting for me to come out. He asked how it fit, and I just answered “wouldn’t you like to know”. Hot.

I told him to sit down while I texted Brandon, because I was about to make that fantasy of his come true. he did, and asked me what I was writing, so I told him the whole conversation as we texted back and forth.

Me: “hey, just wondering, what are you doing Monday?”

Brandon: “why, you want to come over after work again?”

Me: “I was thinking something different this time”

Brandon: “like what?”

Me: “it’s my birthday”

Brandon: “and you aren’t going out with [bf]?”

Me: “maybe later in the evening, but he’s working during he day, and I have the whole day off. Can you come over early?”

Brandon: “I’m supposed to work too”

Me: “is that a no then?”

Brandon: “is that what you want for your birthday?”

Me: “yes”

Brandon: “say it”

Me: “I want you to come over and fuck me all day long for my birthday, B”. (That was hot, I didn’t know why I called him B… I never have before, but I liked it)

Brandon: “I’ll get off”

And that’s that. I have a birthday date. A full day, doing whatever I want. Not only with my boyfriends approval, but fulfilling a fantasy of his at the same time.

Yeah, I could get used to this.