I’ve Died So Many Deaths Just In This One Life The Pause Between The Beats Long Enough, To Make Me

turns out mixing narcissism with deep rooted insecurity was a spell for disaster.

So much spilt blood on these lands, isn’t it hard to believe such sweet scarlet flowers grown on those same places? Every time you weave those ruby-red flowers into my hair, do those lovers who never got such bliss sigh? Separated by time but brought together again when our hands entwine, do you still believe that everything we have isn’t the exact same shade of scarlet?

and even though the stains from the bright and artificial ice-creams we had are long gone from my clothes and my tongue, I still try to remember what it tasted like, how it was like between us back then when there was still so much to discover. yesterday, I bought the same popsicles we had, as if I could truly ever go back, and I swear something I have known, has never tasted so alien.

Yes, your heart stopped at 5:05 am. You still have so much time left across the world. Frida kahlo painted flowers so that they would not die, my darling muse, how can I ever accept that you're gone?

I don’t know, maybe it’s the way you said you’d run away with me if I wanted to, that you would hold my hand and I would lift my skirts and we’d escape this constant, vicious cycle. A blaze of hemorrhaging problems blooming like flowers in our trail, the vines did eventually engulf our little bubble of ignorance. So here I am, placing an eyelash on your pinkie, oh and if we could wish the world away. I don’t know quite a lot of things, I don’t know whether I should've ran, whether I should've dared to wish of you, should’ve should’ve should’ve done so much more or pulled back after fixing your hair. Is it bad, that sometimes I wish the thorns popped our little bubble earlier? Is it better you leave than asking if you would stay?

so twirl me in the rain, and we'll ignore the words of warning the splattered raindrops spell out on the pavement, tie my hair with pink apologies and I'll refuse to believe the infinity of falling and distance the bows shape, maybe the roads we walked overtime really trace out a big, white X, drawing closer and closer together until the discoveries tear us apart. Do you think the stars we stare at are just a scene cut in our little cube, or maybe the writer meant to warn us of the internal collapse, the bright nebula before the fade? is the tragedy in knowing you my love, will fall or is it in knowing I allowed you to get too close? how trivial it is to be bound by the distance we cannot see, but maybe it's just as foolish of me to put such faith in these forming irregularities.

As I flick through my camera roll, isn't it strange how everything is out of focus but you? How the blood you spilt seems brighter than the blood I shed?

blood dripping from your lips like sweet poison, hands shaking (who's hands are steady after a crime?). I kiss away every drop, each a seed of a pomegranate against my lips. I consume your sin, as if it were mine. my hands steady yours, and I help you hide. after all, what are we, if not partners in crime?

i bite back a smile when you point out that the eye looks weird. i like your shading you say, but the colors could've been darker. a fish in water for the first time, i breathe in the relief. i'm so sick of it, i wish i could tell you, i'm so sick of the mindless hearts and soulless compliments. you're so brilliants echo and bounce around this shell of a frame that was once gifted. there's nothing left yet the red shiny wrapper's still on. not for you maybe, is it too soon to know? call me out, call me out, tell me when i'm being an asshole and i'd smile harder honestly. you offer a repose to this empty gallery.

we are but a gentle sin, while you hold the gun against my mouth, while we play dolls in our sandhouse, does the burn remind you of me? sickly red hazes overcoming your greatest tragedies, I'd let you blow my brains out, but I'd also burn your skin right off yes we talk till dawn cracks over the kitchen counter, but it would remind you of a puppeteer and me of skinner's theories.