After The Bridge: The Full Story (Jem/Tessa)

drop the teabags

so i made another one bc these are hella fun to write

Remus Lupin to it is perfectly normal to cry in wonder woman: can we establish the ground rules for tonight

Sirius Black: rules schmules

Remus Lupin: do you want your arse to be front page news again?

Sirius Black: those readers were blessed

James Potter: I have it framed

Sirius Black: aww babe

Peter Pettigrew to can you die from too much Nutella?: where are you guys???

James Potter: sry SOMEONE was being dramatic

Sirius Black: it’s not my fault the hairdryer broke

Sirius Black: I couldn’t leave with DAMP hair

Peter Pettigrew: hurry the fuck up

James Potter: pete its fine

Peter Pettigrew: its raining and ive been waiting twenty mins

Peter Pettigrew: it is noT FINE

Rita Skeeter (@ritaskeeter) tweeted: ‘The Maruaders’ frontman James Potter flirts up a storm with old friend Marlene McKinnon at Oscars, are they dating?

Sirius Black (@siriuslyblack) tweeted: @jampots how could you do this to me?

James Potter (@jampots) tweeted: @siriuslyblack you weren’t supposed to find out this way

Marlene McKinnon (@marlsmckinnon) tweeted: @jamspotter you can’t afford me

James Potter (@jampots) tweeted: @marlmckinnon rude tbh

James Potter to Remus Lupin: are ppl acc believing this crap

Remus Lupin: you didn’t exactly help the situation

James Potter: what if evans sees it?

Remus Lupin: I thought you were over it

James Potter: ….

James Potter: i am

James Potter: one hundred percent

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: he’s not over it

Sirius Black: well obviously

Sirius Black: he’s been playing her album on repeat for the last three weeks

Remus Lupin: are you still stealing his spotify?

Sirius Black: im not made of money

Remus Lupin: you have a Porsche….

Sirius Black: details details

James Potter to SUIT UP: who’s doing the speech if we win the grammy?

Peter Pettigrew: I thought you were

Remus Lupin: you said you’d written it

James Potter: where’s the evidence

Remus Lupin sent a screenshot

James Potter: well shit

Rita Skeeter (@ritaskeeter) tweeted: Lily Evans throws drink over James Potter at Grammy’s, is it over his relationship with Marlene McKinnon?

Marlene McKinnon (@marlsmckinnon) tweeted: for gods sake I am NOT dating james

James Potter (@jampots) tweeted: @marlsmckinnon I’m hurt

Marlene McKinnon (@marlsmckinnon) tweeted: you know I love you rlly @jampots

Remus Lupin (@rjlupin) tweeted: @marlsmckinnon @jampots this is exactly what I was talking about

Peter Pettigrew to Sirius Black: why did she throw her drink at him?

Sirius Black: he apologised for being rude to snivilus

Peter Pettigrew: how does that make sense??

Sirius Black: but then he said it wasn’t his fault she was friends with a racist twat

Peter Pettigrew: oh

James Potter to Marlene McKinnon: did you talk to her?

Marlene McKinnon: mate you need to drop it

James Potter: I’m an idiot

Marlene Mackinnon: yes, yes you are

James Potter to Lily Evans: I’m an idiot

James Potter: and I’m sorry

Lily Evans: you can’t keep apologising and then not changing

James Potter: what do you want me to do evans?

Lily Evans: move on potter

James Potter changed the chat name to lets get drunk pls

Peter Pettigrew: u okay?

James Potter: not rly

Sirius Black: we’re on our way

The Daily Prophet (@TheDailyProphet) tweeted: James Potter photographed kissing mystery girl in back of club

Lily Evans sent a photo to Marlene McKinnon

Lily Evans: is that who I think it is

Marlene McKinnon: you’re not seriously jealous

Lily Evans: ofc not

Lily Evans: its just a bit of a surprise

Marlene McKinnon: you told him to move on lil

Lily Evans: I didn’t mean with dorcas

Rita Skeeter (@ritaskeeter) tweeted: James Potter’s mystery girl is Dorcas Meadowes, close friend of Lily Evans and Marlene McKinnon, all 3 attended school with The Maruaders.

Sirius Black to no the next album will not be called sirius and the others: someone buy teabags

James Potter: there are spares under my bed

Sirius Black: about that

James Potter: you fucker

Peter Pettigrew: did you try moonys stash in his wardrobe

Remus Lupin to Sirius Black: you stay away from those teabags

Sirius Black: too late

Remus Lupin: I’m telling mrs potter

Sirius Black: you wouldn’t

Remus Lupin: too late

Dorcas Meadowes to Lily Evans: u know me and james were just messing right

Lily Evans: why does everyone think I’m bothered

Dorcas Meadowes: bc u r

Lily Evans: I’m not

Dorcas Meadowes: so our snap streak ending was an accident then?

Dorcas Meadowes: 308 days !!

Dorcas Meadowes: gone !

Lily Evans: I might be slightly bothered

The Daily Prophet (@TheDailyProphet) tweeted: ‘The Marauders’ raise £2 million for charity with their new single

Lily Evans to James Potter: it’s incredible how much you guys have raised

Lily Evans: you should be really proud james

James Potter to Remus Lupin: she called me james

Remus Lupin: who?

James Potter: evans

Remus Lupin: oh

Remus Lupin: OH

James Potter to Lily Evans: thanks lily, it means a lot

Lily Evans: so… you and Dorcas?

James Potter: we’re just mates, it was a bit of fun

James Potter: we both know there’s only one girl I’m interested in

Peter Pettigrew to graham norton for prime minister: controversial idea

Sirius Black: go

Peter Pettigrew: Portugal shouldn’t have won Eurovision

Sirius Black removed Peter Pettigrew from the group

Lily Evans to James Potter: i have a question

James Potter: oooOOOooo ominous

Lily Evans: are you ever not dramatic

James potter: we literally went to stage school

Lily Evans: im just going to ask my question

Lily Evans: why is your twitter handle jampots??

James Potter: why not

James Potter: it’s iconic

Lily Evans: why do I like such a lame person?

James Potter: so you DO like me

James Potter: !!!

James potter: also who even uses lame anymore???

Lily Evans @lilevans tweeted: quick twitter poll; who thinks the word lame is lame

Sirius Black @siriuslyblack tweeted: @lilevans the REAL question is who uses semicolons in tweets ???

Remus Lupin @rjlupin tweeted: @siriuslyblack it’s like you’re allergic to good grammar.

James Potter @jampots tweeted: you’re not helping your case here evans

Lily Evans @lilevans tweeted: @jampots I’ve seen your match attacks collection sit down

Peter Pettigrew @realpete tweeted: @jampots @lilevans ouch burn

James Potter @jampots tweeted: @realpete traitor

Sirius Black to James Potter: I just read this article

James Potter: oh yeah?

Sirius Black: so we’re dating

Sirius Black: and we have a kitten called Beatrix

James Potter: what??

James Potter: it would obvs be called cassiepoiea

Sirius Black: omds cassie for short

Sirius Black: the blacks hv flaws but our names are fabulous

James Potter sent a photo to I miss Minnie telling us what disappointments we are

James Potter: me and sirius bought a kitten !!

Sirius Black: shes so cute !!!

Remus Lupin: we’re not allowed pets in the building….?

Peter Pettigrew: and I’m allergic to cats

James Potter: honestly you two are so selfish

James Potter: we can’t take her back

James Potter: are you seriously going to break her little kitten heart

Sirius Black: we already made her an instagram and everything

Sirius Black to Remus Lupin: ???? hv u seen my jacket

Remus Lupin: would it kill you to use grammar properly for once

Sirius Black: nvm acc i found it

Sirius Black: also rude

Remus Lupin to bring back remus being a werewolf conspiracy theory 2k17: we going out tonight?

Sirius Black: yassss

James Potter: can’t, going for a drink w evans

Sirius Black: oooooOOOOOO

Peter Pettigrew: is that what the kids call it these days

James Potter: seriously?

James Potter: don’t answer that sirius

Sirius Black (@siriuslyblack) tweeted: this is a psa that james puts sisters before misters

James Potter (@jampots) tweeted: @siriuslyblack chill

Peter Pettigrew to 3 decent ppl + jim the traitor: james has a hickey pass it on

Sirius Black: whAT

James Potter: wtf bro

James Potter: how do you even know that

Peter Pettigrew: I came in to bring you tea

James Potter: oh yh

James Potter: thanks for that btw

Sirius Black: we’RE GETTING OFF TOPIC

Sirius Black to Euphemia Potter: james got a hickey from lily

Euphemia Potter: Lily Evans?

Sirius Black: that’s the one

Euphemia Potter: I always thought she was lovely

Euphemia Potter:  Now what’s all this I hear about you stealing remus’s teabags?

Kissing Styles...

James Potter: Very… very eager, but trying really… really hard to restrain himself. Knows how to do fun things with his tongue… has had a lot of practice. All in all… he’s what people like to describe as “fun”… 8/10 

Sirius Black: Knows how to adapt. Can pretty much match anyone’s kissing style, but likes deep, intense kissing the most… Also likes biting and hickeys. As talented as he is pretty. Down for basically anything… An enjoyable experience all the way around. 11/10

Remus Lupin: Nervous. Starts off slow… then kisses like it’s the last time he’ll ever kiss someone because he always feels like it’s the last time anyone will ever want to kiss him… 6/10 when he’s nervous… 9/10 when he relaxes and let’s go. 

Peter Pettigrew: Sweats a lot… too much tongue… 4/10  

Lily Evans: Expert kisser, knows her shit… at least as far as technicalities go… but lacks spontaneity. Get’s flustered when she doesn’t see something coming like James’ tongue tricks… also gets distracted easily (”SHIT! That’s due tomorrow!”)… Overall, needs some work. 6.5/10

Frank Longbottom: Handles you like you’re made of glass… very gentle… very sweet… enjoys kissing the spot just beneath your ear. Hates biting because he’s worried he’ll hurt you. Often stops to stare or chat. Worships the ground you walk on… 8/10 for kissing… 20/10 for making you feel like a goddess. 

Alice Longbottom: Kinky as fuck. 9/10

Dorcas Meadowes: Kinkier than fuck. Kisses like she owns your ass. Also hella gay. 10/10

Marlene McKinnon: Also also hella gay… less kinky. Uses a lot of tongue… but does it right. 9/10 

Mary Macdonald: Mary sue to the max… every kiss is like a reenactment of “The Notebook”. Disney-esque. 7/10

Regulus Black: Untrusting. Tends to panic if things go too quick… or too slow… or not exactly how he planned it. Perfectionist… and a bit of a control freak… doesn’t really know how to adapt to other kissing styles. 4.5/10

Narcissa Malfoy: Reserved… until between the sheets, then she will eat you alive. Mother fucking queen. Savage. Always tops. 10/10

Lucius Malfoy: Fun to look at… Terrible kisser. -5 stars. Two thumbs way down… would not recommend…. 0/10……………. alright… 2/10 for being pretty… Also… submissive af.  

Bellatrix Lestrange: Will rip your goddam lip off. 0/10…. unless you’re into that.

Fenrir Greyback: Will rip your goddam head off. -54/10

Severus Snape: Ew. 

Walburga: Sirius, Get this piece of trash out of the dining room!

Sirius: (to Bellatrix)

You heard her, move it

“It took me 30 years, but I finally cracked the Eligius Three mission file. Turns out it wasn’t a mining mission. After sucking the Earth dry of oil, they went looking for another planet to tap. I set the coordinates a week ago. If I’m right, you should get there in… 75 years. I’m tempted to put myself in cryo to see it, but without Harper… Anyway, it’s in the Goldilocks zone of a binary star system. But that’s all I know. Eligius Three never radioed back or, if they did, it was after apocalypse one, so, no one heard it. Can you see it? Is it beautiful? It is in my dreams. I hope we do better there. I hope Jasper was wrong and we aren’t the problem. I hope your lives there will be as happy as mine has been. Be the good guys. May we meet again.” - End Book one.

When you discover that these two:

Were married in Love Actually

May We Meet Again

In peace, may you leave this shore.

In love, may you find the next.

Safe passage on your travels.

Until our final journey to the ground.

May we meet again

Next Generation Headcanons

- Scorpius was Lilys very first crush, she gave him up after figuring out that he’s into Albus

- Lily is super empathic but also very manipulative. She can get everyone to do whatever she wants. Most of the time they don’t even notice.

- Lily’s Gryffindor. No one understands it, they suspect that she somehow managed to trick the hat into putting her to Gryffindor

- Lily and James have a bet about who Scorpius will date. Lily says Albus and James thinks it’ll be Rose

- There’s actually a lot betting going on in the Weasley/Potter family. They literally bet about everything. “Which team will win Quidditch game?” “When will Teddy and Victoire finally get together?” “Who gets the next detention?”

- The loser punishment is always the same. They have to be the winners servant for a whole day. Any day.

- They love to win against Teddy, most of the time he has to go to detention for them.

- Everyone quickly learnes that Lily and Rose always win. Well, everyone except James.

- James and Fred (jr.) are in the same year. They’re probably worse than the marauders and the twins together.

- George secretly provides them with whatever they need for pranks, he’s very proud of his son

- Of course Angelina knows what George is doing, but she pretends not to notice

- James and Fred are the masterminds of their pranks but they’re only successful because they have friends or family in every single Hogwarts house who are more than willing to help them execute their plans

Note: English isn’t my first language, I’m sorry for any mistake I made

Practical Shakespeare Quotes

Do you want to quote more Shakespeare in your life but never find opportunities to say “brevity is the soul of wit”? Do you rarely hang below balconies exchanging love vows with the daughter of your enemy? This is just the list for you. “What an ass am I!” —Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2 “I am not a slut,” —As You Like It, Act 3, Scene 3 (Not that there’s anything wrong with that.) “Hell is empty and all the devils are here,” —The Tempest, Act 1, Scene 2 “Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways,” —Henry IV Part 2, Act 4, Scene 5 “This is the excellent foppery of the world,”

–King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2

“Making the beast with two backs,” —Othello, Act 1, Scene 1 “The fool doth think he is wise, but the wise man knows himself to be a fool,” —As You Like It, Act 5, Scene 1 “To tell thee plain, I aim to lie with thee,” —Henry VI Part 3, Act 3, Scene 2 (Works great for courting hot widows.) “I would rather hear my dog bark at a crow than a man swear he loves me,” —Much Ado About Nothing, Act 1, Scene 1 “I wasted time, and now doth time waste me,” —Richard II, Act 5, Scene 5 “Marry, sir, in her buttocks.” —A Comedy of Errors, Act 2, Scene 5 (No judgement here.) “My horse is my mistress,” —Henry V, Act 3, Scene 7 (Uh, there might be something wrong with that.) “Thou dost infect my eyes,” —Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “Better a witty fool, than a foolish wit,” —Twelfth Night, Act 1, Scene 5 (“Wit” is Shakespearean slang for penis.) “[Wine] provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance,” —Macbeth, Act 2, Scene 3 “I had rather live with cheese and garlic in a windmill, far, than feed on cates and have him talk to me in any summer-house in Christendom,” —Henry IV Part 2, Act 4 Scene 1 “Now, gods, stand up for bastards!” —King Lear, Act 1, Scene 2 “Villain, I have done thy mother!” —Titus Andronicus, Act 4, Scene 2 (This means exactly what you think it does.) “And thou unfit for any place but hell,” —Richard III, Act 1, Scene 2 “The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers,” —Henry VI Part 2, Act 4, Scene 2

“Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell.” —Othello, Act 4, Scene 2

“Out, dunghill!” —King John, Act 4, Scene 3 “This is too long.” —Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2

Professor Lily Potter

Imagine if Lily Potter had become the Potions professor at Hogwarts. If Voldemort had killed James, but she and Harry had survived, both shielded by the power of her love. 

Imagine how Lily Potter would encourage the Weasley twins in the things they were good at, instead of scolding them like everyone else in their lives, because she remembers what it was like growing up with the Marauders. Imagine how seriously they would have taken their studies with just a little bit of praise for the things they were doing right, because they were clearly smart boys. Imagine how much smarter they could be if only somebody realized their intelligence and encouraged it—somebody like Lily Potter. 

Imagine how gently Lily Potter would correct little Neville Longbottom, whose face looked just like his mother’s and whose eyes were filled with fear. Imagine how many of her lessons she would try to relate back to Herbology to help him understand, how patient she would be if he was having trouble. Imagine how she would praise him and boost his confidence, how she would help him with his other studies as well because, after all, Alice and Frank were practically family. 

Imagine Lily Potter teaching Nymphadora Tonks. One powerful ex-auror teaching an outspoken, quirky, auror-to-be. Imagine how much respect those two women would have had for each other, especially when Lily heard Tonks’ aspirations and Tonks heard of Lily’s time in the Order. 

Imagine how Lily Potter would have protected Harry whenever he was in danger, like nobody else in the school could. Imagine her specifically forbidding Harry from going anywhere near the Philosopher’s Stone, but knowing that he won’t listen because he’s his father’s son. Imagine her finding out that Harry had gone missing in the middle of the night, and rushing past all of the spells to get to where he’s battling with Quirrel. Imagine the fury that would have erupted from her wand. Imagine how safe and loved Harry would have felt. 

Imagine how nurturing Lily Potter would have been to little Ginny, who she recognizes as a little lost and scared. Imagine her keeping a very close eye on the only Weasley girl and becoming rather concerned, deciding to send Molly and Arthur an owl. Imagine how quickly she would have found out about the diary, because little Ginny finally has someone to confide in other than the dark lord, and shutting it down completely in the name of keeping her honorary neice safe. 

Imagine how proud Lily Potter would have been of Hermione, another muggle-born girl facing prejudice, yet rising to the top of her class. Imagine her appreciating the disadvantage that Hermione had, having not come from a wizarding family, and admiring every answer the girl could provide. Imagine how encouraging she would have been of Hermione’s intelligence rather than dismissive, how often she would assure her that blood status had nothing to do with a person’s character. 

Imagine how fond Lily Potter would have been of Luna. Luna may not look like much but she was a free spirit and a kind soul, the kind of person that a woman like Lily could appreciate in the dark ages they were living through. Imagine Lily giving Luna a fond smile every time their eyes met, and glaring down anyone who made fun of her differences. Imagine how protective she would have been of little Luna Lovegood, who had few friends and reminded her of herself before she had met Severus. 

Imagine how fond Lily Potter would be of the pranksters, but not too fond to keep them in check while they were in her class. 

Imagine the points Lily Potter would deduct from students she caught saying the word ‘mudblood.’ Imagine the detentions she would give, the long conversations she would have with the offended and offensive students, the letters she would send home to both parties’ parents. Imagine how proactive she would be in spreading tolerance throughout the younger students and stopping intolerance in the older ones. 

Imagine how much Lily Potter would have helped Ron Weasley, who was forever copying off of Hermione’s notes and essays. Imagine how thoroughly she would explain the things he wasn’t understsanding, how hard she would work to keep his attention on the lesson during class. 

Imagine how many different styles of teaching she would explore in an attempt to reach each and every one of her students, something Snape never attempted. Imagine how many great potions masters were just waiting for an opportunity to discover their talent and were provided that opportunity by Professor Lily Potter.