My Cartoon For This Week’s Guardian Books

Top-Tier Villain Motivations

They will be safe. It doesn't matter who else or what else burns as long as They will be safe.

I will be safe. The hunger and the cold will never touch me again.

Fuck any bitch who's prettier(/cooler/better-liked/better at making dumplings) than me.

Yes, Master

Love me. Love me. Love me. Love me. LOVE ME!

I know the terrible things these so-called "heroes" will do if I don't stop them (<- is absolutely wrong)

I don't want a better future, I want a better past!

No other way to get performance art funded these days

“humans don’t do anything for free” somewhere out there there is a guy who spent days if not weeks of his life cataloguing every stupid thing you can do on stardew valley so that you can minmax the fuck out of growing potatoes on a pixel grid for quite literally no reason but that it might help someone else

lifehack: when you see a Take One candy bowl in a restaurant, wait until noones looking and shovel candy into your pockets. god may judge you but his sins outnumber your own

ok so hear me out

"Love and sex make us human"

Wrong. Most animals fuck. Some reproduce without a partner. Then there are some that can choose not to fuck (like those that remain in their pride or family and forfeit the right to mate in exchange for safety).

Definitely a lot of them love. In their own way or even our way. Like... so many birds mate for life. Humans only wish for that marriage success rate...

Love and sex don't make us human. The absence of them doesn't make us human.

You know what makes us human?

COOKING.

Humans are the only creatures in existence to cook their food. To have a culinary culture. To purposefully change the molecular structure of their sustenance for fun, art, and pleasure.

So, in a way, at the root of it, is pizza over sex and romance.

Pizza makes us human.

🍕

Ok now do NYT columnists

Devil on my shoulder: We have work in eight hours if we go to sleep right now we'll be reasonably rested in time to do labor

Angel on my shoulder: We need to see more of this canned fish reviewer guy's youtube channel. He's got something special going on.

“The entire British museum is an active crime scene” - John Oliver