*writing In My Diary Using A Glitter Gel Pen* I'm Losing My Sense Of Humanity

Tru tru

Paul Matthews is one of the most characters ever. He’s just some guy. An evil hivemind decided that he’s their arch nemesis because he kept accidently escaping them. He has anxiety. He works a boring desk job for an evil tech company that developed time travel. He hates musicals. He’s super horny. In one timeline he’s a clone who has killed before and will kill again. He hates musicals but he loved Moana. He had a breakdown in a coffee shop. He survived a helicopter crash by wearing his seatbelt. The general of a shady, secret military unit authorised him to use a gun. He had a paper round until he was 18. His only friends are his coworkers who he would die for but refuses to hang out with outside of the office. He respects women. He’s autistic. He tried to save the world with a bunch of grenades but became the bad guy instead. He only drinks black coffee. Absolutely nobody is doing it like him. 

The best part of Pride and Prejudice 1995 is the perfect fucking comedic timing

things we learned from technoblade

1. do not give the world an inch. make it conform to you

2. persevere, always

3. repay kindness tenfold

4. lie about your personal information online

5. when pressure is too much, it's okay to take a step back

6. seek out love and friendship actively. attach yourself to people you like and find ways to spend more time with them.

7. show love. (saying it is well and good, but showing it goes such a long way.)

8. win. no matter what it is, you can win, and you will

9. topple governments. embrace anarchy. fight god. go to hell. win.

WHEN ON PERIOD:

do not crash out

your feelings are NOT valid

do not send that text

don't kill yourself. lock in

do not act on negative emotions until at least 2 days have elapsed

the broader stranger things fandom essentially implying gay ppl didn't exist in the eighties implies that we just spawned into the vast plain of existence one day like satan's minions and honestly? great villain origin story. i think we should start going with that guys

people from these countries?

show-stopping

In highschool I wrote a story about a middle-generation of stellar travelers. Their parents were born on earth and left as children, and the middle generation will not live long enough to see their destination. They live their entire lives on the ship and I wrote about them trying to find their place in everything. They will never know blue skies and warm beaches and open fields with warm breezes. They’ll never know birdsong or crickets or frogs. They’ll never hear the rain on the roof of a dreary day. I never could find the right way to end the story. I wanted it to be a happy ending, but I didn’t know how to do it.

I realize now that it was a book about me dealing with depression before I even knew it. Looking back at how blatant the projecting was, it’s obvious now. It wasn’t then.

In the story, the middle-generation people are lost. They’re apathetic. They’re just a placeholder. The only job they have is to keep the ship running, have kids, and die. As the middle generation of people began becoming adults, suicide rates were skyrocketing. Crime and drug rates were jumping. This generation was completely apathetic because they felt that they had no use.

In the story, a small group of people in the middle-generation create the Weather Project. They turn the ship into a terrarium. They make magnificent gardens and take the DNA of animals they took with them and recreate them and they make this cold, metal spaceship that they have to live their entire lives on into a home. They take what little they have and they break it and rearrange it into something beautiful. They take this radical idea and turn the ship into a wonderful jungle of trees and birds and sunshine.

And I realize now how much it reflects my state of mind as I transitioned from a child into an adult while dealing with depression. You always hear “it gets better” and “when you’re older things will be easier” and I was so sick of waiting for it to get better. I was in the middle-generation stage. And I was sick of it. I was so sick of waiting.

When I was in highschool I didn’t know how to end the story. I didn’t know how to have a happy ending. I didn’t have the life experience then to finish the story in a meaningful way. I didn’t know how to make it better for these middle-generation characters.

But now that I’m older, I’m learning. That if you sit and wait for things to get better, it never will. You have to take your life and break it apart and rearrange it into something beautiful. You have to make the cold metal ship into the garden that you deserve. You have to make your own meaning. You have to plant your own garden.

You have to teach yourself that being happy is not a radical idea.