The Onion’s Journalism Is The Only Journalism That Matters. Holy Fuck.

this is what tommy's particle that ive just discovered looks like. kind of. this is a theory. but anyway it just acts chaotically and the force of its wavelength may seem annoying at first s- *gets shot*

AU where the Dream SMP is literally just. Dream’s house, and everything else is the same. He invites his closest friends to be roommates. He invites a few people over for a party and they don’t leave. Wilbur announces the attic is claiming independence and won’t move out. Tommy and Tubbo steal Dream’s i-pod even though it only has two songs and become outraged when he tries to take it back. Dream can’t make anyone leave but he can exile Tommy to the spare bedroom closet. Jack Manifold has somehow been stabbed, buried in the garden, and crawled back out alive and well. Snowchester is the kitchen and Las Nevadas is the room with a pool table and Techno and Phil sleep in tents on the front lawn. Sam and Quackity conspire to lock Dream in a shed they built out back. It doesn’t occur to anyone that they shouldn’t murder each other over a house

i had to write something for this LMAOO this is such a fucking funny prompt - that being said, enjoy absolute crack and c!dream having enough!! please send me more asks like this because this is the funniest fucking thing KJEFKJNL i love writing crack i miss doing it so much

tag for this au is > l’houseberg au !!

warnings: fire, violence, fighting, alcohol + smoke mentions, pure crack LMAO

“Hey man,” his neighbour says conversationally, “so how’s things?”

Dream doesn’t even wince at the sound of screaming coming from his house. He’s used to it by now. “Oh, hi Techno, uh, you know-” He ducks under a flaming book thrown at the back of his head by a yelling Tommy, watching it land in his lawn and start burning freely. “Uh, things are a little quiet recently-”

“Quiet?” Techno’s eyebrows fly into his hairline. “You’re callin’ this quiet?”

“Um, well, things are better than they were last week,” Dream says optimistically, “so, um, the attic has been taken over by some guy I let into my house because he said he was homeless and had two kids with him, but you know, I’ve decided that’s fine. A few other people have showed up, for some reason, I don’t really know who they are, but-”

“Is- Is that the guy that stole your attic?” Techno points to Wilbur, who saunters by with a peanut butter sandwich from the kitchen while two others scream at him. “Wilbur Soot?”

Dream blinks. “You know him?”

“Yeah?” Techno scoffs. “Dude, he’s not even homeless. He lives with Phil. You know, like, the guy who lives next door to me?”

“He’s not homeless..?”

“You’ve been exiled!” A man in a beanie yells at Wilbur. “That means you can’t come into the attic again! Stop trying to break back in!”

“Let me talk to Schlatt,” Wilbur demands, “he’s been keeping the peanut butter from my people. I want to talk to him. He needs to treat my people better.”

“He’s passed out drunk in the attic, dude, I don’t know what you want from me-”

“Dream.” Techno interrupts their listening with some concern. “I hate to pry, but when was the last time you slept?”

“Oh, you know,” Dream laughs, voice cracking, eye twitching at the sound of something being smashed from the inside, “uh, like, a week or so ago!”

So that explains why he’s so calm. Techno winces, and then eyes the blanket and pillow in his hands. “I didn’t wake you as you were tryin’ to sleep, did I?”

“No, no,” Dream claps him on the back as he heads outside to a deckchair in the front yard, putting the pillow down and putting on sunglasses, deliberately ignoring the dismal weather and the fact his window cracks very suddenly behind him as someone is flung into a wall, “I decided to take a break for a bit. It’s like... vacation, you know?”

“Have you considered therapy?” Techno asks politely, as the sound of screaming gets louder. “This is pretty rough luck, man.”

“It’s okay,” Dream says absently, pulling the blanket over himself, already half asleep, “wake me up if they burn down my house, please.”

“TECHNOBLADE!”

Techno finds himself being yanked inside, and by the time he gets his bearings, the door is firmly shut and locked behind him. Heart sinking, he turns round to see a hyperactive TommyInnit and a very tired looking Wilbur Soot, one of them beaming, the other scowling.

“Hey,” Techno greets warily, “what’s goin’ on?”

“We’re taking back L’Attic,” Tommy says dramatically, throwing his arms out and shattering a photo of Dream and his friends that had been on the wall, “and you’re going to help.”

Technoblade glances upwards, where he can smell the faint stench of alcohol and smoke. “You mean Dream’s attic?”

“Revolution,” Wilbur stresses, crossing his arms, “we’re rebelling against the government, Technoblade. Are you in?”

...Techno turns to the door, still very firmly locked, and then to Quackity and Tubbo, who are yelling at each other over Dream’s bills.

“Yeah,” he sighs, resigning himself to his fate, “yeah, I’m in.”

I work hard (ignore canon) to make this house (fandom) a home (a gay fandom)

Everyone shut up about loving Summer I will literally kill Summer with my bare hand if i could

I just want them to love each other in a very special way that cannon is. I want trobed to be canon

Yay go gals

sending girls the courage they need to kiss another girl in 2022

I know Criminal Minds is a show not reality bc in ep5 S10 a dad knew all of his son's friends

I need this man to kiss me like that. I need him to suck the soul out of me. (and a shit ton of other things that I cannot explain here because that would be very R18 and some of yall are minors.)

may your 2022 be vampiric and homoerotic