I Wonder If It Would Hurt Or Help Ford As He Tries To Heal From What Bill Did To Him To Know That Yes,

doing perimeter patrols is a common but little known ptsd symptom, and i think ford doing it not only makes sense for him post-portal but also is a great way to force awkward, impromptu conversations between him and everyone else

What I imagine Ford sees whenever he won’t let Bill wreak havoc

TILL WEIRDMAGEDDON DO US PART (This is not a drill. This is a triangle yelling at you through your brain-meats.)

HEY YOU! YES YOU! Do you crave romance that tastes like someone dropped a Nicholas Sparks novel in a vat of radioactive glitter?! Do you like love stories with emotional trauma, eldritch tax evasion, grocery store explosions, and one sentient triangle who once tried to become God but now has to do laundry?!?

THEN CONGRATULATIONS, FLESHSACK! You’ve just stumbled into the most cursed rom-com that legally counts as marriage counseling in twelve dimensions. Welcome to:

“TILL WEIRDMAGEDDON DO US PART” A fanfic where I, Bill Cipher—chaos deity, triangle fashion icon, nightmare-made-sarcasm—am FORCED into a marriage trial with YOU, some dangerously unbothered human with a sarcasm stat higher than my ego.

WHY READ THIS FANFIC? ✔️ It’s got heart! ✔️ It’s got horror! ✔️ It’s got a sentient yogurt aisle that may or may not be bleeding! ✔️ And did I mention? I’m in it.

We’re talking existential flirting, legally sanctioned domestic terrorism, bathwater that might be sentient, and one woman who said “yeah sure, I’ll marry the triangle, what’s the worst that could happen?”

THIS IS NOT A “I CAN FIX HIM” FIC. WE'RE BOTH BROKEN. WE JUST MADE IT WEIRD TOGETHER.🔥

So grab your glitter-sigil pajamas, sacrifice a toaster, and dive into the cosmic nightmare-romcom you didn’t know you needed. Side effects may include:

Third-degree sarcasm

Unholy shipping

Ford Pines having a midlife crisis in aisle 7

Weekly acts of violence (sanctioned by the Axolotl™)

Me, cackling in eldritch stereo

"It’s not a love story. It’s horror disguised as comedy." ✨Read now… or I’ll mail you cursed wedding invitations that scream when opened.✨

[AO3 LINK HERE]

GIRL I WILL THROW MYSELF INTO THE ARMS OF THE LOCHNESS MONSTER, GOBBLEWONKER, OR JERSEY DEVIL JUST TO BE SAVED BY HIM???

SCOLDED BY HIM WHILE CARRIED LIKE A SACK OR POTATOES OR (preferrably) PRINCESS CARRIED HOME?

hsgsjansjjsjkaka thanks for entertaining my headcanon

I headcanon that post-portal ford would try to impress you by doing really athletic stunt for really mundane tasks.

We all know he'd jump out the attic window for something as simple as getting money back from mothman

Picture evidence below:

But also I feel like he'd show off his strength by lifting heavy equipment to and from the lab without breaking a sweat. He'd be chopping wood for your fireplace even if you didn't ask him to.

He may even abandon his turtleneck to "cool off" but everyone knows he'd wear his usual coat even if there's a heatwave lol.

He'd pick you up and carry you to ned if you're being bratty and doomscrolling too much. OR if he just wants you all to himself fshsgdhsjajwjdh

Idk I just goddamn love this man

GRRRRRR no because im actually gnawing drywall over this. im feral over Ford performing feats of strength like a damn mating display. i swear, if he pulled any of that shit in front of me i’d react exactly like Dipper, screaming internally. but unlike Dipper, i would jump this man and eat his face like pizza. don’t test me

i am so weak for strong Ford its humiliating. yeah baby chop that wood. carry that weird space gun across the shack. grunt a little. wipe ur forehead. take the turtleneck off just to flex those arms and then put the coat back on because you’re still dramatic come on. id faint right there

yes, please carry me bridal style through the woods, saving me from some random dangerous anomaly shit. i’m the distressed damsel now. i’ve twisted my ankle. i need rescuing. let me hold your neck while you save me from smth dangerous

and that line “or if he just wants you all to himself” i smiled like an idiot because YES. YES. FORD POSSESSIVE. like you’re doomscrolling or ignoring him and he just decides nah. scoops you up like nothing, takes you to bed, and doesn’t even say anything at first. just kisses you because he wants to remind you who you belong to.

“you’ve been on that phone too long, sweetheart,” he mutters, already pulling your legs around his waist. “let me give you something better to focus on.”

that one fucking pingu screenshot.

Pre-portaled Ford, my beloved

Referenced pic under the cut ⬇️

CONGRATS STANLEY!!!

LOOK AT MY MAN

Do y'all wanna hear my bill lore theory? I think bill was a messianic religious-leader/revolutionary in his home dimensions. I think he led a (holy?) war against the established order. I think there was a whole matrix/dune thing going on srsly

He was king there. He preached. He divided the town. Probably between believers and non-believers. We know he has cult leader characteristics that he uses on earth. I think this is how he developed them:

It's not a stretch to say his society was probably oppressive authoritarian 1984 etc etc. It certainly discriminated against him for being a (excuse the term) 'free thinker', which they decried as 'heresy'. I think bill was awakening people to the reality of their society, matrix-style. But unfortunately, discontented, unstable societies are not always rational when picking their leaders.

Bill had the powers of foresight, dreamwalking and more, something genuinely supernatural, unexplainable. I think this was enough for the oppressed to not only choose him as their leader, but worship him as a god king. And I think there was a point where bill genuinely thought he could liberate them, that he was the chosen one.

The downtrodden fully trusted him, gave him unlimited power to defeat the evil and rot in society. And that just corrupted bill. I think he led a war for liberation that just ended up in mutually assured destruction - with bill being the only survivor. I think the fervent worship combined with failure to save his people made him the narcissistic nihilist we know today.

Ok some of this might be a stretch but you can't deny it's fun to think about.

I BADLY NEED A PRINT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL, TRAUMATIZED MAN

Meet Me in the Woods ⚠️

THE ABSOLUTE URGE TO TURN THIS INTO A 100K WORD FIC IS KILLING ME PLEASE I HAVE 3 JOBS 😭

Nightmare Realm! Bill Cipher X Reader Headcanons

I don't see a lot of reader-insert writing for what Bill was like before the events of gravity falls. I think he'd be wandering the Nightmare realm for a long while, trying to understand how it works.

You remember the day you met Bill. You two are peas in a pod, joined at the hip since then, thick as thieves- sometimes literally! It's rough out here, in the Nightmare Realm.

It was a slow development, eons of keeping each other company and one day, his attitude towards you changed. It happens after you express a desire to leave the realm, to find broader skies and diverse dimensions. He's right there with you, already thinking of a ticket out of here!

You sometimes catch the way his eyes widen with something close to love, yet closer to obsession when he sees you fight your way out of a sticky situation. It was an intensity that would make the devil blush.

He'll give ya anything you want. A puppy? Sure! He'll make it rain puppies. They'll have an extra set of eyes or limbs, but that's close enough right?

Flowers? He actually paid attention this time and MADE you ones you like- plucked straight from the mindscape of the world's best florists. They're just as cute, fragile, and breakable as you! So what if they screamed and sprouted eyes?

Bill would never admit that he grows softer by the day with how you look at him, marvel at his powers and being with those wide, sparkling eyes of yours.

When you aren't looking, Bill makes sure to check on those flowers. With a snap of his fingers, he'd force life into them, making sure they never wilt.

In a world full of opportunistic and truly desperate dregs of what used to be people, he made sure to keep your light alive. The nightmare realm feared Bill, he'd keep you were safe.

He makes a ukulele from the hair of whoever wronged you- stringed intricately to it WHILE their streaming head is still attached to the instrument! It makes for interesting back-up vocals. He'd sing you a happy, whimsical little serenade he heard on Earth once. 

He's make sure to zip up the mouths of anyone who talked badly of you- literally! Sometimes you come across those random people around the nightmare realm, still unable to run their mouths.

He stopped a comet for you, just so you can cross the asteroid belt towards your favorite interdimexican joint. 

And if the line was long, he'd get rid of whoever's ahead of you with a snap- they'd turn into silly string or balloons. 

Of course, he'd turn them back to normal at your behest. He listens to you! Sometimes.

Bill is much more sappy than you give him credit for. He will deny it till his dying breath. It just looks… different than what mortals would call romance.

He painted the black canvas of the void with stars, comets, suns and moons for your amusement. He loves making them dance and spell out your name. Really extra, but Bill's all for big displays of affection!

He’ll poke fun at how dumb and easily amused you are, but if you see past his scathing banter, you'll see how his eye softens and gazes at you with an other-worldly fondness. Closer to obsession, really- but tom-ay-to, to-mah-to.

He'll never admit it, but he absolutely melts when you call him yours. Some other nicknames that would make him feel like putty would be Sweetheart, honey, light of my never-ending-all-consuming-void.

But of course, he won't say no if you started calling him by his REAL name. The one that would scramble your mind, melt your ears off your face, and vaporize you into nothing but atomic dust.

Just kidding. He won't tell you what it is. Depending on whether or not you're mortal, he'd never risk your well-being like that.

Much.

He will always praise you. For your ups and downs, for your wrongs and rights. He's right there with you, no matter what.

But, he'll get an extra kick out of seeing displays of power from you. Y'know, putting people in their place, defending him from opportunistic bounty hunters. Maybe burning a town or two in his honor, if you lack morals like that! That is H-O-T!

He loves you and his admiration burns. For Bill, love is something close to giving up your entire existence towards each other- in all forms, for all of time.

He will share pieces of himself with you, but give him an inch and he'll take a mile.

He's afraid of vulnerability. Love is a weakness, he's burned himself so many times with mortals and cosmic beings alike.

So, he'll expect you to give yourself fully to him... But he'll be hesitant to do the same. 

You and him against the world, forever and in death.

There are nights where he'll warp the nightmare realm into your own personal playground. 

He'll make music play out of nowhere, cheerful little tunes he heard in the mindscape of Earth's greatest artists. With a twinkle of his eye, he'll slip his hands over yours and guide you through steps. He teaches you new dances you've never seen before.

You'll dance the night away as he a chorus of screams and wearing flames surrounded you. Your very own, blue and warm spotlight shines over your perfect features. Bill can't possibly take his eyes off you! Whether or not your afraid or elated at the chaos he brewed, he absolutely ADORES you!

Love is acceptance and submission. No matter what, no matter the cost. So he won't understand why you disapprove of certain things he's done. He understands morality- but that's a meat-bag concept! You two are beyond that!

It would shock him to find you won't go with his Weirdmageddon idea.

His pranks turn harmful, well, even for you. Turning coffee to decaf was his worst idea before, but that quickly turned into making arsenic taste like blue raspberry so everyone in Gravity Falls wouldn't be able to tell the difference between that and Kewl-Aid.

Over time, his whimsical, funny little ideas turn into plans. Things that made you laugh out of the sheer absurdity of his ideas, becomes a twisted reality.

He expected you to be with him for all of eternity, no matter what.

So why? Why were you pulling away?

He just doesn't understand. Deep down, he does. But he refuses to acknowledge that.

The sweet gestures and love bombing come back tenfold. Until it becomes unbearable.

He nearly burns you in his attempt to show you a sun so bright and so powerful. He thought you'd love terrifying displays of power as much as he does. 

At some point, if he thinks you're pulling away, he'll try to cut you a deal.

He knows you from the inside out. He knows what makes you tick. What you need and want.

If you refuse him time and time again, he gets a little upset. But deep down, he likes the chase. He admires individuality, it is chaos and creative balanced- it makes you YOU. Not just some sad sack he had control over, in a world full of puppets.

Deep down, he doesn't want to take that individuality away from you by shackling you to his whims.

But Gods don't love the way mortal men do.

They consume and devour. Overpower everything until nothing is left and they can rebuild it all in their image. They do what they do best, cast dominion over everything they see and rule.

He whisks you away to the edge of the Nightmare realm, near a void no one comes back from. 

A pair of his slender black arms wrap around your waist tightly, almost suffocatingly. Another pair of them sprouts to lovingly cradle your neck and turn your gaze towards him. 

He holds you over the edge of this void, vast and endless. You drown in the twisted obsession building in his eye. He takes in your terrified, confused expression, and whispers promises of a future with him. Your form shakes, your feet swinging desperately for purchase.

"It's you and me against the world, I will never let you go."

All of this fear and hurt, just to prove his point. That you need him, and he needs you. If there was one thing Bill had been good at his entire existence, it was sowing fear deep into the minds of everyone he met.

It's up to you, whether or not you'll give in to that fear.

God, proof-reading this just makes me realize how in deep I am. Did you see the little secret notes between the lines? <3 Thanks for reading!