Where I Am... Where Am I?
Where I am... Where am I?
You know that feeling of foreboding?... I mean, if you're bipolar or depressive or anxious or have panic attacks you get that feeling, like, the other shoe is gonna drop... Any minute now. I'm there. I think. I don't know. I wish there was a guide book for the emotional roller coaster that is my life. Not your life or her life but MY life. I wish I could look into the future and see Yes Dammit, I'm headed in the right direction... You'll see, you'll get there. But no. No book. No instruction manual. I split our account two weeks ago, into a hers and his. It was my first step at "detachment with love" they call it. I took my name off all the credit cards, which I already regret... What if I need to buy medicine or pay for a copay?... I suppose I will have to figure that out. Right now, I'm paying for myself and my daughter to live without fear of not having money. So. Yeah. No credit cards. Dammit. I was High as a kite on Friday, not sure why. Probably just the excess built up passive aggressive anger coming out in a ball of misplaced energy. I was singing and laughing and felt like I was in a good place. I don't know where i am now. This bipolar thing for me was pretty stable there for a long time, but the past month or two I've been rapid cycling ... Like sometimes morning to afternoon cycling. So strange to have the Black thoughts at ten am, then be Rainbows at two. I don't get it. I suppose there will be years of learning ahead. For everything. Learning how to lean on myself and still love him. Learning how to cultivate a relationship between my daughter and her father, but not allowing her to get hurt. I'm inpatient. Learning should come to you like math facts - 2x2=4. Got it. Done. Never changes. This learning curve is so long and twisted and it dives off cliffs and parachutes to rolling greens then skids you off to an iceberg. But no map. No instructions. And that other shoe- it's hovering. My break downs are minor compared to losing my ever loving fucking mind two years ago. But no less scary. A panic attack three (3?) weeks ago was enough to rattle me for days. I don't wish them on anyone. I felt it coming, like now. I felt it in my skin, in my ears... It was humming, right there in my brain. The vibration that stirs all the shakes and tears and cuts off my voice. I felt it coming. I tried, honest, I did... I washed my hands and face. I plugged in, loud as I could get it. I sat on the floor- what can I see? what can I feel? what can I smell? what can I taste? Grounding. And it didn't matter. The wave swept me up, the whole stick of a human I've become, and tossed me over its shoulder into the rolling ocean ... No lifeguard. No raft. Just deep, drowning, tumultuous waves of ... Of what? It wasn't truly sadness. It was this odd combination of relief and terror. Finally, FINALLY it was here and I could drown. Who wishes that they could drown?... I suppose only those of us that are most scared of the water. Because if we come up for air We've won.
More Posts from Confessionsofabipolarbaker and Others
Dream
Dream Jan 7 night Passed out drunk, gagging, Meem drove me home<? Peg took my car. Where was I? I remember making a list of words or funny sayings through the night, then waking up sore and tired and it felt like days had gone by. I was in my old bedroom at Meems. I had a suitcase- which peg and tif had packed for me. I unpacked most all of it, especially my makeup- they put it in all wrong in my kit, and my clothes were in all wrong. I have no idea if I was packed to go somewhere or to stay there. I remember meeting some guy and thinking he was so nice and he kissed me, and it was okay but nothing special. We hung out for some of the party<? I remember later then another guy came in-- it was Ben Kiner <<I think?! From freaking kindergarten/high school ??wtf. There was an instant connection, not sure if it was just familiarity or infatuation, but we were stuck together for the rest of the night, up until what I remember. The dream skipped from there, seeing the list, remembering the one guy and the other guy and the house- like a beach house, and people there for some kind of party? To the waking up part. I got in a fight with peg and rig about planning togo to the beach this year, and to Georgia?... I yelled at them that I couldn't even buy my kid bread why the fuck would I be able to afford a vacation?! I was pissed... I think that was during the unpacking. It was almost like I felt like they were trying to move me, like, get me to move away. It was very long, very vivid... I woke up in the middle of the night when I woke up in the dream- totally confused, but fell back to sleep and the dream kept going from there.
question
...how do i, or can i make folders for pictures? thanks bunches all!
Om shanti, shanti, shanti.
The Prequel
"Welcome to my sweet upside down world."
In 2013 I wrote my first blog piece. I had (have?) zero followers, I rarely posted — at one point it was 2 years between, and yet I still held on to this need to write. "Someone, somewhere wants to hear my story."
Today I’m sitting on my front porch, it’s an unusually warm October day, contemplating things that two decades ago I never thought would be in my brain — Why is my wife upset with me? When do we have to leave for our trans son’s LGBTQ group meeting? Are we taking the dog with us? What will this drive look like next week after the 2024 election?
I'm writing again, today, because aforementioned Wife (THE bestest wife everrrrr) has asked me to take time to focus on my writing - for the first time ever. My goal - share my life. Lots of people - when I share my story/ies - find it interesting. I often think it's quite ... normal? Is that the word? Maybe. If nothing else I feel like I can keep the attention of most people when I share. We shall see. I'm not sure what order makes the most sense, but I have lots of stories to tell, and I am confident they will make their way here.
Shall we?
-Yes, let's.
First blog post - May 14th, 2013:
There is a saying in yoga practice when doing inversion asanas (upside down poses): inversions help you to see your world upside down in practice so you know how to deal better with upside down moments in life.
Let’s just say that I’ve been doing a lot of inversions lately.
Hello, I am the self-titled Bipolar Baker… And welcome to my sweet upside down word.
I was only recently diagnosed, as of May 9th, 2013… Not even a week now. And yet, it feels like I have lived with this disease all my life. I’m already comfortable with its company. My official diagnosis is Bipolar I, rapid cycling, with mixed mania, and Anxiety Disorder. Sounds like fun, right? Actually, it is quite fun…
When I’m in my mania, I am a hoot! I am the social butterfly, the Carrie In The City, the best friend you just met. I am super over productive: writing a 1,450 word paper for school in three hours — in APA format, with citations and five references, without an outline. I am the baker baking forty-eight cupcakes from scratch, with homemade raspberry soufflé icing, individually wrapped in lace and prepped for the bridal shower that is less than ten hours away, which I then co-host with flair (constantly having to remind myself, of course, that I am NOT the center of attention for the next two hours). I am the organizer of clothes into rainbow rows, by type, from left to right, separated by specific hangers into three sections — pants, tops, and dresses/skirts, even coordinating my underthings in their drawers by color.
Color rules my world most days. I get caught up in feeling the deep, cellular green of the late spring leaves inside my head. I watch the wispy feather white clouds drift in slow motion across the infinite Carolina blue sky. I study the amber and coal and hematite hairs on my dog’s coat as he lays beside me, head on my thigh. I see colors as moods, and as auras. It is my gift and my burden as an empath, only adding to the complexity of my mind. In my mania I see starbursts of yellow and honey gold following little children, chasing their worries away…
Luckily, the downs don’t stay as long. “The Crash” I have named it. The free fall after the mania. It is quick and steady: a ride down the steep side of the roller coaster, G-forces pulling at my heart, then a quick upturn to baseline, stomach churning, to wait for another incline, steady again climbing up up up. On grey days baking and my yoga pull me up. I have never found baking difficult, which is how I know it is my “out” when I have crashed. It is the one sweet thing where I can lose my mind, both figuratively and literally. My yoga practice I revel in: morning yoga to invigorate, day yoga to stay motivated, evening yoga to be thoughtful, and night yoga to burn off the stored energy from the day. Usually the night yoga involves the inversions — head stands, bridge pose, arm stands, wheel pose… Feet high above my heart to remind me: be grounded in the air, let that which is real rise above your wounded heart, and let your heart rise above your head.
Again, this is simply the walkway, the entry to my world. I hope you can join me for a few trips, or maybe just one spin... Either way, I hope it's a sweet ride.
#Bipolar #anxiety #mania #rapid cycle #writer #wlw #lgbtq
Too long
It's been too long since I've been here. I have so many journal entries I want to put on here- things that made so much sense. I want to revisit, relearn, revive the words. Maybe my time off will be good for me. This is the first time in what seems like years that I have looked forward to time with my daughter... It doesn't scare me. Maybe we are becoming less intertwined, less co-dependent, more understanding of each other's need for space and closeness, distance, separation, fusion and fission. I want to come back and fill in the blank spaces. I always promise this, but be back soon...
A sliver of silver moon.
For my friend Cinnamon... Almost, there...almost! If you can make this you are alllllllllllright.
I'm not on tumblr as much but I love to write... Lemme know :)):
Did ya find one? ...
Anyone wanna be my penpal? I’ll send you a ton of letters and shit.
remind me
to follow the book lead
to write as i took my pictures, for a timeline
to find my bio book notes...
Welcome to my sweet upside down world.
78 posts