My Silhouette... By The Kiddo...

this view is within walking distance of my house. ...also behind me is a four lane highway, but, whtevs.

The Slide

So my sister took my kiddo and hers to the pool yesterday. Showed me pictures of them there, going down this gigantic slide. One picture showed my niece I mid air- out of the shoot, floating above the water, before the splash landing. I look back, think about that picture today. My body is starting to wind down, untwist the coils so tightly wound, I'm remembering what deep breaths feel like, yawning. High is fun. I like High. But the Slide. The Slide is never quite just a straight shot down and out. Like my niece, she came down, whoooosh! And in to the water below. My Slide is twisty, curvy, sometimes I get stuck on a spot and have to scoot, scoot, scoot forward to get going again. Getting stuck is okay- it means another hour/day to be not all the way down the Slide. I'm going to be okay this time, I can feel it differently in my brain, I've accepted that I can't be High all the time... As much as I've loved it. Now I will have to somehow find the fight in me that I know is there... The fight to hover- right above the big splash.

question

...how do i, or can i make folders for pictures?  thanks bunches all!

O.M.G. This just made my decade... Seriously, I love Graham Norton, and Wiil, but Carlton... Cannot. Be. Beat!

two years...

my last post was January 2016... okay, so more than 2 years. A hell of a lot has happened, and changed, and stayed the same. Reading old posts. odd. 

THIS!!!!!!!!!! most of us feel like we aren't doing enough because we can't physically stop a genocide but speaking helps!! pressuring helps!! boycotting helps and protesting helps!! please don't give up on Palestinians not when the entire world has turned their backs on them

here is how YOU can help Palestine

Back again- Confession

I'm in therapy. We talked about my past.... Did anyone notice me being "different". Maybe. But then I got thinking, there was a lot of mania in my life. Overachiever extraordinaire. Gifted. Accelerated college program in high school. Honor rolls in college. And then I remember some super stupid decisions. A one night stand at the beach. A one night stand with a rich mans son. While in a long term relationship I had an affair with my almost fiances' best friend, and them with him and his wife. I moved from east coast to west cost, and back again to New York, then to virginia. I remember never sleeping- parties and going out and meeting people. And them I met my husband and somehow he changed me... Or possibly, I had just come down off a two year High. My family said " he's good for you, he settles you down". And now, I lay here on the couch ... Alone. Because he had to "rescue" a friend... By taking her out for drinks, to distract her from her ex boyfriend being found unconscious, a pill bottle beside him, after she broke up with him. And my husband to the rescue. Did I mention she's a stripper he met at a club?... My bad. Missing piece. And yet, I let him go bc I don't want to start a fight- I'm High, and I say a lot of stupid things right now. I'm mad mostly bc he went to her so fast. Moments after her text, he's got a coat and his keys and he's gone. But I ask for him to say to me "honey, your doing a great job fighting this, your trying so head, I'm proud of you"... But instead I get " you need to get it together. We need to have a good year"... Awesome. I totally lost it- in text form of course bc I can't fun front him. And nine days later we still haven't talked about it. And with his rescue mission, now I don't want to. To top it off, we get to take my daughter to the hospital. Bc of my inpatient stint she has stopped going to the bathroom TMI. So now, she has the belly of an Ethiopian solid as a rock and a fever of101.3. I'm tired and wired... I want off this roller coaster. I took my first full dose of my med- back on after an insurance mishap that lasted two months. I'm praying I can be strong enough to let it kick in... Distraction tactics engaged. Maybe more writing later. Not sure when my husband will be home, you know, after going to the rescue of his stripper best friend. Sleep on that. Not.

Sad epiphany

It was a rough conversation today with a friend... We talked about why I'm still where I am- with Him, he who is supposed to be my provider and my beloved and the man that my world revolves around... And yet... He will always be an addict. How do I somehow combine my promise to never leave-til death do us part with I can't live with the fear of what could be... So we talked. And I can't listen. I hear it, it's riiiiiiight there. The answer. But I walk away, and stand outside, looking for answers in the clouds, in the leaves of the trees, in the electric transformer- if nature and invention can coexist, why can't I just be with Him?... And my heart says bc I want to fix him... I want him to change, to be better, to care enough about us to change. A young boy rides by on a bike, sees me standing there, staring at the sky... And, a complete stranger, asks "are you okay?"... And I hear You can't fix someone who doesn't think they need fixed. ... So now what.

remind me

to follow the book lead

to write as i took my pictures, for a timeline

to find my bio book notes... 

Rapid cycle

Ever just have one of those days where you simply cannot get your shit together?... Well, duh, look at my audience here. You get it.