Glass Was Never Meant To Hold Lightning.

I wish I had infinite cookie

*flight of the bumblebee plays furiously as I navigate Walmart*

wait, you're telling me that there are people who don't constantly overthink every single thing they do? Dang. Next you'll say there are people who don't lie awake at night and think about every cringey thing they've ever done

Be patient.

My wife: My beautiful wife! My amazing, brilliant, beautiful, perfect wife! I'd die for her. God she's perfect.

Me: dumbass (affectionate)

There's a little border collie who lives in my head. She's very smart, but very restless. If she is not kept busy, she starts chewing up all my furniture.

On a related note, I think that the pepper jack cheese is getting spicier.

Subway has no right to smell that good

Hear me when I say, there will be peace in my valley.

Something is twisting around my ribs and gripping my tongue. It's sitting in my throat. I can see it, but it won't talk to me. I don't know if it can.