Nom

Someone start the Apocalypse, which ever one you can. Just start it.

Jeff...Jeff no

Why did it take the police so long to show up to Capitol Hill?

Because they had to go home and change first.

Screw Natzis

Just started thinking and I realized those post about kids scaring their parent in the middle of the night was me as a kid (probably still do). I just remembered that one post about the kid standing over the parents bed with a bloody nose and giving their parents nightmares but I one upped them. I got a bloody nose but that’s not what scared my mom (for context when I was young like 4-7 I got a lot of bloody noses it was not a suprise they also happened for a number of reasons) it was the tooth I had lost. So the story it was late at night and I couldn’t sleep (this was before my parents put me on melatonin) so I started wiggling my loose tooth thinking about something or other as I am a very scatter brained individual when it just starts raining and bc I was in my head I didn’t realize it was raining until the lightning hit and the first one was loud (I have sensitive hearing didn’t help that it was close to the house) so I jumped (off the actual bed it was surreal now that I think about it) and well out comes the tooth and a lot of blood from my mouth and my first thought is not that’s my tooth or that’s a lot of blood it’s just ‘what would happen if a lama had food dye in its mouth and spit at someone’ (what would happen would it be colored or no?) then I get the nose bleed and then think ‘Oh a nose bleed I should go get mom’ and my mouth has been closed this entire time so blood is just building in my mouth and I didn’t register it, so I’m in my mom and dads room and I shake my mom awake and she asks “what do you need?” And as I open my mouth to say ‘my nose is bleeding’ just a bucket load of blood come out of my mouth and she hears the sound it hitting the carpet and asks “what was that?” and all I say is just “I think it was blood” so she blots up and turns on the end lamp and just screams bc there in front of her is just a child from the nose, down to her feet covered in blood so dad wakes up and at this moment I register the tooth in my hand and through a blood soaked mouth say “Oh I lost a tooth” so my parents calm down a bit but are still freaking out and ask what happened and my response is “ I lost a tooth apparently and got a bloody nose.” I got a bath new pjs and 15 bucks all in one night at 12:00 am on a Monday and still had enough energy for school along with a story of how I gave my parents nightmares of a bloody child.

Left beef

Time is edible but it will give you stomach problems.

:D

*Sweats* well that’s one way to go around a divorce

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, “Did you see me rob this bank?”

The man stammered, “Yes.”

Bang!  The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the wife and demands, “Did you see me rob this bank?” The wife quickly responds, “No….but my husband did!”

Pineapple: sticky pineapple chicken & Hawaiian Pizza

name 2 foods with the same ingredients that otherwise bear no similarities whatsoever?

18 knees good to know

Is anybody up for giving me their kneecaps I need bowls