Dear Ms.,

Dear Ms.,

I'm still fairly new to flr, with many ups & downs, on again-off again attepmts.... We started about 4 years ago, at my husband's request, I have been pretty vanilla my whole life, so it's been a bit challenging for me. When we do really get in to it, I very much enjoy it, and more so, enjoy the way he treats me in return. It gives me a great sense of power and confidence. We also have a busy life- work full time, house projects, 4 kids ( 3 out of the house now).

One of the things that I have enjoyed (which brings him great emotional & mental pleasure) is dressing him in lingerie, especially when we are home alone & he can wear just that around the house. He enjoys being humiliated, which in turn makes him vulnerable, and more willing to serve. I myself, do not like being humiliated and made to serve, therfore, it has been hard for me to become comfortable with giving him tasks in this aspect. I was wondering if you might have any advice in this area?

Hi you,

I just want to say first off to everyone reading this, the sender of this ask even though she has a blank blog is a genuine woman looking for advice about her FLR and I have verified this in private D.M's between us. I advised her to send her message on an ask so she could interact with the wider FLR community here on Tumblr to get the best advice possible.

OK, so for me reading this it sounds like a FLR is something you both want and enjoy and are wanting to take it to the next level but life and inexperience are getting in the way of a stronger more defined dynamic between you both.

I would suggest having a sit down with hubby one night when you can find an evening together with no distractions and you can focus on just you two. Dont be nervous, you already know hubby is interested and wanting you to take the reigns in your relationship together as it was him who initially came to you with the idea of a female-led-relationship to begin with. Have him kneel in front of you wearing the lingerie you describe while you sit on the comfy sofa or main chair of the living room with a drink of your choice.

Explain to him if he really wants this going forward things have to change or you wont be dominanting him as this on-off situation that's happening isn't fair on you mentally and emotionally. If your hubby is genuinely submissive and wanting you in charge on hearing you say this his eyes will light up and his cock stiffen you can be sure of it and sure you now have his undivided attention. It may be that he is not genuinely submissive and just wants the occasional kinky play with you. If that is the case then unfortunately a well established, well maintained FLR will be impossible to achieve with him.

The conversation you are about to have with him will tell you which he is but I suspect he will be a genuine submissive as it was him who researched FLR and approached you with it to begin with. Remind him of this and explain this is not a game for you anymore and you will be making some changes to effect and establish this once and for all. Remember FLR is about you, the woman, there's no right or wrong way its just your way. Ofcourse you can talk with him to learn what makes him tick as a submissive and you should absolutely do this and use his kinks to control and reward him, have him write down what he would like to try with you or get him rebloging stuff here on tumblr that hes into, its a window into his subby mind for you to study and gauge, ofcourse you dont have to participate in all of them and use his kinks sparingly as a control method, the bottom line is, this is all about you, your comfort, pleasure and direction for you both. Explain this to him and lay down the law with him about what you expect around the house, in public and the bedroom.

Lay down some basic rules you expect him to follow and build from there, don't have to many to begin with as it will become a chore for you to police them all, we all have busy lives and responsibilities outside of kink so don't worry about that, your FLR is between you and him and nobody else. Make it clear what you expect from him and how you expect him to behave in those vanilla moments and leave the whips and chains for when it's just you two.

Say to him you are going to re-set your FLR with these new basic rules going forward and you are willing to have a trial run for a month with these new rules and behaviours from him in place and if he can't keep to them then maybe a FLR is not for you. Again notice his arousal when you are firm, direct and curt with him and do be, to the best of your ability, he needs that as a submissive, his arousal at your firmness will be the confirmation you need he is truly a submissive. Lucky you 😉

Lastly are you using a chastity device in your dynamic, if not I highly recommend. Once hubby orgasms you will notice his submissive feelings take a nose dive, this is very common with all male submissives and is known as sub drop. Not what you want and is probably the reason you are currently on-off. Bottom line is, restrict his orgasms to once a week if you are just starting out with chastity and build up to once a month. Trust me a chastity device is a game changer for you and will maintain his submission to you like nothing else. Let him know you are in conversation with other Dominant woman here about what to do with him but don't let him read your exchanges with us, again notice his arousal at this. Then bring up chastity with him in a few days, he'll beg for it and the control it gives you over him. 😁

Finding a chastity cage and getting him fitted and wearing it is a whole other article but if that's something you do want to explore with him and I highly recommend you do send me a separate ask on the subject.

Don't rush things and take it slow, FLR is a journey not a destination and we are all on that journey at different stages and progression within the FLR spectrum. Remember it's all about you the woman and how you see your own personal brand of FLR with your subby hubby. You can take this as far or not as you wish, don't judge other dynamics by your own, FLR is very personal and we all have different circumstances to balance.

Good luck, keep me updated please and I'm always here to chat. There are also tons of blogs, books and articles on the subject so do a little research of your own if you want to. You can also click the #advice and #chastity at the bottom of my pinned post for further reading of my own blog. Just bare in mind my FLR is much further down the line in progression than your own currently.

@nice-predator @barefootdomme we would love and appreciate your thoughts.

MS x