Source.

Natalie Portman

A Really Fucking Vulgar Guide to Not Losing Your Shit in College (Condensed Version)

Bitches love to put things into lists. Moreover, bitches love numbered shit. Here’s some numbered shit in list format to help you not suck in higher education. You’re welcome.

1. Go to class. Like 210% serious. I don’t give a shit if you’re a get by on nothing, A+ slacker. You’re fucking paying for this crap so you might as well get the services owed to you. Take your ass to class even if you zone out 99% of the time. You know 1% more than you did when you walked up in there. Congrats, asshole.

2. All that free time you have during your first week of classes? Make it your bitch. Don’t just print the goddamn syllabus and be like all done. No motherfucker. Take a good fucking look at that assignment list. What’s due next week? Yeah, do that shit now bc I know you don’t have anything else to do. Then when you’re coughing up a lung six weeks into the semester and don’t feel like getting your ass up to do that calculus homework, you’ll remember this week. You’ll remember that you’ve been a week ahead this whole damn semester. Pat yourself on the back, ass wipe.

3. Prepare yo self. No seriously. You got notes to print for class? Sure you could be like all those other bitches and just shove them into your backpack, or you could actually /prepare/ for class. I’m talking looking that shit over, identifying key concepts, getting a decent grasp of the material before your ass is even in class. You a STEM major? Yeah, make this kinda shit your life because now class is like one bomb ass group review session. Again, you’re welcome.

4. Snack like a motherfucker, but save that junk food shit for the weekends. From now on, you are a fucking health guru during the week or if you’re a slacker like me, at least on the days you have class. Fruits? Hell yeah. Pack some of those. Mind wandering in class? Snack on some apple slices. Can’t stay awake? Keep eating some almonds or some shit, but don’t be that bitch with the potato chips. Just don’t.

5. Read. Yeah, you heard me. Read and I’m not just talking assigned reading. I bet my left butt cheek that your campus library has /something/ of interest to you. Commuting and don’t want to drive out there? Library databases bro. We’re in the digital age, motherfucker. I’d bet my other butt cheek that the shit you want is in a nice little PDF somewhere. But na man, you thinking maybe you want to go into computer science? Check out computer science books and eat them up bro. You don’t like reading them? Probably not the field for you. You a biology major in your second year? Yeah dumbass. Time to break out the bio books and not the ones your professor is shoving in your face. Amaze your friends and teachers with your out of class knowledge. Be a fucking star.

a reminder as we head into the new year :-)

Please tell me it's okay that I just failed a class. I came this far, then bombed a big project and it's an automatic fail. I had to drop the class.

FUCK YES. ITS OKAY TO FAIL.

Sometimes we try and try and try but in the end we still fail. I honestly have been there so many times.

I did an assignment for cognition last year. I started on the first day and spend A LOT of time on it. Guess what? I got 10%.

I did a stats test before and I spend a shit load of time studying and doing past papers. Guess what? I got 0. A big fucking zero.

I spent 4 years swimming and going to every single training session. Guess what? At every race I got LAST PLACE. 

I spend 2 years doing table tennis. Every session we had competitions against my team mates who were 4 years younger then me. Guess what? I lost every session, every competition to EVERYONE.

When I fail, I literally sob my eyes out because it fucking hurts. It hurts because I have tried so hard and got nothing. It hurts because everyone who tried less seemed to have done much better then me. So then I start asking myself “why do I even bother trying?!”

And then slowly these things will start creeping up on me:

If I didn’t try then I might have failed worse

There is literally no where to go but up now

Now I know where I went wrong. Now I can try TWICE as hard.

Fuck this piece of paper. In the end its just a piece of paper. I am alive and well and I am not going to let a piece of paper to defeat me. 

Whatever it takes. Even if I fail again, I am going to crawl back up on my hands and knees.

Does it work? Honestly, sometimes. Failure still hurts but I am crawling up. I am crying but I am still going. Tomorrow, I will wake up having failed but it will hurt less. Tomorrow I will try and try and try again. 

one of my lecturers printed us a step-by-step guide to writing an essay for an assignment we had. i decided to type it up and share it with you guys. i think for the most part it is really useful and a super simple way to break down your essay. hope this helps :~)

you know, life doesn’t have to be competitive. you don’t have to get in the very best university; you don’t have to get the highest paying career there is. you don’t need to compare and compete with everyone else in the world. you need to do what’s right for you. you need to relax, take a breath, and say ‘what do i want, for myself, to live as i want to’. and, if that involves high ambitions, then that’s fine. because you chose those ambitions on what you desire as an individual, and not on what is expected in order to succeed. let’s be ourselves this year.

I am really relieved that I didn't flunk any subject from my first year *phew* But my grade point wasn't that great. So this year I am going to work work work.

This is the first article under the 3 part series of Taking Control Of Your Life. To view the other articles under this is series head here!

Ever had that weird feeling when you’re sitting (or peeing) and suddenly it’s like you’re losing everything? (I mean, ok, you’re losing your pee, lol). Everything just becomes too much, and you either prepare to cry, (bonus points if you curl up in a fetal position, ‘cause on the toilet seat that’s practically gymnastics) or grab a bag of popcorn, your midnight bathroom snack, not caring that you’re going bonkers (I respect that, you da hood). Except for the buttered popcorn, nothing about it is fun, yet it’s happened to every single one of us.

To cut short this intro, here’s how NOT to lose your shit. It’s time to take complete ownership of your life (someone cue the dramatic music, I don’t have a stereo. #BROKE-AF).

Someone amazing once said “your brain is your most valuable tool.” That’s true. Once you learn how to control your mind, you will start to see that we, being the dumb idiots that we are, over-complicate the simplest of things. You’re not losing your shit (but finish that popcorn anyway). Your mind just convinced you that you are. My wise friend once said that it’s either you directing your mind or it’s the other way around. Show your mind who’s boss and conquer it. Here’s how:

Don’t make excuses. Not only does it piss off Miss Honey and your dog (your dog has better things to eat, my dude), but it robs you of the opportunity to learn from your mistakes. As I always say, life is not a report card. It’s never perfect, and it’s the little flaws that push you to aim higher. In the end, life is just growth as a human being (or as a basic hoe, like me). Here’s an example of taking full responsibility for your actions:

 Action: You didn’t submit your essay on time.

 Normal response:  “I didn’t know about the essay.”

                               “My dog ate up my entire computer.”

                               “I was saving the world from zombies.”

Conqueror talk: “I didn’t get in my essay, for that no excuse is valid. I have learned from this and you can expect better next time.”

Miss Honey will be pleased.

I’m a firm believer that emotions hinder productivity. Now, don’t get me wrong, emotions are great. There are many things to shed tears on. Tris from Divergent died. Trump became President. You just got friend-zoned. It’s great to have emotions in cases like these. But when it comes down to getting work done, it’s better to have a firm control over them.

Imagine finishing that crappy essay 3 mins before your deadline when Sophia from book club comes up all like “Did you hear what Archie just said to me? He’s such a jerk.” That’s torture. Honestly, it’s a miracle we get team assignments done because there is always that one friend who’s either crying over her ex or dying over how cute puppies are.

When working, choose productivity over pride. The reason being, it not only affects your quality of work by distracting you but also makes you the 90 year old grannie shouting from behind in the supermarket line. People legit fly away in the other direction when they see you.

But of course, in other cases, go ahead and release the waterworks. I’m still crying over Mufasa’s death anyway.

(I’m about to get deep, wearing that diving suit, alright). Conquering is hard. There’ll be days when you’ll feel like doing anything but that boring report Miss Honey assigned. Like, who cares whether the Nile or the Amazon is longer?

However, the mindset of a conqueror is so strong that the little demon called procrastination doesn’t stand a chance. You’ll see us partying the whole weekend because we already slayed ‘em rivers and hunted down those fishies Friday. Wanna join in? Here are some aspects of the conqueror mindset: 

Procrastination isn’t allowed. We understand that procrastination not only wastes precious time but basically means partying on a guilty mind. We would rather be that person drinking all them shots than be Abby sitting in the corner, worrying about her calc HW.

Discipline. Every conqueror knows that things need to be done at the right time (and in the right way, of course). Playing slither.io is great, but if you’re hooked for 7 hours and your poor report on rivers has turned into a dust bunny, then mate, you are not conquering. Get up and get the job done already.

Time management. It’s 11:58 pm. Your report (lol, get a grip mate) has finally been wiped of all that dust, and you’re settling to start on it. You open the first page of the assignment and have a mini heart attack. It says: Bring in by 12 am, xx Feb ‘18). To become a conqueror, hence, you must learn to travel back in time. JK. To become a conqueror, it’s important to value time because it’s priceless. A year from now, those hours you spent eating all that snake kill in slither.io won’t mean shit, but if you grind, if you choose to work hard, then every single moment will be memorable and pay off.

So, how do you do it? Ok, grab your notebook, grab your cauldron, and jot down. Let’s see what we got here… ‘Add a horn of bicorn’ and just a little bit of -what’s that- salamander blood?” *Potion explodes* Um, sorry for that mess. *Waves wand to clean*

Point is, there’s no secret spell to becoming disciplined and focused. Put down that wand, please. I’ll explain.

If you truly want to take control of your life, you must know your why. Why do you want to? Maybe you’re sick of procrastinating and letting yourself down? Maybe you’re tired of being a couch potato and want to get that ass to the gym? Maybe Abby wants to drink them tequila shots too? Because unless you really want it, you won’t get it. It’s important to know your why and let it lead you into battle as your motivation.

In short, you have to be a superhero (I choose to be Superwoman!) and learn to conquer your life before you save Kim from the fire. Your life is truly valuable, and here’s a secret: If you want to get results you have never gotten before, you’re going to have to do things you’ve never done before. Everyone gets the same 24 hours in a day, the same opportunities, and the same chances to follow their dreams. They just make different choices. If you choose to re-watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S. for the 58th time while balancing chips in one hand and popcorn in the other, our world will lose one of its heroes.

But if you do decide to put on that superhero cape, I’m with you. Kim, hang on. We’re coming for you.

want to read more? view the other masterposts in the series “get your shit together, you are here to conquer.” :-

general tips for getting your shit together

loving yourself and letting go of negativity

understanding the meaning of your life

Well, it’s a wrap! I post new articles every week (the schedule’s up on my blog’s front page) so you can follow me if you are interested in killing the game & conquering life bc I’ll do my best to help you in the tough yet amazing journey called life.

If you want to go thru my blog, I would rec picking your choice of post from my masterpost list! Or, if you want to read something insightful on your cozy Sunday afternoon while chilling under blankets, I would recommend reading one of my interviews. + You can also request a blog post! For that, leave your question in my ask box!

I hope you are well, stay strong and conquer life, you conqueror.

- nandini (´｡• ᵕ •｡`) ♡

Things that keep me going😚