(take These In Any Direction)

(take these in any direction)

popular interview styles, stuff like:

the buzzfeed puppy interview or 73 questions, or if your feeling chaotic, celebrity skin care routines or something else entirely…

(Please excuse how long this took. I ended up watching a lot of these interviews so I could get the format down. It is very chaotic. Anyway—)

SO THERE’S THIS FUNKY LITTLE AURA TO EVERY BRUCE WAYNE INTERVIEW

And that aura is a trembling little chihuahua in a sweater. Let’s begin :)

There are multiple compilations of Bruce Wayne looking uncomfortable or awkward in interviews. It’s become a meme in Gotham.

He doesn’t know how not to be awkward. Let’s put it that way.

They always have to double mic him because he mumbles so much.

99% of the time, he looks like would rather be anywhere but in that chair.

So why do them? Two reasons:

1. to promote any charity or other humanitarian project that Wayne Enterprises is leading

2. he lost a bet to Alfred

The first reason is just business ofc, but interviewers will STILL always try to get something out of him. (It never works.)

“So Mr. Wayne, the public’s dying to know. Are you dating anyone?” Bruce, frantically eyeing his notecards: “The turtles are going extinct.”

The second one is much funnier because Alfred takes the liberty of signing him up for the most interesting one he can find.

LIKE???

WIRED: “Autocomplete Interview”

The first of this betting tradition gone wrong.

He’s just so pure in this one

“Did Bruce Wayne adopt a son?” “Yes! His name is Richard, Dick for short, and he is the light of my life.”

“Does Bruce Wayne run Wayne Enterprises?” “Yes, but I tend to put most of my time into Wayne Tech and the Wayne Foundation.”

“How much does Bruce Wayne tip?” “I usually just ask if they have any debt they need help with or what their rent is. It’s really no bother. I like to help :)”

“How did Bruce Wayne become rich?” “I inherited a lot of money at a young age. *whispering* Please don’t ask me for financial advice.”

“Where does Bruce Wayne live?” Gotham City, New Jersey! Lovely place…just don’t look at the crime rate.”

“Are Bruce Wayne and Batman dating?” “….What the fuck?”

“Is Bruce Wayne vegetarian?” “Yes. I don’t like killing things :(“

“Bruce Wayne…parents.” “…this isn’t a question-“

VOGUE: “24 Hours with Bruce Wayne”

Alfred was SO WRONG FOR THIS ONE

“So this is my living room…I really like black.”

There’s a little counter in the corner of the video for how much he spends in a day (99% is just tipping and donating)

They attend meetings with him for the latest charity campaign.

They ask him questions while he’s being styled for a photoshoot.

The juicy bits come when night falls

He keeps trying to get away so he can do Batman things

“Oh would you look at the time! I’m going to bed.” “Isn’t your room that way?” “Wow! You’re right! I completely forgot.”

He insists that the news stays on in the background while they film the late night portion

*bat screeches in the distance* “Those darn…mice.”

Police sirens can be heard in the distance, and Bruce just so happens to go to the bathroom for an hour.

Alfred (bless him, he feels horrible for organizing this) does his Absolute Best to distract the crew

“Master Wayne, there’s a foreign investor on the phone.”

“Master Wayne, why don’t you help me prepare a late night snack for our guests?”

“Master Wayne, your son would like you to read him another bedtime story.”

“Master Wayne, your friends here seem a bit tired. Why don’t you all take a break?”

When Bruce comes back, he has this weird black residue clumped in his eyelashes. Also, he has a fresh bruise on his face? “I slipped in the shower.”

BuzzFeed: “Thirst Tweets”

(Do you really think I wouldn’t include this? Have you met me?)

Bruce thought he was doing the Puppy Interview. He was too scared to correct them.

He tries to be polite the whole time, but he’s just…so flustered.

As usual, it starts out pretty tame and wholesome

“I just wanna boop him on the nose and snuggle him in a blanket and make him hot chocolate.” “Thank you :) I do like hot chocolate.”

“Bruce Wayne is so babygirl I just wanna ball him up and chew him like bubblegum” “I don’t think I understand the first part?”

“Why aren’t we talking about how gorgeous Bruce Wayne? Nobody talks enough about how gorgeous Bruce Wayne is. He is gorgeous. Bruce Wayne. Did you know how gorgeous Bruce Wayne is?” Bruce just hides his face behind his hands and mumbles, “Thanks.”

Then it gets worse :)

“Bruce Wayne could literally snap me in half and use me as a glow stick” Slightly concerned, “I don’t want to snap anyone in half.”

“Yes, the rumors are true. I am a sl- can I read that? A [redacted] for Bruce Wayne.” “Are you sure I’m allowed to say that?”

“Bruce Wayne can suffocate me and I’d resurrect just to say thank you” “Wait no, but that’s bad. Please don’t thank me :(”

“I would eat Bruce Wayne’s ass so hard. I would do anything he asked of me” “I…I will not be asking that. What-”

“I want to suck the soul out of Bruce Wayne’s [redacted] like a gogurt.” “…is this…a public twitter account??”

“I wanna bend- …oh.” “I wanna bend Bruce Wayne over, pull his hair, make him arch his back and wreck…him like an iron fist going through a wet sheet of paper.” *blushing furiously* “…That’s a really vivid metaphor.”

BBC 1: “Kids Ask Difficult Questions”

Underrated, honestly

I have a lot feelings about this one.

As usual, their starting line is, “Of course, if you refuse any of these questions, it means you hate children.” Bruce looks terribly distraught at that notion and tries to be honest as possible

Starts with cute stuff, and he MELTS at the kids’ cute voices

“Hi, Bruce Wayne! My name’s Katelyn, and my favorite fruit is pineapple. What’s the best birthday party you ever had?” “I don’t really like parties, but my son, Dick, and I went to the zoo for my 30th birthday :) We had a lot of fun.”

“My name’s Patrick. I’m eight, and I love legos. Have you ever worked with anybody you didn’t like?” *nods furiously* “I work with a lot of people I don’t like.”

“Who would win in a fight, Batman or Superman?” *makes a face* “Batman, obviously.”

“My name’s Emily, and I love arts and crafts. What’s the last lie you’ve told?” “…I don’t hate children. I promise you, I don’t-”

“Hi Bruce! My name’s Jack, and I’m 7 year olds. How much money do you have, and can I borrow some for the book fair?” *producing his wallet out of habit* “Too much! Is like £100 enough?”

“Hi Bruce! My name’s Kitty, and I’m 8 years old :) What’s your biggest regret in life?” “I have so many regrets. *long pause* My emo phase.” “Oh, really? When was that.” “…two years ago.”

The last one breaks your heart oh god

“Hi Bruce, my name’s Darna, and I’m six. My mum told me about what happened when you were a kid. My friend’s mum just passed away, and I want to ask: What should I do to make her happy again?” Bruce gets really quiet for a moment then gently talks about grief in a kid-friendly manner. He talks about how, sometimes, it’s okay to be sad, but with the help of others, their friend can hopefully process it and move forward. “Encourage them to talk to someone if it they are still having a bad time. Thank you for trying to help your friend, Darna.”

Wayne Health just so happens to offer free grief counseling in their London and Manchester offices that same year.

First We Feast: “HOT ONES”

He suffers, and he suffers BAD

Like yes, he’s pretty good with spices (cuz he’s trained in a lot of places where spicy food is the Norm TM so he had to assimilate pretty quickly)

But he is also exactly the kind of person who would accidentally touch his face

He’s doing pretty well, barely flinching at the halfway point. Sean Evans is pretty impressed when Da Bomb is next, and Bruce barely reacts.

“How are you doing?” “Pretty good, I think? I mean, that one surprised me, but I’m fine.” “You are tearing up a little bit.” “Oh, really?” *rubs eyes without thinking*

The room goes dead quiet.

Bruce: “…[REDACTED].”

THE PAIN

Bruce freaks out and pours ice water over his eyes to flush out the heat.

It does. Not. work!!

The crew frantically tries to help but it’s too late and he’s got ice cold water all down his face and shirt now

Also he can no longer feel his eyes.

In the end, he just quietly suffers through the rest while looking like a drowned cat

Sean, worried: “Are you sure it doesn’t hurt too bad? You took that…surprisingly well.”

Bruce, in excruciating pain, tears running down his face: “I’m fine.”

Anthony Padilla: “I SPENT A DAY WITH THE RICHEST MAN IN THE WORLD”

Down-to-earth is how I’d describe this one

Anthony is just magical

He is great at matching his interviewee’s energy. It’s probably the most proper interview with Bruce Wayne that doesn’t end in disaster.

How does he do it?

Gossip.

“Now, would you say this feud Lex Luthor has started is mutual or one-sided?” “Definitely one-sided.” “Really? Do you have an idea as to why he keeps trying to slander you?” “I don’t know, but I wouldn’t consider him the most honest guy.” “What makes you say that?” “He’s made a lot of empty promises to Metropolis about improving the economy.” “*gasp* What kind of promises?” “It’s been how many years since he promised to donate $10 million to Metropolis public schools?” “Not the children!” “I KNOW!!”

“What are your thoughts on Gotham City’s famous vigilante, Batman, and his particular brand of justice?” “I think that Batman is doing the best he can for Gotham.” “Do you approve or disapprove of any of his practices?” “I don’t like when he was so violent :/“

“So I heard that you’ve become a sort of meme in Gotham.” “Oh no.” “For this segment, we’ll be going through some of the most viral photos of you on the internet. And there are a lot.” “Oh god.” “Why don’t you explain this photo and the context behind it?” *dying inside*

“Which would you say is your favorite charity to work with?” “Well, I have a lot of favorites! There is the Gotham City Disaster Relief Fund, The Real Change Foundation with Mayor Real, Food for Thought which provides free school lunches across the country. The Wayne Foundation is donating to just about everything under the sun. The Children’s Recreation Project gives money to rec centers in underdeveloped neighborhoods-“

Bruce is so relaxed by the end. A complete breath of fresh air

Anthony Padilla, bless him, is really gentle about the topic of Bruce’s parents. They only cover it for like one question, then move on, but the question is, “How has the death of your parents influenced your perspective on the world today?”

Bruce goes into a monologue about how he now has a much more personal perspective on both politics and greed. He’s made it his quest to lower the crime rate in Gotham City through his positive influence on the community: supporting the Justice system, connecting with local communities, closing the wealth gap by personally donating to homeless shelters, soup kitchens, crisis centers, and educational funds. “I used to believe that seeking retribution would take away the grief that I feel. But after the flood two years ago, and Gotham City experienced this sort of collective loss, I realized that what we need is hope for a better tomorrow. And love is always stronger than hatred.”

It’s really sweet :(

Buzzfeed: “PUPPY INTERVIEW”

This was Alfred’s apology for Hot Ones

Bruce is literally vibrating with excitement

“Where’s the puppy?” “They’re coming.” “…There’s more than one?!”

He gets trampled by them

He literally can’t breathe for a minute from how happy he is.

You know when you’re voice goes higher up in pitch the more excited you get? They literally can’t hear him. Only the dogs can.

He talks to them like they understand him, like he uses a baby voice, but it’s a completely normal conversation, but for some reason they always understand him

“Come here. Wanna sit in my lap?” “That one’s actually a bit timid.” *puppy gently tumbles into his lap* “…okay.”

*puppy yapping over Bruce’s answer* “Shhhhh…inside voice, please.” Puppy immediately quiets down to the surprise of the whole staff

What I’m trying to say is Disney Princess Bruce Wayne, OKAY??

He’s just laying on the floor the whole time while they climb all over him

“I’m sorry, what was the question?”

Watching one gnaw on his finger like a chew toy “Oh, you’re so big and strong.”

“I forgot the question. Can you repeat that?”

“And what’s your name?” “I’m gonna call you Princess :D”

They are ripping his sweater to shreds. (It costs more than a car, but does he give a shit? NO.)

Actually trying to answer the question for once: “I think I would maybe go into…” *puppy licks his face* “*tearing up* oh my god”

One of them falls asleep in his HANDS

The older dogs come in later (all courtesy of a nearby shelter) and he is so kind and gentle with them :(

They’re queuing up the next question, and Bruce literally falls asleep with a big fluffy senior dog on his chest.

(They have to wake him up. He is very groggy for the rest of the interview, but it just makes his baby voice cuter.)

“Can I adopt all of them?” Alfred, off screen: “No.” “Why not?”

He’s pouting up a goddamn storm when he is told that he can’t adopt Princess

Until, “There’s a kitten interview??!!?!? Can I do that too?”

Hence the first time ever that Bruce volunteers to be interviewed

OKAY THAT’S ALL I HAVE THIS WAS A LOT OF WORK SO PLEASE LET ME KNOW HOW YOU FEEL ISTG I READ YOUR GUYS’ TAGS LIKE THE MORNING PAPER

Thank you for coming to my TedTalk :DDDD