Practicing Witchcraft Without Relying On Pseudosciences Involves Focusing On The Aspects Of The Craft

why do i keep seeing “young!ditzy!reader” or “trophywife!reader” or stupid shit like that where authors make the ‘reader’ the most fragile person in the world??

at the end of the day, this recession theory shit is real. and it is seen clearly as day on this app.

why are the inspo pics for the oneshot just blonde and skinny white girls?? why are we making the reader sweet and innocent and fragile??

and look, there’s nothing wrong about being a blonde and skinny white girl, but after seeing the same pictures as inspo for a series or a oneshot, it gets annoying and repetitive how there’s no diversity.

also, i’m not saying every post in the “x reader” tag is like this, but they just keep popping up on my feed and i had to speak my mind about it.

please, if anyone reads this, tell me if you found the same problem or i’m just going crazy.

Dutch longsword fencer Tosca Beuming

Photographed by Martin Philippo and Andress Kools

how to start reading again

from someone who was a voracious reader until high school and is now getting back into it in her twenties.

start with an old favourite. even though it felt a little silly, i re-read the harry potter series one christmas and it wiped away my worry that i wasn't capable of reading anymore. they are long books, but i was still able to get completely immersed and to read just as fast as i had years and years ago.

don't be afraid of "easier" books. before high school i was reading the french existentialists, but when getting back into reading, i picked up lucinda riley and sally rooney. not my favourite authors by far, but easier to read while not being totally terrible. i needed to remind myself that only choosing classics would not make me a better or smarter person. if a book requires a slower pace of reading to be understood, it's easier to just drop it, which is exactly what i wanted to avoid at first.

go for essays and short stories. no need to explain this one: the shorter the whole, the less daunting it is. i definitely avoided all books over 350 pages at first and stuck to essay collections until i suddenly devoured donna tartt's goldfinch.

remember it's okay not to finish. i was one of those people who finished every book they started, but not anymore! if i pick up a book at the library and after a few chapters realise i'd rather not read it, i just return it. (another good reason to use your local library! no money spent on books you might end up disliking.)

analyse — or don't. some people enjoy reading more when they take notes or really stop to think about the contents. for me, at first, it was more important to build the habit of reading, and the thought of analysing what i read felt daunting. once i let go of that expectation, i realised i naturally analyse and process what i read anyway.

read when you would usually use your phone. just as i did when i was a child, i try to read when eating, in the bathroom, on public transport, right before sleeping. i even read when i walk, because that's normally a time i stare at my screen anyway. those few pages you read when you brush your teeth and wait for a friend very quickly stack up.

finish the chapter. if you have time, try to finish the part you're reading before closing the book. usually i find i actually don't want to stop reading once i get to the end of a chapter — and if i do, it feels like a good place to pick up again later.

try different languages. i was quickly approaching a reading slump towards the end of my exchange year, until i realised i had only had access to books in english and that, despite my fluency, i was tired of the language. so as soon as i got back home i started picking up books in my native tongue, which made reading feel much easier and more fun again! after some nine months, i'm starting to read in english again without it feeling like a huge task.

forget what's popular. i thought social media would be a fun way to find interesting books to read, but i quickly grew frustrated after hating every single book i picked up on some influencer's recommendation. it's certainly more time-consuming to find new books on your own, but this way i don't despise every novel i pick up.

remember it isn't about quantity. the online book community's endless posts about reading 150 books each year or 6 books in a single day easily make us feel like we're slow, bad readers, but here's the thing: it does not matter at all how many books you read or what your reading pace is. we all lead different lives, just be proud of yourself for reading at all!

stop stressing about it. we all know why reading is important, and since the pandemic reading has become an even more popular hobby than it was before (which is wonderful!). however, there's no need to force yourself to be "a reader". pick up a book every now and then and keep reading if you enjoy it, but not reading regularly doesn't make you any less of a good person. i find the pressure to become "a person who reads" or to rediscover my inner bookworm only distances me from the very act of reading.

so I go to animation school now

𝑺𝑪𝑬𝑵𝑨𝑹𝑰𝑶  𝑷𝑹𝑶𝑴𝑷𝑻𝑺.

↬   OF  FAIRYTALES,  FOLKLORE  AND  FAEKIND.

scenarios  inspired  by  various  settings,  encounters  &  magic  tucked  between  pages,  fashioned  by  the  author.

+   feel  free  to  change  pronouns  /  roles  !

FAIRYTALES.

‘  let  me  guess,  you  thought  a  true  love’s  kiss  would  help  you.  ’

‘  you  will  always  follow  the  trail  in  the  wood,  and  it  will  guide  you  on  the  same  path,  to  the  same  cottage,  the  same  witch.  it  will  always  be  your  undoing.  ’

‘  i  have  never  seen  a  more  tragic  creature.  how  might  i  help  you  ?  ’

‘  you  must  take  this  knife  and  plunge  it  into  his  /  her  /  their  heart.  ’

‘  forget  yourself.  that  is  how  you  break  your  curse.  ’

‘  remove  this  thorn  from  my  hand,  and  you  will  be  rewarded.  ’

‘  i’m  tired  of  being  a  prince.  i  think  i  would  actually  enjoy  being  a  frog.  ’

‘  tell  me  of  the  beast,  and  i  will  hunt  it  for  you.  ’

‘  mice  are  never  just  mice,  and  pumpkins  are  rarely  just  pumpkins.  ’

‘  i  don’t  think  breaking  a  spell  should  be  this  simple.  ’

‘  i  never  thought  i’d  return  here,  to  the  site  where  it  all  began.  ’

‘  are  you  an  orphan  ?  it’s  just  that  they’re  always  finding  themselves  in  magical  predicaments.  ’

‘  the  mirror  speaks  falsely  in  your  ear.  it  is  your  true  curse.  ’

‘  my  heart  feels  uneasy,  although  i  am  free.  is  it  supposed  to  ?  ’

‘  i’m  sorry,  it’s  just  that  i  thought  this  is  the  part  of  the  quest  where  the  animals  ought  to  start  talking  to  me.  ’

‘  of  course  i  plan  on  going  to  the  ball.  why  wouldn’t  i  ?  ’

‘  jealousy  has  made  more  witches  out  of  women  than  adam’s  rib.  ’

‘  where  has  choosing  goodheartedness  and  having  golden  hair  ever  gotten  you  ?  ’

 ‘  are  you  a  helpful  wizard,  or  the  kind  that  sits  in  a  tower  reading  moldy  books  ?  ’

‘  i’m  dreadfully  bored.  who  knew  waiting  for  a  prince  was  so  strenuous  ?  ’

‘  we  all  have  towers  we  must  leave,  and  magic  that  will  try  to  thwart  us.  ’

‘  i’m  afraid  for  the  clock  to  strike.  the  hour  will  ring  in  the  place  of  my  heartbeat  when  we  must  be  parted.  ’

‘  i  had  no  idea  carpets  could  fly.  or  pigs  for  that  matter.  ’  

‘  what  would  happen  if  the  knight  did  not  arrive  to  the  castle,  and  the  dragon  made  a  den  of  it  and  a  hoard  of  its  people  and  prize  of  its  princess  ?  ’

‘  i  sometimes  think  i  was  switched  out  at  birth,  like  a  lizard  in  a  bird’s  nest.  i  belong  somewhere  else.  ’

‘   in  another  kingdom  exists  a  throne  and  a  crown  that  is  mine  by  right.  ’

‘  if  i  did  not  wake  up  one  day,  i  would  still  be  waiting  on  a spinning  wheel,  dutifully  bored.  ’  

‘  something  in  me  knows  you  are  here  for  my  heart.  ’

FOLKLORE.

‘  in  all  the  myths  i’ve  heard,  it’s  never  been  worthwhile  to  approach  strange  sights.  it’s  best  to  turn  around  and  pretend  you  never  saw  them.  ’

‘  nothing  is  folklore  until  it  exists  longer  than  consciousness  remembers,  and  lives  in  spite  of  it.  ’

‘  i’ve  heard  your  name  before,  in  songs  and  lengthy  ballads.  ’

‘  whatever  has  led  you  here  to  me,  there  is  destiny  in  its  making.  ’

‘  the  beast  returns  every  century  or  so,  and  tries  to  devour  us.  it  will  come  again  before  long.  ’

‘  a  pretty  face  is  not  nothing.  it  earns  you  a  hearth  and  a  kind  hand,  after  all.  ’

‘  their  lips  are  red  as  blood,  and  their  teeth  carve  ruin  into  throats.  ’

‘  aren’t  dragons  supposed  to  breathe  fire  and  make  a  fuss  about  having  their  treasure  found  ?  ’

‘  someday  you  will  become  a  pilgrim,  a  saint,  or  a  favored  story,  while  i  will  be  a  voice  on  the  wind.  ’

‘  the  stories  say  brides  don’t  live  to  the  light  before  demons  devour  them.  why  should  i  become  one  ?  ’

‘  there  was  another  girl  like  you  once,  in  a  small  town  like  this  one.  i  can’t  remember  if  she  became  the  monster  or  died  trying  to  escape  it.  ’

‘  remember  to  festoon  the  hearth  with  garlic,  or  rosemary,  or  one  of  those  mundane  herbs  that  keep  evil  out.  ’

‘  that  sounds  like  nothing  but  a  tall  tale,  but  i’m  certain  smaller  minds  would  eat  it  up.  ’

‘  to  cross  this  bridge,  you’ll  have  to  pay  a  heavy  toll.  ’

‘  don’t  stray  too  far  from  the  path  set  before  you,  or  something  interesting  might  happen.  ’

‘  i’ve  passed  that  yard  of  crops  a  million  times,  but  the  crow  never  moved  from  its  post  until  this  morning.  ’

‘   it  is  as  though  ancient  fears  are  still  in  us  like  scars  or  stitches.  ’

‘  graveyards  aren’t  where  you  find  ghosts.  look  for  them  in  places  that  feel  like  memories  you  shouldn’t  have.  ’

‘  stories  reap  princes  from  peasants  as  if  their  skins  were  crops  in  the  ground.  ’

‘  what  form  does  your  fear  take  ?  surely  not  that  of  a  bear  or  a  lion.  such  things  are  too  assuring.  ’

‘  i  found  myself  where  everything  was  too  familiar  to  be  real.  ’

‘  in  safe  beds  on  cold  dark  nights,  we  learn  to  face  the  monsters  in  our  own  minds.  ’

FAEKIND.

‘  you’re  not  to  partake  in  a  fairy  feast.  don’t  you  know  it’s  the  food  that  will  devour  you  ?  ’

‘  i’m  sorry  you  did  not  read  the  eyes  of  the  trees  before  finding  yourself  here.  ’

‘  i  wish  to  go  back.  i  want  to  forget  everything.  ’

‘  you  think  that  believing  in  us  is  enough  to  protect  you  ?  that  it  will  kill  us  if  you  forget,  and  we  prey  upon  your  unknowing  ?  ’

‘  step  around  the  ring  three  times,  like  a  backwards  clock.  that’s  how  you  get  to  fairyland.  ’  

‘  i’ve  never  heard  such  sweet  music  before.  ’

‘  where  the  trees  begin  to  twist  and  groan  in  their  roots,  remember  you  must  not  make  a  right  turn.  ’

‘  i  didn’t  feel  like  i’d  stepped  into  another  world,  but  like  it  stepped  into  me.  i  knew  i  was  there  and  forgot  i’d  left  anything  behind.  ’

‘  how  amusing.  a  human  !  ’

‘  would  you  be  my  bride  if  i  were  to  take  you  into  the  ground  ?  ’

‘  i  know  of  tunnels  you  might  take,  the  burrows  of  trolls  and  rabbits.  ’

‘  don’t  take  anything  from  this  realm,  none  of  it  is  worth  the  price  of  keeping.  ’

‘  there  are  courts  by  many  titles  in  the  lands  beyond  the  veil,  all  of  them  other.  ’

‘  names  are  not  like  currency  here;  they  are  more  precious  than  diamonds  and  legacies.  ’

‘  did  you  think  all  of  us  looked  like  goblins  ?  ’

‘  getting  here  is  easy,  but  getting  home  is  quite  the  trick.  ’

‘  i  shall  give  you  a  riddle,  and  it  will  puzzle  you  until  you  know  the  answer  but  forget  your  own  soul.  ’

‘  a  bloodline  is  nothing  when  you’ve  outlived  civilizations.  ’

‘  refusing  my  hospitality  is  like  human  sin,  and  it  will  bring  worse  upon  you.  ’

‘  everything  here  is  and  isn’t,  and  things  are  and  aren’t.  ’

‘  on  lonely  nights  i  stare  into  the  trees,  and  a  strange  face  leers  back.  ’

‘  the  thrones  here  are  made  of  bones  and  blood,  and  built  upon  decay.  ’

‘  a  third  time  is  not  a  charm,  but  a  bargain.  it  says  that  you  want  something  enough  to  wager  your  sense.  ’

‘  it  is  dangerous  to  think  that  magical  beings  do  not  have  human  intensities.  ’

Truly underappreciated library resource: Kanopy!

It's a movie-and-tv streaming service that many libraries offer. If your library supports it, you can get a free account with your library card!

It works similarly to Hoopla, with monthly checkout limits, but the amount of movies and tv they have is astounding. They focus on indie movies and documentaries, but they have an impressive variety. A few days ago, some friends and I watched an experimental Afrofuturist queer surreal-cyberpunk musical movie just to try it, and it was a strange and fascinating experience that I wouldn't have gotten anywhere else. (Neptune Frost, by the way. It's interesting!)

Kanopy has animated movies like the French/North African The Rabbi's Cat (Le chat du rabbin), popular indies like The Secret of Kells, up to well-known ones like ParaNorman. It has popular quirky successes like Everything Everywhere All at Once, But I'm a Cheerleader, and Lady Bird, award-winning dramas like Moonlight, classic movies like The Graduate, Dial M for Murder, Roman Holiday, Rashomon, and Seven Samurai. It's got Charlie Chaplin. It's got some classic musicals, like Oklahoma! and Guys and Dolls. It's got classic horror like Suspiria, Nosferatu, and Night of the Living Dead, and a plethora of modern horror as well. It has cheesy old-timey sci-fi from the 50s and 60s, genuinely good classic sci-fi like The Boys from Brazil, cult classics like Donnie Darko, modern feel-good quirky sci-fi like Jules, and just, a WHOLE lot of super interesting creative modern indie sci-fi to browse. It has documentaries. It has quite a lot of PBS and BBC series. It has anime. It has all of Farscape for some reason. It has a really impressive collection of LGBTQ+ film from around the world.

See if your library offers Kanopy, and browse the genres you like - you are sure to find something fascinating that you had never heard of before!

the suffering never ends

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Writing Romance: Courting

Prior to the 20th century, most couples engaged in courting politics to find their partners, and there were a lot of rules about how to properly court your intended partner. So I figured I’d put out a guide to proper romancing etiquette for those setting their stories in more antiquated settings. But a lot of these courtship practices don’t work as well for same-sex relationships. So, I’ll go through some of the rules for courtship that apply to any story that wants to use courting romances, then I’ll explore ways this could work for a queer couple.

Gender Dynamics in Queer Courtships

Gender is a HUGE aspect of courtship, as the expectations of men and women were starkly different. This leaves queer couples with two choices: either conform to the gender roles, or make the roles more generalized that both parties are expected to uphold. Whichever route you take, be consistent. Not just with queer couples but heterosexual ones as well. If a lesbian barmaid can chase skirts, why can’t a heterosexual seamstress chase chaps?

If you choose to lean into gender roles and active vs passive roles in courtship, I believe it is best to leave it that the one of higher social status takes on the role of the female, as it would be uncouth for a Duke to be chasing lowly Viscounts. Those looking for a higher status husband should be the one working to win the Duke’s affections. While one could argue that the one of higher status should be the active pursuer, the thought of a queen chasing skirts simply fails to capture the regal dignity of the position when we think on it. It seems more in line with the properness and decorum of the era to have the elite have the suitors come to them.

Even if you do away with the gender roles in favor of gender equality in relationships, social status and rank would still be enough to impact the active vs passive roles. A prince looking for a spouse will always be more passive, while his knights, dukes, and counts vie for his affections. Meanwhile, a lowly Baron will almost always be in pursuit of a match. This follows the Order of Precedence, a real life rule of etiquette  that states that those of lower status are the ones introduced to someone of higher status. So before a Baron can speak freely with a Prince, someone must introduce the Baron to the Prince and never the other way around. If the Baron is being introduced to a group, they will be introduced in ascending order of rank. The Baron will first be introduced to the Count, then the Duke, and then the Prince. This is why in many court scenes, someone will introduce a character to the king before they speak to one another.

But what if they’re of equal status? What happens when a prince is seeking another prince to be his husband? While they have equal titles, a prince of a tiny, less powerful kingdom is more likely be the pursuer to the prince of a bigger, wealthier kingdom. It’s also unlikely for a prince who is 1st in line to inherit his throne would marry a prince who is also the heir apparent to his own kingdom, unless they were looking to combine their countries into a new alliance. Otherwise, a first born prince is more likely to be chased by a second born prince who won’t inherit his kingdom. Likewise, in a relationship between two Dukes, the one who is higher in the line of succession to the crown would be the one to be pursued by the one lower down the line of succession. TL;DR: Whoever has the bigger house is the one getting pursued by suitors. However, do keep in mind that admittance to the royal palace is strictly by invitation only, so that does make things tricky. But visiting royalty often do have an open invitation to the royal palace. So while a Duke courting a prince would need an invitation to call on the prince for his hand in marriage, the Prince of Belgium would likely be just down the hall from the Prince of France’s quarters, giving him much easier access to court the Prince du Sang of France.

Presenting at Court

When a young gentleman or lady had come of courting and marrying age, their parents would petition to have them present at court, though people could also be recommended by other nobility. This was an effective way for some to social climb, being recommended by someone of much higher status and impeccable reputation can skyrocket their child into an advantageous position. These events would be held at the palace multiple times per year, and were invite only. The Lord Chamberlain was in charge of going over the guest list with the utmost scrutiny, and nobody would be permitted who did not have a pristine and stainless record.

Men of good social standing would present at court at formal events called Levées. They would present before the King or Prince. In the event that there were two queens or otherwise no living males of the royal family, they might present before the highest ranking male in the line of succession, or otherwise just present before the Queen. In the Victorian Era, men wore buckled shoes and swords to both a Levée and a Presentation. They had to wear either court dress or a uniform. So, if he was a soldier, he might present at court wearing his finest military dress uniform.

Presenting at court for girls were much less imaginative, only being called a Presentation. They were expected to drag long trains behind them, to bow and address the queen flawlessly, and then leave the room without fumbling over her dress or shoes. Like with the Levées for the gentlemen, these events would be held multiple times per year, and multiple girls would present on the same day, meaning that all of the girls would be compared. The better she performs, the more desirable she will be. Some men might be charmed by a little clumsiness, but it was generally seen as extremely important for a girl to make a great first impression on the court as a lady of courting and marrying age. This is also why the presentation itself is rather short. There’s a lot of girls to get through, and the queen’s a busy lady.

Someone who was already of marrying age but marries into higher status would be expected to present at court after the wedding. As a king and queen had the power to bestow titles on people at their leisure, it was not impossible for an older married woman to be made a high enough status to make her formal debut at court, and older women had different expectations when making their debut, such as styling themselves differently, and wearing different colors. Thus if, for example, a lowly washer woman saved a nobleman’s son from drowning, she might be rewarded by being recommended for a title like Lady or Baroness and being allowed to present at court. Regardless of age, the presentation mostly serves as an introduction of a new face at court to the rest of high society.

The Rules for Men

Men were encouraged not to flirt with everyone they found attractive, as being too friendly might earn them a reputation that hurts their social image. Guidelines to courtship from the Victorian Era makes it clear to young men that not every girl will be interested in his pursuit of her, and that he should take a lack of positive response to any advances as his cue to move on, lest he embarrass himself or his family.

Never allow a woman to be uncertain of your feelings and intentions. Women were permitted some leeway with acting coy, but for a man to toy with a woman’s affections was seen as improper. Once a man is aware a woman mistakes his attention for affection, he is to quickly, yet politely, lay bare his true feelings. In a similar vein, a man should never make any declaration in jest, whether expressing love or proposing marriage, any attempt to make such grand declarations as a jest does grave disservice to the woman, and will earn him great dissent and contempt from those of good breeding and high social standing. This second rule also extends to the fairer sex, and is just universally sound advice when navigating romantic entanglements.

A man must put out his cigar in the company of women, which also meant that if a woman approaches him to engage him in conversation, he must discard it, regardless of how expensive it was.

When greeting a woman in public, a man should tip his cap in a polite manner, though if she stops to talk to him, she will extend her hand to him. In this case, he must remove his hat with the hand farthest from her, and take her extended hand with the one closest to her. If they are well acquainted, he might bestow the back of her hand with a quick kiss before letting go of her hand. He would then be expected to walk with her as they converse. If he has somewhere to be or the conversation has reached a natural ending, he should politely excuse himself, and wait for her to say her farewells before he leaves her company. If he simply cannot stop to talk, he should make his urgency clear, and apologize before carrying on, still being sure to tip his hat in a show of politeness.

The Rules for Women

Accepting gifts from a suitor is dangerous. If a suitor brings you a gift and you accept it, it indicates that you are interested in their advances. Being too accepting can also cause a man to continue to shower you with gifts, which could be seen as greedy. If disinterested in the suitor, it is advised to decline his gift. However, it’s best to try and decline his gift in a courteous manner, as a calous decline will earn you a reputation for a foul temperament, which may discourage other suitors.

An unmarried woman should never be outside alone. She should always be in the company of a companion, chaperone, parent, or legal guardian. This is a means of protecting women from being set upon by unscrupulous men.

Even while courting one another, an unmarried woman should never be alone in the company of a man outside of her immediate family. This usually meant that any sort of date the pair might go on will always be supervised from afar by a parent or chaperone, such as a lady-in-waiting or a governess. The young couple would usually be left some leeway to conversate privately, so long as they were within clear eyesight of the woman’s caretakers, and close enough for them to step in should the man act dishonorably toward her.

A man will come to call upon a woman he is interested in pursuing, meaning that he will come to her house in order to pitch woo or charm her. This is to ensure she is in the safety and protection of her family, so as to prevent her from being done ill by the man where her family cannot protect her. As such, a woman would never call upon a man or go to his residence. In a queer relationship, this is simply swapped to the one of lower status coming to the house of the one of higher status. Although, due to the role of status, the suitor will require an invitation (either specific or open) to come a-courting on the object of their affections.

Women would often have a dance card which indicated who she intended to dance with at an upcoming ball. She’d save a dance for the host, and likely also her suitor. Any special guest of the ball would likely also be afforded a dance. If she has multiple suitors, she would be expected to dance with all of them, and not to spend her entire evening doting on only one of them. It was also seen as improper for her to dance too often with the same partner, regardless of whether she was looking for a spouse or not. If she was the guest of honor, it might be expected for her to share more than one dance with the host, possibly sharing the first and/or last dance with him to start or close out the night. Sometimes at dances, the guests would know the music selection and dances ahead of time, and women would have the music or dances on their dance cards. While I don’t know if it was done historically, I don’t think it would be too unorthodox for a man to write a woman ahead of a ball (assuming he’s familiar enough for such audacity) and request that she save a specific kind of dance for him. If his Waltz is shabby, but he does a marvelous Minuet, he’d want to be sure his dance with a possible match would be a dance he’s more proficient with. A lady might fill up her entire dance card ahead of time, but she’d more often than not leave a spot or two open to allow for more spontaneity. As dance cards were only used by women, I don’t know if they’d be used by gay men in courtship or not. Queer people at a ball however might wear something to indicate their preference in dance partner. A visual cue to let the gentlemen know that the Baroness of Arendale doesn’t have much interest in dancing with men.

Courting in Public

Courtship, especially among the upper class, was predominantly undergone during the Social Season, which in the UK ran from March until September, and included a wide variety of events and activities including balls, picnics, dinner parties, and sporting events. During the social season, every personage of noble blood would gather in a central location, usually the capital. These were not the only times during the year when people courted, it was more akin to a feeding frenzy for eligible bachelors, largely due to all of their marital options being assembled for the season, making it much easier to find someone to his liking.

It was wildly scandalous to show public displays of affection. That was to be reserved for private life. As such, suitors would instead exchange gifts, photographs or locks of hair instead of kissing or holding hands. For a queer relationship, it might be allowable for suitors to give one another their clothing, jewelry, weapons, or armor, either in their entirety or a particular piece of it. However the intimacy of sharing garments would likely be reserved for couples that have been courting for some time, and would be ill-advised as a first gift to one’s admirer.

At a ball or other such party, if someone catches your fancy but you’ve never met them before, it is impolite to speak to them until the host or hostess has formally introduced you to one another. Even if you dance with them, it is ill-mannered to speak to them during and after the dance if neither of you have been introduced to one another.

If someone insults your suitor, a gentleman should be ready to act the part of a knight and defend his lover’s honor. If his partner initiated the conflict, it is advised for a gentleman to apologize on their behalf, though not so meekly as to offend their lover or besmirch their honor. If another man is looking to start a quarrel, a gentleman should not return his hostilities, as a foul temper and lack of self-control is an indication of ill manners and poor breeding, bringing you down to the other man’s level.

A gentleman should always carry his lady’s luggage, and on the sidewalk, takes the side closest to the street to keep his lady’s dress from being splashed with mud or water, or to keep her safe should a wayward horse, carriage, or car veer off the street, it is more likely to strike him than her.

A couple talking in public must speak succinctly, poignantly, and softly. Long drawn-out conversations were best for private, whereas in public, it was unwise to spend one’s entire evening conversing with a single person, unless it is well-known the severity of their entanglement. It was considered ill-manner to speak excessively or too loudly as to disturb others.

Matchmaking and Gold-Digging

Due to eldest sons getting the entire inheritance of his father, women seeking to court would seek out eldest sons who would be coming into their family fortune, while sons left out of the inheritance would be more willing to marry below their station in pursuit of rich heiresses whose wealth would keep them in the lifestyle to which they have grown accustomed. Likewise in a queer relationship, wealth and power would likely effect the interests of relationships, and differences in inheritance laws might also change the power dynamics in courtships. If a daughter can inherit the full control of her father’s mercantile empire, she’s going to be fighting off second-born suitors with a stick, regardless of gender.

I mentioned above the Levées and Presentations that young nobles would go through when entering the public sphere of the court. Parents of other noble families would often be in attendance of these parties, and if a presenter impressed them, they may approach the parents and suggest a courtship between their children. This is less of an arranged marriage, and more the parents steering their children to give each other a chance. It’s much closer to playing matchmaker than paying 5 cows and a corn mill for someone’s daughter. The children could still decline the courtship out of lack of interest or an absence of chemistry, so long as they settled things politely. 

Watch Bridgerton

While Bridgerton is by no means a perfect replica of historical courtship, as its Diamond of the Fresh Water is largely a creation of the show, things such as the calling of suitors, the responsibility of first-borns compared to second-born and third-born sons, marital entrapment, and elevating one’s status is very well executed. If you want to write period romance, Bridgerton is an excellent resource to take inspiration from. It’s a great way to see these mechanics in action and hopefully watching it will spark something in your own imagination.

While that was a lot of information, I do hope it is something you found helpful. Most of the rules are much harsher on upper class characters, but most people who write historical romances are more interested in the romance between the countess and the duke, rather than the washer woman and the fisherman. I will also admit this is not a flawless breakdown, as I could have easily missed something. Still, as someone who loves period dramas and historical costume, I couldn’t leave such a tantalizing topic untouched.