The Consequences Of Desire

what is going grocery shopping with you favorite bachelors like? <3

hi anon!!! thank you so much for the ask, this was so fun to write! :D <3

grocery shopping with your bf !

featuring sam, sebastian, alex ♡

⊹₊⟡ sam

growing up, he hated being dragged to the grocery store with his mom, trudging up and down aisles filled with wheat-bran something and green-bean blah

working at jojamart certainly didn't help things either, being constantly surrounded by stockrooms filled with corporate glop

but ever since he's started dating you, and the two of you went on your first official grocery trip™ as a couple, he has gone off the RAILS

always throws something random into the cart, every single trip, without fail

you have to wrangle him around sometimes as he tends to wander off whenever something catches his eye

you're browsing an assortment of breads when he suddenly gasps loudly, nearly scaring the living daylights out of you as he runs over to a precarious-looking display

"cactus fruit joja cola?! that's a thing now??!"

yes, you obviously had to buy a pack. you spoil him too much.

he's always happy to be there, even through the "boring" parts

as you ponder over what kind of sugar to buy ("there's more than one type of sugar? are they all yummy?") he does his best to be helpful

"this one looks... strange, but i feel like we should try something new!"

"that looks like it fits your energy. your vibe, if you will. i'm sensing good vibrations from it."

"think i can pop a wheelie on the cart?" "what the hell, sam, no—" "LOOKKK! i'm doin' it!"

he always feels comfortable to let out his inner child around you, and you love him for it <3

⊹₊⟡ sebastian

just there to help you out <3

he honestly isn't in love with the thought of going out and dragging a cart around for an hour, especially since he doesn't have much preference for foods, but he'll do anything to help you

very efficient—not to end your quality time early, but so your trip can be as quick and easy as possible

"you keep getting stuck in the sweets aisle, love," he says, an amused smile on his face. "come on, let's pick one out then go get the things on our list."

watches you intently as you move up and down the aisles, making a mental note of your preferences

he's gotten it down to a science, so much so that he even takes the initiative to go shopping by himself some days to give you a chance to rest

and when you see him finally return, arms full of bags brimming with your favorite produce and snacks, your heart feels so, so full

it grows on him, the mundane, familiar domesticity of it all

to the point where he automatically tags along, walking just a step behind you as he reminds you of small items you forget from time to time

he now looks forward to spending time with his love; running simple errands with you allows him to take his mind off of the hectic outside world and his brewing inner thoughts, and he so appreciates you for it :,)

⊹₊⟡ alex

he knows what he likes and makes a beeline for it

milk, eggs, a nice ribeye... the regular protein-packed stuff

"this body doesn't maintain itself, y'know!"

he is your personal cart pusher and product grabber, even with the smallest things

and i mean SMALLEST

like he saw you eyeing a box of cereal that was just above eye-level for you, and he swooped in and threw it in the cart

he loves showing off for you, especially when the older folks passing by swoon at his heroism

but he genuinely just wants to help you out!

"don't let the praise from the grannies go to your head," you warn teasingly as he hands you the jam that you had been struggling to reach on the top shelf

he presses a quick, soft kiss to the corner of your lips at that before pulling back with a wink. "i won't, not unless it's from you."

as the two of you wait in line, he's always got his hands on you in some small way

wrapping his arm subtly around your waist, giving your temple a soft peck

or resting his elbow on your shoulder as he browses the various knick knacks on display in the checkout line

"do people still drink five-hour energies?" "i don't know, but i think you definitely shouldn't."

"aren't kinder eggs, like, illegal or somethin'?" "you down to test that?"

it's always so chaotic all around, but it's never boring, you'll give it that :)

thank you so much for reading! requests are always open~ ♡

I HAVE A CRUSH ON A BOY IN MY CLASS AND HES LIKE A YOUNG HARVEY I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE OH GOD ITS THE FIRST FUCKING DAY

GASP

Nobody's Son, Nobody's Daughter

Read it on ao3.

TW: drxg useage, alcohol consumption, kissing, light dirty talk

Fourteen. Six days. Six fucking days since I’ve kissed Sebastian. Well, a little more than kissing. We made out. A lot. But that’s as far as it went and when dawn started to creep over the mountain peak, we stopped and went back inside like nothing happened. We haven’t talked about it. Maybe it was just a spur of the moment thing. Maybe it doesn’t need to be talked about. We still hung out of course but it was like it had never happened. I’ve never felt this way about someone before, how do I bring it up without freaking him out? It would have to wait though as we were celebrating Abby’s twenty-second birthday today. The four of us were supposed to take another trip out to the city to celebrate but Caroline sprung a last minute birthday dinner on Abby so we’re going to hang out at Sebastian’s again and chill.

“If I have to hang out with my parents beforehand, then I just wanna relax,” I remember Abby saying. It was decently sunny out today with a light breeze so I was wearing a dark red sundress and a cream colored cardigan to cover my shoulders. I tied a cute little bow on the wicker basket that held a blackberry cobbler and a monster compendium. I planned on dropping it off at the Pierre’s because cobbler tastes best fresh out of the oven anyway. As I’m about to head into town, Abby bursts into the farm house.

“Hey, I was just about to go see you,” I say while tucking the basket behind my back.

“They are driving me insane!” Abby says as she sits down at my kitchen table, clearly talking about Pierre and Caroline. “I’m twenty-one! I finish school next year, I don’t understand why they insist on treating me like a child!” She buries her head in her arms and I slowly set the basket down on the table. She lifts her head up from the table ever so slightly and asks, “is this for me?”

“Happy twenty-first!” I exclaim while going into the fridge. I was gonna save this bottle of mead for later but Abby seems like she could use a drink now.

“Aw black berry cobbler! I knew something smelled good when I walked it. Oh!” She takes out the book and hugs it, “how did you know I’ve been looking for this?” she asked while smiling like a child on Feast of the Winter Star.

“I had a hunch,” I say as I set the mead down on the table and grab two wine glasses. I pour the mead half way into the glasses and we sip and talk until the sun starts to set. “Hey, Abby, what time was your birthday dinner supposed to be?” She looks up at me with droopy eyes.

“I think eight? No-seven… What time is it now?” she giggles and I lift up the empty bottle of mead. Oh shit. I glance at the time on my phone and it’s six o’clock.

“Fuck,” I stand up and take my phone off the table. I excuse myself into the bedroom and call Sam. In college, I could finish a bottle of wine or mead in a day with no issues. I should’ve taken into consideration that Abby, being freshly twenty-one, is probably a lightweight.

“Hello?” Sam answers.

“Hey so, we have a bit of a predicament,” I say.

“Predicament? What do you mean?”

“Well, you know how I was gonna bring over that bottle of mead for Abby’s birthday later?”

“…Yea.”

“I think you should just come over. Is Sebastian with you? Bring him.” I hang up before Sam can ask more questions. I go back into the kitchen and give Abby a glass of water. I also made her eat the now cold blackberry cobbler. Literally giving her anything that would soak up the alcohol in her stomach. Sebastian and Sam arrive a little later.

“Look, it's my friendssss!” Abby exclaimed. I give the two boys a weak smile and they shake their heads.

“You dumbass,” Sam says to me as he sits next to Abby, “you were supposed to save that bottle for all of us!”

“I know!” I say, “it’s just, she came over, and I figured it wouldn’t hurt to crack it open. I didn’t think we’d finish the bottle…” I sheepishly look down at the floor. Sebastian sits down next to Sam.

“Abby’s a lightweight, you didn’t know,” he says.

“Mom’s getting take outttt,” Abby says in a sing-song tone.

“I thought your mom was making dinner?” I ask her.

“Mom hates cooking. I don’t know why she made a big fuss over a birthday dinner,” she sighs. An idea came to mind and I start pulling out ingredients from the fridge.

“What are you doing, farmer?” Sam asks while patting Abigail’s back. Her head rests on his shoulder and she takes a swig of some water.

“If I make Pierre and Caroline dinner, maybe they won’t care if Abby doesn’t show up for dinner?” I suggested while pulling out tuna that I had filleted earlier as well as octopus tentacles I had also cut up.

“Gross, Farmer, you just keep that in your fridge?” Sam asks while holding his nose.

“Hey man, I caught an octopus. What else am I supposed to do with it?” I ask while dumping oil into a pot and sticking a thermometer in it. As the oil heats up, I throw the tuna into a different pan and start searing it.

“Didn’t realize you’re quite the cook, Farmer,” Sebastian says from behind me. I shrug and look over my shoulder.

“Who else was gonna cook for my sister? Seb, could you get Abby some more water?” I turn my attention back to chopping up cabbage then coating the octopus in flour. Sebastian places a hand on the small of my back while he moves around me to fill up Abby’s water from the sink. My skin tingles at his touch. The Taco was the easiest to make. Sear the tuna, spread the mayo on the tortilla, then add the cabbage and tuna. I take the basket off the table and add the tacos in there.

“You’ve gotten very cottage-core these last couple of months,” Sam says. I hear an affirming “mm” from Abby, signaling to me that she got her water.

“I guess so,” I say while dropping the flour coated octopus into the oil, “I grow my own produce, raise my own animals, and am essentially living off the land besides the occasional thing I’ll buy at Pierre’s.”

“You have two chickens and a duck,” Sebastian says, “is that raising your own animals?”

“I’ve had them since they were chicks!” I say while facing them and leaning my hip against the counter, “I’m also thinking about getting a rabbit.”

“Awwww so cute!” Abby says, sobering up a little bit. I checked the oil temperature one more time.

“Then I’ll be making my own clothes, how's that for cottage-core?” I laugh and scoop out the now fried octopus onto some paper towels and pat them dry.

“Well, what I was going to say before Seb started teasing you, is that you look happy,” Sam says as I assemble the basket, making everything look nice for Caroline and Pierre. Compared to when I first moved here, I am a lot happier. My only issue is getting my sister away from Dad. I had a feeling that he’s going to try and sink his claws into her though.

“I need you boys to take Abby back to Sebastian’s. I’m gonna drop these off and play dumb, sounds good?” The guys nod and Abby smiles into Sam’s shoulder.

“Thanks guys, I didn’t want to eat Gus’ spaghetti again.” They left and took the shortcut up the mountain while I made my way into town. If my calculations are correct, a nice gesture should make the couple forget about their, now drunk, daughter. I mean when I first met Pierre he couldn’t even remember how old Abby was. I enter their home above the shop and the two of them are sitting in front of the fireplace sipping tea.

“Hi Farmer,” Caroline says, “what brings you here?” I place the basket down beside them.

“I was fishing earlier and I made some calamari and fish tacos. Gus told me they were your favorites!” I say, giving them a simple smile and also hoping that they wouldn’t see right through me. Gus didn’t tell me directly about their favorite foods, I might have been eavesdropping at the saloon yesterday while talking to Shane.

“Oh this is wonderful! Now I don’t have to cook,” Caroline laughs.

“Speaking of,” says Pierre, “have you seen Abby?” I shrug.

“She might be at Sebastian’s. I was just on my way over there,” I say, batting my eyelashes, smiling and giggling, doing everything to make myself look as innocent as possible.

“Will you tell her that dinner’s canceled?” Caroline asks, “we’ll take her out another time. All that produce you’ve been selling to us has been making us money!”

“That’s wonderful! I do have to go though, they’re probably waiting for me,” I say and turn to leave, “I’ll see you soon!” They say goodbye and thank me for the dinner and as soon as I exit the store, I exhale. I thank Yoba all the way to Sebastian’s place. I’m greeted by Robin when I walk in through the front door.

“How’s that coop holding up? I think it’s some of my best work,” she says proudly. I agree and get to chatting with her. “You know, Sebby helps me with my work sometimes,” she says.

“I didn’t know,” I say, trying hard not to picture Sebastian swinging an axe over his head with his shirt off and his sweat glistening. I didn’t need another fantasy to push down like the one time I caught him working on his bike outside. Shirt off, skin covered in soot and oil, tattoos practically begging me to lick them. If I were smarter I would say that she’s doing this on purpose. As Robin goes to open her mouth to say something about Sebastian helping her with her carpentry, I feel a calloused hand on my wrist and a soft yank.

“No more stories, Mother!” Sebastian yells as he drags me down the stairs to his bedroom. I look back at Robin as her son drags me away and she giggles. She’s definitely doing it on purpose but not to tease me. I look down at Sebastian’s hand around my wrist. His slender fingers with the different black and silver rings on them, his manicure fresh with black nail polish with a glossy finish. I used my other hand to cover the blush creeping up onto my face. No way. No fucking way. I know we kissed and everything but what am I supposed to do with this information? When we enter his bedroom, Abby is laying down on Sebastian’s bed, curled in the fetal position, watching anime. Sam is sitting at the tea table with a can of beer in front of him, a joint between his two fingers, and a handful of cards.

“Are you watching the Ghost Stories dub?” I ask, referring to the anime.

“Huh? Oh yea! It’s a classic. Figured it would keep her entertained while she keeps sobering up,” Sebastian says and gestures over to Abby, glued to his tv.

“Well if you’re gonna stand behind me, stand closer I can’t feel it. And they wonder why I like black men!” the tv says and Abby bursts into a fit of giggles. I laugh at her giggles, knowing exactly what episode she’s on.

“Do you watch anime?” Sebastian asks as I sit down with them, he deals me a couple of cards.

“Just finished the last season of Demon Slayer. The movie is going to be so devastating,” I say as Sam hands me the joint.

“That’s Sebby’s favorite,” Sam says through a fit of coughs. I inhale and let the weed fill my lungs.

“Oh?” I sigh the weed out of my lungs. If there’s a way I could test my little theory, this would be it. “I used to cosplay as Kanroji.” I scroll through the photos on my phone as one of them coughs, like their choking. I hold the joint out for someone to take it as I keep scrolling and scrolling.

“That's- OW,” Sam says as I finally find the picture, I make eye contact with Sebastian as I show him the picture and his face turns a blush pink. But that could mean anything right? I mean the cosplay was pretty revealing…

“I used to have the best costumes for Spirits Eve,” I say with a sigh while taking my phone back.

“Wait wait,” Sam says while grabbing my phone, “where’s the snake guy?”

“Iguro?” Sebastian and I ask at the same time.

“Yea! I see a lot of people who dress like them together,” Sam says while giving me my phone back. I shrug.

“I’ve never had a boyfriend before.” The room falls silent and even Abby is paying attention to our conversation now. “Okay geez,” I say,

“I didn’t realize that was the equivalent of killing somebody.”

“Really? Like no heartbreak that caused you to hoe around?” Abby asks and I snap my heart around.

“Okay, rude! I didn’t need a reason to hoe around, I just liked sex okay?”

“No, no. Her trauma is what caused her to hoe around like that,” Sam says.

“When did this become a therapy session?” I ask while snatching the joint out of Sam’s hands.

“If I dated someone it meant I would have to bring them home to my dad. It’s not that deep, I just didn’t want someone to get that close to me,” I say while puffing the joint.

“Oh Farmer,” Sam says and opens his arms to hug me. I push his forehead back with my palm and continue to smoke the joint.

“It’s not a big deal!” I say, struggling to keep him back. Sebastian starts laughing, harder than I had ever heard him laugh before. He takes the joint out of my hand and smokes it.

“You,” he points at Abby, “sober the fuck up and watch tv. If you wanna drink with us again, figure out how to keep up without getting trashed.” Abby curls back up on Sebastian’s bed.

“Yea, Yea,” she mutters, knowing that he’s right.

“And tell the Farmer thank you for getting you out of that stupid family dinner,” he continues.

“Thank you, Farmer,” she says barely above a whisper.

“And Sam,” Sebastian continues, “if you want to play therapist then go to fucking college.” Sam opens his mouth to speak but decides against it and hands me an unlit joint instead. I thank him and light it.

“Farmer,” he says while putting out the old joint, “what are you going for Spirits eve this year?”

“All my old costumes are in the city and I’ve been so busy this year, I think I’m just gonna go as a devil,” I say, “what about you?” I ask him.

“If you’ll go as a devil, I’ll be an angel,” he says. I laugh at the thought of him in white and gold instead of his black and silver. He pouts and I try to calm myself down. “Damn, after all that defending I did for you,” he huffs and snatches the joint away from me again. “You’re cut off.”

#

Sam had left with Abby a few minutes ago. He had to get up early for work and we all agreed it looked better for her to come home late than to stay the night at Sebastian’s. Sam offered to walk me home too but Sebastian insisted that he would. I’ve come to the conclusion from his reaction to my cosplay, the little stories that Robin will tell me, from the hints that Sam gives him when they think I’m not looking. He definitely thinks I’m pretty. But I can’t understand why it’s so hard for my brain to comprehend that he might like me back. Because why would he? I have sexual experience but anything romantic I’m blind to. There were people who wanted something more from me besides sex but the thought of bringing them home to Dad made me sick and there have been people I’ve wanted more from than just sex from but I don’t think they saw me as dateable. I shiver as we walk the shortcut back to the farm.

“Cold?” Sebastian asks and before I can answer he pulls off his hoodie and gives it to me. I put it on while admiring the way his t-shirt sleeves hugged his shoulders and biceps. His hoodie was a little oversized on me and engulfed me in his scent. Cigarettes, wood shavings, oil, a bit of sweat, and some faint cologne. If they could bottle this up and sell it, I would lose all my money. We walk in silence for a bit but I decide that I have to know what that kiss was about.

“About the other day,” I start, “was that just spur of the moment or…” Sebastian laughs and digs his hands into his jean pockets.

“Oh Yoba, it definitely wasn’t spur of the moment for me. You know how hard I had to work up the courage to even touch you? Thanks for bringing it up though, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about it,” he says.

“...You…You wanted to kiss me?” I blush but hope the darkness hides it.

“Of course I did! I’m thinking about attacking those pink plump lips right now. Obviously you’ve seen how I act around you, right?” He laughs again, “you really are dense, huh Farmer?”

“You gotta spell it out for me,” I say as we walk over the highway. I knew what he was saying but I wanted him to say it out loud. Lips, teeth, tongue, vocal chords, I need him to say it.

“I’ve been thinking about how sweet you might taste since the day I met you.” I wasn’t expecting that. In that moment, I felt the lust pour out of my body but it didn’t feel like I needed to fill something. It felt like I needed to have something.

“I said spell it out. That was the whole fucking alphabet,” I say while picking up my walking pace. Teasing him. That’s all I could think to do. If you truly want me, come get me. I could see him coming for me out of the corner of my eye so I picked up my pace but he grabbed me by my waist, fingers gripping into the fabric of my dress, and I felt my feet lift off the ground. In one swoop I’m suddenly sitting on his shoulder, his arm wrapped over my lap. He looks up at me with a soft smile and once I realize I’m fully off the ground and he’s not putting me down anytime soon, I wrap my arm around his neck. “W…What?”

“Sleeper build baby,” he says as we get onto my property, “all that wood chopping does a man wonders.” It’s like he knows my every thought, my every feeling, how the hell can he do that?

“Put me down,” I say, still in shock that he could lift me that easily, “if this is what it’s like to be tall, I don’t want it.”

“Please,” he says when we reach my house, “you weren’t telling that to Shane at the concert. Watching you on his shoulders, man, I was so jealous that his head got to be between those pretty thick thighs.” My breath gets caught in my throat when he says that and my thoughts race back to when I fed him lunch that same week.

“Pumpkin soup isn’t the only thing you were hungry for?” I ask as he squats and my feet reach the ground again. His arm doesn’t remove itself from my waist though. He’s walked me home but once I let him inside there’s no recovering from what's about to happen.

“I was starving,” he says, voice lowering. A shiver runs down my spine and a shock zaps between my legs. “But not for the soup. My sleep deprived ass just needed to see you.” I bit my bottom lip as his face moved closer to mine. I was confident being the domme, the one pursuing. I’ve never been on the receiving end of it though, is this what it’s like for someone to yearn for you? His slender fingers grasp the base of my chin and I look up into his deep brown eyes. Everything about him is screaming hunger, passion, need. My skin prickles as his grip on my jaw tightens. “The thought of being in your bed made me dizzy,” he says in a near growl. I extend my lips ever so slightly but he pulls his face away. His eyes roaming over my face and body, drinking up every bit of me. “Be honest,” he says while his other hand grips my waist, he doesn’t break eye contact, “did you touch yourself after I left? You were staring at me like a dog deprived of meat.” He licks his lips, revealing the ball of his tongue piercings. Yoba, he can read me like an oracle. “Like how you’re looking at me now?” I grab the hand that’s holding my waist and bring it up to my lips to kiss the pretty rings that rest gently around his fingers.

“You’re gonna have to show me if your fingers work better than mine.”

HARV 10 HEART SCENE WILLLL BE IN TCOD I PROMISE U NOW

Harvey.

Harvey, what were we doing there for 30 minutes.

Harvey. Harvey asnwer me Harvey this is important Harvey

(Harvey 10 heart event spoilers if anyone hasn't seen it yet and is only planning)

boss makes a dollar, i make a dime. that’s why i sketch harvey stardew valley on company time.

Nobody's Son, Nobody's Daughter

TW: consumption of alcohol, light daddy issues

read it on ao3

Eleven.

Fall six. Year One. 

The chill breeze of the fall evening nipped at my cheeks and nose. I didn’t sleep much last night, haunted by why my sister is calling me and what she possibly could want. How did it come to a point where I’m afraid of my own little sister? I dress myself in a gray pleated jean skirt, old ripped fishnets that I can’t bring myself to throw away, and a simple white baby tee. I tie the outfit together with my black doc martens that I haven’t worn since college. They’re better than wearing the work boots I bought from Marlon. I make my way towards the bus stop, shuffling as I do. I didn’t realize how tired I was from lack of sleep and working on the farm most of the day. Many people are gathered at the bus stop: Sam, Abby, Penny, Emily, Maru, Elliott and Leah, Shane, and Jodi and Vincent. 

“Are you sure Vincent can come?” Jodi asks Sam with a nervous look on her face, “a metal show isn’t a place for a boy as young as him.”

“The venue is all ages, Mom,” Sam says, “Vincent sits in on band practice sometimes.”

“But you don’t use very nice words,” Jodi says and Sam rolls his eyes and squats down to Vincent’s level. 

“Vince, you know not to repeat the bad words we say, right?” Vincent nods his head.

“Mommy would be sad if I said bad words,” Vincent says.

“Very good and what else?”

“I can say bad words when I’m your age, Sammy,” he continues.

“I know you know a lot of the words to our songs but can you sing the bad words?” Sam asks.

“Not around Mommy,” Vincent says with a head shake. Sam looks up at Jodi with a weak smile, hoping to not get his ass beat. Jodi rolls her eyes.

“Fine. But if a single bad word comes out of your mouth young man, all three of us are going home,” Jodi says sternly. Both of her sons agree and that’s when Sam notices me.

“Hey Farmer! I think this is everyone, let's load up the bus.” Everyone trickles on. Pam, who’s the most sober I’ve ever seen, stops me before I get on. 

“You don’t look so good, kid,” she says. I shrug. 

“Didn’t sleep very well.” 

“Here,” she digs in her pocket and hands me a small energy drink, “drink this. It’ll keep you pumped up for the show.” She smiles at me and we all get on the bus. I sit down next to Sam, across from Jodi and Vincent. I chug the energy drink Pam gave me before realizing I didn’t see Sebastian anywhere.

“Where’s Seb?” I ask Sam. 

“Oh, he decided to take his motorcycle. Don’t ask why, I never know what’s going through his head,” Sam says with a laugh. I thought back to a conversation we had a couple weeks ago and he mentioned he liked to take his bike out at night and ride as far away as he can. It’s probably a good time for him to decompress, forget the constant demands of life for a second. 

“He must already be at the venue,” Maru says from behind us, “he left like an hour before we did.”

“Makes sense,” Sam says, “he likes to be punctual. And he said he would take care of talking with the owner and getting everything set up. Apparently this place is like half bar, half concert venue.”

“We’re going to the Julius, right?” I ask and Sam nods his head yes in response. “I love the Julius! The patio section is screened off but you can still hear the music in the bar. Sometimes I’d go in for a drink and listen to the music inside and if I was jammin’ out, I would buy a ticket and watch them. It was my favorite bar to go to in college,” I say. Plus it’s a Saturday night, people are going to end up filling out the patio. Sam has played me a couple samples of what they’ve been working on and many patrons of the Julius are alternative music fans. 

“Sick! Oh, here,” Sam says while handing me a piece of paper. “It’s the setlist. Those samples I played for you a few days ago, we also played for the manager of the bar. He thinks that his patrons will enjoy it so he gave us an extra time slot.”

“Holy shit,” I say while looking at the setlist, “there has to be like an hour's worth of songs here.” Sam beams at me with pride. The Julius is also a place where producers like to scout out new alternative music. If the band is lucky, someone might want to be in touch with them. We finally arrive at the venue where Sebastian is waiting for us. Abby, Sam, and Sebastian unload the bus while the rest of us trickle inside. I ask Jodi if she wants a drink but she’s ushered out to the patio with Vincent by a bouncer. No kids in the bar except to use the bathroom he had said to her. So I take a gamble on what she might like. She always has a glass of white wine with dinner and I figured a sauvignon blanc would do her some good. I order myself a shot of Jameson and an orange juice for Vincent. Down the bar I see Penny pleading with Pam.

“Please don’t drink too much,” I hear Penny say, “you have to drive us back home.”

“I’ll be fine,” Pam says with annoyance, “push comes to shove, you can drive it.” Penny sighs and marches out to the patio while Pam stays put at the bar. I called over to the nearest bartender and I’m pleasantly surprised when I realized it was Jean. Man, he’s been working here for like six years now?

“Well well well,” he says, “I hear you’re a farmer now. Is that why I don’t see my favorite regular anymore?”

“Sorry I didn’t mention. I kinda had to get the fuck outta here,” I say. He waves his hand.

“Yea, I get ya. What’s up though?”

“Do you see that lady at the end of the bar,” I ask.

“Yea, what about her?”

“She’s kinda my ride… actually a lot of people’s rides tonight. The band playing are some people from the valley so we’re out here to support them. Could you serve her n/a beer tonight and not tell her?” I ask. Jean laughs and pats me on the shoulder.

“Can I charge her for a real drink?”

“Do whatever. I need her blood alcohol level under the legal limit,” I chuckle. 

“Alright. Come back more often, would ya?” he says and we say goodbye to each other. I took the drinks over to Jodi while Vincent checked out the front of the stage, watching his brother and his bandmates set up.

“You’re a lifesaver,” Jodi says as I hand her the wine. I take my shot as she takes her first sip of wine. “I’m a little anxious,” she says.

“What for?” I ask before my tongue goes a little numb from the alcohol. 

“He’s… just not my little boy anymore.” She watches him carefully on stage while he helps Abby put her drum kit together and tune his guitar.

“But wouldn’t you say he’s grown into such a great young man?” I asked her as I also watched Sam on stage, testing the microphones and making sure you could hear Sebastian’s bass. Jodi chuckles a little bit and takes another sip of her wine.

“You sound just like your grandfather.” Jodi and I chat while we watch the band finish setting up. I was itching to hear what they had, especially the one song Sam and Sebastian kept teasing me with. 

“It’s going to blow your mind. Strike you to the core. It took me weeks to get through playing it without tearing up.”

The only metal song I’ve cried to is Fade To Black by Metallica so what could Sam have written that he thinks will give me a core striking experience? I go inside to get one more shot before the band comes on stage. I’m expecting an introduction from Sam but they go right into the music. Sebastian, with his bass strapped on his back, presses a button on one of his keyboards which resembles a faint ringing sound before Abby clashes her symbols and Sam comes in with a heavy guitar riff. Sebastian then slides the bass to his font and comes in with a deep bassline. I search in my pocket for the setlist Sam gave me earlier and find the name of the first song. Artificial Suicide. Sam shocks me with such heavy vocals I nearly drop my shot. I sling the Jameson down my throat as Sam switches up with clean and angelic vocals. I nearly choke. I’m so impressed by the raw talent they all ooze I barely notice anybody moving. Emily is swaying her hips as she stands at the front of the stage but nobody else is moving. I move away from Jodi and Vincent and make my way closer to the stage as the song ends. More people fill in from the bar after that outburst of a song. I find Leah and Elliott with their eyes wide, shell shocked after hearing the first song. Before I can ask them what they thought, the band goes straight into another heavy song. Hypermania is the name I remember reading under the opening song. The three of us watch Sam bounce around the stage before I finally decide that the crowd is too still. I grab Leah and Elliott’s hands and force them to dance with me. I had just enough liquor in my body to loosen me up. Leah, Elliott and I had some conversations at the saloon but not many so I didn’t know them all too well but Jameson absorbing into my liver didn’t care. 

I made Elliott take down his hair and head bang with me as he had the perfect hair for head banging. Thick and wavy and long. I looked around the crowd once more and pouted. It definitely wasn’t thick enough to crowd surf and Yoba I was itching to. My attention is turned back to the stage as Abby and Sam pause for a second and the sound of Sebastian’s bass fills the patio. I watch his long fingers glide across the neck of the bass while his other hand licks the strings near the pickguard. As I stay stunned from Sebastian’s mesmerizing fingers, Elliott and Leah start to dance with each other and I leave them be. I go deeper into the crowd and find Shane in the middle. He’s nodding his head to Abby’s beat. The song ends and Shane looks down at me.

“These guys are pretty good,” he says. I nod my head. 

“You a metalhead?” I ask.

“I indulge.” I give him a shit eating grin and for a second I swear I see a glint of fear in his eyes.

“Should we open up the pit?” Before he can answer, Sam speaks.

“We’re Goblin Destroyer! This next song is about screaming into the fucking void!” and immediately they start the next song. I don’t even hesitate to give Shane a hard shove and he almost loses his balance. He bumps into the person standing next to him who shoves him back to me. As soon as it started people started to fill into the pit, shoving each other and creating a circle. I play in the pit until the song ends. Sebastian throws his bass over his shoulder and takes place behind the keyboards. He starts playing the same three notes over and over and then presses a button which makes it loop. All I want to do is watch him, see what he does differently for each song, especially this one as it seemed a little different than what we had just heard. Unfortunately, the crowd filled in a little tighter and I got stuck behind a really tall man. As I do my best to see around the man, Shane taps me on the shoulder and gives me the universal ‘do you wanna get on my shoulders?’ concert hand gesture. I gladly accept and Shane squats down. I straddle his neck and hold onto the tall man in front of me for support while he stands up and lifts me over everyone’s heads. Now, if I was drunk, this would be the time that I would flash the band my tits but I did not have enough liquor in my system nor would I do my friends like that. Sam comes in with the lyrics but he isn’t screaming. His vocals are clean but the extra microphone he had grabbed from Sebastian earlier must’ve had something to distort and reverb his voice. I needed to ask them how they did that because it sounded so good. 

After that song, Shane puts me down, the crowd starts to get bigger and they start hollering for more. Sam takes a swig of his miller lite and the band recuperates for a second. I feel a tug on my skirt and I look down and find Vincent.

“Hey bud,” I say, “where’s your mom?” Vincent points to the entrance of the bar.

“She went to get another drink. I can’t see Sam,” he says with a pout. He probably saw me on Shane’s shoulders earlier. However, I’m not as tall as Shane so I grab Vincent’s hand and lead him closer to the stage. I shot Jodi a quick text telling her that her son is with me and hoped that she would be able to see him on my shoulders from the back. We found a spot decently close to the stage and I got him on my shoulders. Surprisingly, he wasn’t that heavy. He’s a pretty skinny kid and will probably grow up to have a similar physique to Sam. He couldn’t have been more than fifty pounds, all that work on the farm must be paying off. Sam gives the autotuned mic back to Sebastian and walks back to his own mic stand.

“This is an old one.” And they go back into the heavy stuff. As Sam is performing, he sees Vincent on my shoulders, points to him and makes his hand into devil horns. Vincent removes one of his hands from resting on my head and I can only assume he imitated Sam’s devil horns. I kept Vincent on my shoulders for another song before returning him back to Jodi. Her face was a blush pink most likely from her wine. 

“Thank you, Farmer,” she says, “did you have fun Vinny?” she asks her son. He goes on about how cool it was to see Sam up close and I excuse myself back to the crowd. A couple songs go by and all I’m fixated on is watching Sebastian go from bass to keyboard to bass again and sometimes doing both at the same time. Each song better than the last. I hoped and prayed there was a scout in the audience listening to their talent. If they lived in the city they definitely would’ve been already signed to a record label, album out, and touring by now. At least in my music connoisseur opinion. 

I ended up in the middle again with Shane who was sweating profusely after being in the pit for most of the show. I think I caught him off guard when we started the pit but once it was open he was in there like a fly on shit. 

“Alright guys,” Sam says breathlessly into the mic, “we’re gonna switch it up a bit. This is our newest song as well as our last of the night. And to be straight forward this song is not metal. Goblin Destroyer as a band likes to experiment and write what’s on our minds. This is called ‘Like Him’.” Sebastian fully takes his bass off and starts playing the keyboard. The notes are clean and he plays the same three over and over until he ends with a little chord and Sam comes in with vocals as light as a feather. Sebastian plays a mix of jazz and classical chords as Sam gets through the first verse. Like him. Like him. Like him. Sebastian slides his hands down the piano keys, creating a glissando, and starts putting more passion into the keys. Mama, I’m chasing a ghost. I don’t know who he is. Abby adds a light harmony as Sam sings and the further into the song we go, Sebastian starts hammering the piano keys and Abby comes in with her drums. As the chorus fades out, Sam slips into a guitar solo but it doesn't sound like your regular guitar. It was almost like he was playing the theremin but on the guitar. It was slow but smooth and attention grabbing. 

I couldn’t take my eyes off of them even for a moment. As Sam gets into the second verse, I start to really feel the lyrics. How can I miss something that I never had? I thought about my Dad. I can’t remember what he was like to me before Mom died. I can’t recall a look of pride or love for me. A scowl is plastered permanently on his face in my memories. Everytime he looked at me all I was met with eyes filled with disgust and distraught. I always prided myself on being able to read people well but I could never get a decent read on my father. I never knew what he was thinking or what was about to come out of his mouth. Yet, I missed him. I yearned for the father that he might’ve been when Mom was around. He couldn’t have always been so bitter towards me, right? At one point when I was in high school, he told me he couldn’t stand the sight of me. Is it because I look like him? Like Grandpa? Everytime he looked at me, was he reminded of his own father? What did Grandpa do to make my father hate the sight of his first born daughter? I couldn’t judge him as I also ended up being better off without a dad. I wonder if he thought about how history repeated itself or maybe he didn’t think about me at all. But everytime. Everytime I asked him what Grandpa did to make him so bitter, all my questions were swept under the rug. Mama I’m chasing a ghost. I don’t know who he is. 

As the second chorus ends, a swift movement catches my eye. Sebastian had turned to his other keyboard- the one that plays more electronic notes. He tilts his head to the side, like he’s cracking a bone in his neck then immediately lays down a beautiful set of notes just as Abby and Sam harmonize. The crowd around me starts to thin until we’re left with the people from the valley and a couple of stragglers. I look up at my three friends in awe as they finish the song in an explosion. 

“We’re Goblin Slayer! Thank you!” Sam yells then he, Sebastian, and Abby group hug. I smile and watch them and the rest of the villagers trickle into the bar. 

“Farmer?” I snap my attention to my left where Shane’s standing next to me. “You okay?” I knit my eyebrows together as he takes the knuckle of his finger and gently wipes under my eye. Oh shit. Have I been crying?

“Huh? Oh yea, I’m alright,” I say as I gently pat the tears away, careful not to ruin my makeup, “I guess that last song hit a little close to home.” I force a smile and suggest we go in for another drink. As we do, we walk past Jodi and Vincent. Vincent looked a little embarrassed as his mom stumbled a little bit. She was definitely wine drunk. Shane and I give each other a look and head over there. Shane and I were developing an unlikely friendship ever since that night in the saloon. He’s been giving me tips on my newly acquired chickens and ducks and lately he’s been telling me to raise rabbits as well. 

“Jodi, you alright, hun?” I ask her as I take Vincent’s hand.

“Farmer! Did you see my boy? Did you see Sam? He’s a rockstar!” she says while swaying. Vincent yawns and his eyes look droopy. Shane links his arm with Jodi’s and we make our way towards the bus. Hopefully they’ll both sleep a little before we fully pack up and go. We set them down in their own seats and Vincent passes out quickly. Pam was already in the driver's seat, doing crosswords.

“Pam, do you mind watching those two?” I ask before I step off the bus.

“Of course! I’m the most sober I’ve ever been. I had seven beers and I don’t feel a thing,” she says. I give her a fake smile.

“Well, if it ends up hittin’ ya. I can always drive back,” I say and Shane and I exit the bus. 

“Saw them givin’ her the n/a beer,” Shane whisper to me.

“I told them too,” I whisper back and we share a laugh as we walk back into the bar.

soft mornings with sam !

waking up together in a sun-warmed bed, legs tangled beneath cool blue sheets on a sparkling spring day, a light breeze fluttering through the curtains. you turn your cheek to see sam sleeping softly, arm draped across your waist. you smiled as you ran a hand softly through his fluffy blonde locks, unweighted by his usual hair gel and the burdens of the day to come.

slowly, he stirred awake, softly whining as he wrapped his arm tighter around you. “mmm, babe?…” his voice was so sweet, even when he was half-asleep.

you pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead, earning a small smile from him, pleased with your display of affection even while he was barely awake. he rubbed his eyes blearily, as though the vision of you laying next to him in his bed was still a part of his dream.

“good morning, sammy,” you said, holding his soft, boyish face in your hands.

“morning, pretty,” he said in an uncharacteristically gentle voice, turning his face to press a chaste kiss to your palm. he looked at you for a moment before falling back onto his pillow, staring at the ceiling and stretching his arms out above him. “ahhh, i can’t believe this is my life right now.”

you raised an eyebrow at that, propping yourself up on one elbow. “how do you mean?”

he looked up at you with a dreamy look in his baby blue eyes. “just…” he lifted himself up to match your height, grabbing your face with his other hand and hovering over you as he pressed you into the bed. “that i can do this whenever i want.”

your eyes slid shut as he pressed his soft lips to yours. it was a sweet kiss, with the hint of something more—one that ended much too soon.

“sam…” you breathed, now fully beneath him as he caged you in between his strong arms. you played with the hem of his white t-shirt, both of your chests heaving with the palpable tension of the moment.

“sam, come out for breakfast!”

he let out an exasperated groan as he collapsed into a devastated puddle in your arms, draping his much taller frame dramatically over your lap. “god damn it…” he muttered into the mattress.

you let out an amused giggle at his emotional reaction. “it’s okay, sammy.” you ran your hands down his back soothingly. “we have many more mornings like this ahead of us.”

his head immediately perked up at that, like a dog hearing the word ‘treat.’ “you mean it?" he asked with hopeful eyes.

a soft laugh escaped your lips before giving him a small, sweet kiss. "of course i mean it, fool."

thank you so much for reading! requests are always open~

good night sweet sdv grandpa and his fucked up bed; and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest

his favorite hairstyles of yours !

in which your boyfriend loves any way you wear your hair, but these ones in particular have him weak in the knees... featuring all of the bachelors <3

⊹₊⟡ sam

anything comfy for you is his absolute fave

because it reminds him of cozy cuddles :)

messy buns, claw clips, a loose ponytail...

it just makes him feel more at home with you than he already does

like its a sign that work time is over, and now he can spend the rest of the day with his love <3

so whenever you loosely tie your hair into one of these hairstyles, his cuddle mode is ON >:)

⊹₊⟡ sebastian

i think he's a sucker for dark hair

whether it flows past your waist or sits right above your shoulders, he just loves how it looks on you

his favorite is when it's down, so he can run his fingers absentmindedly through it

it helps him think, he swears!!

he has tried to braid your hair before while fidgeting with it

and now it's his favorite thing to do with his hands heheh

⊹₊⟡ alex

a high ponytail absolutely KILLS HIM

like you already look so good as you are, but whenever he catches you adjusting your ponytail to get it out of your face in the hot summer sun..

OOFFFF. rest in pieces to him.

he especially adores the strands that fall in front to frame your face, essentially a trophy of your hard work

even if it gets messy at the end of the day, it always reminds him of the summertime, organic and carefree~

⊹₊⟡ harvey

any small accessory just melts his HEART

a claw clip pulling your hair half-up half-down, cute barrettes framing your face, anything tiny but noticeable just does it for him

he appreciates how it's both adorable and functional for you!

he always makes sure to compliment it too, making you blush ehehe

king of noticing the small details <3

⊹₊⟡ elliott

anything elegant just makes him swoon

he already thinks you look like a princess, but even more so with your hair up like this

he always asks what he did to deserve such special treatment, but you just wanted to try a cute new hairstyle that day~

but now it feels even more fun to try out new styles, seeing which ones he admires the most!

he runs his fingers appreciatively through your locks, so gentle and careful not to ruin it <3

he wants you to teach him this superpower, and when you do, he's actually so amazing at it it makes you a little mad LOL

⊹₊⟡ shane

braids. braids of any kind

he just thinks they make you look nice, and he knows how tiring it can be taking care of the animals

so he likes that they can help keep the hair out of your face too

gently pulls on them lightheartedly whenever you tease him just a little too much as if "warning" you

he also likes how your hair gets a little (or a lot) frizzy when you take them out

its so endearing to him, even if he rarely admits it ;)

thank you so much for reading! requests are always open <3

ERE DAY MY BESTIE POSTS IS A GOOD DAY!!!!

Nobody's Son, Nobody's Daughter

TW: consumption of drxgs, smoking, talk of sex

Read it on ao3

Thirteen.

I hadn’t been off my farm for a couple days. The only reason I would leave would be to buy seeds or go forage in the forest. I couldn’t get my mind off of my sister but we called everyday when she got out of school but the phone call would only last during her walk home, she’s afraid of what Dad might say if he knew she was talking to me. I’m collecting eggs from my chickens and ducks in my coop when the door swings open and startles me, making me drop one of the eggs.

“Shit!” I hissed and looked down at the broken and runny egg.

“Where the fuck have you been?” I hear Sam’s voice echo throughout the coop.

“Fucker, you made me drop an egg,” I say while picking up the shell. 

“Are you good, dude? You and Seb disappeared from the venue that night and I haven’t heard from you since!” Sam exclaimed while taking a rag off the wall of the coop and helping me clean up the broken egg. I guess I did owe him an explanation since he is my closest friend in the valley. I told him what happened as we made our way to the farm house. He didn’t say much, only listened. I told him how the last song on his set really hit home and it felt surreal when my sister showed up.

“I didn’t mean to make you cry,” Sam says as we enter the farm house. I set the basket of eggs on the counter and shush him.

“I love the song, Sam,” I say, “and it’s comforting to know that there are other people in the valley that have felt what I feel… It just broke my heart to see that my sister is seeing our Dad for who he is. I hoped that he would be better for her.” I flop down on my couch in distraught and run my hands down my face. Sam, who’s still in my kitchen, stares at me for a while before turning quickly on his heel to my bedroom. I’m shocked by his sudden movements but am too exhausted and overwrought to get up. I hear him rifle through something in my bedroom and a couple minutes later he comes out with my backpack slung over one shoulder.

“Jesus christ this thing is heavy,” he says and sets it down on the kitchen table.

“What are you doing?” I ask while sitting up a little. 

“You’re coming to the sleepover,” he says, “you don’t have a choice. I’ve packed everything for you, except for your undies ‘cause I don’t wanna rifle through that drawer.” I laugh as he rambles and I get up from the couch. I take my backpack from him and empty some of the things in there like my coal, ore, and fiber. I grab a quick pair of panties from my dresser and stuff it into my backpack. 

“You better have not picked a whack ass outfit for tomorrow,” I say to Sam as I pet Miso goodbye and we walk out the door. We took the shortcut up the mountain to Sebastian’s house. “You do sleepovers at Seb’s pretty often?” I ask. 

“Yea since we were kids. Seb has the most privacy and space and Robin isn’t like mine or Abby’s moms, always checking in on us,” Sam says as we pass by the bus stop. 

“What do you do at the sleepovers?” I ask, looking down at my boots as we walk.

“Oh, Farmer, don’t tell me you’ve never had a sleepover before?” Sam asks and I look up at him and on his face is a shit-eating grin. Yoba, he sees right through me. I blush.

“Hey man, with a dead mom and a dad who hates you, you end up being the weird kid,” I say, “besides from my roommates in college, I’ve never had a sleepover.” Sam shakes his head from side to side. “My sister would get invited to a ton.”

“Well, we will sometimes play Solarian chronicles, watch movies, play video games, listen to music, we talk… As soon we all became adults we added weed and alcohol into the mix,” Sam says. 

“It sounds like fun,” I say, “do you all sleep in the same bed?” I ask. Sam shakes his head.

“Abby takes Seb’s bed and Seb and I sleep on his pull-out couch. But now you’re here, so you can take the bed with Abby.” The only other person, besides a one night stand, that I’ve ever shared a bed with was my sister and that was when we were little. I hoped and prayed that my nightmares wouldn’t be bad tonight. After the gig in the city, my nightmares became frequent again and I’ve started remembering bits and pieces. They’re not as clear as the one about the car accident but I know they’re about Brynne. I’ve been thinking about telehealthing my therapist but the more I think about it, I highly doubt Dad has kept me on his insurance and getting insurance as a self-employed person has been hard. I’ve been trying to have better coping mechanisms but in doing so I’ve relapsed on cigarettes. Alex and I chat once a week and my fill-the-void lust feelings have been low but my lungs were not happy with me. I would be embarrassed if I woke up the three of them at the sleepover because I couldn’t get my childish nightmares under control. 

We show up at the house in the woods and walk through the front door. We say hi to Robin as she finishes up some paperwork at her desk and tread downstairs to where Sebastian’s room is. Abby’s already down there, laying upside down on the couch while Sebastian works on his computer.

“Seb keeps saying one more line but then does like twenty more! Sam, pull him out of it!” Abby whines when she sees us. I look over at Sebastian and his eyes run across his computer screen over and over again. I sit down next to Abby and she moves her body to the side so that her legs rested on my lap and her head near the arm of the couch. “Hey girl, I haven’t seen you in forever! I need my fill of farmer gossip. Are you still hooking up with Alex?” she asks. Sebastian’s head snaps up and his candy colored eyes look into mine.

“What?”

“So that’s what gets you to look up from your computer?” Sam sighs and throws his backpack down.

“It’s been a couple months,” I say, “we decided we’re better as friends.” Sebastian exhales then goes back to his work.

“What the fuck!” Sam yells at him.

“You told me you used to fuck around in college?” Abby asks. I nod. Her questions are genuine and strictly girl talk and it’s what I love about Abby. There’s no ulterior motive, she just genuinely wants to have more girl friends and they’re hard to come around in the valley. “You know who else used to fuck around?” She holds her hand up near her face and points in Sebastian’s direction.

“I can hear you, you know,” Sebastian says and then gets up from his computer.

“Finally!” Sam exclaimed while digging in his backpack. “I brought an indica, sativa, and a hybrid. I also brought my extended pack for solarian and Mario Kart, and a couple frozen pizzas,” he says while taking each thing out of his bag. Sebastian gets off his computer and pulls down a sheet and sets it up on the wall opposite of his bed and sets up a projector.

We watched movies, played Solarian, talked, and smoked weed. The only time I stepped out was to accept a phone call from my sister. It was short and quick and I mentioned I was hanging out with friends. Her praise for me making new friends warmed my heart. As I was walking inside, Robin came pounding down the stairs from her room. She’s holding an old photo album.

“There you are!” she says, “I have to show you these photos of Sebby when he was a kid.” She shows me a photo of him with spaghetti on his head, him with a stuffed Jumino, him holding baby Maru, all the classic baby photos. My heart swells when I look at his chubby cheeks. I’ve never been one for kids but I always loved baby pictures of my friends. 

“He’s so adorable,” I say while pointing to a picture of him, Sam, and Abby when they were kids. The basement door opens and Sebastian comes upstairs.

“Absolutely not,” he says while grabbing my wrist. His movements are aggressive but his grip on me is surprisingly gentle. 

“Aw c’mon,” I say as he drags me down the stairs, “you were so cute.” He shakes his head back and forth. 

“What are you saying I’m not cute now?” he quips as he opens the door. Abby with her second-hand high is curled up on Sebastian’s bed watching the projector and Sam’s in the bathroom. I laugh to try and calm down my pounding heart and hide the blush from my face

“Hmm… You’re pretty cute,” I say, “but your chubby cheeks and ginger hair take the cake.” He nudges me in the shoulder and we sit back down with Abby who’s watching Three From Hell. Sam comes out of the bathroom and sits on the bed with us, Smushing me between Sebastian and Abby. Sebastian drapes his arm over my shoulder to get more comfortable and I hook one of my legs over Abby’s as Sam lights up another joint. 

###

I’m jolted awake by whatever dream I was having. My breathing is heavy and small beads of sweat coat my hairline on my forehead. Abby’s still crashed out next to me and I think I see Sam on the pullout bed still asleep. My hands shake as I rip the covers off of me and get up. I dug in my backpack for the pack of cigarettes I had bought at Joja. They were the most disgusting cigarettes I’v ever smoked but they’re the only thing around. Once I secure my pack and lighter and make my way towards the lake. The cold fall air sent a chill down my spine and I wrapped my hoodie around my body tighter. A tall silhouette stands near the lake as well and I can only assume it’s my formerly ginger friend. I stand next to him and light my cigarette. He jumps a bit but realizes it’s just me.

“Can’t sleep?” he asks. I take a long inhale and sigh out the smoke. 

“I assume you can’t either,” I say and take a seat at the edge of the water.

“Never can,” he says and follows my lead by sitting down next to me. We sit in silence for a moment and chain smoke before I break the silence.

“So… you used to sleep around?” He laughs and shakes his head.

“I was wondering the same thing about you,” he says, “Yea, I did. There were a couple of forums online I used to frequent when I was eighteen. Mainly married couples looking for someone to cuck the husbands. Some turned into affairs, others were strictly for fun… I stopped when I was twenty-three after having a really weird situationship with a married woman,” he takes a long drag of his cigarette, “Sam and Abby only know about the cucking. Not the affairs.”

“You lose your virginity to a married woman?” I ask teasingly. He shakes his head.

“Nah. Lost it to Haley when we were fourteen. We’re still friendly, she told me later on that I helped her come to terms with her being gay so I guess it was for the better,” he says, “don’t mention anything though, I’m not sure how out she is.” I wouldn’t have pegged Haley as gay but it made sense. 

“They used to call me the ‘man maker’ in college,” I say, “as I’m sure you’ve figured out I have a guilty pleasure for gridball players and by the time I was a sophomore I had gone through everyone on the team that liked women. I started hooking up with the freshmen and then they started sending their friends who were virgins to me. I didn’t know they were calling me that until I became friends with one of them.”

“Did you lose your virginity in college?”

“Nah, I was sixteen. I was too young, honestly. I should’ve waited,” I said. Sebastian nods his head. 

“I should’ve too.” We’re silent again for a second but this time he’s the one to break it. 

“So… You’ve hooked up with Alex?” he asked. I nod and light another cigarette. 

“Was filling the void. I think he was too.”

“And this was around that time you had the dream about the crash?” he asks me and tosses the filter aside.

“You remember that?”

“I remember everything.” He lays down and looks up at the stars. I pull my knees up to my chest and wrap my arms around them.

“Do you have trouble sleeping often?” I ask him. He sighs.

“Yea. Not sure why. I do stay up late for work, a lot of my clients are overseas so the deadlines are in the middle of the night…But ever since I was a kid I’ve never been a very good sleeper. I’m sure my mom has permanent bags under her eyes,” he says, “I assume your restlessness started after your mom passed?”

“Yes but it wasn’t just because of the nightmares. Dad took up drinking and would be up all night,” I say and lay back next to him. The stars were beautiful and clear, not like how they are in the city. The light pollution downs them out so much you can barely make out the big dipper. “Do you see any constellations?” I ask Sebastian. The only ones I could point out were the big and little dippers. I didn’t do much stargazing and I regret not asking Grandpa more about it. 

“Um, let's see,” Sebastian says. He looks around the sky and then eventually points. “That one’s Orion.” I scoot closer to him so I can properly see what he’s pointing at.

“The rectangle?” I ask.

“Yea! The three stars in the middle are his belt… Over there is Pisces.” He points a little further west from Orion. I squint and try to follow his finger.

“The alligator mouth?”

“Uh huh. It looks like two fish tied together, right?”

“I think I can see that,” I say and squint a little harder.

“It’s supposed to be her and her sons, Eros and Cupid,” says Sebastian. He puts his arm down. I shiver a bit as a gust of wind blows over us. As if he knew, he wraps his arm around me and pulls me into his chest. My heart starts slamming into my chest and I can’t control it. I know he can feel it, there’s no hiding it. I shiver again but not from the cold. “I’ve always been fascinated with Aphrodite. When I was hooking up with older women and getting into situationships and getting my heart shattered, I wondered if she was watching over me,” he continues. I want to look up at him but I can’t tear my eyes away from Pisces. I always thought that Aphrodite had abandoned me long ago. 

“But isn’t she the Goddess of love, not heartbreak?” I ask. He gives me a squeeze and my breath gets caught in my throat.

“As much as it hurt, I figured she had a plan. Accepting those thoughts helped me separate myself from that part of my life,” he says and moves onto his side to face me. I want to look at him but my body won’t let me. This is the moment I’ve thought about over and over and my body can’t bring itself to pull through. I feel Sebastain’s finger slip under my chin. “After all,” his finger pushes my chin up so that I’m looking at him. His dusky eyes are sparkling in the moonlight and it takes every brain cell I can muster to not get lost in them, “ending that part of myself has brought me here, hasn’t it?” I want to tell him that I know exactly what he means, how I’ve never felt more accepted and understood by a person until meeting him, but his finger and thumb hold my jaw and he gently squeezes my cheeks as our lips lock.