When Sparkplug Let It Slip That She Was A Princess And Also The Daughter Of One Of The Most Notorious

I kinda really want a de-aged au where Jason “No More Dead Robins” Todd has to deal with all his brothers when they were first joining the Bat/Wayne family and has to try (and consistently fail) to keep them from becoming Robin. 

Like there’s some random magic user who casts a spell for [hand wave plot necessitated reason here] and Jason is just chillin doing his Red Hood thing, but when the spell starts to take affect, Bruce is off world on some League mission so Jason ends up having to handle it all on his own.

First to show up is Dick. Or rather, tiny, grieving, baby Dick. Jason’s first surprise is that baby!Dick isn’t the cheerful, happy, carefree kid Jason always assumed he had to be. No, tiny Dick is angry. He’s bitter and snappish and hell bent on finding—and killing—his parents’ murderer. At first Jason is selfishly pleased to find out Golden Boy wasn’t quite so golden after all and encourages getting vengeance, take that, Bruce! This only lasts like a day, though, because Jason realizes, feelings about the One Rule and his personal moral code aside, encouraging a nine year old to kill is seriously messed up. 

So Jason’s next step his to take Dick back to his second favorite safe house and tell him to stay put while he tracks down whatever/whoever did this to Nightwing and fix it. 

This plan hits a snag because guess what tiny, nine year old Dick does not do? Tiny Dick does not believe Jason when he says he’s his brother from the future. Tiny Dick doesn’t care if he is in the future. He’s still going to find his parents’ killer and end him. Some guy with a weird helmet isn’t going to stop him. Jason discovers this when he runs across tiny Dick leaping between buildings in Crime Alley while on patrol.

Jason drags him back to the safe house and locks all the doors and windows. He runs across tiny Dick again three blocks later. He returns Dick to the safe house. Dick is out again in less than an hour. How is this possible?! Jason is Bat and League trained, he knows how to secure a location, how can he not contain ONE (1) small circus child?!?!!

And yet. Dick keeps escaping. He has tentatively accepted that he isn’t in his time and his parents’ murderer isn’t around at this time for him to confront. But this has only led him to the conclusion that he needs to help Jason fix this so he can go back to him own time and get his revenge. No, Jason cannot stop him.

(Really. Jason can not stop him. Jason is starting to wonder if the creation of Robin was much less Batman taking on a child solider as his partner and much more a desperate attempt to keep eyes on an insane child escape artist.)

Then baby Tim shows up.

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Jason's a 10 while his boyfriend looks mid

In Gotham University where Jason is studying literature, while Danny is studying engineering. Nobody knew how they even met, but they both showed up one day going out with each other.

Nobody knew why exactly Jason, who is an absolutely beefcake, built like a fridge, was with a guy that totally looks like a loser. He was tinier than Jason - a complete twink-, he often gets up to run to the bathroom citing stomach problems, once you set him off about something, he'll never stop yapping about it.

So, one brave student went up to Jason and asked the question. Why him?

Jason just smirked and tilted his head at Danny.

"Open your mouth."

Danny does so obligingly in confusion. What he didn't know nor did he realise was that once he did, his features started to distort, looking more...not human.

His teeth were sharp and jagged, his mouth was like a gaping abyss, so dark that the only thing that you see was more and more teeth. His eyes took more of a green hue, skin turned paler, and his freckles shone like the stars.

Danny then rolled out his tongue, which came out long and serpentine, flicking it a bit before rolling it back into his mouth, becoming normal once more.

Jason gave a lovesick lustful look at him.

The student immediately understood and simply said 'Have a nice day', because they get why. Teratophilia is a thing, people.

Bruce, who has a problem expressing emotions because he was teased for them in school as the "crazy Wayne kid"

Bruce, who used to clutch Alfred at night and wet himself due to his nightmares.

Bruce, who got flashbacks till his mid-twenties everytime he walked down an alley.

Bruce, who would hug a weeping Dick Grayson and stay with him until the night terrors were over, humming a soft lullaby that Bruce's mother sang for him

Bruce, who hardened his mouth and his life to keep the anger in check after Jason, because he knew if he didn't every criminal would pay.

Bruce, who sees Damian chopping up shrubbery and thinks "I was far worse as a child inside, it's a good thing he's letting it out"

Bruce, who can't walk by a homeless child in the street without calling his special Wayne Foundation liaison (who he keeps on speed dial) and asking her to find "one more spot"

Bruce, who sees Selina petting kittens and robbing the rich and thinks "if I could have had a life with her, that would have been nice"

Bruce, who looks at Cass' x-rays and sees her knit bones and swears to god he will break the bones of whoever's responsible for her upbringing

Bruce, who gives Tim projects that he himself can do faster because he sees attention-starved Tim trying to please him

Bruce, who looks at Clark smiling and thinks of what he can buy for his birthday to make him smile just like that.

Bruce to his parents in their graves after not being able to catch a criminal: I'm sorry. I've failed you. I'll try harder.

People who don't know Bruce: why is that man so unfeeling.

Bad DC writers: idk just that way i guess

I need more Tim protects his family from any racist, homophobic, what not comments.

Like Tim, who is white, non-religious, and queer takes all the negative comments towards him and just steers it past him. So people comment about him a lot, because he just doesn't care and lets it happen.

But then someone comments something about the color of Damian's and Dick's skin, the scarred face of Jason, a stereotype of Cass, called Duke a thug, talked bad about Bruce being a Jew? Oh just consider your life over with.

He will publicly humiliate you. He will grill into you so hard your bones will be scorched black. He will break your company down. He will make you bankrupt. He will expose all of your secrets. Ruin your marriage. Ruin your family. Ruin your image.

Mess with Tim Wayne all you want, but if you mess with the rest of the Waynes, just expect Janet Drake's sole child, her carbon copy, Tim Drake, to appear and put your life to shambles.

It is no joke that Tim Drake is far more protective of his family than Tim Wayne is of himself.

Janet and Jack Drake's forthcoming comes in the way of Tim Drake destroying your life entirely, digging up your secrets and uprooting your company at one small discriminatory comment towards his family.

“Daddy, up!”

Clark doesn’t miss a beat. He continues telling Bruce about his investigation into chemical waste shipments out of Metropolis Harbor and a possible connection to LexCorp as he bends down to pick up his toddler.

Bruce smiles as the sixteen-month-old boy waves at him. He waves back and silently wishes he’d seen at least one of his boys this small. This is criminally adorable.

“Daddy,” Jon interrupts again. He pats Clark’s cheek with a tiny hand, trying to get his father to stop talking and look at him. “Daddy, ‘nack?”

Again, Clark doesn’t even pause his story. He reaches into one of the pockets of his jeans and pulls out a pack of animal crackers, then opens it and hands his son a bear-shaped cracker. He hasn’t even broken eye contact with Bruce, who figures out very quickly what “nack” means.

“Da-kit?” Jon’s gnawing on the animal crackers half-heartedly. Bruce guesses that he’s pleased with it, but would prefer something else.

This gets Clark to pause his story. “No, my love, no chocolate crackers today.” Ah, okay—“da-kit.” That’s cute. “We have to get more at the store later. Can you be patient?”

Bruce fully expects the baby to throw a tantrum. He has no firsthand experience with toddlers, but general knowledge of children tells him that “no” isn’t a word they like to hear.

To his amazement, Jon smiles sweetly. “Pay-tay,” he says quietly, still chewing on his cracker. “Tow.”

Clark smiles and pokes Jon’s nose, earning him a little giggle. “That’s right, baby boy. Patient, then we go to the store.”

“You know,” Bruce interjects, “I keep some chocolate in my utility belt. Just in case one of the boys wants a snack.”

Jon wastes no time reaching his chubby arms toward Bruce at the word “chocolate.”

“I could watch him for a bit,” Bruce continues, accepting the baby happily when Clark relinquishes his hold on the squirming boy. “I’m sure grocery shopping is quicker without a baby, right?”

Clark levels a flat, yet amused look at his friend. “Groceries. Right. Totally not your baby fever acting up.”

Jon’s happy as can be in Bruce’s arms. He’s got a snack, the promise of chocolatey snacks, and he’s being held. What more could a baby want?

“Bye bye, Daddy!”

Bruce barely suppresses a grin. “You heard him, Clark. You’re dismissed.”

Jason, tapping his chin in thought: Right, so, Plasmius, super rich guy who wants to adopt you.

Danny: No, no, he also wants to fuck my mom. That's…EUGH DUDE. Like- that's my mom. No I don't care about how he wanted her since college that's still super gross.

Jason: How has he not moved on? Your mom has a whole kid.

Danny: A whole two kids. And a husband of over ten years.

Jason: Oh yikes. 

Danny, nodding emphatically: Big Yikes. And he has this whole one sided beef with my dad cause he has everything Plasmius has ever wanted and like honestly I dont give a fuck because in the timeline he does get with my mom - which Ew - he's a lying bastard and my ma isn't completely happy with him. 

Jason:...Other timeline?

Danny, waving his hand in a nonchalant manner: Vlad - who's Plasmius by the way - gave my friends fatal ecto-acne because he was having a ghostly acne flare up and basically said ‘find a cure or they'll die too’ and so I went back in time to figure some shit out and I kinda shifted things to the left and in the lab accident that gave Vlad ecto-acne it gave my dad ecto-acne instead of Vlad and then my dads life went to ruin but I fixed it by fixing the timeline so I mean everythings fine. Mostly.

Jason: what, and I cannot stress this enough, the fuck.

Batman being aggressively secretive towards the Justice League is one of my favorite tropes, but it gets INFINITELY funnier when you take the younger generations of heroes into consideration.

Barry Allen? He doesn't know shit about Batman, still partially convinced he's not human, still a little bit scared to talk to him. But Wally West? That's Nightwing's best friend. He's been around Dick since both of them were kids. He's had sleepovers at the manor since he was thirteen.

I just think it would be hilarious if all of the younger generations 100% know that Batman is Bruce Wayne. They've slept at the manor, some of them have taken various Batkids to school dances, they've been offered Alfred's cooking. And all because they've gotten close to at least one Batkid and said Batkid wore Bruce down until he let them reveal their identity. But all of them manage to keep this information from their mentors. Either purposefully or completely on accident.

Then you end up with a situation where the younger generations grow up and join the League and the older members Very Quickly realize that they seem a lot more comfortable with Batman than they should be.

Imagine the absolute horror Jason would feel upon finding out Tim had spent THREE weeks with the Joker. Jason was with him for less than 24 hours, and bro is traumatised for life. He can only imagine what it was like for Tim in those weeks alone with the Joker.

Plus, the guilt that Jason would feel because of how he treated Tim in the beginning.

Never mind what he would say to Bruce. Jason was mad after the Joker killed him, and he thought that Batman would have killed the Joker for him. He forgave him because he thought it was one time, but two Robins, two sons? That is unacceptable. He would have torn Bruce a new one.

AU where Jason, Cass and Damian meet in the League and cause so much chaos that a burnt out Ra's just dropped them with a note

"Two of them are yours the third one is free"

And Bruce rolls with it

just looked over to find my cat had somehow crawled into the sleeve of my jacket ???? fucking wheezing. the baleful worm