How The Fam Find Out Jason's Still Alive

Bruce: A memo from the Justice League.

Bruce, reading from a paper: Due to elevating cursing from the other heroes that we believe is coming from batfamily, we now are changing the way things are phrased.

Bruce, to Jason: “Ask me if I give a fuck” will be now “Of course I’m concerned.”

Jason:

Bruce, to Tim: “Who gives a shit?” is now “I wasn’t involved in that.”

Tim: *nods*

Bruce, to Stephanie: “Kiss my ass” is now “I don’t think you understand.”

Stephanie: Okay.

Bruce, to Dick: “Suck my dick” is now “Have a nice day.”

Dick:

Bruce, to Damian: And finally “Who the hell died and made you boss?” is now “You want me to take care of this?”

Damian: Yes, Father.

Duke: Bruce, you want me to write a reply email from you about this?

Bruce: Yes, please reply: “To the Justice League, of course I’m concerned. You want me to take care of this? While I wasn’t involved in that, I feel you should reverse these changes as I don’t think you understand. Have a nice day.”

The batkids: *snickering*

Alfred: That’s my boy.

Selina: I love you.

happy snoggletog ❄️🐉

Talia unintentionally overstepping Barbara's boundaries (sneak peek for AO3)

Context: While out shopping Barbara was kidnapped by Talia Al Ghul's men and taken to where the Lazarus pit is. Talia says it's a fun girl's trip, but Babs knows the side effects of the pit and is not about to be pushed in.

Barbara (stopping her wheelchair before Talia could roll her to the Lazarus pit room): I'm not going in there.

Talia: Why would you pass up this offer?

Barbara (arms crossed): Jason Todd, you, Ra's Al Ghul, and that one time you put Bruce into a coma and tossed him in, assuming you could convince him to love you. And what happened after that?

Talia: We… both went insane, and I almost killed our tifl. But that's in the past, he's better now, I'm sane now.

Ra's (smoking): Never got my thanks for that.

Talia: Father! - Look, Barbara I'm not even killing you—just pushing your chair into the pit.

Barbara: I'm good. I'd rather get robot legs than end up in the pit.

Ra's Al Ghul (siding with Barbara): Contact me if you want me to set you up with that, but she still said no fifty times, Talia! Can you send her away already?

Talia: Father, stay out of this! Barbara, think about what regaining the ability to walk would do for you. You could finally be with Nightwing.

Barbara (grossed out): Oh God, why would you wish that upon me?! We're not like that anymore!

Talia: Seriously?

Ra's: He's with the orange woman now.

Talia: Aww, I was secretly rooting for you two.

Barbara (glaring at Talia): I'm definitely not going in there now. You're not about to insult me and then push me into green slime.

Talia (in denial): You know what? You need some time to think this over and agree to it. I’ll leave you here in this gorgeous tea room and return in twenty minutes. I know you’ll make the right decision. Father, keep watch of her.

Talia exited with a graceful stride, not allowing Barbara to get a word in or continue to refuse her offer. Ra's pulled out his cell phone and handed her an older-looking iPhone.

Ra's: His number is in this phone; he’s labeled "Ahbil."

Barbara nodded, took the phone, and hit the button to contact Bruce's number. Bruce reluctantly answered the unknown call, as his night job often led to strange calls like this.

Barbara: Hey… Bruce, it's Oracle.

Ra's: We don’t need to go by codenames; I know your name is Barbara.

Barbara: Private call, Ra's!

Bruce (confused): Why are you calling me from an unknown number?

Barbara: Talia kidnapped me and is offering to push me into the pit so it can 'fix' my disability, and when I say "offering," I mean she will not let me leave until I agree to it.

Bruce (shocked): What?

Barbara: Yeah. She said I’d be fine, which is a crock of bullshit. I've seen what the pit does to people; Jason has told me. I made it clear I’m not doing that. She said I have no choice unless you come to save me.

Bruce: She said I… And you’re stuck there—God damn it, Jim is going to kill me!

Barbara: Yeah, he might actually shoot you if I end up going crazy, or at least arrest you. She’s not stating it, but this seems to be a mix of good intentions with bad thinking, and she wants you back. Think you can be here soon?

Bruce: Yeah. I’ll text everyone and we’ll be headed there in a few hours. Tell her I’ll be there and that you won’t be wheeled to the pit until we get there. Do everything you can to avoid being pushed in!

Barbara: I will try my best; the mad king next to me is actually on my side with leaving, so he might be able to help.

Ra's: I’m… going to let that one slide because you called me king.

Bruce: I have to deal with Ra's—that just dawned on me. This is ridiculous, but you're my friend, and Jim will kill me if I mess this up. That guy sees me as his friend, and I can’t lose that!

Barbara (chuckling): Men and their weird friendships. Just hurry up.

Bruce agreed and ended the call while Ra's poured himself and Barbara some tea.

Ra's: He’s coming?

Barbara: Yes… your daughter is thirsty for a man who doesn't want her. She’s intelligent and all that, decent mom, but she is thirsty.

Ra's (agreeing): I have no idea where this insanity came from.

Ra's coughed from years of exposure to the pit as Barbara rolled her eyes.

I have an idea:

Tim is Damian's fave brother. He shows it by stabbing him, because in his world aka the loa, if someone is a threat it's a great compliment, and they are treated as such.

The batfam is freaking out bc Damian is trying to kill Tim but he's really just trying to show that he thinks Tim's a really competent person and totally worthy of being his brother.

ooooh this tis so crucnhy gimme a sec-

Timothy was being cruel to himself again. It wasn't uncommon, really, that the third youngest was overly critical of himself, especially concerning work related things, but every time set Damian's teeth on edge.

"Its such a stupid mistake! What am I?? Five!!?!?!" Tim ranted, waving the misprinted sheet around in the air. "Someone could've gotten hurt because of this!"

"Tim, it's not that big of a deal." Dick tried placatingly. "Not a big deal?" Tim shouted back. "What do you mean its not a big deal??? If Jason hadn't caught my dumb mistake one of you could've gotten hurt!" He shook his head in disgust at himself, dropping into a chair.

"Honestly Bruce should've fired me all those years ago. I am a horrible partner."

"Hey!" Dick protested, but Damian knew his eldest brothers arguing wouldn't get anywhere. Tim didn't believe any of the support Dick tried to give him, and was doubtful of even Bruce's praise, which was hard for any of them to brush off.

Damian tuned out his brothers angry argument, weighing the small dagger in his hand. Tim had gifted it to him, on a patrol they had run together oh so long ago.

"A gift." Tim had said. "From one Robin to the next." He hand winked then, grappling away. "Try not to stick it in my back, yeah?" He'd hollered into the wind, and Damian had smiled, in spite of himself.

And he had kept the promise. While Jason and even Dick had gotten plenty of blades lodged in certain places over the years, Damian had never truly attempted to harm Tim. Not in that way. Not anymore. But now...

Tim would never believe he was good enough if Damian didn't see him as worthy competition. He lifted the small dagger up and down a bit, testing how it moved. It was fine craftsmanship, he had to admit, and, though he hated to say it, if he wasn't so attached to it he might even use it more in battle. But, that was no matter. Timothy was distracted anyway.

Damian walked over casually, fighting the urge to creep, to sneak up, because that would only draw attention. Tim even leaned towards him, arm lifting to hug him, even as he continued arguing, eyes not even looking his way. The easy show of trust had Damian hesitate for a second, but he didn't dwell on it long.

Tim looked surprised when he spotted the knife sticking out of his side. "What's wrong?" Dick asked, puzzled as to why he had suddenly stopped speaking. Tim looked at the blade, then lifted his eyes to Damian's in confusion.

"I find you a worthy opponent Drake." Damian said softly. Tim's eyes widened in surprise a moment before Dick was on them, dragging Tim to the med bay while angrily shouting at Damian. But Tim's eyes never strayed from his little brothers face, gratitude shining in his eyes.

Batman being aggressively secretive towards the Justice League is one of my favorite tropes, but it gets INFINITELY funnier when you take the younger generations of heroes into consideration.

Barry Allen? He doesn't know shit about Batman, still partially convinced he's not human, still a little bit scared to talk to him. But Wally West? That's Nightwing's best friend. He's been around Dick since both of them were kids. He's had sleepovers at the manor since he was thirteen.

I just think it would be hilarious if all of the younger generations 100% know that Batman is Bruce Wayne. They've slept at the manor, some of them have taken various Batkids to school dances, they've been offered Alfred's cooking. And all because they've gotten close to at least one Batkid and said Batkid wore Bruce down until he let them reveal their identity. But all of them manage to keep this information from their mentors. Either purposefully or completely on accident.

Then you end up with a situation where the younger generations grow up and join the League and the older members Very Quickly realize that they seem a lot more comfortable with Batman than they should be.

Demon: Hey, I took your soul last month and-

Tim: No returns.

Demon: *sobbing* But it's making me sad…

you know Thomas Wayne was a doctor and Bruce was undoubtedly a curious kid, i bet Thomas talked at least a little bit about first aid because it would be some of the easiest medical trauma care concepts for a kid to learn, and i bet he talked about chest compression and how life saving they are and if more people knew how to do them a lot more people could make it to the hospital to be treated

so what i'm saying is imagine tiny, eight year old Bruce faced with the horrifying choice of which of his parents to save and Jim Gordon finds him doggedly putting all of his weight into (good, accurate, on rhythm, it won't matter) these chest compressions and he has to pull Bruce away, has to turn him away, all the while Bruce is insisting and crying and finally almost screaming that he can help, that if he just does this one thing and doesn't give up no matter how much his arms hurt and how tired or out of breath he is then his parents will be ok

Gordan sees how Bruce is filled with a terrible knowing and an even more terrible hope and it is something he will see again and again in blank white lenses years from now

The office but it's just the Batfamily.

Batman/Bruce, in the middle of a huge argument in the diner room: I have no favorites.

Batman (to the camera): My favorite is Cass. She can neutralize every single one of us.

Camera on cass eating a bagel, while Bruce narrates: And I respect that.

---

Duke: Cass.

---

Cass: Duke.

---

Steph: Cassie!

---

Selina: You know who it is.

---

Jason (to the camera): Dick? Oh that's so fucking easy it's the gremilin

Tim (To the camera): It's the gremlin.

Oracle/Babs (To the camera): Damian.

Steph: Evil child.

Damian: Me.

Dick as nightwing in a rooftop walking around with his hands: Oh my god, I can't belive you even asked me this??! We are all a big ass family and- We just keep going, like there's so many people here who I never saw before snd they just *poof* keep spalming and- Like cmon guys get a grip-

Dick (To the camera): *sight*

Dick:... It's Damian.

----

Jason (To the camera) without batting an eye: Tim.

Cameraman: I'm sorry- *checks notes* I'm confused... Didn't you to- Tried. to kill Tim Drake once?

Jason:

Jason: So?

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Tim (To the camera): I feel like I should say Bruce....

Tim: I mean it needs to be someone I admire, respect, enjoy and stand up for despite all flaws.

Tim: Like despite every single wrongs right?

Tim:

Tim:

Tim, horrofied: Oh my god it's Jason.

Jason on the other side of the window behind Tim wearing a full Red-Hood atire and holding a cellphone gen 1: HA-HA.

----

Alfred (to the camera): It's not Master Bruce.

Bruce: Alfred? Definitely not me.

Dick: It's Bruce.

Alfred (to the camera): You don't raise as many children as the fate bring to your doorstep by yourself, take care of their wounds, wait for them in a cold night without getting any type of rest until you receive a single sign indicating that they got home safe and then get the luxury to choose.

Alfred (To the camera): I wouldn't even consider the luxury of choosing.

Alfred, serving tea at the dinner table: You all made my hair go gray equally.

----

Babs (To the camera): Me.

----

Damian: This is ridiculous, obviously I would pick my father.

Damian to the camera: Nightwing.

---

Harley: I'm not even sure how y'all let me be part of this.

Camera man: We didn't-

---

Commissioner Gordon ( To the camera): If I'm being honest I feel like I resent every single one of them.

Commissioner Gordon: Except of course, my daughter.

Headshots for all the characters I did from Batman Caped Crusader.

Because I shrunk down most of them, the halftones may have compacted. Links to the individually posted portraits are below:

Harleen Quinzel

Renee Montoya

Barbara Gordon

Oswalda Cobblepot “Penguin”

Harvey “Two Face” Dent

Gentleman Ghost & Onomatopoeia

Selina Kyle “Catwoman”

Bruce Wayne “Batman”

Basil Karlo “ Clayface”

Jim Gordon & Natalia Knight “Nocturna”