*Trigger Warnings: Descriptions Of Verbal And Emotional Abuse, Su*c*d*l Thoughts, PTSD Symptoms, Self-deprecation,

Zendaya x Anne Hathaway for Bvlgari.

Curious lil Asta

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Tuesday, Nov. 1st, 2022 Part 2

4:35pm

The second thing we talked about was Angel (again) needing to draw the line between her and Gem vs. me. She brought up how she needs to pour into herself, the same with Gem, but they haven’t been able to because they have been so focused on me (?) and their jobs. She also talked about how I enter the living room when they are having conversations between just them, and how I need to be more mindful of that. She then felt the need to say once again that she will always talk and choose Gem over me and to not take it personally, which I don’t (?). 

But, what’s bothering me is why this has to be a conversation topic that keeps coming up? I don’t mind if Angel or Gem don’t always tell me things and want to keep things within their relationship, but I’m not the one coming up to them asking for them to share things with me. They share a lot with me, to begin with, off of their own decisions to do so. Even though she said that she doesn’t want this to feel like roommates, I don’t feel that way at all. It feels uncomfortable because it feels like I’m invading their space and their relationship. 

I will definitely be more mindful of their conversations, and will try to leave the house more often to satisfy that need. I respect their relationship, but it’s not like it hasn’t dawned on me that they’re my older sisters and that my stay is temporary.

Part 1 -- Part 3

Friendships are such an interesting component of humanity. They truly serve us in a valuable way in terms of finding connection, interaction, community, and belonging. It’s fascinating and colorful to also see how different people think and value friendship and companionship. I had a rough conversation with my mother about some problems that I have been having about my own friendships at the moment. She brought up the fact that she doesn’t rely on friendships that much because she had a strong relationship to her family that she knew would never waver. She saw reoccurring patterns in the people that she attempted to be friends with, was continuously hurt by people that were a risk to trust, so she realized that friendship wasn’t that important to her.

There is always a risk when you meet someone, or are trying to make friends, or start a new relationship. Deciding what, when, how, and why you want to share with people is always risky, and exposing and opening yourself to people is always a hard thing to do. But why is it so easy for me? I actually find a lot of comfort and release when I open up to people and share who I am with people. I feel like I am getting closer to knowing my authentic self when I let go of expectations and hesitations about who people think I am when I just honestly tell people about myself. However, as a sophomore in college, I have learned to fear that side of myself. I have learned the patterns of hurt and betrayal that surround me with friendships, and even the problems that I am experiencing right now with my friends follow the same trend. I value and think of friendships to be a deeper connection than what most people think for themselves. My family never served to treat me in a loving, caring, affectionate, stable way, and didn’t teach and show me how relationships work and function. Through the abuse and trauma that they inflicted on me, I don’t have a safe space that my mother had when she was growing up. She had a bright, caring family to come back to, I have a dark chasm of self hatred and longing. A chasm that is reserved and meant to be filled by the love, affirmation, and belonging by my family.

So I look to friendships instead to fill that chasm. I pour my all into trying to build a support system through friendships that grow. Being seen, recognized, accepted, and loved put the pieces back together that have always been broken inside me. But the pieces only held together by aging glue. Until they fall apart again because those seemingly supportive friendships weren’t as supportive as I was led to believe. I have a twisted view on friendships, believing that the way that I see and value my friends are, by default, the same way that my friends see and value me, but that is a lie that I keep telling myself. I don’t mean the same thing to them, the same way they mean to me. Why is that so hard for me to understand and live with? Maybe it’s because they will never be the family that I should have received growing up. Maybe it’s because I have too much baggage to be supported by the unstable connections between us that I am desperately relying on. Maybe I am looking in all the wrong places for something that will never be found because the time for that has long passed. Or maybe the problem is just me?

My friends do not owe me anything. My friends are not obligated to constantly support me and fill/fix the everlasting holes within me. Do I address my issues with them? Even when I know that they probably will be offended by what I have to say? I am putting them in an impossibly difficult place. But is it so wrong of me to not to want to be alone? Is it wrong of me to want to feel like I am not broken or damaged, and want to feel like I have people I can come back to no matter what? But maybe that opportunity is not meant for me anymore. Maybe this is all I am meant to get from relationships at this point. I should be more grateful for what I have, for my friends, and for everything that they have done for me, but I can’t help but want for more. But alas, friendships aren’t meant to be used for self-gratification, for me to feel liked, loved, accepted. For me to feel like me, just once, in my fucked up life. please… But maybe this is a sign that instead of trying so hard to get something that is impossible to get, I should learn to live and adapt to what people’s emotional capacities are. I should be willing to sacrifice my wants, needs and desires, and be real with the rest of the world. Because in reality, the time has passed for the world to be able to meet my wants, needs, and desires. Now the world will never be enough.

*Trigger Warnings: Mentions of death and passing, grief, loss of family members, illnesses, and emotional breakdowns.*

Thursday, Oct. 27th, 2022 Part 2

4:46pm

Last night, Angel asked me about Granny (my great grandmother) and I told her about Granny’s conditions. After I answered, Gem asked me a lot of deep questions about how I felt about the situation. I’m not ready to witness Granny’s conditions firsthand, even if it’s over the phone. I feel this fear and pressure about addressing the situation. After I finished expressing that vulnerable feeling, she asked if she could give me a suggestion. I had the immediate thought and feeling of apprehension to say, “Not at this time.”, but instead, I nodded my head because I wanted her to feel that she had the space to support me. And, because of the pressure of her being Angel’s partner and the choice of saying no, seemed like a possibility for either of them to feel hurt by that. 

She then proceed to tell me things she wished she had done when time was leading up to her grandmother’s passing. She was extremely triggered and started to sob as she spoke. Then, Angel shared about her experience grieving her grandmother by celebrating her life, with photos and altars, and finding comfort in the qualities in herself that she got from her grandmother. Gem brought up her grandfather afterwards, and talked about that time while crying as she relived it. Angel was getting up and leaving, finding things to do around the apartment, through that part of the conversation as Gem spoke.

Once she finished, I told the both of them that I appreciated what they shared with me, and thank you. But, I really didn’t mean it. I appreciated that they wanted to help and support me, but what transpired and what they said was not what I was expecting or what I needed/wanted in that moment. When I said that I wasn’t ready and as I shutdown when thinking about what they were saying, I thought that it was understood that I also did not want to get in too deep either. Gem inserting herself in my moment of vulnerability with Angel at first, then speaking about her periods of grief while crying, shifted the conversation out of my comfort zone, worsened my fear and anxiety of my Granny’s health, and centered the conversation from me to her. It was triggering and much more emotional than what I wanted. While she and Angel spoke, it was so hard to stay present and not disassociate. I wasn’t trying to go through that and it left me feeling empty and numb afterwards. Throughout that conversation, all I was doing was imagining the many different scenarios of confronting Granny’s illnesses, her death, and after, I almost cried too as she spoke about her grandfather. It was filled with such heaviness. I wasn’t ready then, and I’m still not ready…

Part 1

oliverstarkk: Thanks for having me @/abookof - you can purchase my collectors issue through the link on their page x

Duality

I just found this drawing in an old folder. About time I finished it!

suga is cheering you on :>

The orange kitty presented...