I Broke Again Today.
I broke again today.
Well, not really broke. But currently I’m quietly crying.
I do miss you. I really do. I saw a video where it was two people who called each other mama and bunny and it just reminded me so much of you. It reminded me so fucking much of you.
I miss you more than anything. I know that we should go out separate ways and that we shouldn’t be in each other’s lives, but I miss you still. I hate that it ended the way it did. I don’t even know if we still would’ve been friends, I don’t know anything about what could’ve happened because it won’t. And that’s okay. I really don’t need you in my life anyways.
You make me really sad about myself sometimes. I wonder why you treated me the way you do, but also realize you were also facing a lot. Maybe this is the way it should’ve been, where we didn’t even interact with each other at all. I miss you. It feels like such a big piece of me is missing, but I know that the void gets filled more and more everyday.
You did leave me with a lot of things to deal with, but I don’t have to deal with them on my own. I’m getting out more. I got a job. I’m back in school, and am going to attend big school things like homecoming and prom without worrying about you or wishing you were there. I know you projected a lot of your insecurity on me. And I’m sorry that you had to do that.
I’m also sorry that I might’ve added onto your insecurities too. My messages to you were hateful. But I’m not going to block you and apologize. I still honestly believe you deserved to be brutally humbled. It doesn’t make me feel any less guilty. And I still miss you. I miss you a lot, and sort of appreciate you reaching out. It meant you missed me, and that made me feel good for awhile. But I don’t need your validation anymore, you never really validated me anyways.
I gave my all to you, and while you didn’t give it back, I am glad that I was at least able to share my kindness. I am happy that i was kind enough to share my love with someone who I thought was nice. It means I’m a nice person, and you made me feel I wasn’t a lot of the time. But I only know that you were doing that because of your personal issues you took out on me. Maybe you just need to grow up.
I still miss you. I really do. And sometimes I wonder if I should’ve just stayed with you instead of breaking it off. But breaking it off is worth it. I will not hurt myself, I will not go to a mental hospital, I will not attempt nor commit suicide over you. I will handle this right this time. I am allowed to miss you and miss the happy memories we did share while also knowing that this was a good thing for me. I hate you a lot still, but the hatred lessens everyday, and I become neutral about you. I don’t know what I want to happen to you, but whatever it is, I hope it’s far away from me. I hope it never enters my life. Maybe one day we will talk again, and you’ll be better, and we can possibly become friends. But I don’t even want that, really.
I am still hurting, because I spent so much time with you in 7 months. But I was just fine before I met you, meaning I can be fine without you too. I know I can, and I have. Things will look up for me. And me missing you will lessen. Me wishing I could’ve shut up will be completely tarnished. You will not be in my brain anymore. You will then miss me again, you’ll regret what you have done, and I’ll be everything your brain consumes. And I’m glad for that. Just so I can let you know that I am much better without you.
I miss you. But I’m glad you aren’t here anymore.
More Posts from Dysfunctjon and Others
It felt like I was back in that relationship all over again finding out she lied to me I feel like death I’m going to fucking relapse I hate this I hate my body I hate my everything I just wish I was cis I hate my self
I don’t have anybody
I genuinely am such a fucking loser
I don’t know what I’m gonna do or how to get out I don’t know I’m so scared I think I’m in psychosis just don’t know but I’m in Hell I’m in fucking Hell I’m in purgatory I don’t know what it is but I’ve had so many chances I could’ve died but i wasn’t taken out because he wants me here to make me suffer there’s no other reason I’m alive he’s purposely doing this TK me he’s purposely fucking doing this to me he hates me and I don’t know why I don’t want god to hate me just just want to be a good person but I’m not I don’t know how I could ever make him foggiveme fuck man I’m so terrified itfuckjng makes me so upset I can’t do it I can’t
I am so embarrassed that I made a scene and it’s honestly making all of this so much worse. I feel awful and I never want to show my face again
Why can’t you just fucking suffer for once in your stupid fucking life why do I have to suffer what you’ve done to me why can’t you understand how fucked up you are
I miss my mom so much I can’t stop bawling my fucking eyes out
I still love you so much I’m sorry please come back I’m about to snap and beg you to come back I love you so much I’m sorry please forgive me I’m so sorry I miss you so fucking much I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
It is genuinely unbelievable just how fucking putrid and ugly I am. Not only will I never pass but I’m doomed to look and sound like the most hideous girl in the world. Once my boyfriend leaves me I will have nobody, because nobody wants to have or to be with an ugly girl.
I have lost everything. I mean literally fucking everything. I have lost my dearest friends who made me feel alive, I’ve lost my beauty, I’ve lost any interest in anything, I’ve lost my talent, I’ve lost my personality; even my best fucking friend of almost 4 years could care less if I got hit by a fucking car. I am nothing anymore. I am a literal basement dwelling leech. I am an ugly retard. I am hideous and I will never be anything to anybody.
I plan on blowing my brains out soon. I remember the code of the gun safe and I am planning to write a pretty lengthy note. I’m going to paint the fucking walls with my goddamn brain matter. I can’t handle living like this. I can’t be miserable like this anymore. No matter how good things seem, it will never be meant for me. It will never be directed toward me. Nothing matters. I will end up kicked out of this house with nobody to go to, get hooked on hard drugs and overdose in the city of Lancaster Pennsylvania.
Even when I die I will be mocked at the hands of people who will be worth more than me when they die. I will always be a laughingstock. My tombstone will have my real name on it. I won’t be remembered for anything besides my mother’s mistake, and a troubled, retarded, embarrassing, mentally stunted girl.
I am miserable. I hate myself. I do not look in mirrors anymore and I don’t take pictures of myself because I am so fucking ugly. I am ashamed Everytime I go into public and dressing up will never cover up how disgusting and deformed I look. I want to rip my face off so nobody can recognize who I am. Everyone who sees me are shocked that somebody so hideous could ever have the bravery to go outside and pretend to be function-able when everyone can clearly see through me. I am so ashamed of myself. I’m guilty and disgusting. I hate myself
I need help so bad please god I can’t do it I cannot describe how in pain I am all of the time I can’t fucking do it
TW FOR EXTREMELY HEAVY VENTING I CANNOT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. PERSONAL VENT AND INTRUSIVE THOUGHT DIARY
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