Ella-melon - Ella

Can't decide whether it's funnier to say "my hungry ass could never work at a" and then say something that implies you're eating something truly grotesque or something that just, makes no sense

A footjob is not enough, I need a footcareer

hey sorry for getting really pissy at you earlier because I could hear you chewing. see I have a condition called [remembers pathologizing my behavior is unhelpful] it's actually because I hate you, specifically,

On the topic of English people being shitheads towards Welsh people - This fucking dude today on AITA

The best quotes from mumbos new episode:

- it is time to craft some hermits

- we've got the world's smallest industrial egg farm

- i don't know what's wrong with me, I'm just really enjoying mass pollution at the moment

- if season 8 was peace, love and plants than season 10 is pollute, poison and plants, industrial power plants of course

- Jill is there to buy everything, if it even looks remotely curious she'll want to buy it, even if it's totally falling apart. Bill is there to make sure it doesn't totally fall apart

- I hope this doesn't break the illusion too much but uh, Ron has no body

- time to kill myself many more times. Wearing many more heads

- now it's time to die a lot. And do you know what the most effective way of dying a lot is. Messaging Geminitay

- I'm not gonna complain about e-girl mumbo

- you're so much more naked

- look gem I was only going for the heads, I didn't know what the bodies were doing, I was only looking at the heads

- you wouldn't kill a child dressed as a dinasaur would you gem - mumbo

I would - gem

- now this one's just called puffa jacket

- you look good in pink

- I was captivated by the handsomeness but no you're right, I don't have a mouth

- you know that did more psychological damage to me than any hit with your sword

- if you kill this guy all of Argentina is gonna come for you

- gangnam style dude

- I can't kill punk babe

- your knees are nude and I hate that sentence

- I'm like a goth icon

- knees are out, strong brows, shoulders are out, you're in danger gem

- have you ever tried to look at your own knees. You don't have them. Crazy

All in all, it was a hilarious episode and I love mumbo

B

boo

I spent a lot of time handcuffed and in a cage in high school, for a charity bit the grocery store I worked at would do

the bit was that I was "put in jail for having too big a heart" and customers could donate to my bail to get me out (and the money would go to a children's hospital or something)

now. I was very clearly a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a large cage. and I would honestly tell people that I had been in there for hours. and people would say, that's terrible! that's awful! and I would show them my wrists red from the tight handcuffs, and say but I'm sooooooo close to making bail.

and then they would dump some cash in the basket, I'd thank them, and they'd walk away.

and every so often, one of the managers would come by and collect some of the cash, so I could keep being soooooo close to making bail.

I was very good with this bit. Parents with small kids would pay $5-10 if I told their children I had been placed in jail for not cleaning my room/doing my homework, etc. For people in their 20s, I'd threaten that I was very bad at playing the harmonica, but I WOULD play it and we'd all suffer unless they paid me. and for the most amount of money, older men in suits would almost always pay $20s if I avoided eye contact and stammered a lot.

eventually, the managers started to feel bad because I was in the cage so fucking long and often, that I'd need someone to brace me when I got out because I'd have no feeling in my legs. wobbling like a newborn giraffe.

but I would also rake in at LEAST $100 an hour in charity.

so they were like, hey champ. can we, uh, give you a pillow to sit on. in the cage. would you like a pillow so you're not just sitting on a cold metal slab. can we give you a pillow.

and I had to explain to them that if they gave me a pillow, people would think I was more comfortable, so they wouldn't feel as bad, so I'd bring in less money.

the compromise was that they'd bring me a nice coffee every couple hours, which I would have to try to block with my body from the customers.

all this money went to charity. that's what the money was for. it's what was on the sign. but how much they were willing to pay was very contingent on how comfortable I looked, never mind the fact that I was still a teenaged employee handcuffed inside a cage.

and out of the dozens of shifts I did this on, not ONCE did ANYONE say, hey kid I'm going to go talk to your manager because what the fuck is going on here. they would just drop money in the basket, and I'd thank them and sip from my secret drink.

I actually had people get MAD at me that I told them I was far away from bail, they donated like $15, and then 20 minutes I got let out because my shift ended.

again. the money was for charity. it was on the sign that was very clearly placed on the upper half of my cage.

so yeah. even when people think they mean well. people can be really, really fucking stupid.

my actual coming out story is in fifth grade a guy named asa was like "hey are you a faggot" and i was like what's that 😨 and he was like "it means you like boys" and i was like ohhhhh then yes ☺️ and then i got home from school and was like hey mom guess what i am ☺️

Imagine a bladeless knife with no handle. Now put the handle back. Now put the blade back. Yaaaay! everything okay! Yaaaaaaay!