“My Name, Dear Saint, Is Hateful To Myself...”

sewis and a few of my favorite moments of their shared career

1. “don’t let off, i need you fighting with me next year.” “i promise.” 2. “what was the turning point in your relationship with lewis? “maybe baku 2017.” 3. “he drove a nice race, put me under a lot of pressure and i really enjoyed that. we share great respect amongst each other.” 4. “we’re witnessing you making history.” 5. “lewis is the greatest of our era.” 

rip the umbrella

Okay I’m writing a mcu/xmcu crossover dadneto fic. Next chapter will be up before the end of the day.

My favourite dynamic 🥰

For my partner who won’t read this...

Hello. So, my partner, who I love very dearly, is currently in the slow process of reading If We Were Villains because truthfully I. Will. Not. Shut. Up.

And they absolutely love to push my buttons because they know how much I love this book and just want to see me biting my tongue to not give them spoilers that prove their theories wrong.

One of their all-time favorite things to say is that they don’t believe me when I say James is gay.

“If he doesn’t specifically say ‘I’m gay’ in the book, I don’t count it.”

Okay, fair. Do I believe James is 100% gay? Maybe, maybe not. However, the man is queer as hell and since my morals won’t allow me to spoil anything to them, I’m gonna rant about it here.

Welcome to GardenSprout’s Top Ten James-Is-Gay Moments of IWWV!

“I was convinced I had survived the third-year purge because James would have been moody and sullen without me.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act I, Scene 1)

Sixteen pages in and Oliver is telling us readers that James values him enough to have thrown a hissy fit and boycotted the rest of the year if Gwendolyn and Fredrick had kicked out his boyfriend best friend. Sure, you could take this as platonic “I want to act with my bestie”, but knowing what we do at the end of the book, I highly doubt it’s that simple. James is a wonder to behold and there is no way it was just “I’m gonna miss my roommate” depression.

“He spent a month prowling around our room in the dark before he was sufficiently absorbed in the role to pounce on me in my sleep.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act I, Scene 9)

…

Does this look like a straight man to you?

I rest my case.

Moving on:

    “‘Now,’ Camilo said, putting one hand on each of our shoulders, ‘you two are famously good friends, aren’t you?’     We smirked at each other.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act I, Scene 9)

If that isn’t a “sharing a secret” look, then I don’t know what is. These two already know they are way more than “famously good friends”, but that’s way too much to get into, so they just give that look. A look is all you need sometimes.

“He smeared the blood around my face and chest and shoulders, rakes his fingers through my hair to make it stand on end.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act I, Scene 12)

For this moment, I would actually like to call attention to a comment said partner made that completely deflates their entire argument.

So, they were skimming through the book to help me look for something and stumbled across this little scene here. After reading this one section, knowing zero context at all, they said:

“The fact that this is so unnecessarily intimate made me know it was James.”

I spent, like, 5 minutes laughing after that.

However, only a queer person knows how to make pouring gross-smelling fake blood over your same sex roommate/best friend intimate.

    “A warm hand landed on the back of my neck; I didn’t know whose. … ‘Breathe, Oliver.’     I unclenched my jaw and inhaled. James’s hand slid to my shoulder.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act II, Scene 6)

For context: this is the scene during opening night of Julius Caesar where Richard smacks Oliver in the ear, right before Oliver, James, and Alex form the plan to get revenge.

Does James have to touch him to help Oliver feel better? No. Does he do it anyway? Adorably, yes.

Okay, arguably, this scene more shows Oliver being gay for James, but come on. How is this moment straight?

*Clears throat*

Don’t ask me how many quotes from the “Thanksgiving in Ohio” scene I’m about to pull out.

“His mouth inched shyly toward a grin. ‘We’re not such strange bedfellows.’“

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act III, Scene 9)

Honestly, do I need anymore evidence? This man shows up out of the blue to Oliver’s home because Oliver. Is. His. Safe. Place. This man has just murdered a man in self defense and his first thought after “I don’t wanna bother anyone so I’ll just go to Broadwater” is “I want Oliver”. Oliver even says that he looked “more like himself than he had in weeks” right after asking to share the bed.

At this point, I firmly believe I have enough evidence, but this is my SlytherClaw partner so I’m gonna keep going.

“He said it so readily that he must have been thinking of it, too. I almost laughed and turned to find him pulling back the comforter, eyes brighter than they’d been before.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act III, Scene 9)

Context: Del Norte. The fact that they were both thinking about it at the same time. They fell asleep naked on a beach, reciting freaking Pericles and drinking out of a wine bottle. If that’s not a gay date, I don’t know what is.

“‘Who’s your boyfriend, Oliver?’ … ‘I’m James. Lovely to meet you both.’“

“If he was at all embarrassed, he didn’t let on.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act III, Scene 10)

Combining these two quotes cuz they kinda go hand in hand. This man is so casual over the concept of “being Oliver’s boyfriend” and I firmly believe he reacted like that to see Oliver’s reaction. I bet you anything that man was not embarrassed, but actually thrived off of being seen as his boyfriend. Not to mention his casual jealousy when mentioning Meredith.

“His palm was pressed against my shirt, his fingers splayed across my collarbone. I waited for him to pull me closer or push me away. But he only stared at his hand, like it was something strange he’d never seen before.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act IV, Scene 7)

They almost kissed. I want to know how this scene evolved after Oliver stopped narrating and how James started acting once he stepped back. I’m sorry, I live for awkward, flustered James Farrow.

“If they’d had claws they would have mauled each other … I wanted to look away but I couldn’t – it was like watching a car crash.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act IV, Scene 9)

If you’re really desperate for context: James and Meredith making out for 5 seconds in the middle of class.

Look, there are m a n y quotes I could have pulled from this trainwreck of a moment, but they all revert back to one specific vibe. This scene gives “gay man being forced/forcing himself to like a woman” and it makes me uncomfy. Nothing about this scene gives me the feeling of James was actually experiencing everything Gwendolyn was telling him he felt. He is repulsed by her because of 1. the stunt she’d pulled on him in their first year and 2. he is subconsciously fighting with her about Oliver. He’s not into this!

And he exited the room immediately. I bet he felt disgusted with himself after pulling that, not to mention guilty that Oliver had to watch it. It was just a big bag of yikes all around and no one enjoyed it.

“I think he was so enamored with you because you were so enamored with him.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Prologue)

Colborne is a straight man and even he can see that these idiots were obsessed with each other.

“Wren, come up to bed with me, please.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Scene 2)

He does not want her. He is doing this to spite Oliver and no other reason. He even looks over at Oliver and his expression is described as “strange and bitter and vindictive”. He is running on spite alone. And guilt, but that one’s obvious.

“’Why don’t you and Oliver just admit you’re queer for each other and leave my girls alone?’”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Scene 5)

Sure, take whatever bs Richard says with a grain of salt, but if we’re talking about undeniable evidence, here ya go.

“He stared up at me for a moment, then lifted his head and pulled me down to meet him. It was almost a brotherly kiss, but not quite. Too fragile, too painful.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Scene 6)

We’re gonna casually ignore Oliver being an idiot by saying this was “almost brotherly” and just focus on James. This man full well knows he’s going to prison as soon as Colborne asks him anything. He is fully prepared to throw his life away the second he’s confronted. So, in his mind, this is the last chance he will ever have to kiss Oliver and give him some kind of sign of everything he’s ever felt about him.

“When I refused again, he pulled my hand across the table, kissed it, and turned to leave.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Scene 7)

I have to reread these damn scenes for this and I am in pain. Six freaking years later and James is still holding onto Oliver, still in love, still begging him to let him take his place. I feel for him so much and I just want to hug him.

“And he said, ‘What are you thinking about?’ I said, ‘The same thing you’re thinking about.’ We didn’t even need to say your name.”

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Epilogue)

He was thinking about Oliver while kissing Meredith. There is no doubt in my mind that the reason James kissed her (then and during Gwendolyn’s class) is the same reason Meredith gives Oliver during this scene: trying to understand him.

And, finally, undeniably:

“‘I knew then, I just pretended not to.’ ‘So did I. So did he.’“

- If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio (Act V, Epilogue)

Oliver “Oblivious-fur-seal” Marks finally admitting to himself as well as someone else that he knew the entire time that James was in love with him. If you had figured this out ten years ago, Oliver, none of this would have happened and you and James would be living in some cute apartment building with all of your friends being successful Shakespeare actors, but no. You thought you were in love with Meredith.

*Sigh* Men.

Anyway, if you read this entire rant, well done. Sorry for repeating things you already knew. If anyone has more moments I missed, please let me know cuz I’d love to highlight them in my book, but yeah. Have this stream of consciousness, I guess.

Coming here…gave me meaning again.

"Don't push me, I'm gonna cry." ☹

Words to describe someone’s voice

adenoidal (adj) :  some of the sound seems to come through their nose.

appealing (adj): voice shows that you want help, approval, or agreement.

breathy (adj): with loud breathing noises.

booming (adj): very loud and attention-getting.

brittle (adj): if you speak in a brittle voice, you sound as if you are about to cry.

croaky (adj): they speak in a low, rough voice that sounds as if they have a sore throat.

grating (adj): a grating voice, laugh, or sound is unpleasant and annoying.

gravelly (adj): a gravelly voice sounds low and rough.

high-pitched (adj): true to its name, a high-pitched voice or sound is very high.

honeyed (adj): honeyed words or a honeyed voice sound very nice, but you cannot trust the person who is speaking.

matter-of-fact (adj): usually used if the person speaking knows what they are talking about (or absolutely think they know what they are talking about).

penetrating (adj): a penetrating voice is so high or loud that it makes you slightly uncomfortable.

raucous (adj): a raucous voice or noise is loud and sounds rough.

rough (adj): a rough voice is not soft and is unpleasant to listen to.

shrill (adj): a shrill voice is very loud, high, and unpleasant.

silvery (adj): this voice is clear, light, and pleasant.

stentorian (adj): a stentorian voice sounds very loud and severe.

strangled (adj): a strangled sound is one that someone stops before they finish making it.

strident (adj): this voice is loud and unpleasant.

thick (adj): if your voice is thick with an emotion, it sounds less clear than usual because of the emotion.

tight (adj): shows that you are nervous or annoyed.

toneless (adj): does not express any emotion.

wheezy (adj): a wheezy noise sounds as if it is made by someone who has difficulty breathing.

the facts that there's still not a reunion fic on isildur and elendil is making me mad af