Mortal Eye

214- An Azealia Banks Parody

In Cork City, I get the 214 Bus. It is notoriously late and the drivers are very often rude. Combining that with an Azealia Banks parody I wrote ages ago. Hey, you can't be the driver I'm ready to pay, but you put the price up And the timetable you just slice up you can see I've been stuck here reading the paper And that curb careless driving, you're gonna scrape her Don't want to be the customer a-bitchin' We got to resolve this sit-uation. this bus should be main streetin' I'm running late for that fucking meeting But my point of view you don't give a look in Maybe a taxi, i should be be booking Guess that cunt shouldn't be drivin' that bus should be arriving that bus should be arriving that bus should be arriving waiting on the 214 On the sarsfield road forevermore fucking bus route never gonna make it in, that's the fucking truth But what the fuck you gonna do I mean the bus service isn't just for little old you But the rude staff in bus aras couldn't even make it to the fucking chorus every stop on the way in I feel like i need to be sayin push the button to beep let the driver know in case He's falling asleep that's my stop yo, just chill bro if i need some time to work my change don't be giving a wigga a look that strange coins are hard to sift thru don't need no conductor giving short shrift too I'm going to complain you cunt I'm going to complain you cunt I'm going to complain you cunt Replay O, Replay O I heard Azelia was a one hit wonder (wonder) Tell em you heard where she ended up Say I'm parodying but I aint complaining about her The label will drop you, drop you, soon the bus will never be on time, time, time, time What you gone do when the bus isn't here? When that fails to appear Bitch at the end of the phone line to a peer this never on time, time What you gone do when you're running late who are you gonna berate (berate) this shit is whine, whine,  Bitch Im waiting on the 214 it's as unreliable as urban folklore for fuckin' sure Patrick's street is off this bus tour Got my ipod on shuffle, it lands on the mighty Cure Fuck you gonna do what's your mp3 player like what music you into? see a bus on a wider view what does the number on that look like to you? if it's 216, I'm going to blow a fuse getting no kicks out of this bus-terfuge if it's 219, I'm going to bust a cap into the bus drivers ticket machine trap You think I give a crap im the fly in this fucking ointment so i'm late for another appointment Now i don't have the correct amount, no struggling with shrapnel and im running out of time to count though It's going to cause, a fuss I'm a ruin you bus What you going to do when the bus appear When it finally gets its shit into gear This shit aint worth a dime, dime What you going to do when the bus stop clears an answers to our prayers this shit's been whine, whine.

Living, A Lie

So you’re really doing it?

Yeah.

And you’ve thought everything through?

Jesus, yes.

Are you sure? I mean this isn’t something you can just change back if you’re not happy!

Would you just stop! I haven’t considered this lightly. This is what I want. Would you just support me in this?

Well look I’m here for you. No question. But this sort of thing...it makes me...uncomfortable. I’m sorry but I can’t help it. You are talking to the wrong person. I mean you know what I’m like...what my nature is...

I know, I know. A lot of people are going to feel that way but that’s their problem and it’s yours too. I can’t live my life as...a li...as this...just to make you feel better.

You’ve picked a name then?

Yes.

Care to share?

Ha, it'll be very accurate or maybe even Gospel.

Slandy won’t like it. Slandy can take a running jump. Or a rumoured one.

Well if you do this, you two can’t hang out anymore!

I know. Maybe that’s a good thing. Slandy is always talking shit about people. I've never liked it.

Oh wait a minute! Never liked it?! You were in cahoots! I saw the two of ye take apart many a person over the years.

Well I’ve changed. That stuff we used to do.I did it cause I felt I was supposed to. Playing a part that was decided for me by others...But no. I’ve changed.

Not yet. But you’re going to. You know...you won’t be able to wear the same clothes. They'll be less colourful...

I’ll have nicer clothes. Plus I dig the style. It’ll suit me.

And your family. Are they being cool about this?

Ha, well considering my family I’d have to expect to never know what they’re really thinking!

Well Fib is being...well Fib. I mean Fib has his own problems. He got married recently to Guess. She’s very much an Educated one, that girl but it’s still hard work. A member of the Lie family with someone who may or may not be right.

So it’s Guess-work then ammiright?

Har har. What about your Myther? How is she coping with all this?

She doesn’t want to talk to me about it and that’s fine.

She’s from an older generation. My grandfather Fable wouldn’t be able to handle this either. She keeps asking me, didn’t I learn anything from his stories?

When is the operation?

Honestly...and ha...I better get used to that word, I’ll be using it a lot more, I haven’t decided yet. 

I’ll have to tell Slandy..I mean Slander before it’s all over the Libel Express! But it’s happening? You’re really getting a text change?

Yes, really! The Lie you see before you today, the Lie you’ve been living with these last few years has decided to change its gender. This time next year I’ll be a Truth. Always honest, sometimes uncomfortable but never wavering from what is right. I want people to see me walking on the street and say: "Well aint that...the truth?" I mean I had fun, all my running around, living in that rough Falsehood with all those Frauds but my last relationship with Deceit showed me. I’m just not happy any more. So what do you think about that Ms. Prejudice?

The folly of Truth, as my mother would say.

She’s biased.

No, her name is just Bias.

Pre-Nups and the Pope- A Poem for Exit Strategy

A little while ago the talented duo Leah Hearne and Eszter Nemethi asked me to contribute a poem to their excellent genre-straddling piece of work entitled "Exit Strategy". It deals with the theme of people having escape plans from situations and aspects of their lives.  Given the title "Pre-Nups and the Pope" and a loose idea of what the play was about I went to create something flippant and word play heavy. I tried to structure it a little like a song, even though I know that some of the phrasing would make that next to impossible but it's why I added a  "chorus" of sorts and a "bridge part"! It was also to see if I could find enough rhymes for "Pre-nups". The poem, alas, did not make the play but I'm proud enough of it, so I present it here instead.

While some people like to see how things will play out, Others even at beginnings always have  a way out, Despite a strong mind or any designations, People are resigned to their many resignations People will risk some damaged cred to escape from this, their marriage bed

But when it comes to leaving others get on their box of soap We all live in a world of half filled cups and those who mope a world of pre-nups and the Pope. You think half way through surgery the Doctor skips out? Or that a sea captain is in a hurry to leave his vessel once it ships out? It is a truism to sing that a winner would never quit Truer wisdom is something to which you must fully commit If people are ready to try and opt out Couldn't that be just nothing more than a cop out?

But when it comes to an exit some people just say "Well nope", We all live in a world of hang ups and those who can't cope a world of pre nups and the Pope.

When you make a promise you stick with it to the bitter end, If you're honest you shouldn't be quick with it to run out my friend Despite a Holy and divine Edict He was still able to resign that Benedict You think if Jesus had said "Anyone instead of me!" He would have been waiting around in the Garden of Gethsemane!

Of the human condition this is but a recurring trope Everything is a potential prison and we all look beyond our scope to see whats what's up in this kaleidoscope in this world of pre nups and the Pope

(Bridge part)

Following a Crowd, before ducking out A situation that is probably sucking out your time and your very own space When you were a kid, did you ever leave a race?

There should always been a safety net But bravery usually means "not safe yet" You're turning your back on faith, well that's just atheism You're running out on your country, where's your patriotism? It doesn't matter if you're a fool or a prodigy Everyone is after their very own exit stratey.

And we all in our various ways go through this type of thing in these precarious days We all walk the tightrope Don't look down at the sheer drops or the steep slope Oh dear, the pre nups and the Pope! Authors Note: Exit Strategy have set up a fundit to take their production to Dublin. Support it if you can here: http://www.fundit.ie/project/exit-strategy-to-dublin-fringe-festival

50 years of Star Trek

10 episodes from each of the 5 series to give an overview of 50 episodes of the franchise I love. I will also give honourable mentions and name what I consider the weakest episode along with 2 other sections. “Praise the Prophets” will discuss elements I think are overpraised and “Cloaked from Consciousness” will discuss underrated aspects.  This is by no means anything definitive. I wrote this on the fly just to celebrate TREK and invariably will be episodes I have forgotten but part of the fun is in going with gut instinct and seeing which stand out to me.  Also multi part episodes have been condensed to one pick for the sake of sanity. This gets tougher with Deep Space 9 and Enterprise which had more serialised storylines. There will be brief notes on each episode. To avoid ranking episodes I present them in season order. The Original Series Season 1 1.  “Where No Man has Gone Before”. Gary on Star Trek…

The second pilot and third episode broadcast due to TOS’ odd airing of episodes (production order vs. broadcast order is indeed a tangled tholian web of continuity) this episode sets out the Trek stall pretty early using a pet premise from Roddenberry, man being granted the power of a God. I also enjoy the rough around the edges characterisations and approach due to the fact that this was the first proper outing for a show still in flux. Lofty and a touch silly which to me is Trek in a nutshell. 2. “The Menagerie”. Cagey attitudes… An irresistible premise in Spock being court martialled which eloquently manages to incorporate footage from the first Trek pilot “The Cage”. Getting to see Captain Pike (Jeffrey Hunter) in full flight alongside the mysterious Number One (franchise institution Majel Barrett) is wonderful and this is an episode that feels like it has real jeopardy. The only two parter from the Original series. 3.  “The Conscience of the King” The Play’s the King… A complex moral dilemma as Kirk stumbles across an actor who may have been a mass murderer in the past, this is an episode suffused with Shakespearean references which serves its knotty narrative well. 4. “Balance of Terror” Das Shoot… The Romulans make their first on-screen appearance in a tense spaceship battle that feels like a dry run for elements of Wrath of Khan. Buoyed by Mark Lenard’s dignified performance as the unnamed Romulan commander this is a seminal original series episode defining one of Treks great villainous races.

 5. “Space Seed”

The scrapes of wrath… An episode with a real Khan-do attitude this is a fantastic introduction to Trek’s most enduring bad guy (for better or worse) Montablan is elegant and suave and it gives us one of the show’s most ridiculous and gloriously entertaining round of fisticuffs between the Khan and Kirk, a trope wisely not repeated in the Wrath of Khan. 6. The City on the Edge of Forever Not the real McCoy… Trek sometimes struggles with convincing romances but here in the relative short timeframe of a single episode Kirk contemplates altering time forever for the love of a good woman. There’s a lived in feeling to the episode that adds to its genuine pathos. Stone cold classic, with a Keeler of an ending. Season 2 7. Amok Time Some Vulcan sulkin’…

Pon Farr and that music would be enough but as someone who loves Vulcans this episode was a treat for exploring that race’s culture. It was a confident opener to the second series of the show and an instant classic. This was the episode I watched the night I heard Leonard Nimoy had died and it’s a great tribute. 8.  Mirror, Mirror The Terran-able twos... The ubiquity of the goatee (a great statement) across pop culture may blunt its impact but Trek’s first trip to the Mirror universe retains its core themes of hopeful optimism. This episode has become a touchstone for a whole genre of dystopian alternate timelines and is meaty enough to still be provocative. 9.  The Trouble with Tribbles

Cyrano Jonesin’… An absolute romp and again its iconic nature and subsequent re-visit via a future episode might take the shine off the original but this is just fun stuff, a silly adventure story for our gang where most of the characters get some interesting roles to play. Sadly, the show didn’t always dish things out quite like that. Season 3 10. Day of the Dove Do the Kang Kang…

Energy beings were always toying with the Enterprise and Klingons were a constant looming threat so this episode combines the two to great effect. Klingons are given some much needed shading and Michael Ansara’s performance as Kang is one for the ages. HM: Let that be your last battlefield: Heavy handed but iconic with its images and Frank Gorshin is a treasure. Arena: Gorn addiction. Worst: The Way to Eden: Space Hippies.Sigh... PtP: Some of the much trumpeted social commentary feels a bit overemphasised. There’s no denying Star Trek tackled themes and allegory but it was often a very silly show that was just plain wacky. Nothing wrong with that at all! I sometimes think people overpraise the shows soapbox elements to the detriment of its goofier side. CfC: TOS is a pop culture artefact and has been very much pored over but an element that is overlooked is the crew outside the Kirk/ Spock/ McCoy trinity. While some are quite underwritten there is a solid support there from the secondary characters and a recurring roster with Yeoman Rand, Christine Chapel et al. Comments: Season 1 gets the most love.

The Next Generation

Season 2: 1. The Measure of a Man Soong-rise of the machines… No surprises here, TNG’s first classic and still one of the most beloved instalments. Despite being a somewhat wobbly premise in theory (all this stuff with Data’s rights as a being surely would have come up as he was entering Star Fleet) this is still powerful material and features the best characterisation of Picard up to that point. The measured Picard of the halcyon days of TNG took time to develop. I still believe he is a cranky weirdo in the first two seasons of the show but this was the episode that really began to create my favourite Trek Captain. Peerless. Season 3: 2. Deja Q The real Suddenly Human… A funny episode that evolves Q’s character and gives him some of his best lines. There is a long held belief between my brother and I that the crew constantly misunderstand Q. He is always met with suspicion that he is lying but never really has. He’s so powerful he has no reason for subterfuge. He put humanity on trial. He granted Riker powers. He lost his own abilities here. Picard was responsible for the destruction of humanity. The list goes on and on and I always find it funny that once per Q episode a character will say something along the lines of “But what’s he really up to? Or what isn’t he telling us?” Nothing you fools, he’s mischievous but straight up! Anyway a great episode that ends with Data laughing. Sublime. 3. Yesterday’s Enterprise. I Enterprise C what you did there… Taut, thrilling, complex and finally something for Tasha Yar to do two seasons after she died. A glimpse into the tough war like show Star Trek could have been (and perhaps flirted with in DS9) this is a famously thrown together episode, various drafts and writers coming together to make it work so the fact that it’s a classic is a miracle. All the better for being a done in one. 4. The Best of Both Worlds

FIRE on the Bridge…

I can’t add anything to this that hasn’t entered the public consciousness already. Locutus of Borg, that doomsday choir, the cube, resistan…well it’s futile to quote. TNG was a wolf 359 in sheep’s clothing all this time! Season 4 5. Redemption That’s no way to Gowron an empire… A personal favourite which has political intrigue causing schisms in the Klingon empire. Introduces Gowron (played by Robert O’Reilly the most unblinking of actors I have ever seen) and ties into several episodes of Worf’s personal arc as well as Yesterday’s Enterprise. Masterful. Season 5 6. Darmok The language warrior… The episode that created a meme and a thoughtful exploration of cultural differences. I’m not sure the logic of an entire language based on metaphors is particularly sound but as an allegory and an episode it’s so well-crafted that to complain would be churlish. Shaka, when the walls fell. 7. The Inner Light Time flutes when you’re having fun… I mentioned earlier about the slow process of Picard settling as a character but this episode gives Patrick Stewart the best work he’s done as Picard lives out an entire life in less than a half an hour. The script really sells the idea of a life lived and despite it having that studio bound feeling of many Trek planet and civilisations this world feels more authentic than normal. Season 6

 8. Tapestry

Taking my Q from this… An insight into Picard’s past and an ambiguous treatise on his relationship with Q this episode’s conceit is brilliantly sustained giving a Quantum Leap-esque shot for Picard to right the wrongs of his past. The dull dreary present he finds himself in is quietly devastating in its way and total contrasts for how timelines are usually altered for the apocalyptic. Seeing Picard as such an uninspired non-entity is truly depressing.

 Season 7

9. The Pegasus Riker taken down a peg or two… This might surprise people but I just really love this episode. A great guest turn from Terry O’Quinn and it examines some disconnects from Riker’s character in which he can oscillate from fun loving rogue to oddly stoic stick in the mud. This episode provides a rationale for an officer who found blindly following duty could lead to questionable decisions and tough choices. Also the Enterprise gets to cloak! 10. All Good Things Picard’s picking the cards… Arguably my favourite episode of all Star Trek, the episode is a celebration of a great tv show. With Generations on the horizon the episode didn’t have to round off the characters’ lives, something that can hobbles tv show finales. Instead this is just acts a great send off, touching on aspects of the show from the beginning and going full circle with that very first arc. It really feels like the stakes are universally big and even if the time travel is wishy washy and the central problem more cerebral that some would like the episode is warm and funny and again lofty in scope. An episode of ideas and a perfect send off before these characters went to the big screen. HM: The Drumhead: I just really like this one. McCarthyism in the 24h century. Who Watches the Watchers: Prime example of the Prime directive and its complexity. Worst:  Shades of Gray: Poorly conceived clip show, a by-product of a writer’s strike but even so an absolute mess. (Sub Rosa must also be mentioned). PtP: I think the general consensus of TNG is pretty right on the money, wobbly start that blossomed into a powerhouse of a show. The 6th season is curiously overpraised by some including Brent Spiner and Ronald D. Moore. I mean it’s all subjective but I don’t think the 6th season is massively different quality wise from the seasons around it. Certainly not enough to be noted but each to their own. CfC: An episode like “In Theory” that falls between the cracks of seasons. A smart and thoughtful episode that is maybe too soft for much of fandom. Comments: Picard dominates these picks and is still my favourite Captain. Season 3 gets the most love.

Deep Space 9

Season 1 1. Duet Bajor character development... A tense two hander that deepens Kira’s character and has a stunning guest turn from Harris Yulin this is a twisty slow burner that shows the multi-dimensional facets of an enemy and the regrets that conflicts can bring. Easily the best episode of the shows somewhat middling first season.

Season 2

2. Necessary Evil Columbo in Cardassian limbo… An episode about Odo as fluid as a shapeshifter changing forms and the format is just as malleable as film noir bleeds into the more recognisable elements. Showing life before the Cardassians left this is a tough episode that refreshingly doesn’t pull its punches. 3. The Jem’ Hadar An absolute Jem of an episode…

I’m using this episode to stand in for the Dominion conflict starting. This is a pacy chapter that sets up the series’ newest villains and also allows Quark to win back some ground for Ferengi pride. Season 3 4. Improbable Cause/ The Die is Cast Shiar madness… The first episode is pitch perfect crime story but then it becomes an all-out galactic invasion narrative but never loses sight of its main aim, to probe the depths of DS9’s best supporting character, the ever elusive and inscrutable Garak. Season 4 (possibly my favourite all-round season of any Star Trek show)

 5. The Way of the Warrior Mogh-li’s road…

Serving as an introduction to Worf coming on board and also pitting the Federation against the Klingons once more, this is a barnstorming tale of bat’leths and broken promises. An absolute highpoint of DS9. 6. The Visitor Jakes-speare... An episode that deals with familial love in that sort of big hearted way usually only afforded to weepy romance stories this is Trek’s love of technobabble funnelled into a properly affecting story that uses an arresting framing device to make its ultimate point on the limitless possibilities of family and time. 7. Our Man Bashir

All fun and James…

This is here because of pure fun. The best holodeck gone wrong story this perfect parody of James Bond films is both affectionate and critical, offering the harsh realities of the spy game through cynical Garak but maintaining its wide eyed idealism and roguish heart through the fantasies of Bashir. The ending is quite subversive on the topic of saving the world and is a sort of ghoulish kiss off of her Majesty’s finest agent. Season 5 8. Trials and Tribble-lations Can I Kirk or can’t I?... Star Trek throws its own best birthday party, a day of the dove-tail between classic trek and the so called black sheep of the franchise. Superb effects work and such a loving tone mix to perfect effect. People may quibble (does a tribble ever quibble) with some liberties but if you can’t have fun with an episode like this I suggest you may be a Klingon pretending to be a human! 9. A Call to Arms DS9 no more, back to Terok Nor… The war begins as the season ends and this kicks off one of the best things the show ever did, it’s serialised arc about Dukat re-taking the station. This episode feels momentous in that things are really happening and there’s an uncertainty over everyone fate. Seeing the Defiant join a huge armada at the episode’s end is beautiful grace note to leave the 5th season on.

Season 6

10. In the Pale Moonlight Holo-victories… I’m not someone who believes Darker is better but this is easily the darkest episode of the entire franchise and it is riveting. Sisko almost breaks the fourth wall as he details the lengths he will go to win the war and the allies he will enlist. It also created a meme in Senator Vreenak and even as a kid found that scene and delivery overripe. I kept thinking to myself is that the best take they had?? HM:   Far Beyond the Stars: I’ll get in trouble for not including this in the main list but parsing Deep Space Nine is hard. A superb episode that I almost put in instead of A Call to Arms but wanted to represent the war arc of the show. This has interesting things to say about humanity’s past and the origins of sci-fi like Star Trek but, and this will be heresy to most but I find Benny’s breakdown at the end quite overacted and that has always slightly spoiled the effect for me. Otherwise a classic. Inquisition: Kafka-esque themes and the first appearance of Section 31 Worst: Profit and Lace: Too wacky and too tacky and underserves some great character like Zek. (for people who would think Let He Who is Without Sin should be here, close call but the shallow part of me forgives that episode a lot due to the scene of Jadzia Dax in her bathing suit. It’s still a Trill to this day.) Comments: No overriding character dominates the mix here, speaking to the all-round strong characterisation of DS9. Season 4 gets the most love.

Voyager

Season 1 1. Caretaker Delta a bad hand… I really like the opening episode of the series and the promise that lay ahead. Sure the Maquis become as interchangeable as any Star Fleet crew but here the tension is real and the stakes high as the ship is sent to the other side of the galaxy. Knowing the show couldn’t rely on familiar races and would have to create a plethora of new aliens was exciting and fresh and the episode crackles along nicely. 2. Eye of the Needle Alpha Mail…

First absolute classic and one tied into the shows premise. The first “Will they get home?” episode and one of the best. This feels like a Star Trek Tales of the Unexpected set up with a properly great ending. Season 2 3. Death Wish The No Quinn situation…

Trek at its best deals with large questions and uses a sci-fi prism to examine them. The downsides of immortality and the stagnation of a society is ripe for discussion and that’s what a lot of “Death Wish” is, big conversation on cosmic themes. It has a very silly Riker cameo but at least that continued Jonathan Frakes ubiquity across the franchise. If we create time travel let’s give him a TOS appearance but a better written one than his popping up in Enterprise! 4. Tuvix Between a Tuvok and a hard place... A silly premise that turned into one of the most affecting episodes. A transporter accident merges Tuvok and Neelix into a brand new being but when the Doctor figures out how to undo the damage it throws up a huge moral quandary. The performances are exemplary and Tuvix is a likeable enough character that you don’t want him to just be done away with so quickly.

Season 3/ 4 5. Scorpion Hive-way to Hell…

Voyager meets the Borg and it doesn’t disappoint. A moral dilemma well executed, the first appearance of Seven of Nine and one of the best cliff-hangers Trek ever gave us. Clearly it was their attempt at a Best of Both Worlds but crucially it doesn’t feel derivative. 6. Living Witness Doctoring History…

A rare episode that features no regular characters, save a hugely contrived version of the Doctor as a backup version of the hologram. This looks at re-written history and how distorted facts keep certain conflicts alive. There is also a voyeuristic pleasure in seeing hologram versions of Voyagers crew acting so out of character and just how many facts one could get wrong about the past. Is that a Kazon on the conn?

Season 5

7. Timeless Kim chances of survival…

Voyagers 100th episode and a rare chance for Kim to get some meaty stuff. Future Kim is a bit too hard-bitten and gritty for my tastes but the show has temporal fun and Voyager crashing onto an ice planet is a spectacular set piece. 8. Latent Image

When the Doctor goes feedback loopy… An engaging mystery, stellar character work for the Doctor and a very curious off brand ending that favours simple debate and philosophy over final act peril this is an unsung masterpiece of paranoia and tough ethical decisions.

9. Someone to watch over me

Courting disaster…

A light and human episode with a lot of natural humour The Doctor attempts to teach Seven how to date and the episode has a ball with it. It even side steps some clichéd moments you think the show will employ but instead is like Voyagers’ “In Theory”. Overlooked and severely underrated.

Season 6 10. Blink of an Eye

You have to Planet ahead…

One of my absolute favourites due to its high concept of Voyager becoming embroiled in the culture of a planet where times moves faster. The script takes its time and makes the planet feel real and rich in detail. The set up itself lends itself to a lot of pathos and is simply one of the best proper “hard” sci-fi stories the series told.

 HM:   Message in a Bottle: Fun and hijinks that also moves the overall arc of the show forward. Night: A scary and unsettling look into how long term space travel could have an adverse effect on mental health. The main set piece in which the ship loses power in a dark void is perfect and it also introduced Captain Proton! Worst Threshold: No surprise here. An abomination of an episode and best forgotten. It warped our perceptions of the show.

PtP: Dragons Teeth was always weirdly overpraised to me. It’s a fine episode but I never would clamour for the Vaadwuar to return but considering Voyager was often overly criticised, I should be glad this episode took hold as much as it did.

CfC: The relationship of Tom Paris and B’Elanna felt natural and well written for a series that often stumbles when tackling love stories. It is an overlooked component of something Voyager did very well.

Comments: Most episodes I love seem to favour the Doctor and why shouldn’t they? Season 5 gets the most love.

Enterprise

Season 1 1. Broken Bow

Prequel rights for all concerned…

An action packed opening that throws tensions between Vulcans and humans, conflicts with Klingons and temporal Cold War and is a fun introduction to the characters and set up. The Suliban are visually imaginative and there’s a sense of adventure throughout. As pilots go this is stellar stuff.

2. The Andorian Incident One small step for Shrankind… A nicely judged tale of intrigue that gives us our first look at Shran and deepens the Andorian culture but does continue the shows worrying trend of throwing the Vulcans under the bus (out the airlock?). 3. Dear Doctor State of Phlox…

Phlox was an underutilized character and this is one of his finest hours. A proper moral dilemma again in the vein of Tuvix or an episode like that. Enterprise has its fair share of detractors but crew conflict was definitely one of its strengths. Season 2 4. Future Tense Timing is everything… Enterprise also excelled in action and this is a glorious stand-off between various factions trying to capture a time ship. I wasn’t against the temporal cold war arc as much as others were. It definitely hampered the show at the beginning and should have been teased out slower if it was to be done at all but this is a nice standalone time story that deftly touches upon the arc. 5. Regeneration First Second Contact… Temporal Investigations would frown on this episode that shows Archer tackling the Borg but the Borg continuity has always been askew. This is as close to horror as Enterprise got (minus some Zombie like Vulcans in another episode) and there’s a nice Cronenbergian shiver to the proceedings here. Another good episode from Season 2 of Enterprise which I consider one of the worst seasons of any Trek show. It bounced back with its next two years though.

Season 3

6. Twilight

Time’s Archer… Much like Children of Time this gives us an alternate future tinged with tragedy while also playing on an ill Archer. The relationship with T’Pol is handled sensitively and while we only get hints of the new status quo the episode does a good job of feeling satisfying even if it’s clear a giant re-set button is going to be pressed any nanosecond now…

7. Similitude

Trippy outing… Manny Coto’s first script and is a perfect example of what Trek does well. A new version of Trip is created when the original is near death but surely this new version has his own rights. No simple answers are given and it stands as a modern classic overlooked in the chorus of Enterprise criticisms.

Season 4 8. Borderland/ Cold Station 12/ The Augments Soong-ing your praises… Arik Soong with a team of Augments in a commandeered Bird of Prey warping through space, do I even have to explain why this 3 parter is so good? It has a lot of conflict, great action and an edge often lacking in the show. There’s a body count and an escalation of the threat that feels quite dangerous. Packaged together it would have made a great film. 9. In A Mirror Darkly Defiant-ly different… Unusual in that it takes place entirely in the Mirror universe this is Trek taking a holiday or indulging in its own cosplay. It’s fun seeing the slightly bland (and hey I’m an Enterprise apologist!) crew getting to have fun and loosen up. It’s a trashy camp outing that I wouldn’t want every week but fun for a week or two. 10. Terra Nova/ Demons All’s Weller that ends Weller… The true ending to Enterprise (it’s much maligned last episode tactfully described as a coda by showrunner Manny Coto) this episode deals with xenophobia in a way that illustrates that the humans of Enterprise are now quite the angels of previous Roddenberry helmed shows. Peter Weller is a marvellous antagonist and again the show asks hard questions while still retaining a sense of danger and action. HM:   Dead Stop: Old fashioned romp with a nice mystery and great designs. Zero Hour: I’m a big fan of the Xindi arc and picked the finale to represent the whole thing. Taking the show serialised and making it a bit darker to comment on the world Post 9-11 gave the show a relevance and an edge and course corrected the entire series. I liked the Xindi as a race and I also enjoyed the ticking clock element. The finale has a few off notes but largely succeeds and did lead in nicely to the strongest season of the show.

These are the Voyages: Yep, as bad as they say, a clunky valentine to the show that undermines Enterprise and serves to give a nod to Riker’s appearance across the entire body of work. Also it poorly serves The Pegasus an episode I previously mentioned as a favourite. Berman and Braga regret it now and like Threshold would be an episode I would gladly erase from canon.

PtP:   The re-creation of the Trinity with Archer/ T’Pol/ Trip. This was a nice nod to TOS but badly affected the other characters and made some of them barely more than ciphers. A missed opportunity. CfC: Scott Bakula as Archer. The character changed and deepened and Bakula is a charming lead. He was saddled with some baffling characterisation early on but he is the unsung Captain of the franchise. Comments: I like Enterprise a lot but will attempt that creator fatigue had set in by this stage and after 600 hours how could it have not. Season 4 gets the most love.

  Honourable mention from

Star Trek the Animated Series: Yesteryear No Spock left unturned... The best animated episode and one so beloved that during the period it was deemed not canon, writers from other series would sneak in references. As this is long enough already. Capsule overview of the films.

TOS films

The Motion Picture- Ponderous and slow but ambitious and oddly compelling. It’s not for everyone but there’s something there amongst the drawn out peril. Wrath of Khan- Stone cold classic that has proper themes and tense battles. Kirks final line “I feel young” is Shatner’s greatest moment in my opinion. The Search for Spock- Silly but very Star Treky this is a comfort movie for me. The reunion scene at the end when Spock asks “The ship? Out of danger?” gets me every time. The Voyage Home- Glorious and totally off model and all the better for it. Fish out of water comedy meets Whales out of time hijinks!

The Final Frontier- This isn’t a particularly well made film BUT I think its underrated. The characters are bang on, Kirk standing up to “God” is Trek at its most iconic and the reveal from McCoy’s past is heart-breaking. More good stuff in it than people think.

The Undiscovered Country- A favourite of mine. Compelling mystery, topical politics and an old Vulcan proverb, “Only Nixon could go to China”.

TNG films

Generations- A muddled but not joyless outing. Sure Kirks death is a damp squib and an unforgivable gag (bridge on the Captain) but its analysis of time and grief is interesting. First Contact- There’s a been a bit of weird retroactive bashing of this film but I say thee nay. Great action, fun conceits and a properly threatening Borg presence pre- their de-fanging on Voyager. Insurrection- Underrated and in the absolute spirit of Roddenberry. Sure it may feel like an extended episode but I don’t think a film would stop so much to have that Dougherty/ Picard argument which I love and it has a sunny disposition which was a nice palette cleanser after First Contact. Nemesis- A mess. Wrath of Khan minus the depth. It played up its duality theme in a far too heavy handed way and the characters seemed off. “The victory of the echo over the voice” was always a line I liked however.

Kelvin Timeline films:

Star Trek ’09- Dumb fun and a much needed adrenaline boost for the series. There are niggles but I still think it has flair and its origin structure papers over some cracks. Into Darkness- The foundation weakens in this po faced misfire. Anything interesting is automatically undermined and most of it is a re-hash of Star Trek 2 with no subtlety. Beyond- Very good but in my opinion not great return to form that I think needed some more polishing but in general a good outing that re-sets the table going ahead. Nice to see proper exploration again and that is very much in the spirit of Star Trek.

�����

Flirtation

It's been the same voice

circling the very same concerns,

the banks are spilling over with

slang and the great unlearned.

the waves wont let the good themes

flow or take hold

but the brave are frauds, amongst us,

made pretty like lanterns in the cold.

find yourself in the place of the unnurtured flame

the one that dances as if by accident

I wandered down, the paint of the sky drying

from the high roads of sentiment.

and there's a way, a better way to narrow

down desire

I say a young spark like you

could do with

a flirtation with fire

and silly angels dance in the near dark

always with something heavy and worthy

in mind

the agendas overheard of the great untamed

the rules they swear by are barely defined

If i'm to become a fighter of sorts

i must learn to replace the sharpness of a smile

with the blunt edge of swords

and there's a sadder fate for the straight man in the comedy

of the liar

there's nothing ill-fated,

over a flirtation with fire

failures to condemn, retreats to an apology

the smile that frames the forgiven face I say its better that the blessing words are uttered

with great respect at the resting place

but the silence that follows, the bird-less trees mooning over some paradise names

not knowing their mortality when stretched across the age

they foolishly fall in love with the rougish flames.

This is a drawing from a book I have written and am trying to get published. Art by the incredibly talented Marie Denham.  mariedenham:

The Moon Fox- Children’s Book

Written by Emmet O’Brien and illustrated by moi

Cat-ch 22 - A Poem about Cats and the Internet

  I was thinking about cats, the domestic pet How much space is devoted to these dolls through their odd relationship with the Internet And how they've come to have the prefix, "lol"s

Every Tom, Quick and Furry Every Tab Key leading to a Tabby The whole wide web is in such a hurry We even had a cat known for just being crabby Over them the whole world has flipped Even when kind or when vicious I guess it can be traced back to Ancient Egypt. All the way back to the black cat smugly superstitious. The timeline of the felined The whole kitten and kaboodle From the feral to the sterile kind (Have you ever heard Cat sex? it's brutal) Their retractable claws giving me practical pause and leaving marks on my arms And of their rational cause in stalking distractible jackdaws I could spin you many yarns. I wonder of their nine lives Which one really counts? Purring and scurrying Waiting for the moment to pounce After the climbing of trees, and scaling some fences They'd catch a scent in the breeze Just one of their heightened senses. Landing on their feet however one falls Grooming themselves and their young No wonder they pick up hairballs with a sandpaper like tongue They slink through the night with unique vertebrae Only when they are gone do mice come out to play But the Queens are Glaring at their prey This is the same all over from Housecat to stray. So when I see my thousandth cat picture, I think of songs, cartoons and ancient scripture And it seems no suprise their stance in pop culture Falling for something so adorable is human nature So felis catus would love to be seen as Royal But Dogs should make a big on-line come back Cause the audience would be canine-like , so loyal To challenge this current monopoly of Cat Writers note: I've written plenty of poems about forbidden love. This one is for-kitten love.

In the Event of Being Unliked

The Facebook status felt a chill as he stood out there, naked and unloved. While people played "Tag" all around him he was just a single sentence adrift amongst all this information. His best friend had recently taken a tumblr and wasn't feeling himself after having been reformatted and his other friend who said he needed "myspace" had all but vanished. "It's Complicated" whispered to him, "Don't worry man, someone will come along..." The Event Page was having a ball with all his friends and began heckling the lonely status.  "Allow me to 'share' some home page truths to you my new friend. The page will scroll up and you'll soon be forgotten! Might as well learn to accept your fate, it'll be...refresh-ing! Ha!" The Event laughed as he sent out more and more invites. The Status thought for a moment. "Soiree, are you addressing me?" The Event shot back, "What if I am?" An RSVP took pity on the Status, "Ah come on Event, leave him alone." Event snarled, "No! This is just a phrase I have to go through!" He turned his attention back to the Solitary sentence. "You've been up since when? According to the text beside you, '2 Hours ago' and nobody has been paying attention. After a few links and not to mention photos you think anyone will care about you, you little quip-squeek?! You'll soon be so low profile you won't even appear on the profile!" Nearby Videos began buffering in social awkwardness, a few Birthdays disappeared off their calendars and even some pages failed to load. Event was a big deal and no-one felt they could "comment" upon his nastiness. The Status paused for a moment and he considered his exact wording. "You've been so busy hyping yourself up, you haven't even read my body language have you?" The Event began to focus on the actual words that made up the Status.  Sorry everyone, really busy so party is cancelled. The Event recoiled in shock as the words sank in. "If it's any consolation, the reason nobody liked me was they were really looking forward to seeing you. I hope that brings some small measure of comfort." The Event began to panic. "Maybe I'll be re-scheduled. Maybe this is just a postponement!!" He looked for comfort from the Attendees but they all turned away. None of them wanted anything to do with him. Even the Venue had changed. It was then Event noticed a floating arrow begin to fly around his once vast social empire. "You know," he said, his voice now nothing but a faint croak, "I'll even miss the 'Maybes'." He cursed the cursor as his details faded and he was...cancelled. Some time passed and a healthy conversation had begun to form under the Status. From the gist of the comments it seemed like no-one would have actually been able to make the party after all. The final comment on his post was the 73rd. It was a good number to reach. The Status had lived a good life. He was ready for the "sign out."

Well, for Starters...

Amy and Mark had several reservations as they entered the establishment. A tray of champagne glasses bubbling over with resentment glided by them as they were approached by a well dressed man. "We have smoking or non-smoking seething. Which would you prefer?" Mark looked at Amy. "Well her constant smoking is a factor so put us there in smoking. We wanna make a real meal of this." The well dressed man smugly added. "That's our job, Sir. Welcome to Bickerings, known throughout the country for it's fine quizz-ine." "We could have just had this out at home, Mark," Amy sternly said. The couple were being led to their table.  "If we're going to have a proper argument we might as well do it in a five star row-staurant which is what Bickerings is, "Mark retorted. "Let's just try and have some fun here." Amy sighed as she pulled up her seat. Looking around she noticed a number of sobbing couples and a few others completely in silence. "Spend all this money to just sit in silence. That's a good thing?!" Mark didn't reply as he was already perusing the menu.  Amy picked up hers and began to scan it. "Hmm...infidelity is never rare...that's sort of funny..." Mark saw a chance for first blood. "But it can be well done!" Amy glared at him.  "I'm not sure I have the right appetite tonight. Destruction doesn't look all that appealing," Mark was wondering aloud, not really addressing his dinner date. "I'm going to have the salad," Amy flatly said. "I hear they use some of the finest olive vitriol around for it." A waitress walked over to them. "Hi,  my name is Tiffany, Tiff for short. I'll be waiting on you this evening. If you'd care to look at our specials. We have fresh recriminations, chicken bones of contention and of course our famed Fracas bar which is located to my left or if you wish to argue with me, to your right." Mark addressed her. "I know revenge and all that serving cold stuff, but I'd rather it hot. Any suggestions?" "Well, we could bring it out when your conversation is getting more heated or we could have the meat roasted on a spat!" "Hmmm...I don't know," Mark mulled. "I do have a real beef with this woman but I don't want it overdone. Ro-Misery cooking doesn't do it for me. I'll stick with plain revenge. Straight up." Tiff smiled and handed another menu. "The resign list?" Mark took it while Tiff looked at Amy. "Salad was it?" "Yes, with some rude barbs." Tiff corrected her, "Do you mean Rhubarb?" Amy nodded. "Just a pint of Bitter for me then." "And a drink for you Miss?." "Faultless to a tea, thank you." Their first (dis)course were some insults they skewered each other with. Amy was unhappy with the belittle portions but didn't make any more of a scene than the two were already making.  Their main coarse was intense. Mark had to send back his first piece of revenge as it was raw. He settled with the second piece even if it was a little undercooked. Tapping a nearby table he asked. "We got some wounds here, but no salt. Could we trouble you for some of yours?" Over the meal a lot was aired but this was no mere food fight. This was Dinner breaks all. The sort of argument that chews up a couple and then spits them out. They scoffed at one another before they scoffed down some more food.  During a break in the hostilities and as a palate cleanser they decided to engage in perfectly civil chat. Mark laughed."I've heard such good things about this place. It's way nicer that that old dump we'd go for a little bite, I mean fight. What was that placed called?" "Oh yeah Quarrels. I don't know, it had a nice in your face quality. The Anger-biance there was second to none." It wasn't long, though it felt like an eternity like most arguments do, before they had im-gibed enough drink and devoured enough food for thought and were onto their just desserts.  Having had their fill of each other they got up to leave Bickerings and as they were making their way out, Mark noted, "It's a bit steep. But we've had too many disagreements tonight. We won't dispute the bill." Amy replied, "I hear they like when people do that though!" As they neared the door they came across the well dressed man once again. It was clear he was the Haître d' of the place.  "Finest fight we have ever had! Thank you! My compliments and complaints to your staff." The Haître d' just sneered.  "Well, what else would you expect from a 5 Star location such as Bickerings? We're hardly Fast Feud!"

Ad verse effects

A friend of mine once told me that "poetry makes him feel ill". Some of the more common conditions like influe-stanza and Janedice or Poe-mentation of the skin are well known but here is a selection of some poetic ailments and injuries that really meter to people.

Tennyson Elbow- 

Byron any further injury, this should sort itself out in no time. Kipling Arthritis- A Rud-Yard stick for every other condition one might face Ben(t) Jonson- It can happen to every man and not in his humerus. Will...em...Shakes Appear?- Carry a medical Bard on your person at all times

Robert Frost-bite - The Road Not Prescribed.

Walt Whiplash- Mobility is the soul of Whit

Plath feet When feet get Hughes and swollen.

Auden-iometry trouble W.H.at are you saying to me??

Severe Back Twain

When life gives you Clemens, make lemonade. 

 Conrad Aching

It's a Pulmonary Symbolism.