R/bropill Remains My Favorite Place On The Internet

by u/elextric_lizard
Trans dude struggling with disability and masculinity, seeking advice on dealing with anger and grief
I'm a trans dude (20's) and have been feeling alot of grief and alot of anger around my own disability, i don't feel like I'm "enough" but at the same time, i feel like I'm held at a higher expectation as a man than a majority of my peers and questioned more often. it's the first time I've processed these emotions, but i don't know how to channel the anger part without falling into a spiral of self hate over anger because i feel like i can't talk about feeling angry about what I'm going through in alot of the spaces i inhabit because it's not something that people understand. I've bottled it up and it gets to the point where i get physically aggressive and argumentative and have scared the hell out of my family and friends, as well as myself. Are there ways of dealing with this that are less destructive?

u/ PanzerSloth
(Broletariat)
Brother let me just say, as a cis man in his 30s, welcome to the club. Welcome to the tribe of man. We all struggle with not feeling like we aren't "enough", even without circumstances like yours. While I can't speak to your experience as a trans man I can tell you that what you're feeling is similar enough to what we all feel, if only deeper for the struggle you face with your identity.
But the thing is you have to sit down and ask yourself what IS "enough"?
I'm a big guy, I have tons of tattoos and a beard, I've been happily married for 14 years, I own a house and a car, I hold a steady job, I have a wonderful social life with tons of friends, and despite being monogamous I have women expressing interest in me CONSTANTLY.

Despite all of that, despite all of the boxes I have checked in my lifetime, despite all of the objective success I have achieved in my humble little existence, I still don't feel like I've done enough. The world doesn't feel like I've done enough. Some of our fellow men TELL ME I haven't done enough.
I've struggled with it for a long time. I've gone through major depressions and identity crises.
But the thing is came to realize, the thing that we are ALL told but can never understand until we experience it firsthand, is that even the IDEA of "enough" is an illusion.
"Enough" is a marketing strategy. "Enough" wants you to consume more and more.
"Enough" tells you to always do more, eat more, excercise more, travel more, fuck more, and on and on and on.

The fact that you are sitting here right now, that you are asking yourself these questions, that you had the strength to reach out and seek help, it all means you have already done enough.
You stepped in to the large confusing inner-world of your own masculinity and took charge of your exploration. You are in uncharted territory exploring unfamiliar terrain you might not have even expected to find. It's fucking scary.
But any man that takes that step and embarks on that journey is a man by default.
You became a man the second you stepped foot outside of your comfort zone. You took a step that none of us cis men had to take. That ALONE "earned your place at the table", so to speak.
Now, from here, things get difficult.

These questions you're facing and these emotions you're feeling aren't things that can be explained away. There isn't some magical answer to any of this, no matter how badly we want one or how adamantly someone promises they have one.
You are full of questions with no clear answers and emotions with no clear meaning. That means you've made it. This is it. This is what it's about. Manhood is a journey with no destination. We never "make it", but that's only because there is nowhere to make it to. All that matters is in the moment. What you do and how you interact with the world.
What kind of man do you want to be? Do you want to be a confused and angry man who lashes out at the world because you don't understand your inner conflict? Or do you want to examine that conflict and study it to learn how you can do better?

When you feel like this sit with it, examine it, run your hands over it and feel it's sharp edges. Any time you reach a sharp edge that hurts and draws blood, that's where you focus. You are a sculptor creating yourself and all there is is to chip away at those hard edges and carve yourself in to whatever shape you desire.
Just remember you aren't alone. It will be cold comfort on those dark nights of the soul, but you have brothers out there who love and support you.
Apes together strong. (heart emoji, flex emoji)

r/bropill remains my favorite place on the internet

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enkidu-gray - 𒂗𒆠𒄭

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Grayson | 29 | he/him | polyam bisexual trans man | ADHD. I like sci-fi horror, Furbys, and tarot. 18+ only. don't call me transmasc

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