The Phone Call (5/?)

drifting (6)

[cw!bucky barnes x female!reader]

summary: bucky saves the life of a woman when she’s buried in an avalanche. faced with the possibility that his cover might be blown, bucky must keep the woman alive, and try to keep her from finding out who he is… or what he’s done.

how long can he hide?

warnings: angst. reader is hurting. bucky is an idiot* (*scared).

word count: 2.5k+

a/n: some of you called the angst coming... here it is, babes.

series masterlist

***

I’ve been compromised.

She sits on the porch, wrapped up in Bucky’s coat with the sheepskin lining, and his hat jammed over her ears. Her phone is propped up on the railing, so she can see if the notification pops up, but she can’t hold it in her hands anymore. She sent the message ten minutes ago–the chat indicated that he had seen it, but he isn’t responding. If she were out on any other mission, he would already have deployed emergency protocols and replied in seconds. He’s slacking.

But she’ll wait, because she can hardly look Bucky in the eye. He hasn’t been able to manage more than a grunt in response to her since she told him her theory about meeting in the Red Room. He just got up, put the kettle on, and smoked a cigarette in just his sweatpants and a light t-shirt. So she did the only thing she could think of (or at least the only thing that needed to happen, according to her training), and she reached out for help.

Steve was vague about what should happen if she and Bucky ever crossed paths, because that wasn’t on the agenda, so it’s not like there was some grand plan if he found out who she was working for. Usually in this case, she would take her principle out. That was so far from an option that the thought of having to kill him makes her dizzy. The frigid air helps her stay focused, but she can’t feel her fingers.

The feeling of Bucky’s hands on her face is still present on her tingling cheeks. The way he clutched at her, wordlessly begging it all not to be true.

The phone buzzes, finally. Steve is calling.

“Steve.”

“What happened?”

“He found my phone,” she admits, casually leaving out the part where he discovered it because he was in bed beside her.

“Okay. Are you safe?”

“Yes, I’m safe,” she scoffs. “He’s not a monster.”

“I’m just trying to assess–”

“I know how this works, Rogers.”

“I’m sorry it took a moment to get back to you. Fury has declared you AWOL. I just got out of a meeting—”

“Did you know?” she demands, and then she curses herself for not quelling the anger which is rapidly bubbling to the surface. The man on the other end of the phone sighs.

“--action will begin shortly for your recovery.”

“I don’t care about a fucking desertion designation–did you know that I knew him?”

“...Yes.”

She laughs wryly. “You sent me on recon knowing it might compromise us both–”

“Y/n, I sent you because you are the only person who has ever broken him out of his programming, and if he gets triggered, you’re his best chance to stay in control. I didn’t know that you didn’t remember.”

“That wasn’t in my assignment!”

“It was the worst case scenario.”

“I walked around that compound thinking I was being ridiculous. I slept with his photo next to my bed, feeling like such a creep–”

“Is he stable?”

“He is great, no thanks to you. Might never speak to me again after finding out I’ve been lying to him, but in my defense, I didn’t know how covert the lie was.”

She glances over her shoulder. Two clear blue eyes are watching her through the window. He doesn’t even try to play it off like he wasn’t listening in. She nods to the door. If he wants to listen, he might as well hear it all. She presses the speaker button as the front door opens. Bucky stands there stiffly, hands in his pockets.

“What do you remember?” Steve asks.

She sighs. “Not much. I think… I think they forced him to hurt me.”

Bucky huffs.

“That is consistent with what information Nat found.”

“I can’t believe that you sent me here without figuring out what I knew.” she peers at Bucky out of the corner of her eye. “Before I got to know him, I just thought I was feeding off your concern for him, but all this time I’ve been acting on muscle-memory–how well did I know Soldat?”

“Does he remember anything?”

“Some,” Bucky murmurs.

“Very little,” she translates. “I swear to god, Steve.”

“Is he there?”

Bucky shakes his head.

“No.”

“Alright. Just thought I heard something. Nat could be more specific–”

“I don’t want to talk to her.”

Steve takes far too long to respond. Enough time that she looks up to Bucky in panic, but he nods, like reassurance. Like he’ll tell you, just give him a second. It occurs to her then that Bucky still knows Steve, and that’s why she’s here. Isn’t it? At least in part. But she isn’t ready for the breadth of this secret which Steve has unknowingly kept from her, and when he still doesn’t answer, even after Bucky holds up his hand to stay her, she sighs.

“Steve–”

“I don’t know everything,” Cap says softly. “But you knew him better than most people. Maybe even me.”

“You’re not serious…”

“Apparently when Nat found you, you were being treated for a stab wound in your abdomen, in a small hospital outside of Bucharest. You didn’t know how you got there, but you kept asking for him. You didn’t even recognize Nat at first. All the nurses could get out of you was ‘my love.’ She didn’t suspect his identity until she found reports about the Asset breaking his programming for a top-level trainee at the Red Room. He was pulled from active service and HYDRA discontinued his involvement in the Academy, but not before he was given the order to kill the woman to whom he showed preference.”

She runs a hand over her face. “Why don’t either of us remember? Steve–I went through six months of rehabilitation and I never had one flicker of a memory. I don’t even have a scar.”

“Self-preservation? I don’t know. Maybe it was too painful.”

Bucky is nowhere to be seen when a hot tear splashes on her hand. “More painful than finding out I loved someone I don’t even remember?” she murmurs, and she prays that Bucky isn’t listening around the corner. Super-soldier hearing is a plague on this conversation, in more ways than one.

“I’m sorry. I–Nat made it seem… you weren’t even going to meet him.”

“Unless he was triggered. Which it seems like you expected. Did neither of you think about what would happen to me?” She huffs. “

“Your mission, now–”

“I’ll make sure he’s safe, but I’m not doing it to make you feel better. You compromised me. If something goes wrong, worse than both of us having to cope with this, it’s on you. Okay? Great. I’m going to go try to persuade him to eat something. Be sure to send me more information about who’s coming after me so I know whether to use the pocket knife from World War 2 that Bucky loaned me–” her voice wavers on the name she hasn’t called him the entire time she’s been here– “or a fire poker, because my pack is at the bottom of this mountain with my gun. Which of those things do you think would be best against Iron Man, or whoever Fury’s about to send?”

“I’ll have a supply pack airdropped–”

“And compromise us more? The psychological damage was generous enough, but thanks anyway. I’ll contact you once we’re safe, but… I don’t know if you’ll see me again. I can’t speak for Bucky, but. I wouldn’t blame him for disappearing, too.”

“Y/n… you have every right to be upset, but there’s reason to assume that HYDRA is still looking for him. Let me help you.”

“You think I haven’t considered that? What’s going to happen if they find us together? Or did it slip your mind that they ordered him to kill me? I said I’d keep him safe. I can’t–I can’t talk to you anymore. Leave me alone. And Steve? Tell Natalia that she broke my heart.”

She hangs up the phone and tosses the basically indestructible thing onto the wooden slats. She puts her face in her hands and screams.

“Come inside.”

She starts. Bucky is back, at her side, hand outstretched like he’s going to touch her shoulder, but he stops just short. He stares at the ground.

“Please look at me,” she whispers. “Jamie–I’m so lost, here…”

“It’s supposed to snow,” he replies. He reaches for her phone, and hands it back.

“Are you angry?”

Bucky cards a hand through his hair. “Not with you.” When he looks at her finally, his eyes are glassy. Her heart is in her throat. “Come inside,” he asks again. His silvery fingers extend to her. She sets her hand in his, and just for a moment, he squeezes. Bucky tugs her behind him, and into the house. He leads her into the kitchen, and releases her. She lays his coat and hat on the back of a chair, and then pushes herself up onto the counter; Bucky has pulled a few things from the cabinet like rice, and some dried mushrooms, and there is water gently simmering on the stovetop. He puts the rice into the water like she taught him, and fits the lid on the pot, and sets the timer on his watch. He braces his hands against the oven and sighs.

“So.”

“Yeah.” She pulls her legs to her chest, and lays her cheek on her knee. “I–should I have let you talk with him?” The question comes out before she can stop it.

Bucky shakes his head. “No.”

“Should I have kept the call private–”

“Y/n–” He pinches the bridge of his nose. “Just… tell me. About your mission.”

“What it was meant to be…”

“Yes.”

“Alright. I work… with special forces most of the time,” she says, though that feels like an insufficient place to start the story. “Steve had been searching for any sign of you, after Insight. He got his pardon, so he had access to Shield’s data again, and there were rumors through the intel community that you were somewhere in the American West. But he couldn’t look into it himself without drawing Shield’s attention to you. Which is when Nat suggested… Me.” She closes her eyes, because she can’t stand to see him there, in arm’s reach, still as a statue.

“I read through about three boxes worth of files from Nat’s contacts about the Winter Soldier–mostly records of how you usually appeared when HYDRA had a new job for you, patterns of behavior. Like how often you went MIA after a job, and where they found you. Like–you would ditch your handlers on a busy train platform, and show up a hundred miles away working on a dock. Or one time, you hitched a ride on a box truck and they found you because you got into a bar fight. They always found you because something would happen, a–a fight or an accident that brought a little publicity. So. I built a profile.

“You weren’t intercepted by HYDRA after the destruction of Insight, so it was safe to assume they thought you were dead. Which meant you probably felt safe enough to go into more rural areas where people would notice you. There was a ping in Albuquerque’s small paper about a George Barnes being pulled over for driving without a license, in a stolen van, and–”

“That’s how you found me.”

She opens her eyes again, and he’s closer now, leaning his back against the counter beside her. He’s not watching her anymore, but she’d only have to breathe in a little deeper for her arm to brush against him.

“I tracked you from Santa Fe,” she confirms. “You couldn’t stay away from the draw of other people. I told Steve once, it was like you were so lonely that you wandered into a bar, only to realize that drunk men are the worst. He said that made sense, considering–well. That you often had to pull drunk bullies off of him. You stayed on my radar because you were doing the same for other strangers. I had a conversation with a bartender in Pueblo who described a tall man, blue eyes… longish brown hair… who ordered a whiskey he didn’t drink, and then took a guy down for touching a woman before the bouncer could even react.

“But then you headed into the mountains, and I could tell you were slowing down. I was days behind you, and then I saw you walking down the street in Breckenridge.”

He frowns. “Before I bought the truck.”

“Yes.”

“Hmm.”

“I put a tracker on it when you were inside the guy’s house making the deal, so that’s how… yeah. But along the way, I was doing my best to erase your trail. Technically Shield owns that truck you abandoned five miles from here.”

Bucky nods. “I… I was hallucinating.”

“Hmm?” She touches his shoulder. He flinches, but he doesn’t pull away.

“Thought I was being followed.”

Bucky leans into her. She grips his shoulder as if to say… I’m sorry for making it worse. I–I did this to you. He covers her hand with his own.

“I was going to ski down the back side of the mountain, and wait you out a while in town. I had gotten visual confirmation that you were here, and it seemed unlikely anybody else would find you out, if you stayed put. I did not know how dangerous it was to ski in the back country this time of year, given how much the temperature yo-yos. So. That’s the whole of it.”

“Other than… what you said. You had my picture.”

She bites her lip. “God. Um. Yeah, your enlistment photo. I carried it around with me like a war widow.” War widow–fuck. She presses her eyes closed. What a fucking horrible choice of words. She can’t think. Everything is cloudy. “Not remembering a thing.”

“That first time you woke me up, I was dreaming about it. What Soldat did to you. It’s the only thing I remember about it, but… I told you you were safe in the dream, that I wouldn’t hurt you. But he–I did.” He shakes his head like it might clear up his own foggy memory. “You don't remember anything else?”

“No,” she whispers. “I’m not even sure how… this–” she gestured between them– “would’ve happened in there. I was watched like a hawk.”

Bucky nods once.

“I’m sorry. For not telling you about Steve.”

He shrugs. “You were doing what you thought was right.”

“I know now, why I felt like I had to help you.”

He digests that for a moment, but what she wants is for him to respond like… I’m glad you did. I’m glad you’re here. But he doesn’t.

“You’re AWOL?”

She laughs painfully. “Yeah. Feels like I never got a chance to know what being safe felt like, it… it was supposed to be Nat who kept me safe, that was her promise to me when she brought me home. But I don’t know why I trusted her. Turns out I’ve only had one good thing which meant anything to me, and I don’t even remember. Why didn’t she tell me? God, Nat kept warning me not to let it go too far.”

She folds herself, pressing her forehead to her knees. It feels like a betrayal so deep that some little string inside her has been severed, and now she’s bleeding internally. For herself, and Natasha’s betrayal, and what happened with Bucky… in such recent history in her life, causing such ripples through her unconscious mind, and yet–with no memory to bring it into focus. She weeps.

“I wish I didn’t know,” she whispers. “I wish this was the first time I met you.”

Bucky’s hands find her shoulders, and he’s coaxing her feet down until he can stand between her knees. She curls her fingers into the front of his shirt–the very henley he loaned her when she first arrived. He doesn’t pull her closer and it feels like a rejection. Like he’s comforting her because he has a heart, and not because he wants to help her through it. This is not how he wakes her out of a bad dream. This is a stiff touch with no warmth in it. Still, she presses her forehead to his chest.

“You told him it was muscle memory.” His voice rumbles between his ribs.

“Yeah,” she laughs through thick emotion. “I just know you. I know you in a way that my body is adamant about, and I can’t explain it, it’s like this phantom pain every time I look at you, and it’s getting worse the longer I’m around you…” she trails off, forcing herself to look up at him. Her cheeks are hot, but she can’t help but babble. “Do you feel it, too? Am I crazy?”

“No.”

His eyes say otherwise. They’re glassy again, so blue that it hurts, and his mouth is twisted up like he can’t afford to say anything else or he’ll admit it. He shakes his head, and stands back from her, but she won’t let go of his shirt. Please don’t run, she pleads in her mind. I need you to help me figure out what’s real. Slowly, Bucky raises his hand and works her fingers free. He squeezes her hand. Then, he turns away.

She chokes back a rush of pain. The tears renew themselves, and she covers her mouth. She is nauseous. She pushes off the counter and runs into the bedroom–hardly making it into the washroom and kicking the door shut before her stomach heaves. She clutches the porcelain… and sobs. There’s nothing else to do but cry, because… this man who her whole body seems to reach for, who she loved in another lifetime, who every day seems to let her in a little bit more… She cries because the woman who was supposed to be her family kept this from her, and sent her on an assignment she was destined to fail. She can’t go home now, and this certainly can’t be it. The man who she’s spent two weeks with, held and been held by–he doesn’t want this. And there is a whole host of people about to come looking for them both. What is there for her, now?

And is this going to ruin The Hobbit for her? She chokes out a pained laugh at the stupid thought, wiping her mouth with a piece of tissue. She stands so she can wash her face, and she remembers her father’s words again. Not the ones about Gandalf, and powerful men. But what he said to her every night when he pulled her blankets up to her chin.

You’re loved, honey bee. By a lot of people. Everybody’s love looks a little different, but every form is good if it’s honest and kind.

She cries, and it’s all her body has left to give.

Later, her phone chimes. She checks it when the curiosity gets the best of her. It’s from Natasha, and it makes her blood go cold.

I’m sorry. I thought I was protecting you.

***

Bucky stirs the mushrooms into the rice, and takes his punishment like a stab to the stomach, as every sob of hers rips through him.

Listening to her demand answers over the phone from the only person Bucky has ever considered a friend, the pain in her voice–she was heartbroken. She was an innocent agent sent to help him, first of all. Innocent people shouldn’t get mixed up with Bucky Barnes. That’s how bad things happen.

She couldn’t be another tally he carved into the back cover of the book she loved so much.

“You’re not what I expected,” she had said, holding that book in her hands. He didn’t know that she meant it compared to the photograph she carried around, from when he was just a bright-eyed boy from Brooklyn. Bucky can’t even fathom it. It’s such a sweet thought, absolutely tainted by the way she’s been manipulated. On the other hand, the thought of her laying in a hospital begging for моя любовь… he came back to lucidity in Bucharest, while she pleaded for him. Wouldn’t he have remembered someone calling him that? Did they use that kind of language, or was their connection made from fleeting moments in that hellish school? Did she know his body the way his seemed to know hers, that first night he held her for warmth?

Wait... that's not what Steve said. He said 'my love.' From what dark corner is Bucky's brain pulling out 'моя любовь'? Shit.

He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that he’s felt something for her before. Every fiber of his being is pulled towards her, like he breathes because she breathes. He wants to give in, and hold her while they both come to terms with the reality of their shared history. All of it, maybe even more. But if Steve is right, he was ordered to kill her, and that part of him still exists alongside the phantom pain of her. He can’t make any space in his heart for hope, knowing that it was ripped away from him before. If HYDRA took her from him once. They can do it again. Ten words, and he will be the one to kill her. Losing her again will kill him.

No more bedtime stories, or gentle touches to soothe her awake from a nightmare. No more pretending like this is something either of them were going to be able to keep.

Now that she’s healed, they have to part ways.

After this snowstorm. The weather band said to expect up to two feet. He can’t leave her unless he knows she’ll be safe. The roads are about to be even more encumbered. The only chance for a quick getaway once they’re clear is the truck five miles down the hill, like she said. If he leaves now, he strands her alone, and very likely dies himself from exposure. He sighs.

He doesn’t sleep that night, because she doesn’t come out to eat. She shuts the bedroom door, and locks it… he relieves himself outside, and he can’t help but feel like he deserves it. When she screams in her sleep, he tries to knock, to wake her up if nothing else, but she doesn’t stir from her whimpering episode. He could break the door, but then there wouldn’t be anywhere for her to go. To get away, and shield herself from him. He sits in the hallway until her voice gets hoarse, and her breathing turns soft again.

Bucky wants to be angry with her for hiding that she came on Steve Roger’s errand, but after the way she reamed Steve out, all he can muster is worry. Between three and four in the morning, he stares at the bedroom door, bouncing his knee anxiously. When was the last time you worried about another person, Barnes? And why did he tell her ‘no?’” She has that laser vision–she always sees right through him. He expects to go on about his life as if he hasn’t spent the last few weeks becoming addicted to reaching for her, and she will know, the whole time, that he is lying.

She centered him. He finally started feeling like he had some semblance of control over his mind again, all because of her. What the hell am I doing?

Protecting her, right?

And Steve… if the time comes where Bucky sees him again, as this relentless search proves is likely, he will have to answer for this. Because even though it’s best if he’s not with her, he’ll be damned if anyone gets away with hurting her. What was Steve thinking? Of all the stupid things that he had done, this was up there. Trying to find him–Bucky doesn’t want to be found, least of all by Steve Rogers. Then there’d be another person he used to care about who’d have to see what he has become. He’s spent this long trying not to think about the last time they met.

The door unlatches. Bucky jumps. She peers at him, frozen for a moment. Her eyelids are swollen from crying.

“Just getting some water. Excuse me–”

He gets up. “I’ll get it.”

“No. I–I don’t need your help. It’s okay.” She skirts around him, ducking under his arm.

Bucky follows her slowly; there’s not far to go in such a small cabin, but he jams his hands in his pockets and watches her fill a cup at the sink. She’s shaking. She must be starving. The rest of the rice is still in the pot, staying chilled on the porch. He can warm it up for her, easily.

“You should eat,” he murmurs.

“No thank you.” She knocks back the small cup’s worth of water, and refills it. She crosses towards the bedroom and he can’t help himself–Bucky reaches out and grabs her elbow. A bit of water sloshes out of the cup in her hand, but she doesn’t move to pull away. She doesn’t even look at him.

“‘M sorry. That I don’t remember.”

“Hmm. If that were true… that you’re sorry… I think you’d let yourself try, now. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to say that you’ve been acting like you feel something. But. I can see that you don’t want to. I’ll get over it.”

She isn’t angry as she says it, and that makes it twice as cutting. She’s resigned to it. When she pulls her elbow free, Bucky feels like somehow he’s made everything worse. He’s hurt her, too. And even apologizing didn’t fix it.

Why does that feel so much worse than actually putting a knife in her belly?

***

tag list: @peterhollandkait @hogwartsahist0ry @abitgryffindorky @ohheyjanie @idgafiamallthefandoms @mysticatto @im-just-star-dust @light-through-stained-glass @ginger-swag-rapunzel @sanguineterrain @honeywithemoney @imokayunlessyoumentionendgame @lalalalokii

message or comment to be added to the tag list :)

CHRIS EVANS is PEOPLEs 2022 Sexiest Man Alive

R.I.P. Matthew

Matthew Langford Perry (August 19, 1969 - October 28, 2023)

See you on the other side!!

SEBASTIAN STAN For Entertainment Weekly By Miller Mobley

It’s here!!

Did it Ever Really Matter? (3/?)

Pairings: collegehockeyplayer!Ari Levinson x female reader (Levs x itty bitty)

Warnings: ANGST- so much angst (I’m sorry!), explicit language, mean girls, feelings of low self esteem, broken heart, mention of physical violence (female against male), Cappy being an ass, flashback scenes (must be 18+)

Word Count: 2.6K

A/N: angst was not my intent for these two- well not this much angst. I’m sorry!

This is not beta read. All mistakes are my own.

Levs x itty bitty: hockey AU

Lucky Charms: hockey AU

"Yeah, I kinda just snapped" you grimaced before taking the to-go cup from the barista and nodding a thank you, "I just..." you blew out a heavy exhale.

"Well you are my new favorite person and I'm just sorry I missed it" bug beamed from ear-to-ear, "it's about time somebody gave that doofus a black eye," she almost looked giddy as she accepted her drink before stepping away from the coffee cart in the direction of the arena.

"I've never punched anyone before... well... other than Levs and it was always playful and he's a brick house" you smiled, gaze dropping to the ground as you felt your cheeks heat.

"Um... right?" Bug giggled, I thought Barnesy was a beefcake... but Levs? Holy hell. What's that like?" She raised her eyebrow suggestively.

"I wouldn't know" you sighed, shoulders slumping a little as you took a sip of the coffee bug offered to buy you after finding out about your tipsy tussle with the hockey captain.

"What?" bug stopped dead in her tracks as she arm barred you, "I thought you and Ari were... dating?"

"No" you felt a lump building in your throat, "we... I don't really know what we are... we've been friends forever and we made this stupid deal to take it a step further... to... you know... when he scores on the ice. But he hasn't since... and Cappy thinks it's my fault."

"What?" bug made a face, "oh, that fucking meatball..." she grumbled to herself, shaking her head.

"Ari's just so superstitious and I..." your voice cracked with emotion.

"Hey... no... y/n... stop!" bug said, pulling you in for an awkward side hug, "I know we haven't known each other long, but even I can tell how head-over-heels that slab of beef is for you. And he actually seems like one of the good ones."

"I guess" you sniffled as you continued on towards the arena.

"Oh... before I forget" bug reached into her bag, pulling out a folded up t-shirt, "it's to promote the adoption drive and the calendar... it has Lev's number on the back… he already paid for it… he wants you wearing his number, that’s gotta say something…” she wagged her eyebrows at you and you took it, rolling your eyes with a warm laugh.

“So… you wearing Cappy’s?” you asked bug.

“Not exactly” she smirked, holding open her coat to reveal the “Team Cappy Team Literally Anyone Else” shirt she was wearing.

“Oh my god” you snorted, shaking your coffee a little too hard as it spilled over the rim, “that’s amazing! Did you have that made?” you asked, sipping the spilled coffee off the lid.

“No” bug tried biting back her smile, “Crappy had it made for me.”

“You like him” you smiled softly at your new friend.

“I’m really trying not to…” bug frowned, apologetically.

“Don’t” you reassured her, “he’s actually a good guy… or he used to be at least.”

“I don’t know” bug shook her head, taking another sip of her coffee.

“I think you’re good for him” you offered, “maybe he’ll stop being such an ass with you…”

“Well if he’s an ass again you have my full support in giving him another black eye” bug giggled as she nudged you with her shoulder.

"Thanks” you smirked with a playful eye roll, “when is the calendar shoot, anyway?" you asked nodding to the adoption drive t-shirt in your hand.

"Next week" bug sighed, "and everything has to go just right... we won't have enough time to redo any shots before the photos have to go to the printer..."

"I'm sure it will be fine" you smiled, "do you need any help?"

"Thank you" bug smiled at you, "I think we’re OK... clover will be there and the photographer has 2 assistants that are amazing... Cappy said he would be on his best behavior and the rest of the guys are being surprisingly cooperative."

"Even Shea and Storm?" you couldn't believe it.

"Even Shea and Storm" bug smirked.

"How?" you wanted to know what sorcery bug held over these guys.

"Told them they'd get to see boobs" bug laughed.

"You're showing them your boobs?" you snorted with laughter.

"Hell no!" bug laughed, "I'm going to have Cappy do it... he's got a good set of man boobs..."

You shook your head laughing as you pushed the door to the arena open.

"I gotta go find Levs" you told bug, "save me a seat?"

"Sure" bug smiled, waving as she turned in the direction of the stands.

"Hey, bit" Levs called out as he hockey stopped in front of the boards, taking his helmet off and ducking to press a soft kiss to your forehead.

"How's your hand, slugger?" he teased. You brought your hand up with a cringe, the small knuckles littered with bruises from last night.

"I... I'm sorry" you couldn't meet his gaze, totally mortified, "he just... god... he's such a fucking asshole, ya know?"

"Trust me... I know" Ari's exhale was heavy as he gently took your hand, bringing it to his mouth and ghosting his lips over the knuckles with soft kisses.

"How ya feeling?" you asked, changing the subject as you tugged your hand away, still embarrassed at last night’s outburst as a kaleidoscope of butterflies bloomed in your belly.

Another 3 games had passed leaving Ari scoreless and cranky.

"Good... I think" he shrugged just as a puck banked off the boards and slide in his direction. Levs turned and lobbed the puck back towards the net- missing by several inches.

"He was making 'em before you showed up" number seven said, sporting a dark shiner.

"Fuck off, Crappy" you grumbled.

"Yeah... whatcha gonna do? Give me another black eye?" Cappy snorted.

“You see bug’s shirt yet?” you goaded.

Steve narrowed his eyes at you before he turned in the direction of student seating- scanning the stands for bug.

"Enough, Cap" Ari warned as Cappy shook his head, skating away.

"Don't let him get to you" Ari said, turning back to you with a smile. But you’ve known Levs long enough to know that the smile was forced. Ari was in his head and Crappy was making it worse.

"But what if he's right?" your voice cracked with emotion.

Levs shook his head, putting his helmet back on and skating towards the goal. He whistled to Barnesy, signaling for a puck and Bucky shot one to him.

Levs turned back, making sure you were watching as he angled his stick back, a slap shot cracking over the ice when the puck sailed towards the empty warm up net. The puck pinged off the post and missed.

Your eyes prickled as you watched Ari miss two more times. Blinking back the tears you left without saying goodbye- trying to make your way to the bathroom before you burst out in tears.

You stood sniffling in a stall when you heard them. Straining to listen as your heart hammered in your chest.

"I knew it... the entire time" Kimmy insisted. You could see her through the crack in the stall, she was leaning into the mirror while putting on lipgloss.

"You think they were fucking the whole time?" another girl asked.

"Oh, I know they were" Kimmy scoffed.

Wrong.

"What a slut" her friend said, "she probably fucks the whole team..."

Wrong. They were all wrong. You hadn't slept with anyone on the team. Not even Ari.

"Well... take him back" another friend said, "he wasn't hers to begin with... and besides you're hotter."

A fresh wave of tears spilled as the mean girls cackled, leaving the bathroom and no doubt going to find Ari.

You pulled another handful of tissue from the toilet paper roll, feeling sick to your stomach and utterly sorry for yourself. You should just leave. How stupid could you be... if Levs hadn't scored yet did he actually really want to?

And what had Crappy say last night?

"You took one of the top scorers on the team and nutured him. Give him his balls back, tt!"

That's when you punched the smirk right off his stupid face.

What did Steve Rogers know? You mattered. Levs told you so himself.

After taking a few more minutes to compose yourself, you sucked it up and made you way back towards the ice- knowing that Ari would want your usual send off for good luck.

You stopped dead in your tracks when you saw him skating around carefree on the ice as Kimmy and her friends cheered him on. Ari came to a stop in front of Kimmy as she reached out grabby hands and he dropped a puck to her.

You rolled your eyes when she kissed it for good luck and tossed it back on the ice. Your chest tightened as you watched Ari reach out with his stick and take the puck.

You silently chastised yourself for hoping he'd miss as he lined the shot up, his stick cracking over the puck as it zipped across the ice- practically burning a hole through the net.

"Gooooooooaaaaaaaaaal" Cappy cheered obnoxiously as Kimmy and her friends bounced and clapped. Steve hooked the puck from the net and shot it back to Ari, he moved to shoot it again before Kimmy said something. Ari hesitated for a moment before picking it back up and handing it to her.

You couldn't hear what Kimmy was saying but saw the way her friends giggled as Ari leaned in, Kimmy holding the puck up to his lips before pulling it away and pressing a kiss to his mouth at the last second.

Your heart sank, the instant bitter taste of bile rising up your throat as you blinked back a fresh wave of tears.

Ari pulled away instantly, frowning at Kimmy as he spoke until his gaze caught yours standing about 6 feet behind them.

The shirt with Ari's number for the adoption drive fell from your hand as tears streamed freely down your face. Shaking your head at him, it was as if you were having a silent conversation, Ari's expression looked pained- his eyes pleading as you shook your head, turning on your heels and walking away.

"Bit... don't" you heard him call as you weaved through the packed arena, fans filling the stands for the game.

The lump in your throat burned as you wiped your tears with the sleeve of Ari's oversized hoodie, hurrying towards the front door as you tried like hell to hold it together.

"Bit....stop!" you heard Ari's voice boom down the long hallway, pausing only briefly you saw the giant, lumbering after you, still on his skates, as the crowd of people parted like the Red Sea for him.

You chirped, turning back around and pushing your way through the swarm of fans with more urgency. You couldn't do this anymore. Not while your heart was breaking.

"Bit.... Fuck! Y/N... stop... please" his voice was fading into the noise of the arena the more distance you put between you.

No doubt Ari was getting swarmed by now. Always a fan favorite and for once it was working in your favor.

You made it to the door, gripping the handle and letting out a trembling breath you didn't even realize you were holding. Your lungs burned, chest ached and you knew you shouldn't but you turned back for one last look.

You couldn't help smiling as the sob choked up your throat. Ari, surrounded by a sea of his young fans. A gentle giant, still trying to push through the throng of people as he looked up, locking eyes with you where you stood, hesitating at the entrance.

"Please" he mouthed, still about 20 feet away from you, even from this distance you could tell his eyes were watery and it made you want to run to him. Want to make it all better.

"I'm sorry" you murmured, pushing the door open and slipping though without looking back. The door slammed shut behind you with a finality you weren't ready for, but even then, you wouldn't let yourself turn back.

You walked across campus, trying to steady your breathing, at least until you made it to your car- parked in the big lot across campus.

You half expected him to come chasing after you. If you were being honest- you wanted him to chase after you. But it was time. This will-they, won't-they over the past 2 years was slowly eating you alive. It wasn't good for either of you.

You had been right there all along and he never made it happen. He never sealed the deal. And you had tried. You told him what you wanted the end of your sophomore year.

He had said it mattered. It was supposed to matter.

A sob bubbled up your throat, painful and hot as tears blurred your vision. You were about 10 minutes from your car. Damn this large campus.

When Ari left for summer break you lasted a week. One agonizing week without him. You decided you were going to go- surprise him in Canada. He had always said he wanted to take you- wanted you to meet his Mom and the small town he grew up in. He wanted to show you the lake where he learned how to skate and where his junior team won their first championship.

But the night before you were set to leave, you saw it. A seven second video, playing on a loop. You probably watched it 20 times.

Ari with his on-again-off-again high school sweetheart- kissing outside a bar.

She posted it. Levs didn't even have a social media. You were sure he didn't even know about it. But that's what made it so damning. That and the fact that he was wearing a tournament tshirt Coach V had made only a few weeks back.

Oh, how you wanted to convince yourself it was an old video.

You leaned against you car, sighing with a heavy kind of temporary relief. You were glad to be back at your car- but not sure what the hell you were going to do now. You couldn't be here.

Gripping the handle and yanking the door open you sat in your car, holding the steering wheel as you finally let yourself feel. The tears were coming fast as you sobbed, sobbed so hard it made your chest ache and your head throb.

You cried for all the time you spent pining for him. For all the hopeful moments spent in his arms thinking someday. Someday this would happen for you. Someday you would matter enough. But it didn't. You didn't.

And now that you saw it from the other side you still couldn't understand why that someday never came.

When Ari came back after that summer, you acted like nothing happened. You didn't tell him that you saw the kiss. You just dove into your school work, dated a handful of other guys unsuccessfully and continued to be Ari's good friend. His itty bitty. Hoping that one day he would figure it out. That he would truly see that it did matter.

You stayed in your car the duration of the game- only realizing it when you saw people start to funnel out in the direction of the arena. The crowd looked happy which meant the boys won. You hoped Ari scored. But not for you this time. For him.

You took a deep clarifying breath, easing the car out of the parking lot and turning away from campus. You knew what you needed to do and for once, it didn't involve Ari.

Turns out, even after all this time, it didn't actually matter after all.

Check out bug’s Team Literally Anyone Else t-shirt made by the lovely and talented @justalonelyslytherin ❤️

The hockey dividers were made by the lovely and talented @firefly-graphics ❤️

As always, thank you for all the love and support. Please check out my archive blog where I only post new fics @drabblewithfrannybarnesfics ❤️

#HE’S MESSY SEBASTIAN STAN as Bucky Barnes in THE FALCON AND THE WINTER SOLDIER (2021) — Created by Malcolm Spellman