I Would Love To Know What The People Complaining About Their Acting Choices Would Want Them To Do. Like

Further thoughts on Buddie following episodes 8x11.

I'm speculating here, but I think this episode was about setting up a coherent and satisfying narrative around Buck and Eddie's feelings for each other. Look. Buck's recently figured out he's bisexual. If he's going to end up dating Eddie, Eddie needs to come out too. But how do you get two main characters to come out as queer when they've only ever dated women before? That's a wildly convenient coincidence.

(Audiences hate convenient coincidences.)

Now Buck is insisting he's not interested in Eddie. Why isn't he interested in Eddie? Well, Eddie's straight. Okay, that's not really an answer. But it doesn't matter! Because Eddie's straight! Why does everyone think he's in love with his best friend? His best friend is straight!

Suddenly Eddie's sexuality is a question. Is Eddie straight? Why is that important to Buck? What would happen if he wasn't? Fandom has been asking these questions since day one and we've already got more than a few answers of our own. But now Eddie's sexuality is being made salient by the narrative. And we're being told, Buck is not in love with his straight best friend.

So, hypothetically: Eddie comes out as Not Straight. This is no longer a wildly convenient coincidence. It's a complication. (Audiences love complications). Because now Buck has to answer the question that we've just established he does not want to answer. Are you in love with your best friend?

They can also reverse the order. Have Buck answer that question and move on to What Now? In this case, Eddie coming out is now a resolution. (Audiences also love resolutions). I think this is the less interesting path but it's also possible.

Usually when I dissect narratives like this I think in terms of "what I would have done." This is not what I would have done. This is better than what I would have done, because I've never had to convince my audience that People Can Be Queer, Actually, Yes Even Him. I would not have thought to structure it this way. I didn't think to structure it this way, and I've given a lot of thought to how I would hypothetically structure a getting together arc that would be convincing to a mainstream audience. I've been thinking that the only options for Eddie coming out are either Buck is supportive and excited for him as a friend, or Buck is painfully hopeful because he's been pining. Way, way better: Eddie comes out and Buck, who's been insisting for months that just because he's queer doesn't mean he's in love with his best friend, immediately realises he's in love with his best friend. And spirals.

Literally Buck being Eddie’s biggest supporter is so important, Eddie feels so alone and isolated and like he’s on the outside right now, but he’s got Buck. No matter how far away he always has Buck like!!!!!!!!!!!!

buck, sweetheart, honey, baby duck, you being in love with your best friend has nothing to do with your best friend’s sexuality and/or relationship status.

Eddie Diaz, Queerness, and Faith

So I've had this idea floating around in my head all day following the most recent episode and with Buddie canon seemingly closer than ever, I thought I'd share it with y'all.

An interesting storyline I would absolutely LOVE for them to explore with Eddie is his relationship with Catholacism/Christianity as a whole and his sexuality, both in childhood and as an adult. I think it's inevitable that his relationship with religion would be brought up if they decide to go the route of Eddie being a repressed gay man. It's kind of unavoidable given his family history and his resurfaced Catholic guilt. I mean, growing up in Texas in the Catholic church as a gay kid??? As a queer atheist, it sounds like my own personal hell.

That being said, I think it would be really cool to see Eddie's journey to self-acceptance coincide with a restored faith in God and the church. It's not a storyline I've personally seen very often with gay characters (the only example I can think of atm is Eric from Sex Education), and I think it could be a really valuable form of representation for both progressive forms of Christianity and queer BIPOC Christians.

I don't think it's realistic given Eddie's decades-long repression for him to have this realization of feelings for Buck and just be okay with it without taking the time to interrogate all of his past relationships (romantic, familial, and religious) and how they have contributed to his repression. I would love to see him come back to LA post-feelings realization and for him to have more conversations with Father Brian about all of this. I want there to be a conversation between them about how Father Brian can reconcile being a gay man (because let's face it, he likely is, despite being celibate) and his faith in God, as well as being an active participant in the church who is guiding other people in their faith. I want to see the juxtaposition of Eddie growing up with a faith that is, at it's core, based in guilt and shame, to stepping into a faith based in love, acceptance, and affirmation (as, imo, Christianity SHOULD BE but all too often is not). I want more bonding and one-on-one conversations between Eddie and Bobby about faith, too. It would be really nice to see them bond more over something they have in common outside of their profession, especially with Bobby being a father figure to Buck.

I think his relationship with Buck could also be a way to explore inter-faith relationships. Now, I could be completely off-base with this, but Buck strikes me as a character that, while superstitious, is not religious. There hasn't been anything I've seen up to this point, that I can remember anyway, that suggests Buck believes in God. If it is the case that he is an atheist or agnostic, I would love to see how they navigate their relationship surrounding the topic, especially given the long and difficult history surrounding homophobia in the church. I don't even necessarily mind the topic becoming quite contentious (between them or brought on by external circumstances), but at the end of it all I want to see them get to a point where they approach this potential difference with love and mutual respect.

Idk I think it would just be really cool if they made this decision with Eddie's character. I know I've seen a few clips of Ryan in interviews talking about his own faith journey: growing up in the church, becoming distant from it as he got older, and then later coming back to God and religion. It would be awesome to see him being able to pour some of his own personal experiences with religion into this character, especially with how their journeys with faith would be kind of paralleled (though not entirely the same).

Anyways, if anyone wants to send me pre-existing fics or even write some based on this premise, I would love to read them 😊

(x) bro kenny literally kept telling him it's a shit idea. if bobby really is dead then this is just... man...

Honestly, I'm really disappointed they decided to go the DID route. The "evil alter" trope will always be incredibly tasteless, offensive, and just factually unfounded. I need tv and film to stop crafting narratives that perpetuate the demonization of vulnerable, traumatized groups please.

Eddie isn't sure what he's expecting when Buck meets him at the airport. Red-rimmed eyes, splotchy face, hunched shoulders probably. Not this. Distant eyes, blank face, straight-backed. He'd been braced to catch Buck as soon as he landed, had spent his whole flight locking every bit of his own grief away to be thought about at a later date, let the guilt pool in his chest instead.

I should've been there, I could've -

He'd been ready to catch Buck, but it's Eddie who falls into Buck's waiting arms. Eddie who tears up. Eddie who clutches at the back of Buck's shirt like a scared child. And it's Buck sweeping his hands up and down Eddie's back, holding him together, murmuring:

"It's okay. I've got you. It's not your fault."

Eddie doesn't cry in LAX. His grief is a private thing. Always has been. He locks it into his bedroom and lets it out behind closed doors. But Buck is the safest space he's ever had, so he lets himself break a little. Lets himself shake apart under Buck's hands until he can ground himself with a deep breath at the junction of Buck's neck and shoulder. Until he can stand on his own.

Buck looks at him, eyes searching, deepest of furrows between his brows, so devastatingly gentle. And Eddie kind of wants to fucking scream at him for being okay. He'd needed to take care of Buck. He'd needed to have something to do. But now Buck is looking at him like he can fix him, and Eddie wants him to. So badly. But Buck knows Eddie's grief is for South Bedford Street, not LAX, so all he does is lead Eddie out to the parking lot.

It's a silent drive. Buck tells him the details of the funeral. Clinical. Sparing. And Eddie watches Buck's knuckles turn white on the steering wheel. Listens to the creak of leather under an unyielding grip. And he sees it then. The countdown over Buck's head, ticking away steadily. He's grateful in a way.

They pull up to the house silently. The engine falls quiet. And they stare at the door. The door Bobby had appeared on the other side of just a few months ago for a goodbye dinner. At the house. The house Bobby made coffee in when Eddie couldn't stomach being alone. At the home. The home Bobby helped him build in every way.

Buck gets out of the car. Eddie follows. Buck unlocks the door. Eddie locks it behind them. Buck disappears into the kitchen. Eddie pauses.

Can't quite separate Bobby from kitchens in his mind. And it's not like Bobby ever cooked anything in Eddie's kitchen, but there's some stupid grief-crazed part of his brain that thinks he'll find Bobby at the stove for a last supper. A parting gift to Eddie. Because Bobby was always too good. Too generous. Too understanding. When it came to Eddie.

When he finally makes it in there, Buck is stood staring into the fridge. Vacant. Eddie joins him, presses their shoulders together as hard as he can without knocking Buck away, and looks at Buck's fingers curled loosely around two beer bottles. Eddie knows it's not the early hour staying his hand.

It feels wrong. To find comfort in alcohol at Bobby's expense.

Carefully, Eddie unpicks Buck's fingers from the bottles and watches as Buck's arm falls limp to his side with such weight it bounces off his hip. Swings once, twice, stops suddenly. Eddie grabs the water filter. Closes the fridge.

"Sit down," he whispers. Sure, steady.

Buck sits down.

Eddie grabs two glasses. Fills them with water. Leaves the filter on the side. Who cares? Who fucking cares? Takes the glasses over to the table in shaking hands. Spills only a little. Sits opposite Buck. Stares into his cup.

"I didn't say it back," Buck rasps eventually.

Eddie picks his head up with great effort. Ony manages it because he wants to see what hurt he's caused. Their missing medic. Absent in their hour of need.

"What?"

"B-he-he told me he loved me." Buck's eyes go wide. Horrified. Haunted. Hollow. "He t-told me he l-loved me, and I could-couldn't say it back be-because that would mean..." Buck chokes a sob into his hand. "I thought we'd fix it. I-I-I thought we'd find a way. We-we always do. I couldn't say it-it. I didn't want t-to let him go. And now, he's..." Buck's face crumples first. Then, the rest of his body follows, folding in on itself in the chair until he looks almost as small as Christopher had the first time he'd ever sat at this table. "He's d-gone, and he doesn't know I love him."

"He knows, Buck." Eddie's hand curls into a fist on the tabletop. Doesn't know what to do. For all he'd been ready to hold Buck together, he's not sure how. "He knows you love him, Buck. You told him every single day."

"But I never said the words!" he snaps. Pure rage. Pure guilt. He looks up at Eddie. Blue eyes wet and red and wild. The rage and the guilt seeps away, leaves only pure grief. "I never said the words."

He sobs then. Doesn't choke it down. Lets it out. Eddie reacts like it's instinct even though he's never done this before. Just somehow knows in his bones what to do when it comes to Buck.

He stands, rounds the table, slides a hand into Buck's hair, one on his shoulder, pulls Buck's face into his stomach and holds him there, holds him together. Buck's fingers tangle themselves in Eddie's belt loops. A lifeline. And Eddie holds him tight as he can.

"All the times you cooked for him. All the times he cooked for you. The two of you cooking together. You had your own language, Buck. He knows you love him."

And all Eddie hears is: you're gonna stand there with a hundred-something bodies on you and tell me I'm not fit for duty. Did Bobby know Eddie loved him too?

Squeezing his eyes shut tight, Eddie drops his cheek to the top of Buck's head. Stops holding Buck together and starts holding on. Buck's hands grasp at his hips, twist into the back of his shirt just like Eddie's had at the airport.

And all Eddie hears is: I just want to make sure you don't think you have to lose everything before you can allow yourself to feel anything.

AND ANOTHER THING:

I am disappointed that we didn't get a scene where Buck and Eddie actually went through the house and packed up everything Eddie wanted to bring with him to El Paso. It would have been nice to see them interact as Eddie decided what furniture and memories were the most important, that he couldn't part with. Also, it would have been cute to have Buck pick up and pack away something that Eddie may have forgotten about but that he knows Eddie would want to take with him. Because he knows Eddie and what he would find important. I wish they could have had a moment to reminisce about the memories they had together and with Chris in the house before they said their goodbyes. But alas, we did not get to see that 😔

Post-Episode 8x10 Buddie Thoughts

"You matter to me" Ugh just tell him you love him pleaseeee

That hug did not feel platonic in any way. I'll have to go back and watch it later, but the closeup focus on their faces before they pull away feels so much more significant in a way their previous hugs have not.

The awkwardness with which they interacted with each other as well can only be described as "how people act around their crush, nervous af"

Buck was so fucking awkward I love that dork. He does not know how to act normal about his feelings. He has to know, right??? The final shot of him as Eddie drives away feels like a revelation

I NEED TO KNOW IF EDDIE LEFT THE COUCH TO BUCK