When You Are Committed To The Game

Let me tell you how I out thieved these two thieves at work.

So I work a retail job on top of many other jobs, and these two girls were in and out of my store at least 8 times. Which is sketchy and pretty much a give away that they were quite obviously stealing things, I’d see them stick their hands in their pockets or in their bags, but I was the only person at work today so I couldn’t stop checking people out in order to confront them…..which im sure they noticed.

Fast forward a few hours when they finally come back in, they had decided to purchase something to seem less suspicious. A 4$ pair of pearl earrings. At this point there is no one else in the store so I think Game On.

While they were scanning the shelves for anything else they might want, I’m looking at their pockets. I can clearly see the small ring through the fabric that they swiped earlier, the outline of tags shoved in their back pockets, amateurs.

Now for those of you that don’t know, I was stranded in Ireland for about a month with little to no money when I was a teenager and had to resort to being shady to get by till my cousin got me a ticket home. 

Long story short, I am an excellent pick pocket. But I only use my powers for good instead of evil now. 

So I followed them around the store pretending to bump into them as I put items back on the shelves, I stole NOT ONLY the product that they took, but everything in their back pockets. Now before you wag your finger at me just hold on a minute. They come to the register to get the one item they decided to pay for, and I’m smiling the whole time.

 I tell them they price and then…I wait. 

The one girl frantically patted her pockets, clearly confused and she looked at the other girl to ask “Where’s my money at?”  This girl is clearly upset at this point and I suggested “Oh hey maybe you dropped it?” in the most sincere retail voice I can force my vocal cords to produce. Her and her friend drop to their knees and start searching for it. I let them continue like that for 10 minutes before I tell them that I had found it earlier and forgotten. 

“You really should be careful the more you have in your pockets the easier it is for your money to fall out :)))))” I say, the statement unnerved them, they didn’t know if i KNEW or not. But they awkwardly shook it off with a laugh and I start to ring up the earrings again. BUT THIS TIME, I reach over the counter and start to ring up the items I had taken from their pockets. I dropped the tags on the counter and the merchandise hit the table hard, just like these girls mouths hit the floor. 

You should have seen their faces it looked like someone had sucked the very essence right from their bodies. “Oh no she did not.” The one girl whispered as she checked her pockets yet again. Yes, Yes I did :) i’m beaming, their reaction added ten years to my lifespan. They apologize, laughing it off like it was a funny joke. But I’m not done yet.This time I look them dead in the eyes and go “Would you like me to ring out whats in your bags too before security gets here?” 

Shock, pure dismay and anguish come over them, they look at each other. Each of them looks at me like I have personally came and shot their dogs. I AM LIVING, I’m reveling in the situation. Slowly, they lift their bags and dump out more products than Mary Poppins could shove in her bottomless purse. I start ringing it all up. They look horrified. A total of 400$ worth of items. I hold the fate of these girls in my hands and they know it. Over 200$ is a felony larceny charge. But I think they have suffered enough and jail is not fun so I present the ultimatum. 

“You buy it all and I’ll let you go.” 

and that is how I made all my sales goals and fucked with some shoplifters. 

FIRST PAGE OF SEASON 6!

A Really Fucking Vulgar Guide to Not Losing Your Shit in College (Condensed Version)

Bitches love to put things into lists. Moreover, bitches love numbered shit. Here’s some numbered shit in list format to help you not suck in higher education. You’re welcome.

1. Go to class. Like 210% serious. I don’t give a shit if you’re a get by on nothing, A+ slacker. You’re fucking paying for this crap so you might as well get the services owed to you. Take your ass to class even if you zone out 99% of the time. You know 1% more than you did when you walked up in there. Congrats, asshole.

2. All that free time you have during your first week of classes? Make it your bitch. Don’t just print the goddamn syllabus and be like all done. No motherfucker. Take a good fucking look at that assignment list. What’s due next week? Yeah, do that shit now bc I know you don’t have anything else to do. Then when you’re coughing up a lung six weeks into the semester and don’t feel like getting your ass up to do that calculus homework, you’ll remember this week. You’ll remember that you’ve been a week ahead this whole damn semester. Pat yourself on the back, ass wipe.

3. Prepare yo self. No seriously. You got notes to print for class? Sure you could be like all those other bitches and just shove them into your backpack, or you could actually /prepare/ for class. I’m talking looking that shit over, identifying key concepts, getting a decent grasp of the material before your ass is even in class. You a STEM major? Yeah, make this kinda shit your life because now class is like one bomb ass group review session. Again, you’re welcome.

4. Snack like a motherfucker, but save that junk food shit for the weekends. From now on, you are a fucking health guru during the week or if you’re a slacker like me, at least on the days you have class. Fruits? Hell yeah. Pack some of those. Mind wandering in class? Snack on some apple slices. Can’t stay awake? Keep eating some almonds or some shit, but don’t be that bitch with the potato chips. Just don’t.

5. Read. Yeah, you heard me. Read and I’m not just talking assigned reading. I bet my left butt cheek that your campus library has /something/ of interest to you. Commuting and don’t want to drive out there? Library databases bro. We’re in the digital age, motherfucker. I’d bet my other butt cheek that the shit you want is in a nice little PDF somewhere. But na man, you thinking maybe you want to go into computer science? Check out computer science books and eat them up bro. You don’t like reading them? Probably not the field for you. You a biology major in your second year? Yeah dumbass. Time to break out the bio books and not the ones your professor is shoving in your face. Amaze your friends and teachers with your out of class knowledge. Be a fucking star.

Modern/Stylish/Teenage? Animated shows

YA LIT MEME: [6/10] books or series

Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling  +  four-word lines

🕔 COUNTDOWN UPDATE: Po, Shifu and the Furious Five return in Kung Fu Panda 3 in 50 days!

can u art 2012 april in a princess tiana blue dress costume for halloween

Here we go :3

Thought it would be great to practice on my new brush too.

But on another note, if October 13 is Darkiplier’s “birthday”

then Antisepticeye is older than him by 3 days :D

yes i have this whole series for slytherin!gojo but let’s take a moment to think about gryffindor!gojo.

a guy who is really the center of attention, the life of the party, the student that everybody knows even if they’ve never had a conversation with him. yes he’s the captain of the gryffindor quidditch team, go figure. girls (and some guys) love him and everybody wants to be him.

gojo satoru is truly what people imagine when they think of the gryffindor house.

which is ironic because you’re probably the last person that comes to mind when house gryffindor is brought up.

it’s not that you’re not a gryffindor or embody it or whatever bullshit others say, you’re just, reserved.

and sure you have your own friends and your own life, but from the long list of gryffindor past and present, you seem a little different. you keep to yourself, you’re not loud, you’re not entirely brave (killing a spider is a daring task), and you don’t really like quidditch. not that you care about all of this. not at all.

and for some reason you have this inexplicable hatred for gojo. he’s loud, overbearing, he makes everything a joke, everybody loves him for some reason, and he always gets what he wants. all the professor dote over him, and it doesn’t help that he comes from a long line of witches and wizards when you’re just starting out.

you doubt he even knows your name, despite being in the same year, but you don’t care. you always manage to grumble something under your breath when he’s around.

so of course with your luck you find yourself in the common rooms, late into the hours of the evening, stressing over a potions paper you knew you should’ve started earlier.

and of course gryffindor!gojo is the only other person in the room, stressing over the same thing. and of course his eyes roam over to you and your hunched over form and your piece of parchment.

and when he strolls over and plops down beside you with that unbearable smile you have to control your face from grimacing.

“i don’t think we’ve ever met before,” gojo, the prince of gryffindor starts as if you don’t know him, “i’m satoru. and i think we’ve got the same problem and i could really use some help,”

his eyes are a bright blue that seem to shine in the crackling fire of the hearth, and his lips are pink and soft, pulled back in a customary smile. your swallow thickly.

“i’m a bit busy, so, no,” you say with an unapologetic look, quickly packing up your papers and shove them in your book bag, not noticing the way the esteemed gryffindors face falls in confusion at your bluntness, “goodnight.”

you race away to your dorm, shaking your head in annoyance and at his audacity all while he sits aghast on the couch, trying to think if he said anything wrong.

but don’t worry, if gojo satoru is one thing, it’s persistent. and he’ll figure out your problem even if it kills him.