Something Bad Happened To You, And You Died, And You Came Back Wrong.

something bad happened to you, and you died, and you came back wrong.

not wrong all the way. the little ways. you forget important dates, stopped going out with friends. it's harder to make you smile. you're apathetic towards things you used to love, afraid of places you used to go to cheer up. quieter. flinching. different.

you came back for love. you're still here for love. what pulled you back was a brightness so loud that even death couldn't outshout it. death heard the call and smiled at you and said okay. go home. somebody is waiting for you.

but you came back different. like lot's wife; you've turned into salt. you used to chirp through life in hops and skips; but now you lose skin just standing up. you have to move slower, skimming across this world without-touching-it. most things feel dull - until they're suddenly all-too-much. life, and being alive just rushes up and over you and you get hopelessly crushed.

you try to explain it to them: it is ugly, but this is what you are, now. the huge golden hoop of your halo now a little bronze ring. you are still watering your plants and wearing the same clothes. after all, you worked hard to come home. this life; so odd and off-color, now that you are wrong.

but they waited for you - it's just that they wanted the "you" that happened before this. the "you" that could sing in the show and hug people tight and look at a blade without breaking down to cry. the you with a smile in pictures. god, holyshit, it's like looking at a completely different person, isn't it. that other-you; the one they actually wanted.

you are the consolation prize. you are the body that forgot the ghost. you are the memory of the bad thing, and the death after; like you are wearing that memory as a banner. you are a fragment, an assembly. simulacrum. you don't make eye contact in mirrors, afraid the light will glance off and your true nature will flash back at you.

you hear them talk about it in their hushed, desperate whispers. sometimes they even admit it to your face; harsh and violent, acid thrown at christmas dinner. god, can you just fucking be normal again. you do not remember what normal is. you had to climb so far to get back here; you are far too exhausted. you want to open the glass door of your heart and show all the gears. can you help resolve whatever got messed up?

you try so, so hard. you came back for them. because you believed they would love you, even when you were so horribly broken. because you believed they would be patient. because you believed unconditional meant "without exception." you cannot do things the same way. you just get tired too quickly these days.

you want to put them on a couch and pour them the tea with hands that shake more than they remember. you want to line them up and draw them a map of where you have had to wander. you want to show every bruise in a backsplash; the little helpless ant of your soul carrying all that weight, over and over. you want to say: yes! it is different! but i did it for love!

you want to say: "i'm not the same, but i'm yours and i'm here. can that be enough?"

More Posts from Foggedupforsaken and Others

9 months ago

We were discussing creating characters in my screenwriting class, and my professor had us fill out a number of these questions that I found could be helpful for other writers and roleplayers and could even be an ask meme. Below the cut are 100 QUESTIONS for your character to answer.

Keep reading

4 months ago
FAMOUS AUTHORS

FAMOUS AUTHORS

Classic Bookshelf: This site has put classic novels online, from Charles Dickens to Charlotte Bronte.

The Online Books Page: The University of Pennsylvania hosts this book search and database.

Project Gutenberg: This famous site has over 27,000 free books online.

Page by Page Books: Find books by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle and H.G. Wells, as well as speeches from George W. Bush on this site.

Classic Book Library: Genres here include historical fiction, history, science fiction, mystery, romance and children’s literature, but they’re all classics.

Classic Reader: Here you can read Shakespeare, young adult fiction and more.

Read Print: From George Orwell to Alexandre Dumas to George Eliot to Charles Darwin, this online library is stocked with the best classics.

Planet eBook: Download free classic literature titles here, from Dostoevsky to D.H. Lawrence to Joseph Conrad.

The Spectator Project: Montclair State University’s project features full-text, online versions of The Spectator and The Tatler.

Bibliomania: This site has more than 2,000 classic texts, plus study guides and reference books.

Online Library of Literature: Find full and unabridged texts of classic literature, including the Bronte sisters, Mark Twain and more.

Bartleby: Bartleby has much more than just the classics, but its collection of anthologies and other important novels made it famous.

Fiction.us: Fiction.us has a huge selection of novels, including works by Lewis Carroll, Willa Cather, Sherwood Anderson, Flaubert, George Eliot, F. Scott Fitzgerald and others.

Free Classic Literature: Find British authors like Shakespeare and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, plus other authors like Jules Verne, Mark Twain, and more.

TEXTBOOKS

Textbook Revolution: Find biology, business, engineering, mathematics and world history textbooks here.

Wikibooks: From cookbooks to the computing department, find instructional and educational materials here.

KnowThis Free Online Textbooks: Get directed to stats textbooks and more.

Online Medical Textbooks: Find books about plastic surgery, anatomy and more here.

Online Science and Math Textbooks: Access biochemistry, chemistry, aeronautics, medical manuals and other textbooks here.

MIT Open Courseware Supplemental Resources: Find free videos, textbooks and more on the subjects of mechanical engineering, mathematics, chemistry and more.

Flat World Knowledge: This innovative site has created an open college textbooks platform that will launch in January 2009.

Free Business Textbooks: Find free books to go along with accounting, economics and other business classes.

Light and Matter: Here you can access open source physics textbooks.

eMedicine: This project from WebMD is continuously updated and has articles and references on surgery, pediatrics and more.

MATH AND SCIENCE

FullBooks.com: This site has “thousands of full-text free books,” including a large amount of scientific essays and books.

Free online textbooks, lecture notes, tutorials and videos on mathematics: NYU links to several free resources for math students.

Online Mathematics Texts: Here you can find online textbooks likeElementary Linear Algebra and Complex Variables.

Science and Engineering Books for free download: These books range in topics from nanotechnology to compressible flow.

FreeScience.info: Find over 1800 math, engineering and science books here.

Free Tech Books: Computer programmers and computer science enthusiasts can find helpful books here.

CHILDREN’S BOOKS

byGosh: Find free illustrated children’s books and stories here.

Munseys: Munseys has nearly 2,000 children’s titles, plus books about religion, biographies and more.

International Children’s Digital Library: Find award-winning books and search by categories like age group, make believe books, true books or picture books.

Lookybook: Access children’s picture books here.

PHILOSOPHY AND RELIGION

Bored.com: Bored.com has music ebooks, cooking ebooks, and over 150 philosophy titles and over 1,000 religion titles.

Ideology.us: Here you’ll find works by Rene Descartes, Sigmund Freud, Karl Marx, David Hume and others.

Free Books on Yoga, Religion and Philosophy: Recent uploads to this site include Practical Lessons in Yoga and Philosophy of Dreams.

The Sociology of Religion: Read this book by Max Weber, here.

Religion eBooks: Read books about the Bible, Christian books, and more.

PLAYS

ReadBookOnline.net: Here you can read plays by Chekhov, Thomas Hardy, Ben Jonson, Shakespeare, Edgar Allan Poe and others.

Plays: Read Pygmalion, Uncle Vanya or The Playboy of the Western World here.

The Complete Works of William Shakespeare: MIT has made available all of Shakespeare’s comedies, tragedies, and histories.

Plays Online: This site catalogs “all the plays [they] know about that are available in full text versions online for free.”

ProPlay: This site has children’s plays, comedies, dramas and musicals.

MODERN FICTION, FANTASY AND ROMANCE

Public Bookshelf: Find romance novels, mysteries and more.

The Internet Book Database of Fiction: This forum features fantasy and graphic novels, anime, J.K. Rowling and more.

Free Online Novels: Here you can find Christian novels, fantasy and graphic novels, adventure books, horror books and more.

Foxglove: This British site has free novels, satire and short stories.

Baen Free Library: Find books by Scott Gier, Keith Laumer and others.

The Road to Romance: This website has books by Patricia Cornwell and other romance novelists.

Get Free Ebooks: This site’s largest collection includes fiction books.

John T. Cullen: Read short stories from John T. Cullen here.

SF and Fantasy Books Online: Books here include Arabian Nights,Aesop’s Fables and more.

Free Novels Online and Free Online Cyber-Books: This list contains mostly fantasy books.

FOREIGN LANGUAGE

Project Laurens Jz Coster: Find Dutch literature here.

ATHENA Textes Francais: Search by author’s name, French books, or books written by other authors but translated into French.

Liber Liber: Download Italian books here. Browse by author, title, or subject.

Biblioteca romaneasca: Find Romanian books on this site.

Bibliolteca Virtual Miguel de Cervantes: Look up authors to find a catalog of their available works on this Spanish site.

KEIMENA: This page is entirely in Greek, but if you’re looking for modern Greek literature, this is the place to access books online.

Proyecto Cervantes: Texas A&M’s Proyecto Cervantes has cataloged Cervantes’ work online.

Corpus Scriptorum Latinorum: Access many Latin texts here.

Project Runeberg: Find Scandinavian literature online here.

Italian Women Writers: This site provides information about Italian women authors and features full-text titles too.

Biblioteca Valenciana: Register to use this database of Catalan and Valencian books.

Ketab Farsi: Access literature and publications in Farsi from this site.

Afghanistan Digital Library: Powered by NYU, the Afghanistan Digital Library has works published between 1870 and 1930.

CELT: CELT stands for “the Corpus of Electronic Texts” features important historical literature and documents.

Projekt Gutenberg-DE: This easy-to-use database of German language texts lets you search by genres and author.

HISTORY AND CULTURE

LibriVox: LibriVox has a good selection of historical fiction.

The Perseus Project: Tufts’ Perseus Digital Library features titles from Ancient Rome and Greece, published in English and original languages.

Access Genealogy: Find literature about Native American history, the Scotch-Irish immigration in the 19th and 20th centuries, and more.

Free History Books: This collection features U.S. history books, including works by Paul Jennings, Sarah Morgan Dawson, Josiah Quincy and others.

Most Popular History Books: Free titles include Seven Days and Seven Nights by Alexander Szegedy and Autobiography of a Female Slave by Martha G. Browne.

RARE BOOKS

Questia: Questia has 5,000 books available for free, including rare books and classics.

ARTS AND ENTERTAINMENT

Books-On-Line: This large collection includes movie scripts, newer works, cookbooks and more.

Chest of Books: This site has a wide range of free books, including gardening and cooking books, home improvement books, craft and hobby books, art books and more.

Free e-Books: Find titles related to beauty and fashion, games, health, drama and more.

2020ok: Categories here include art, graphic design, performing arts, ethnic and national, careers, business and a lot more.

Free Art Books: Find artist books and art books in PDF format here.

Free Web design books: OnlineComputerBooks.com directs you to free web design books.

Free Music Books: Find sheet music, lyrics and books about music here.

Free Fashion Books: Costume and fashion books are linked to the Google Books page.

MYSTERY

MysteryNet: Read free short mystery stories on this site.

TopMystery.com: Read books by Edgar Allan Poe, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, GK Chesterton and other mystery writers here.

Mystery Books: Read books by Sue Grafton and others.

POETRY

The Literature Network: This site features forums, a copy of The King James Bible, and over 3,000 short stories and poems.

Poetry: This list includes “The Raven,” “O Captain! My Captain!” and “The Ballad of Bonnie and Clyde.”

Poem Hunter: Find free poems, lyrics and quotations on this site.

Famous Poetry Online: Read limericks, love poetry, and poems by Robert Browning, Emily Dickinson, John Donne, Lord Byron and others.

Google Poetry: Google Books has a large selection of poetry, fromThe Canterbury Tales to Beowulf to Walt Whitman.

QuotesandPoem.com: Read poems by Maya Angelou, William Blake, Sylvia Plath and more.

CompleteClassics.com: Rudyard Kipling, Allen Ginsberg and Alfred Lord Tennyson are all featured here.

PinkPoem.com: On this site, you can download free poetry ebooks.

MISC

Banned Books: Here you can follow links of banned books to their full text online.

World eBook Library: This monstrous collection includes classics, encyclopedias, children’s books and a lot more.

DailyLit: DailyLit has everything from Moby Dick to the recent phenomenon, Skinny Bitch.

A Celebration of Women Writers: The University of Pennsylvania’s page for women writers includes Newbery winners.

Free Online Novels: These novels are fully online and range from romance to religious fiction to historical fiction.

ManyBooks.net: Download mysteries and other books for your iPhone or eBook reader here.

Authorama: Books here are pulled from Google Books and more. You’ll find history books, novels and more.

Prize-winning books online: Use this directory to connect to full-text copies of Newbery winners, Nobel Prize winners and Pulitzer winners.

3 months ago

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6 months ago

While I was looking at hopepunk/solarpunk stuff I found https://fallingfruit.org/ and I am SO excited because last year I found a "hey what's this and is it edible" and it turned out to be wild american plum and it TURNS OUT there are several on a university campus near me. I've lost the post I found it in or I'd just reblog that, but, here's this post at least. A lot of markings for things like "this tree is on private property but hangs onto public land" or "tree is on public property" or "this location uploaded by property owner," when things are ripe, notes about the fruit being really up high or whatever. (obviously ymmv, maybe your local fruit-sharers are not as helpful.) There are no markings in my immediate town, but I'll change that. "My" plum tree, black raspberries, mulberries... I know some goodies.

1 year ago

A boy can dream, can't he?

A Boy Can Dream, Can't He?
1 year ago

Embracing New Beginnings: A Witch's Guide to New Moon Magic

🌑🌟🔮

Tonight, the moon retreats into darkness, marking the beginning of a new lunar cycle. The new moon is a powerful time for setting intentions, initiating new projects, and planting the seeds of your dreams. As the sky is cloaked in darkness, we are given a blank canvas to start fresh and embrace new beginnings. Let's explore the essence of the new moon, how witches can celebrate this mystical phase, and discover rituals, spells, and practices to harness its transformative energy.

The Significance of the New Moon

The new moon symbolizes new beginnings, potential, and the power of intention. It's a time to reflect on your desires, set goals, and align your energy with the universe to manifest your dreams. The absence of moonlight offers a moment of introspection and renewal, making it the perfect time for planting the seeds of future growth.

New Moon Rituals and Practices

🌑 Setting Intentions

Use the new moon's energy to set clear and powerful intentions for the coming month.

1. Find a quiet, sacred space where you can focus without distractions.

2. Light a white or silver candle to represent the new moon's potential.

3. Write down your intentions and goals for the new lunar cycle. Be specific and positive in your wording.

4. Hold the paper in your hands, close your eyes, and visualize your intentions coming to fruition. Feel the emotions associated with achieving your goals.

5. Place the paper on your altar or under the candle, letting the universe know your desires.

🔮 New Moon Meditation

Meditate to connect with your inner self and the new moon's energy.

1. Find a comfortable position and close your eyes.

2. Take deep breaths, inhaling deeply and exhaling slowly.

3. Visualize a dark, starry sky, feeling the calm and potential of the new moon.

4. Focus on your intentions, allowing them to take root in your mind and heart.

5. End the meditation by thanking the universe for its support and guidance.

✨ Creating a Vision Board

Manifest your dreams by creating a visual representation of your intentions.

1. Gather magazines, scissors, glue, and a large piece of paper or poster board.

2. Cut out images, words, and symbols that represent your goals and desires.

3. Arrange and glue them onto the board, creating a visual collage of your intentions.

4. Place your vision board somewhere you can see it daily, as a constant reminder of your dreams.

New Moon Spells

🌑 Manifestation Jar Spell

Create a manifestation jar to hold your intentions and attract positive energy.

1. Gather a small jar, paper, pen, and any small items that represent your intentions (e.g., crystals, herbs, charms).

2. Write your intentions on small pieces of paper and fold them.

3. Place the papers and items into the jar, visualizing your intentions manifesting.

4. Seal the jar and place it on your altar or in a special place.

5. Shake the jar whenever you need a reminder of your goals and the new moon's power.

🔮 Cleansing and Renewal Spell

Use the new moon's energy to cleanse and renew your space.

1. Gather a white candle, sage or palo santo, and a bowl of water.

2. Light the candle and the sage or palo santo.

3. Walk around your space, wafting the smoke and visualizing negative energy being cleared away.

4. Sprinkle a few drops of water in each room, symbolizing renewal and fresh beginnings.

5. Close the ritual by thanking the new moon for its cleansing energy.

🌟 Prosperity Spell

Attract abundance and prosperity with a new moon spell.

1. Gather a green candle, a coin, and a piece of paper.

2. Write your financial goals and desires on the paper.

3. Place the coin on top of the paper and light the green candle.

4. Visualize abundance flowing into your life, feeling gratitude for the prosperity already on its way.

5. Let the candle burn down safely, keeping the coin and paper on your altar.

The new moon offers a powerful opportunity to reset, reflect, and initiate new beginnings. By engaging in these rituals, practices, and spells, you can align with the new moon's energy and set the stage for manifesting your deepest desires. As we embrace the darkness of tonight's new moon, may your intentions be clear, your dreams take root, and your spirit be renewed.

Blessed New Moon!

🌑🌟🔮

1 month ago

genuinely wild to me when I go to someone's house and we watch TV or listen to music or something and there are ads. I haven't seen an ad in my home since 2005. what do you mean you haven't set up multiple layers of digital infrastructure to banish corporate messaging to oblivion before it manifests? listen, this is important. this is the 21st century version of carving sigils on the wall to deny entry to demons or wearing bells to ward off the Unseelie. come on give me your router admin password and I'll show you how to cast a protective spell of Get Thee Tae Fuck, Capital

2 months ago

How do you make an image into something that looks pixelated? Like for backgrounds and things

I draw it with pixels at a low resolution

4 months ago
2 years ago

09/28/2022

We have a tiny victory! I finally convinced my supervisor that I should be allowed to work from home while I am very ill.

I had some congee today--i'd made up a couple of onsen eggs and put them in a bowl to crack over it for breakfast, but apparently my sister thought I'd simply forgot to put them back in the carton. Unsure of which eggs were mine, I didn't take any, and she had a surprise when she tried to make french toast this morning. (Serves her right!)

My throat hurts less, which is good, but I'm coughing more, which is less good. My voice is even weaker than it was before.

Jonathan may need migraine glasses long-term. Their photophobia and migraines aren't going away. I've found a few that would be good, but I really need to get home to them soon. As soon as I'm better, I want to catch the next ticket to the road. I need to be in the best shape I can be, but I can't wait too long if it means the love of my life can't function.

They're so lonely without me. I miss them too. I want to be there. I need to be there. I'm so tired here.

As soon as I enter the road, I have 2 weeks to get to my destination or risk being lost forever. I can live that way, but I can't leave Jonathan on their own.

I can make it. I have to make it.


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foggedupforsaken - rosemary and thyme
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