I Want To Lie On Your Chest And Listen To Your Heartbeat While You Play With My Hair And Tell Me Everything’s

Oh, you’re in control? Really? You are? Why are you taking a step back then when I come into your personal space? And why are you shaking when I lean in? Why are you avoiding my gaze? Why are you waiting for me to take your stupid little claim more serious when your body language doesn’t back up your bratting in the slightest? At least try a little harder. It’s pathetic.

Consent has more than Yes/No

getting pounded into the mattress until i’m crying then being babied after would cure me i think

u know sometimes it hits me that i am deeply, expressly loved, and fuck, guys, i honestly remember being depressed as shit and so hopelessly sad, and so fucking alone, and i swear, i know it sounds like bullshit when people say “it gets better” because i thought it was bullshit, i thought it was just “it gets better for everyone else but not me,” but it’s really really really not just other people. it means you.

i am so fucking loved, i am loved beyond my own comprehension, and 5 years ago, i would have never known, i would have never guessed, i wouldn’t have ever even believed it. 

and yeah, i’m still fucked up and i still have a shit ton of issues, but i’m not alone anymore. i’m working through them, and someday, i will be okay. there is light at the end of the tunnel, as cheesy as that sounds. i have shitty days, in fact, i have more bad days than good days, but my friends love me and hug me and tell me they love me in a million different ways, and i don’t feel alone anymore. 

it gets better. i swear on my fucking life, it gets better.

i am so fucking grateful, so goddamn fucking grateful, for what i have. i have a close few friends that love me for who i truly am. i have friends who know me, who get me, who i don’t have to lie or pretend about anything, and they get me, and most of all, they understand and accept it. they encourage me. i have friends who believe, 100% in me. i have friends who love me. 

5 years ago, i didn’t think i’d ever have half of what i have today.

things get better. 

i’m not a different person. i am, more or less, the same. i’m still not a happy person, i’m still a cynic, i’m still a pessimist, etc. but i am happy, sometimes. i am happy and i smile and i look at my best friend and i laugh out of sheer joy. things get better, and you don’t have to change who you are. 

i don’t know what my point is. i guess: i don’t know. i feel like so many people here send me asks saying that they’ve had shitty days, or there are kids who have had shitty months or years or lives, and honestly, i can’t promise you’ll be okay, but i can promise that this is not forever. 

you will not be in this situation forever. 

5 years ago, i was suicidal, depressed, and profoundly lonely. 

i haven’t had a real suicidal thought in over a year now, and when i do, it’s always fleeting. i am happy more than i am sad. i’m still lonely, and i’m physically alone a lot still, but i can call my friends and talk for hours with them. i fall asleep smiling, some nights. 

there are bad nights, and i still have my fair share of hurdles to overcome, and lifelong burdens i’m going to have to carry, but i can keep walking, every single day. i can get out of bed without forcing myself, i can smile without feeling like my face might break, i can laugh without feeling strained and exhausted.

i didn’t believe any of this was possible 5 years ago. i didn’t even think i’d live to see my next birthday, 5 years ago. i’m so glad i did.

i’ve seen 2 of my nieces take their first steps. i taught my nephew how to say my name. i’ve pet an inordinate amount of dogs and cats. i’ve lost people i loved, and i’ve gained a few. i got to see my cousin graduate. i have my incredible, wonderful, spectacular best friend, a human being that i literally love with my entire soul. i have friends who are different and funny and strong and loud and beautiful and loving. i have had every single one of my top 10 happiest memories in the last five years. i have felt safe and loved. i have laughed so hard i cried. i have laugh lines, now. 

the best moments of my life have happened in the last five years.

so maybe this is dumb and i should stfu, but i promise, i fucking promise, this isn’t forever. it isn’t. it might suck and it might hurt and it might be the worst thing in your life, but someday, it won’t be like this.

so believe me when i say: it gets better.

me and who

“Hands behind your back.”

The words leave my mouth calm and measured, but there’s no mistaking the edge beneath them.

You hesitate—just for a second. Barely long enough to register. But it’s enough.

Wrong move.

I close the distance in three slow, deliberate steps, the air thick between us. My fingers grip your jaw, firm, tilting your face up so you’re forced to meet my eyes.

“What part of that was unclear, sweetheart?”

Your lips part like you might speak, like you might offer some excuse, but no sound comes. You just stand there, breath caught, waiting.

Then, finally, you move. Reluctant. Obedient.

Your arms slip behind your back, slow as surrender.

I circle behind you, my hands trail down your sides, mapping the lines of your body like a territory I already own. Then I lean in, mouth brushing against the soft skin of your neck, just enough to make you shiver.

“You want to be good for me, don’t you?”

I whisper it low, so close you feel the words more than hear them. You nod. It’s small, unsure. But it’s honest.

“Then be good,” I murmur.

You let out a soft, shaky whimper when the restraints tighten around your wrists—leather pulling snug, final, inescapable. I don’t rush. Every motion is slow and deliberate, to remind you that you’ve given yourself over completely.

And when I lean in again, my mouth at your ear, my breath hot against your skin, and I don’t raise my voice. I don’t need to.

“Stay still,” I whisper, voice like a promise. “And take what I give you.”

No one ever talks about how hard it is to trust yourself if you’ve been through trauma or are mentally ill. Not trusting others is a common assumption but what about not trusting your own mind. Not knowing which thoughts to believe. Not trusting that you will be able to go somewhere and not have a panic attack or ptsd episode or be triggered in general. Not trusting your actions because they’ve always been critiqued etc. Not trusting yourself is a new kind of hell that no one should have to experience.

The little demons of grief came to live with me, in the space between the shadows and the floor.

I can't hear what they're telling me, even though I try.

it’s raining outside do you wanna come over and cuddle until we don’t know where you start and i end

list of things i love – flowers, the sound of rain, waking up with time still left to sleep, pasta, dancing to my favorite songs!!! sunrises, sunsets, fires in the fireplace, christmas time, being so busy i dont check my phone, local bookstores, jazz, clean sheets, long showers, the beach, the mountains, tea, art, reading, driving around aimlessly, the smell of new books, the smell of freshly brewed coffee, having a day dedicated to doing absolutely nothing, naps, laughing, new movies, rediscovering a song i forgot about, good hair days, imagining how my life will be in the future :)🍝🎄☕📚⭐