BoJack Horseman, S3E8

All this expectation is a knife!!

Getting worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better and worse and better

I recreate situations in the Sims 4 to feel some grasp of control over them

On being weak

Rainy days, everyone is equal. Everyone's pant cuffs soaked, smokers under awnings. We're all missing somebody else.

I basked in idleness like a dog in light. I saved myself.

Things healed and plants grew and if I die here or not litters will still be born. I could be born with them.

super low quality meme. valerie come back we need you more than ever </3

Friendship

I listened to the whole of your three-page poem about the life you wanted to live. I cupped your dreams by my heart.

The gasp when the wind is knocked out of you. When you can't do anything but react. It's harder to stay quiet when you have to- the time I just had to smoke weed way past dusk boundaries and brought you with me and we lay on top of each other in the snow, your hand over my mouth because I was so high and each breath felt like a roar.

I brought you with me everywhere I went. Around my neck during hazy nights sprawled on the bathroom floor. Bad hookups where neither of us have had enough to drink. I'll never forget your face in the periphery of every memory.

Last summer I watched as you fell in the pool and your blood stained the water like little explosions. You were fine, it was just your foot, but afterwards we lay naked on the hot pool deck and you confided in me the things only I could hear, that sometimes still you wished you were dead.

I had no advice to give because I felt the same way. It was kind of funny. We've known each other for sixteen years but we're still right where we started. Looking towards the same future. The same people.

Excerpt from 'I might say something stupid'

This summer was spent hotboxing my closet and eating mangoes on the living room couch. I forgot things as soon as people said them. 

Nothing bad has ever happened. Not to me then and not to me now. I scrub at the wine stain on my jersey. I love open bar events. 

I spent two weeks as a camp counselor even though looking at children makes me feel sick to my stomach. In each one I see myself and wonder how anyone ever hurt me. 

sohelpmegod.substack.com

I might say something stupid

Brat summer, or innate goodness and suicidal tendencies summer

I used to love this city and now it just feels haunted

i wish i didn't feel so sick inside of my body i wish i was like everyone else i don't mean that but things would be a lot simpler if i did

everything i write turns out as an i-statement and maybe that means i don't think about anyone other than myself but i don't want to speak on someone else's behalf

unknown // ladybird (2017) // white oleander by janet fitch // elektra by sophocles // everything everywhere all at once (2022) // sharp objects by gillian flynn // mamma told me by mother mother

I miss weheartit

Sunny is a girl in a sea of girls

I want to be loved like a piece of jewelry. You would hate it if I were gone and you would feel my absence like a misplaced thought.

The third and last time we met you did not touch me in a new or exciting way. This is when I realized I was searching for a feeling that did not exist.

I want to be loved like a thing you find god in. There are few things like that: writing, discipline, truth. But I am no vessel of god, I am searching for it too.

Even though I looked at your face for many hours I cannot remember it. You had eyes and a mouth, unshaven. Your body cold and made to worship. The missing section of the heart is where humanity lies and your heart is impossibly whole.