Dude I Feel This Shit In My Soul Going Through It Man

Dude I feel this shit in my soul going through it man

If I relapse

If I relapse, I would lose everything I worked so hard to obtain in the last couple of months. I would not feel the weight of the world, but I would feel an intense wave of disappointment from the ones I love the most. I would let everybody down - I would let myself down. If I take even one xanax bar, I would begin a slow downhill spiral.

Xanax would turn into cocaine and cocaine would turn into a sheet of crumpled foil in my hand. On the foil would lay goopy yellow chunks of fentanyl, and my fingers would be stained black. My mental health would plummet and I would dive deep into insanity. Once my parents figured out that I have relapsed, they would cut me off financially and I would be left on the streets. My boyfriend would be done with me, and he would break my heart and tell me to leave him alone forever. Without his presence a hole would grow deep within the depths of my heart. I would fill that hole with men and drugs. Since I would be screwed financially, my only option is to leech off of men.

A junkie would whisk me away to his dingy apartment. He would feed me any drug I desired. He would treat me like shit, perhaps even abuse me. I would let him treat me negatively because I would think, “I deserve this.” My hopes and dreams would fade into oblivion. Every day would be the same: Wake up, find drugs, get high, go to sleep. Over and over again. Monotony and chaos. My family would grieve as if I were dead. Hope would dwindle as I twist the pipe. Hope would lessen as I would hold a tooter in between my chapped lips. Hope would decrease as I would snort white powder up my nostrils. The bright light that used to shine on my life would turn to pitch black,

Eventually, I would be dead. True blackness would envelope my gloomy soul. There would be no coming back from death - no more chances, no more rehab, no more therapy, no more meetings. Hope would truly be lost.

I can’t relapse. I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t I can’t

Self harm is :

•making yourself sleep deprived •making yourself cold (not wearing warm clothes in the winter, sleeping without a blanket etc) •not eating •not drinking •eating too much •not looking before crossing the street •scratching •letting your skin be dry & break easily •picking at skin •over-exercising •substance abuse •over-working yourself •making yourself go out and do things even though you’re exhausted •putting yourself in anxiety-inducing situations (even if you have a choice to stay out of them) •triggering yourself •purposefully angering someone who you know will yell at you •entering relationships you don’t want to be in/being around people you don’t want to be around •having sex when you don’t want to •setting yourself punishments •not giving yourself time •not letting yourself spend time with the people you love & know will be good to you •yelling at yourself inside your head •pinching or bruising yourself instead of cutting •cutting •holding everything in even when you have the option of venting •over stressing •over thinking •staying in abusive relationships (friend wise or romantically)

STOP assuming that self-harm is visible and easy to notice. It’s NOT. Self harm isn’t always physical, it can be emotional, and mental as well

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fuccinjas

4 years ago