You’re Welcome.

in the one (1) month since i watched death note for the first time i sure have been doing a fucking posting

bonus:

its the perfect post everything asked is answered

that post about BCS appealing more to women made me think, and it's interesting that Walter and Jimmy are both cringefail pathetic, and don't get me wrong Walter's whole self justifying toxic macho thing is fascinating, but Jimmy is almost more... accessibly pathetic? he's emotional, got big sad blue eyes, wanted his brother to like him, lbr a total bottom with Kim, and even the vanity is treated more sympathetic than in Breaking Bad where it was essentially flamboyance helps with the sleaze. This isn't even me saying he's better than Walter, there's a whole laundry list of flaws, it's just amusing that I can't think of anyone calling Heisenberg their pathetic bb girl

editing this to say i was writing back to you last night and didn't have time to finish it, so i saved this as a draft, and now i'm like 100000x more deranged about the contrasts between jimmy and walt than i was before, because jimmy was PREPARED TO DIE FOR HIS WIFE. walt presses on with his, "everything i do, i do for my family" (despite us knowing this becomes a falsehood of an excuse), but the pure act of selfless love jimmy exhibited for kim is true.

it definitely comes down to endearment - walt is a fascinating character, but innately unlikable from the start, whereas jimmy is lovable. walt's pathetic qualities curdle into cruelty and control, he's not cringefail in a way where we want to bring him in from the rain in a cardboard box lol but there's something about jimmy, some spark of heart or goodness, where we want better for him even though we KNOW where he's headed. accessible is a great word for it, there's something in him that we get, even when his actions are immoral or destructive.

i'm trying to remember if i just wrote about this recently or if i only thought about it in my head...there's a scene in salud when flynn comes over to see walt, and it's his birthday, and walt and jesse have just gotten into an ugly, brutal fight. walt is beat up and miserable and completely out of it, and accidentally calls flynn "jesse," and then the next day when he's a bit more clear, he talks about his experience seeing his father sick when he was a child. it's an amazing, haunting scene and i don't think it gets talked about enough. bryan's performance gets praised for the big meme moments - the "i am the one who knocks" speech, "you're goddamn right," "i suggest you tread lightly," even the breakdown in crawl space, but the monologue he has in salud is one of my favorite bits of his acting in the entire show. he's quiet. he's introspective. and he talks about these terrible memories of seeing his father wasting away from illness, the caustic smell of the hospital chemicals, the sound of his breath rattling like an empty spray paint can. and he tells flynn this formative memory, this huge, revealing part of himself, and it speaks so deeply to the response he's had to his cancer, his fear of his illness, his loathing of looking weak. his father wasn't there to, as gus once said, provide. he only remembers being afraid and seeing frailty. it's just a gutwrenchingly human scene. he says to his son that he doesn't want him to remember him like that. but then flynn says, "remembering you that way wouldn't be so bad. the bad way to remember you would be the way you've been this whole last year. at least last night you were...you were real." it's heartbreaking because all he WANTS is for his dad to let him in and be honest with him, even if that means ugly crying. the emotional vulnerability matters. but walt just...seals back up. walt cannot abide being seen in weakness. and that hubris destroys everything. the narrative knows walt is pathetic, but walt cannot face that himself.

by design, bcs recognizes jimmy's more pathetic qualities, but never needs the veneer of the power or masculinity. even when jimmy tries posturing, it's ineffective. the narrative knows, but SO DOES JIMMY. the "lightning bolts shoot from my fingertips!" scene has howard walking angrily away from him with zero reactions, and ends with jimmy panting and defeated because he's aware he was lashing out in guilt and fear after having to defend lalo, after seeing grieving family members in court. when jimmy gets mad at kim and kim says, "jimmy, you are always down," he doesn't respond with a counterargument, he just sort of collapses inwardly, and starts packing his things (in his metaphorical little rucksack) until she comes to him and softens and offers support. it's not bad to see jimmy weak or very emotional or afraid or frustrated or downtrodden because it's REAL. and we can empathize with those flaws when they're honest.

heisenberg and saul goodman are both grandiose personas, but used for very different reasons and ends. they're both their worst selves writ large, but where heisenberg feels like an extension of walt's obsessive ego, saul, even in his scumminess and vanity, is a shroud for the vulnerability of jimmy's heart - and because we know that exists in him, we respond to his faults more compassionately. in fandom parlance, jimmy's meow meowness, his lovable qualities, are possible because of that genuineness we've felt. we know he can do better, we wish he would. walt's metastatic decay doesn't allow for that. it allows for such great counterpoints between the themes of both their arcs.

Y’ever read something and have understanding that has eluded you interminably suddenly stop, curl up, and snuggle neatly into a fold in your brain because a new way way opened to it?

So uuuuhhhh…got my daughter a yogurt this morning and learned something new.

I wonder if when vox sleeps his dreams play across his face?

You mean like this?

do you ever look back at a childhood memory and think that it should have by all rights become a significant theme in your life and you wonder why the fuck those things/people haven’t come back around yet and then remember that your life isn’t a perfectly plotted out novel?

I totally forgot that eating a meal can improve your mood dramatically. I was depressed a minute ago but now I'm literally having a good time. what a concept

pressure