Hmmmm... Should I Deprive Myself Of Human Interaction...?

The Temptation of Silence

Oh, how tempting that mistress is,

to be shut away and not a bother to nobody,

To make absolutely no-one the sadder

by reciting the same pains that ailed them.

Oh, how tempting that emptiness is,

to be quiet and subdued and unnoticed,

To make absolutely nothing go worse than it already has

by moving again to the great god of failure.

Oh, how tempting that nothingness is,

to be perfect and nonexistent and unbothered,

To make absolutely everything nothing, and nothing everything

by emptying the whole world of its contents.

Oh, how tempting that silence is,

to destroy my self in mine own vainglory.

The Foundations of Love

How can I get you to care about people? How can I get you to be kind?

Why do you think love happens? Why do you think people are altruistic at all?

It's not because someone told them to be, I'll tell you that much.

It's because love and kindness are what the world thrives on.

Nobody wins by being angry all the time. No man is an island.

The world is not zero-sum. Kindness shared is kindness tripled.

But I'll assume this doesn't convince you, or you would've found the path by age five.

Let's consider the people who were solitary. The people who didn't love.

Evolution filtered them all out. Evolution championed kindness.

And if that's not a good enough reason to love, then I don't know what is.

Me talking to the therapist voice in my head

"okay, so what do you say when someone says they're not worth anything"

"Who the hell says they're worthless I'll fight them" "Alright, now what should you think when you're the one that feels like you're worthless" "Well I'd be right, I am worthless" "no-"

She just cant loose!

Decisions

So many decisions all the time.

Like a hydra, each head popping out two more

and each of those heads doubling up again

like it wasn't decision-anxiety-inducing enough at the start.

And that's all very well and good if you didn't force me to interact

but nooooooooo I have to actually choose the singular right one

or at least one of the few close enough to the right one

which, of course, is none, since the only "close enough" is on the dot.

You know what? Take it away from me.

You're the smartass here. You know which one is correct.

Why don't you do it? Take my autonomy away from me, pilot my life?

Anyways you clearly know how your hydra works. Won't that help mine?

But no, you have to hide the whole concept of the hydra away from me

Making it my fault whenever you hit the wrong head like a fucking idiot

So that when I am first introduced to it I am met with a thousand heads

and little clueless me is told "yeah that's your fucking problem I quit."

And with each wrong, clueless swing I make

the number of heads only ticks higher

Tell Me What You Want

Am I who you want me to be?

Am I who you need?

Am I who you want to share food with?

Am I who you like?

Is this effort sufficient?

Should I put in more?

Is this emotion the correct one?

Should I use another?

Are these words the right ones?

Should I say a little less?

Are these motions the best ones?

Should I move a little less?

Tell me what you want me to be.

Caring? Angry? Happy? Sad?

Tell me what you need me to be.

Supportive? Detached? Blunt? Soft?

Please, just tell me what you want.

I live only to serve.

Day and Night

The sun shines brightly

on a joyful new day.

Let us laugh and laugh

until our minds are jelly and paste.

No, I will not

"take it down a notch."

Not for you, for myself, or for anyone.

I am free as the sky.

I know, you know, we all know,

What happens to me when the dreary time comes.

The world falls apart, reality losing its lustre

as all returns to the correct muted gray and _____.

But who cares? Let's not let the spoilsport

ruin our fun. Live in the moment,

Die in the moment, be your authentic self -

For there is no future to look forwards to.

I am Night, the eternal slumber,

once again reminding you of outstanding debts.

Your soul is mine, as ruined as it is,

For even the most damaged of people have value.

Nothing Left

made in the blind spot of god

a husk of a man without a soul

what is being alive and being dead

it is all the same regardless

I reach for the pie in the sky

as the world turns pale grey

there is nothing left for me here

so I will seek better lands

but I am trapped, held back

by the same chains of my own making

because I thought the sky was evil

for it was not the same grey as the rest

Then I saw them, the people in the sky

So far above, coming down with the helping hand

Even though there's really not much to pull, eh?

Just the sack of flesh and the animal shoved in there

And so it doesn't want to be pulled

To leave the safety, the dullness, the monotony

Why should it? It'd probably just get worse if it changed

and it didn't deserve to be helped by those it shunned

and regardless, the grapes were probably sour anyways.

I Need to Move

I need to move.

I need to run.

I don’t know why.

Maybe to run from my past.

Maybe to run towards my future.

Maybe to run to beat my enemies, who are now old and weak.

I need to fight.

I don’t know why.

Maybe to assert my own superiority.

Maybe to assert my own self-defense capability.

Maybe to practice for when I am to fight my enemies on equal ground for the first and last time.

I need to move.

I don’t know why.

Maybe to run towards the future.

Maybe to fight the evils of my past.

Maybe to finally feel proud and confident of my body, of my self, for the first time.

I need to move.

Cycle of Pain

Let me be alone.

Let me be in suffering.

I have earned nothing less.

I have failed you.

I have failed them.

Throw me to the dogs.

Throw me on the fire.

Throw me like paper scraps.

Let me achieve penance.