My Biggest Fear
My biggest fear
My biggest fear is the fade of feelings between two people. When you know someone so well, you can guess the next words out of their mouth. When the feeling of their hand in yours or their arm around your shoulders is more familiar than your own skin. When you could have picked them out of a crowd from any angle. When they call you because the tone of your texts changed and they wanna make sure you're alright. When the sound of their voice is clear as day in your dreams. when the smell of their shampoo brings back a hundred memories. When their hopes and dreams are the goals you work towards.
Somehow, suddenly, there's space between you. Someone else is higher on their list of priorities. The Space and time they asked for just to get themselves together stretches long and silent between you. When the constellations you memorized in their freckles fades to a random spatter of dots. When the hundreds of shades of color in their eyes fade to solid rings of primary color.
When every little thing you spent time learning about them fades, your brain un-learning its favorite things. When the connection you felt so easily between you sputters and dies even when they're sitting right across from you. When you have to start wondering “should I tell them this?”, “can I tell them this?”. When they don't come to you with their problems and you're too nervous to tell them yours. When you go from seeing them every day to every other week to “I saw him a couple of months ago”. When they used to be your best friend and now they're just a stranger whose secrets you still keep.
More Posts from Hades-in-a-handbag and Others
I'm still the same size as I have always been. it's just the world that's gotten so much smaller than I knew. so small that I can't really see the details anymore. it's all out of focus.
We’ve spent so much time describing people as beautiful things, I think it’s time we try describing things as beautiful people.
Sometimes I catch myself not breathing.
No air filtering in through my lungs.
My brain fuzzy and slow without it.
My chest still and my shoulders hunched.
Like some subtle subconscious part of me just decided this was it.
Time to give up.
They told us to aim for the stars, that even our failures would be rich.
They didn't tell us that in exchange our victories would feel cheap and lifeless.
I have to fail to feel.
I was wrong. The clouds are moving. Only slower than me.
They've cleared the other side of the trees now.
And when I can breathe again, so will I.
It's sun down now. The early stages of it, where the sky is still full of light and color. The clouds are thick an mountinous. And completely still in the sky.
The big lumbering breaths are blushed pink around the edges. Deep scores of grey over every curve and crevice. Dense and almost palpable.
It looks like a painted back drop.
And I have no where else to look.
Past, present, and future king
And when he walks the earth, the forests parts like the sea in wide curling waves, rocks and trees falling by the wayside.
Roots curl from his path. Dirt and sand pulling away until only stone remains.
The earth cracks and it emerges from the very mantle like Atlantis from the deeps.
Smoking spires stand tall on soft walls cooling in the breeze. The smell of luckless underbrush permeates the air with it's sizzling screams.
Once he reaches the steps it is solid beneath his feet. A new palace and old king.
They are often less than a minor inconvenience.
I wipe them from my brow like sweat. Pluck them from my head like stray hairs. Toss them to the corners of my room.
The more persistent may take hold of my nerves.
I conjure imaginary fire to burn them away. Lock them and boxes and toss them from my window. Slap them from my skin like pesky bugs.
Only active movement can banish them. It's a temporary fix though. They still inch into my head waiting to pounce on me with violent scenes and repulsive images.
My thoughts aren't always my own, but my actions are.
in other words, the chaos that paves the path from birth till death
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